Heart absolutely broken not sure how to get over this

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok so I live in the United States I am married for 15 years and have 2 daughters 10 and 15. I’m 40 years old but take good care of myself . My wife has epilepsy so i had to close my business after 12 years and stay home to watch after her run the girls everywhere because she can’t drive and I pretty much do everything.

I had been in a somewhat depressed state and things were very much on the rocks with my wife. I hadn’t touched her sexually in over a year and all we did was argue. I started playing an online game calls of duty mobile and met a woman on there from the UK. We were instantly attracted to each others personalities and started playing together every day all day for couple hours.

After a few months I began to realize I had fallen in love with her and I had seen her on Facebook she was very attractive but I fell in love with this woman’s soul it felt like. She would tell me how  I was her person and soulmate and i gave her a new reason besides her son(who is autistic,nonverbal) 5 years old) to live. We would laugh and play then talk on the phone for hours. She told me about how she did have childhood trauma and her mom would abandon her n leave her with all kinds of different men and babysitters.she would say how when she was little she had to fend for herself from age 6 and was scared to ask for food or to go outside or anything for fear she would spark a negative reaction from her mother and get beaten.

She explained how this caused her to have a mechanism she called her “Little brain” which would over think everything and when a scenario approached she would overthink it so much that her “little brain” would go through all of the negative outcomes that could happen and this was a way of protecting herself because whatever outcome she got she had already thought about and prepared for. So 6 months into the relationship I separated from my wife who has no family or money and has severe epilepsy. I talked with my new love about how i would get a divorce and she had already started looking into moving from the uk to the USA so we could be together forever. I was 100% on board but told her that I could not just throw my wife out in the street and a divorce was gonna devastate my kids but just give me a little time and I would work it out. She flew to see me in November of this year and we stayed at a resort for 3 days and they were amazing. It was so hard to leave her and for her to leave me she said she cried the whole plane ride back to the uk n I was quite upset on my 5 hour drive home from Philadelphia airport. After she returned home she immediately booked a flight for January to come back same resort we even had the same room.

We fought quite a bit in this time after she returned home from seeing me and she even canceled her flight after one argument we had and when we made up had to rebook it which she lost 600$ by doing. We would fight because she would get upset saying I was never gonna actually leave my wife even though we were separated we still had to live and coparent until she could find somewhere to go.also in my state you must be separated if you have children for a year before a divorce can be done but you can live with  or date others. January comes and I pick her up at Philadelphia airport and we went to the resort. Everything was going great and she was a very very sexual person we made love and had a great time until the second evening I was sitting in the room with her and looking on my tablet when without me knowing she had took my phone and started looking through it. I didn’t care I didn’t have anything to hide and I had given her the password which was her sons birthday.

Well she ended up finding somewhere pictures that my wife had taken of herself nude in our kitchen using a tripod our daughter uses to film TikTok videos on. Well she immediately flipped out.she made arrangements to leave the -next morning and get a flight to another state where her dad was ….who btw had flown from the uk at the same time to meet his fiancé in North Carolina.

She said every mean thing to me you could think of and there was no talking to her so I just shut down. I didn’t say anything and the next morning she left. I also left later that day and drove home. This was on Wednesday Jan 15th. So that Friday the 17th I get a email from her saying she was driving back to Philly from nc to catch a flight home and basically saying she was sorry she flipped out and left like that. I of coarse forgave her and just wanted to talk to her and when she got home she booked a flight to come back in April.

Although we reconciled she would pick every opportunity to exploit times she thought I had a chance to call her and chose not to and called me a liar when I explained to her what I had been doing. So that Sunday the 19th I got in a huge argument with my mom and I took it out on her and we also got in a argument….she was calm, I was not, I said I was tired of her calling me a liar and etc etc. first thing she said was you want me to cancel my flight n of coarse me being mad I said I don’t give a PLEASE READ go for it.

Well 2 days later she texted me about how great of a guy I was and how I was so smart and had the best heart and my girls needed me so much so take good care of them, that she would always be there in some way but she just couldn’t get past her “little brain” and the thoughts that she couldn’t escape day and night about what I was doing with my soon to be ex wife. That it was her n she knew I would not understand but she couldn’t do it anymore. I told her that if she could just give up n just quit us just like that then there was no way she could love me. I mean if anyone read the love bomb letters she sent me about how I was her soul mate her person,her home and she :always said “I love you, Forever and Always and she would always be there ,she was there for the long run no mater what life brought we would face it together, there is no way I could think she loved me if she was willing to just throw her hands up because of her paranoia of what her “little brain” kept telling her I was doing with my wife. From that moment she just disappeared from my life. She blocked all my accounts online….my Facebook my emails everything.

I made a last attempt and said look if it will make you fell better I will move out of my house and would come see her in the uk which she never thought I would do. I told her that I had not touched my soon to be ex wife even though she had tried quite a lot, and I WAS NOT LYING…..SHE KNEW I was not in love with my wife I only married her because she was pregnant with our first daughter and I did the right thing. It did help my wife was extremely attractive and I would say a lot better looking than her but in this situation looks didn’t matter I loved her for her not her looks….although she was very pretty. Well she was like a different cold person….like she never cared for me a day in her life and from that point she just said she needed to heal and to leave her be. She said she did love me but just couldn’t do it….n I haven’t heard from her since. Just cold turkey split up and gone doesn’t give a PLEASE READ about me anymore. I broke down yesterday after 2 1/2 weeks of no contact at all and wrote her a email from a different address she didn’t know about and just said I wanted her in my life even if it’s just as friends.

I told her I had moved out of my house and my wife and I signed divorce papers although it wouldn’t be final for a little bit.i don’t know if she read it…I also sent her a Valentine’s Day gift but have heard nothing, Not one response…nothing. Here I was willing to leave everything for her and she left me first because her mind just kept telling her I would never leave my wife and she knew it. I have been devastated since ,i can’t sleep or eat and I will just break down n get upset 50 times a day without her. I don’t know if there was someone else….or if she will maybe will contact me after some time or what.

I just cannot escape this depressed sad feeling of being devastated like a loved one has died n ill never see the, again. I feel like if you can do this to someone you claimed you love so much then it was all a lie. I started reading about personality disorders and rethink back and just sit and think ….holy PLEASE READ everything this one describes is what I have experienced with her. The only difference is she always said she had made peace with the fact she was broken and would most likely always be alone. She has her hands full with her autistic son. I am so hurt and alone now and I’m it’s tearing me apart.how do I get over this?

[Comp21]

Ok so I live in the United States I am married for 15 years and have 2 daughters 10 and 15. I’m 40 years old but take good care of myself . My wife has epilepsy so i had to close my business after 12 years and stay home to watch after her run the girls everywhere because she can’t drive and I pretty much do everything.

I had been in a somewhat depressed state and things were very much on the rocks with my wife. I hadn’t touched her sexually in over a year and all we did was argue. I started playing an online game calls of duty mobile and met a woman on there from the UK. We were instantly attracted to each others personalities and started playing together every day all day for couple hours.

After a few months I began to realize I had fallen in love with her and I had seen her on Facebook she was very attractive but I fell in love with this woman’s soul it felt like. She would tell me how  I was her person and soulmate and i gave her a new reason besides her son(who is autistic,nonverbal) 5 years old) to live. We would laugh and play then talk on the phone for hours. She told me about how she did have childhood trauma and her mom would abandon her n leave her with all kinds of different men and babysitters.she would say how when she was little she had to fend for herself from age 6 and was scared to ask for food or to go outside or anything for fear she would spark a negative reaction from her mother and get beaten.

She explained how this caused her to have a mechanism she called her “Little brain” which would over think everything and when a scenario approached she would overthink it so much that her “little brain” would go through all of the negative outcomes that could happen and this was a way of protecting herself because whatever outcome she got she had already thought about and prepared for. So 6 months into the relationship I separated from my wife who has no family or money and has severe epilepsy. I talked with my new love about how i would get a divorce and she had already started looking into moving from the uk to the USA so we could be together forever. I was 100% on board but told her that I could not just throw my wife out in the street and a divorce was gonna devastate my kids but just give me a little time and I would work it out. She flew to see me in November of this year and we stayed at a resort for 3 days and they were amazing. It was so hard to leave her and for her to leave me she said she cried the whole plane ride back to the uk n I was quite upset on my 5 hour drive home from Philadelphia airport. After she returned home she immediately booked a flight for January to come back same resort we even had the same room.

We fought quite a bit in this time after she returned home from seeing me and she even canceled her flight after one argument we had and when we made up had to rebook it which she lost 600$ by doing. We would fight because she would get upset saying I was never gonna actually leave my wife even though we were separated we still had to live and coparent until she could find somewhere to go.also in my state you must be separated if you have children for a year before a divorce can be done but you can live with  or date others. January comes and I pick her up at Philadelphia airport and we went to the resort. Everything was going great and she was a very very sexual person we made love and had a great time until the second evening I was sitting in the room with her and looking on my tablet when without me knowing she had took my phone and started looking through it. I didn’t care I didn’t have anything to hide and I had given her the password which was her sons birthday.

Well she ended up finding somewhere pictures that my wife had taken of herself nude in our kitchen using a tripod our daughter uses to film TikTok videos on. Well she immediately flipped out.she made arrangements to leave the -next morning and get a flight to another state where her dad was ….who btw had flown from the uk at the same time to meet his fiancé in North Carolina.

She said every mean thing to me you could think of and there was no talking to her so I just shut down. I didn’t say anything and the next morning she left. I also left later that day and drove home. This was on Wednesday Jan 15th. So that Friday the 17th I get a email from her saying she was driving back to Philly from nc to catch a flight home and basically saying she was sorry she flipped out and left like that. I of coarse forgave her and just wanted to talk to her and when she got home she booked a flight to come back in April.

Although we reconciled she would pick every opportunity to exploit times she thought I had a chance to call her and chose not to and called me a liar when I explained to her what I had been doing. So that Sunday the 19th I got in a huge argument with my mom and I took it out on her and we also got in a argument….she was calm, I was not, I said I was tired of her calling me a liar and etc etc. first thing she said was you want me to cancel my flight n of coarse me being mad I said I don’t give a PLEASE READ go for it.

Well 2 days later she texted me about how great of a guy I was and how I was so smart and had the best heart and my girls needed me so much so take good care of them, that she would always be there in some way but she just couldn’t get past her “little brain” and the thoughts that she couldn’t escape day and night about what I was doing with my soon to be ex wife. That it was her n she knew I would not understand but she couldn’t do it anymore. I told her that if she could just give up n just quit us just like that then there was no way she could love me. I mean if anyone read the love bomb letters she sent me about how I was her soul mate her person,her home and she :always said “I love you, Forever and Always and she would always be there ,she was there for the long run no mater what life brought we would face it together, there is no way I could think she loved me if she was willing to just throw her hands up because of her paranoia of what her “little brain” kept telling her I was doing with my wife. From that moment she just disappeared from my life. She blocked all my accounts online….my Facebook my emails everything.

I made a last attempt and said look if it will make you fell better I will move out of my house and would come see her in the uk which she never thought I would do. I told her that I had not touched my soon to be ex wife even though she had tried quite a lot, and I WAS NOT LYING…..SHE KNEW I was not in love with my wife I only married her because she was pregnant with our first daughter and I did the right thing. It did help my wife was extremely attractive and I would say a lot better looking than her but in this situation looks didn’t matter I loved her for her not her looks….although she was very pretty. Well she was like a different cold person….like she never cared for me a day in her life and from that point she just said she needed to heal and to leave her be. She said she did love me but just couldn’t do it….n I haven’t heard from her since. Just cold turkey split up and gone doesn’t give a PLEASE READ about me anymore. I broke down yesterday after 2 1/2 weeks of no contact at all and wrote her a email from a different address she didn’t know about and just said I wanted her in my life even if it’s just as friends.

I told her I had moved out of my house and my wife and I signed divorce papers although it wouldn’t be final for a little bit.i don’t know if she read it…I also sent her a Valentine’s Day gift but have heard nothing, Not one response…nothing. Here I was willing to leave everything for her and she left me first because her mind just kept telling her I would never leave my wife and she knew it. I have been devastated since ,i can’t sleep or eat and I will just break down n get upset 50 times a day without her. I don’t know if there was someone else….or if she will maybe will contact me after some time or what.

I just cannot escape this depressed sad feeling of being devastated like a loved one has died n ill never see the, again. I feel like if you can do this to someone you claimed you love so much then it was all a lie. I started reading about personality disorders and rethink back and just sit and think ….holy PLEASE READ everything this one describes is what I have experienced with her. The only difference is she always said she had made peace with the fact she was broken and would most likely always be alone. She has her hands full with her autistic son. I am so hurt and alone now and I’m it’s tearing me apart.how do I get over this?

[seekingtheway]

HI there and welcome to the boards.

I don't have a ton of time to write a proper reply now, but just wanted to let you know I read your story, and I really feel for you. It sounds like you've been through a real rollercoaster in recent months.

Your story is one that will resonate with a lot of people here - the intense beginning, the declarations of love forever, soulmates and a feeling of finally having found your person, only for things to become terribly rocky over things that wouldn't normally destabilise a relationship, and then an abrupt ending that leaves you traumatised and confused about what has just happened.

There may be a bit for you to unpack, and we're here for you if you want to use the boards as a place to vent or talk about any of it. But it sounds like this last relationship was unlikely to be able to succeed, no matter what you did or said.

One thought that came to mind is that you've just come out of a marriage, and haven't had time to grieve or process that, and now this very unsettling situation has happened on top of that. It would be a lot for anyone and there's no doubt it will have had a big effect on you. Even if you didn't feel in love with your wife any more, the dissolving of a family and a marriage is a very stressful thing to happen. So I wonder if for the time being, providing yourself with a lot of self-care would be a good place to begin?

[Comp21]

Thank you so much for the reply. I didn’t know if anyone would. I have been trying to workout which I’ve only managed to muster the energy to do a couple times and trying to play the game I loved playing which was a get away for me before her because while playing I didn’t think about anything. Now i play n all I think about is her because that was where we met and our “Thing”. She blocked all my accounts on that game and I sent her a bracelet for Valentine’s Day I didn’t put my name on it I put her sons name as it was made custom and I sent her a necklace which didn’t arrive until late January because it was on back order. I wonder if she wears the I got no thank you or anything. She blocked all email addresses and my phone numbers. I just can’t wrap my head around how you can “ be so in love” and just cut someone out your life like they were nothing. I did write her and asked if we could just be friends befause I care about her so much if I can’t have her I still want her in my life. I just love her very much. She didn’t respond. My marriage is ending but we still live together for the time being but there is no affection there. I love my wife but I’m not In love with her. I want the best for her as well and we have to still co parent. I just don’t know what to do….one min I’m fine then the next I just want to dig a hole n disappear, then I hit the point where I wanna write her and be extremely mean telling her how she’s a heartless cruel bitch and she will get what she deserves in life for treating people this way. I would never do that because I care about her too much and I also know if i did that there would be no way she would come back. I know there is a big piece of me in the back of my mind that hopes she will come back.anyways I’m lost and hurting , thanks for responding .

[seekingtheway]

I know that feeling of wondering how on earth you could have been in a relationship with someone one minute who seemed to love you more than anyone else ever has, only for it to be gone in the next minute and that person suddenly seems completely detached.

I think it's worth remembering that someone with BPD has very strong protective mechanisms to prevent them from having to feel the shame of their patterns and actions. And so it's very common if not the standard for there to be a very strong push away at the end. The cold, detached way of being after the breakup will not make any sense when placed next to the strong declarations of love only moments prior. I think understanding why and how this mechanism works can help you to understand and realise that it is not about you. It's about an inability to hold a stable way of viewing themselves, other people and situations. This is how the disorder shows up. If untreated, there will also be an element of not being able to help this black and white way of thinking.

My wife has epilepsy so i had to close my business after 12 years and stay home to watch after her run the girls everywhere because she can’t drive and I pretty much do everything. I had been in a somewhat depressed state and things were very much on the rocks with my wife. I hadn’t touched her sexually in over a year and all we did was argue.

You mention here what it was like in the last part of your relationship with your wife, and it sounds like this took a toll on you, and you weren't in the best mental state prior to meeting this more recent ex. This is the part where I wondered if it might help to give some attention - to spend some time processing this, as well as dealing with the layers of hurt, shock and grief about suddenly losing someone who entered your life, and possibly represented your desire for a relationship that met your needs in a way your wife couldn't and didn't. There are a few layers of grief there, so it makes sense you are not feeling good in yourself at the moment. But try and trust in the process and know that it does and will get better. We all move through the grief one way or another, so keep sight of better days ahead.

[Comp21]

Just having someone to talk to or tell about this helps. She did write me and said thank you for the Valentine’s Day present and we can be friends but she has to find herself because she lost alotnof her mental in that situation which shocked me. She said “Don’t reply just take care of your girls they need you more than you know.” No love you or anything didn’t even sign her name at the end. Thank you for your reply. U helps a lot.

[Comp21]

It helps alot*

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps you haven't considered local resources for assistance?  While our remote and anonymous peer support is so helpful - and the resources on our site are excellent - local in-person help is invaluable too.  Perhaps you can also start sessions with a counselor or therapist to address your current issues.

What is usually best - if you're ending one relationship - is to give yourself time to recover your equilibrium first before starting another relationship.  What you started was, more or less, a rebound relationship.  Rebound relationships often face problems and even fail because there wasn't time given to resolve issues and find closure first.

It does appear this new woman had her own issues.  If BPD traits were involved, which does seem likely, then the relationship would have had an uphill struggle anyway, no matter how how you would have tried to make it work.  If you and her restart the contact again, very likely you will just continue the cycle of push-pull until it again flames out.  Best to Let Go and Move On.

Give yourself time to recover.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

[Comp21]

Yes i am going to speak to someone this week. We are expecting like 15 inches of snow which doesn’t help because will be stuck inside for a week with just my thoughts. As far as her and BPD she told me numerous times that is what she suffered from and she gets a call every so often she called it her once a month call to “make sure she was still alive”…but she didn’t take several of the medications they gave her and was on fluoxetine and a bunch of other medications for it. After one really really bad outburst she had where she started literally screaming at me and threw the phone (Relatively early in our relationship) I recommended she call her therapist that she been neglecting to talk to and she did but it didn’t help but for a little bit then she was right back to it. I asked her several times if she was bipolar as well and she said no but I wonder….most likely what she said to me in this last email was a quote straight from her therapist which is fine but i just told her your welcome for the gift and I just wanted to know why she couldn’t talk to me….she said she needed to find herself first. So I doubt I will ever get her back although I was hoping if I could be friends with her she would come around. I would not mention anything about our relationship or anything just be her friend,she was my best friend as I was her only friend pretty much….she hates her mother and her dad she said would be around then disappear for years. I don’t know I’m very confused….i need to get over her but I want to talk to her n stuff so badly. Again thank you for the replies.

[SinisterComplex]

Ok so I live in the United States I am married for 15 years and have 2 daughters 10 and 15. I’m 40 years old but take good care of myself . My wife has epilepsy so i had to close my business after 12 years and stay home to watch after her run the girls everywhere because she can’t drive and I pretty much do everything.

I had been in a somewhat depressed state and things were very much on the rocks with my wife. I hadn’t touched her sexually in over a year and all we did was argue. I started playing an online game calls of duty mobile and met a woman on there from the UK. We were instantly attracted to each others personalities and started playing together every day all day for couple hours.

After a few months I began to realize I had fallen in love with her and I had seen her on Facebook she was very attractive but I fell in love with this woman’s soul it felt like. She would tell me how  I was her person and soulmate and i gave her a new reason besides her son(who is autistic,nonverbal) 5 years old) to live. We would laugh and play then talk on the phone for hours. She told me about how she did have childhood trauma and her mom would abandon her n leave her with all kinds of different men and babysitters.she would say how when she was little she had to fend for herself from age 6 and was scared to ask for food or to go outside or anything for fear she would spark a negative reaction from her mother and get beaten.

She explained how this caused her to have a mechanism she called her “Little brain” which would over think everything and when a scenario approached she would overthink it so much that her “little brain” would go through all of the negative outcomes that could happen and this was a way of protecting herself because whatever outcome she got she had already thought about and prepared for. So 6 months into the relationship I separated from my wife who has no family or money and has severe epilepsy. I talked with my new love about how i would get a divorce and she had already started looking into moving from the uk to the USA so we could be together forever. I was 100% on board but told her that I could not just throw my wife out in the street and a divorce was gonna devastate my kids but just give me a little time and I would work it out. She flew to see me in November of this year and we stayed at a resort for 3 days and they were amazing. It was so hard to leave her and for her to leave me she said she cried the whole plane ride back to the uk n I was quite upset on my 5 hour drive home from Philadelphia airport. After she returned home she immediately booked a flight for January to come back same resort we even had the same room.

We fought quite a bit in this time after she returned home from seeing me and she even canceled her flight after one argument we had and when we made up had to rebook it which she lost 600$ by doing. We would fight because she would get upset saying I was never gonna actually leave my wife even though we were separated we still had to live and coparent until she could find somewhere to go.also in my state you must be separated if you have children for a year before a divorce can be done but you can live with  or date others. January comes and I pick her up at Philadelphia airport and we went to the resort. Everything was going great and she was a very very sexual person we made love and had a great time until the second evening I was sitting in the room with her and looking on my tablet when without me knowing she had took my phone and started looking through it. I didn’t care I didn’t have anything to hide and I had given her the password which was her sons birthday.

Well she ended up finding somewhere pictures that my wife had taken of herself nude in our kitchen using a tripod our daughter uses to film TikTok videos on. Well she immediately flipped out.she made arrangements to leave the -next morning and get a flight to another state where her dad was ….who btw had flown from the uk at the same time to meet his fiancé in North Carolina.

She said every mean thing to me you could think of and there was no talking to her so I just shut down. I didn’t say anything and the next morning she left. I also left later that day and drove home. This was on Wednesday Jan 15th. So that Friday the 17th I get a email from her saying she was driving back to Philly from nc to catch a flight home and basically saying she was sorry she flipped out and left like that. I of coarse forgave her and just wanted to talk to her and when she got home she booked a flight to come back in April.

Although we reconciled she would pick every opportunity to exploit times she thought I had a chance to call her and chose not to and called me a liar when I explained to her what I had been doing. So that Sunday the 19th I got in a huge argument with my mom and I took it out on her and we also got in a argument….she was calm, I was not, I said I was tired of her calling me a liar and etc etc. first thing she said was you want me to cancel my flight n of coarse me being mad I said I don’t give a PLEASE READ go for it.

Well 2 days later she texted me about how great of a guy I was and how I was so smart and had the best heart and my girls needed me so much so take good care of them, that she would always be there in some way but she just couldn’t get past her “little brain” and the thoughts that she couldn’t escape day and night about what I was doing with my soon to be ex wife. That it was her n she knew I would not understand but she couldn’t do it anymore. I told her that if she could just give up n just quit us just like that then there was no way she could love me. I mean if anyone read the love bomb letters she sent me about how I was her soul mate her person,her home and she :always said “I love you, Forever and Always and she would always be there ,she was there for the long run no mater what life brought we would face it together, there is no way I could think she loved me if she was willing to just throw her hands up because of her paranoia of what her “little brain” kept telling her I was doing with my wife. From that moment she just disappeared from my life. She blocked all my accounts online….my Facebook my emails everything.

I made a last attempt and said look if it will make you fell better I will move out of my house and would come see her in the uk which she never thought I would do. I told her that I had not touched my soon to be ex wife even though she had tried quite a lot, and I WAS NOT LYING…..SHE KNEW I was not in love with my wife I only married her because she was pregnant with our first daughter and I did the right thing. It did help my wife was extremely attractive and I would say a lot better looking than her but in this situation looks didn’t matter I loved her for her not her looks….although she was very pretty. Well she was like a different cold person….like she never cared for me a day in her life and from that point she just said she needed to heal and to leave her be. She said she did love me but just couldn’t do it….n I haven’t heard from her since. Just cold turkey split up and gone doesn’t give a PLEASE READ about me anymore. I broke down yesterday after 2 1/2 weeks of no contact at all and wrote her a email from a different address she didn’t know about and just said I wanted her in my life even if it’s just as friends.

I told her I had moved out of my house and my wife and I signed divorce papers although it wouldn’t be final for a little bit.i don’t know if she read it…I also sent her a Valentine’s Day gift but have heard nothing, Not one response…nothing. Here I was willing to leave everything for her and she left me first because her mind just kept telling her I would never leave my wife and she knew it. I have been devastated since ,i can’t sleep or eat and I will just break down n get upset 50 times a day without her. I don’t know if there was someone else….or if she will maybe will contact me after some time or what.

I just cannot escape this depressed sad feeling of being devastated like a loved one has died n ill never see the, again. I feel like if you can do this to someone you claimed you love so much then it was all a lie. I started reading about personality disorders and rethink back and just sit and think ….holy PLEASE READ everything this one describes is what I have experienced with her. The only difference is she always said she had made peace with the fact she was broken and would most likely always be alone. She has her hands full with her autistic son. I am so hurt and alone now and I’m it’s tearing me apart.how do I get over this?

Hello my friend. Quite a bit to digest for sure. However, I can tell you we do pay attention here. I check in when I can as I have a lot of responsibilities on my plate. With that said I am glad others have checked in on you. Trust me we do get it here and we do understand.

Also, don't feel that no one will reach out. That is what this resource is for. We are here for you. Responses may not be immediate, but you will meet some new anonymous friends here for sure because above all else we care and want to help.

as my good friend FD mentioned already...this will be a process so it will take time. There is no easy shortcut, no magic wand, no secret button to push to make everything better. Take the time to grieve and take each day as it comes. As time moves on hopefully some of the pieces of the puzzle start to fall in place and you can learn from this situation to help you grow.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself...do not take that for granted.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

So I doubt I will ever get her back although I was hoping if I could be friends with her she would come around. I would not mention anything about our relationship or anything just be her friend,she was my best friend as I was her only friend pretty much… I don’t know I’m very confused….i need to get over her but I want to talk to her n stuff so badly. Again thank you for the replies.

We understand where you're at.  Many here also wanted to be at least friends, after all we are Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  But empathy and good wishes aren't anywhere near enough when dealing with serious mental health dysfunction.

Since we face the all-or-nothing perceptions of the other person, managing to have a "friend" middle stance is too often simply not possible.  That was the outcome for many here.  Ponder that you may have to Accept that outcome.  Have you heard of the stages of Grieving a Loss?

[Comp21]

I have been struggling so much I don’t know what to do. I miss her so much and I want to write her and say something but Inknow she won’t respond so I don’t. I still can’t come to terms with the fact that everything she said was not true. I feel like she really loved me….almost to the point of obsession. I keep thinking maybe she wasn’t such a severe case of bpd because she did seem to have a decent head on her shoulders and did a good job raising and understanding her autistic son. She did tell me all the time that she tries so hard and sometimes she yells and loses her temper which she did a lot if I didn’t call or text when she thought I should have,but she also said she was a PLEASE READ human being and she didn’t think she deserved or would ever be able to keep the love of someone….she was destined to be alone and she said she had come to terms with that and was ok with that. I felt different I felt that she gave her all to me and I feel like I didn’t do enough. She wanted me to kick my wife out or leave and I said I could not do that….we were separated but she had nowhere to go. So she just kept saying my wife did not take the fact of separation seriously and I would never leave her. I think after finding those pictures and leaving me at this resort because she flipped out so bad she finally just figured I wouldn’t ever leave and she had a friend that was telling her to go no contact and that’s what she did. I just don’t see how you can claim to be in love with someone so much and then just delete them….i know i am rambling on but I am going nuts. It’s like she never even cared about me a day in her life. I have amappointment to see a psychiatrist about my depression and anxiety so maybe that will help. I am still very lost.

[once removed]

I still can’t come to terms with the fact that everything she said was not true. I feel like she really loved me….almost to the point of obsession.

it was true, but it wasnt sustainable.

ive probably told every girl i ever dated, some variation of "youre the most beautiful girl in the world". i wasnt lying. i meant the expression at the time. however, its obviously not a view that i still hold, and no ex girlfriend of mine realistically believes that its something i still believe.

people with bpd traits over emote, and over express themselves. they are fickle. they are dreamers. it isnt that they are lying.

part of the issue here, and it is an issue for many of us, is mistaking intensity for intimacy. you had a very intense, fast moving relationship, and a lot of loving words and promises were made. but actual intimacy is built slowly over time.

in other words, nothing you experienced was "not real". but the foundation of it was not as strong or as deep as it might have felt.

an obviously significant piece of this is that the relationship also began as an affair. affairs tend to be passionate, whirlwind, intense romances.

the problem is, they are built on a foundation of distrust. and people with bpd traits already struggle with trust. when the relationship gets beyond that honeymoon stage, and meets reality, it often crashes and burns, because it was built on intensity, not on intimacy.

it was real. but it wasnt built to last.