Life-long saga - mother with BPD traits, bipolar dx, head injury, overmedicated

[Jem333]

Hello everyone,

I honestly have no idea how to start. I'm so grateful this place exists. I'm a mental health professional and even so it has taken me years to realize that the peer support network that will understand this situation the most is other adult children of those living with BPD. Our mother is not diagnosed officially, but her attachment and behavioral patterns match BPD closely. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and a head injury. She has been on so many meds for so many decades, I believe they have damaged her brain as well.

Upon browsing this site, I came across the term "emotional incest," and wanted to throw up. That's exactly what my brother and I have been experiencing our whole lives, though it took us until last year to finally realize how similar we have felt our whole lives. We are 9 years apart. Our mother has struggled with mental illness and abandonment issues her whole life, and she has emotionally parentified and held us emotionally hostage in a FOG (thankful for this acronym too) our whole lives. She has treated each of us like romantic partners and berated us for constantly falling short. I have also survived physical and sexual abuse from her, and of course decades of emotional abuse. It's so challenging because part of me/us knows that in some ways she is a victim of the emotional desert of her own childhood, poverty, the patriarchal systems she has had to survive in, and our absolutely broken mental health and medical care systems, and this knowledge keeps me involved and makes the "g" in FOG extra loud (guilt). It's also hard to shake that she does have so many strengths and has given me love and resources and skills.

The current state of things is that she has been in an assisted living facility for one year, is 73 years old, and in a constant state of terror/self-hatred/rage/depression that is helped by nothing at all, but she still begs us to rescue her and stay in her life. It's like her brain has finally broken all the way. She hits herself constantly. We live in a state that has some resources but nothing that seems to be able to meet her complex medical and mental health needs. Dealing with her assets feels impossible because she's impossible to talk to about the reality of her health and age. We have no idea how long she will live and knowledge of her constant misery is always burning in the back of my skull. I have complex trauma symptoms from being her child and the fixation of her broken attachment.

I have no idea who will respond or how, there are no answers, but if anyone can relate to any of this, please let me know. This has been such an isolating experience, it feels impossible to relate to anyone. My brother and I can relate to each other but it feels like we are both in survival mode.

Thank you for reading.

J

[Pook075]

Hey Jem and welcome, I'm so sorry this has been your reality.  I have a quiet BPD ex wife and a BPD young adult daughter with her, so I've lived this longer than I care to admit. 

Since you're a mental health professional, there's very little I can tell you about your mom that you don't already know.  But since I'm a BPD survivor, there's a lot I can tell you about you that probably doesn't feel obvious right now.  For starters, you're not responsible for your mother and you don't have to remain inside her "orbit".  I spent years of my life getting dragged into so much drama and heartache because I was a father and a husband...that was my job, right?

Wrong.  My job was to know right from wrong, to do the best I could every single day for my family.  And sometimes, for my own sanity, the right thing to do was to walk away and prioritize my own mental health first.  I can't help anyone if I'm traumatized by my own environment, so there has to be a layer of protection between myself and anyone who might hurt me.

You've spent a lifetime being your mom's emotional support animal, and she's taken advantage of you in so many unfair ways.  Just know that none of it is your fault and you have zero responsibility to continue that lifestyle. 

Again, I know you know this...but its not sinking in because you're so close to the situation.  You're responsible for you only.  Mom is responsible for mom.  Make that a clear division in your mind and when mom becomes too much, let the professionals at the nursing home deal with it.  None of it is your burden to carry....it never was.  Your only job is to heal and be the best "you" possible.

I hope that helps and again, welcome!

[Notwendy]

Hi Jem,

I have an elderly mother with BPD and she is in assisted living. Although she meets the criteria for BPD and she has NPD traits, these are not her primary mental health diagnosis on her medical records as far as I know of. It's known to her caregivers and social worker that she has a personality disorder, but it's not useful to her to have BPD on her chart- she isn't getting specific therapy for it (therapy has not worked with her as she doesn't believe she has any issues to work on). She gets medication for her symptoms- mostly for anxiety . It may be that your mother's diagnoses are the symptoms that she is being treated for since there isn't a specific medication for BPD.

My BPD mother has had access to good mental health care. It doesn't work with her. Her perspective seems fixed in "victim" perspective- any issues are someone or someone else's fault. She's refused inpatient rehab, and didn't go to follow up. She doesn't believe her behavior contributes to any issues. I think that, even if your mother had the best of mental health resources- the outcome may not have been different.

BPD mother kept her financial information and any assets from us. She had at one point designated a relative as her POA and then at some point, changed this to her children- however, she still refused to share any information with us. On a visit, we accidentally found a statement that showed she had taken out a home equity loan on their house some time before and spend a large portion of the equity. We tried to ask her about it and she got angry at us. Eventually, we were able to facilitate her moving to assisted living. We sold the house, put whatever proceeds were left from that into her bank account which she went through quickly.

I don't think there are any resources that are capable of handling someone with my BPD mother's complex needs. My mother also is seems to be in a state of emotional turmoil. She is (unfortunately for her) known as being difficult in her assisted living.

More than one angency has not wanted to provide assistance or home nursing care even at the assisted living due to her behavior. Her version would be different. It's hard to know if she's deliberately not telling the truth or believes what she says. I think for herself, she "re-wites" history in her own perspective and it becomes her version.

So what to do? For me, I had to have boundaries. I turn my phone on "do not disturb" at night, and sometimes, I block her number, so as to have some time where she isn't calling me. I don't live near her.  I have had therapy and also have found the 12 step CODA and ACA to be helpful (one doesn't have to have alcohol or drugs involved to do work on co-dependency). The groups also help with feeling isolated. Posting here helps too- you are not the only one.

[Notwendy]

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

I have posted this article before. Although the situations of posters here may be different in ways from this author- I think she summarizes the emotions when dealing with an elderly parent with mental health issues well.

[Jem333]

I just wanted to thank you all - so much - for your responses. The comment "you've been your mother's emotional support animal" really hit home. You're so right. And, I'm sorry to hear so many similarities in the second poster's situation. Our mom has accepted mental health help... sort of... so long as she continues to get to be the "victim" in her narrative with her therapist, she keeps going. She's actually seen this person weekly for like 10-15 years. I have no idea why this therapist hasn't recognized that she has become part of the problem and referred her to someone else. However, I am grateful that someone is willing to continue to see her at all.

The blog the third respondent posted - what a heartbreaking situation. I admit I don't know what would have happened if my brother and I hadn't stepped in. She might not have lived much longer. With how miserable she is now, I wonder if that in some way would have been the better choice. The bottom line is, there really is no right or wrong in these situations, just survival and coping.

And yes - CoDA has been SO helpful to me and I can't wait to get back to it. Thank you for the resources.

Your responses, especially so promptly, really gave me a sense of feeling less alone, and I appreciate it. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.

J

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother also saw several therapists and it didn't seem to help - at least to us. Perhaps though, the therapist is providing some sort of emotional support.

After my father passed away- all assets belonged to my mother. She kept all this information secret from us. At one point, she named her children as POA, and also executors. One concern was - how am I supposed to do these tasks without any information about where her assets are or access to them?

I contacted her lawyers who made the documents. They were not able to help to me as they only drew up these documents. They didn't handle elder law or probate. I consulted an elder law attorney for advice about what can be done with an parent in this situation as it wasn't a cooperative one. At first, I didn't think the cost was necessary- but the information and advice was well worth it, even if there was little I could do as she was "legally competent".

If you are in the US, the laws for Medicare, Medicaid, and how to manage assets are complicated. I didn't know about them and so it's helpful to know how these apply to your mother's situation. There's a difference in assisted living and skilled nursing and what is covered and what isn't. If your mother has assets, Medicaid has rules about how they are spent and if she has significant assets, ways to manage them too (Medicaid compatible trusts). If your mother remains legally competent, there may not be much you can do, but if she isn't- the attorney can advise you on how to manage that situation.

I understand the emotional aspect- your mother's emotional distress- it doesn't feel as if there's control of that. But having some information on what can possibly be done (or not) to make sure her assets are managed can help some.