Daughter no contact

[Parents! Get help here!]

My adult daughter 34diagnosed with BPD has been hospitalised twice against her will in last 2 years with psychotic episodes. On each occasion we had no involvement in her being hospitalised as she had increasingly distanced herself from me my husband her brother and all family and friends. Things started at adolescence and during university where she would suffer from mood swings and rages .We loved and supported her emotionally, practically and financially for many years into adulthood as she couldn’t hold jobs. She is exceptionally clever. About 7 years ago she was diagnosed with Bpd. She left and lived with an aunt before turning against her. She also walked away from supported accommodation before they evicted her for poor behaviour/damage and lived with friends- all who were turned against. After the first hospitalisation she stopped all communication saying she loved us but we didn’t understand. There then ensued a heartbreaking 18months where she disappeared and cut all contact. I reported her missing and the Police traced her over a year ago and said she was safe and well but nothing more. Eventually I was contacted 3 months ago by a psychiatrist 200 miles away to say she had been arrested then detained under the Mental Health Act for psychosis. She had been sleeping rough. During the 3 months in hospital we repeatedly reached out but were told she did not want contact. They asked why she was estranged to which I had no answer other than that she had become increasingly secretive and misconstrued our motives over past 2 years and longer. I learned she again blamed me for being in hospital when I had no involvement. I feel devastated. She has now left hospital and we have no address nor no way of communicating with her or knowing she’s okay. I hear about people with BPD estranging but I really feel we did nothing wrong so find it hard to understand. I fear she may never come back to us. The BPD is complicated by psychotic illness. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar with their loved ones?

[January90]

My adult daughter 34diagnosed with BPD has been hospitalised twice against her will in last 2 years with psychotic episodes. On each occasion we had no involvement in her being hospitalised as she had increasingly distanced herself from me my husband her brother and all family and friends. Things started at adolescence and during university where she would suffer from mood swings and rages .We loved and supported her emotionally, practically and financially for many years into adulthood as she couldn’t hold jobs. She is exceptionally clever. About 7 years ago she was diagnosed with Bpd. She left and lived with an aunt before turning against her. She also walked away from supported accommodation before they evicted her for poor behaviour/damage and lived with friends- all who were turned against. After the first hospitalisation she stopped all communication saying she loved us but we didn’t understand. There then ensued a heartbreaking 18months where she disappeared and cut all contact. I reported her missing and the Police traced her over a year ago and said she was safe and well but nothing more. Eventually I was contacted 3 months ago by a psychiatrist 200 miles away to say she had been arrested then detained under the Mental Health Act for psychosis. She had been sleeping rough. During the 3 months in hospital we repeatedly reached out but were told she did not want contact. They asked why she was estranged to which I had no answer other than that she had become increasingly secretive and misconstrued our motives over past 2 years and longer. I learned she again blamed me for being in hospital when I had no involvement. I feel devastated. She has now left hospital and we have no address nor no way of communicating with her or knowing she’s okay. I hear about people with BPD estranging but I really feel we did nothing wrong so find it hard to understand. I fear she may never come back to us. The BPD is complicated by psychotic illness. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar with their loved ones?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I think a lot of parents here can relate to your story since we've all had weeks/months/years without contact.  For my BPD daughter though, it was our choice to limit contact and support because she was spiraling and she wasn't going to take our entire family with her.  It was the correct decision as well because our kid finally hit rock bottom around 24 and took therapy seriously. 

She's still BPD at 26 and occasionally has tough days, but she's past the worst of it and has really grown up.

While it's super tough to be cut off from your kid, that's what she wants and you have to respect that.  Let her live life on her terms, as destructive as it may seem, until she reaches her rock bottom and begins to take therapy seriously.  For her to get better, her situation probably has to get worse.  I know that's heartbreaking because I've lived it, but there is light on the other side of the tunnel.

One more thing; it's time for you to forgive yourself.  You didn't do this and you're not responsible for anything that's happening today.  Your kid blames you because she loves you the most but can't find a path to reconcile in her mind...my daughter told me that word for word about a year ago.  But eventually she needed her dad and things changed in an instant because I was ready to forgive.  Our relationship is excellent now and she leans on me in healthy ways.

To get to that point though, she needed to change and take therapy seriously.  I also had to heal and change my perspective as well.  It wasn't my fault and I did do the best I could.  She sees that now that she's on the other side of things.  I genuinely hope you get there someday as well, and it starts with you letting go of this burden.  It's one of the few things your kid has left to punish you in order to relieve her own suffering and mistakes...and that lie keeps her from getting better.  You must stop supporting that narrative.

[January90]

Pook075 thank you so much for your reply. I am very glad that your daughter has come through this and you are in a much better place.
You are right; I have to respect that that is what she wants- no contact - and I have to let her go as until she reaches her rock bottom and wants to engage with treatment and change there’s nothing more I can do. You have hit the nail on the head that my daughter can’t find a way to reconcile and this is the last way she can punish me to alleviate her suffering. I know I need to put this down now and stop blaming myself. I did the very best I could in very challenging circumstances. I have started therapy myself and it’s helping me reclaim my future. I am 66 now and wish to enjoy what time is left. She may change and return or she may never come back but for now I need to let her go.

[Pook075]

Pook075 thank you so much for your reply. I am very glad that your daughter has come through this and you are in a much better place.
You are right; I have to respect that that is what she wants- no contact - and I have to let her go as until she reaches her rock bottom and wants to engage with treatment and change there’s nothing more I can do. You have hit the nail on the head that my daughter can’t find a way to reconcile and this is the last way she can punish me to alleviate her suffering. I know I need to put this down now and stop blaming myself. I did the very best I could in very challenging circumstances. I have started therapy myself and it’s helping me reclaim my future. I am 66 now and wish to enjoy what time is left. She may change and return or she may never come back but for now I need to let her go.

I completely agree, I remember being in that phase with my daughter and wondering if I'd ever talk to her again.  It was so hard and so draining, but it finally clicked that it wasn't my burden to carry. 

The best you can do is let her know that the door is open to restore a relationship whenever she's ready.  Everything else is on her.  And that sounds so tough, so unfair...but it's also liberating.  You are free of the guilt, the shame, the remorse and the fear as soon as you're ready to let go of it.