Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:47:19 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Have I Done Enough?  (Read 370 times)
Sgtmack

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: February 09, 2017, 01:19:56 PM »

Can’t Do This Anymore!

    My Wife’s mood swings are from one end of the spectrum to the other. It can change in seconds and usually does not last more than a day. Sometimes it can swing back and forth a couple times a day.  Anytime I try to talk to her about certain subjects like money or the children in our lives, she works herself in to frenzy saying outrageous things. I was always feeling like I was walking on egg shells always being very careful of what I said or how I would say it, but I usually step on a landmine anyway. Now I have started digging my heels in and trying to stop the bleeding we fight a lot more. It always seems like there is an emergency or crisis that must be solved right now and can’t wait. She will lie in order to cover up things she has done. 

   
            My wife has attracted herself to young men. I think this is because she wanted a large family and we only had two girls that are now 21 and 25. There has been more than a couple, but the last two are the most disruptive. My wife is a great elementary school teacher.  I do not think there is anything sexual but it is not normal. It started out with her helping the first boy graduate high school. The next thing I know I am being asked to fix his truck and help repair the family house. By the end she is paying for him to live in an apartment for college, cell phone and other needs. The only reason this relationship ended is the boy’s girlfriend demanded that he stop seeing or talking to her.

            The latest boy is 23 years old and an acquaintance/friend of my youngest daughter from high school. They started just her and him talking on the phone. Then he needed a couple of bucks for gas. Now it is to the point that he calls her mom and she calls him son. If you didn’t know her family she will refer to him has her son. If she is questioned, then she will reply that it is her adopted son. I am supposed to call him son and he calls me dad.  When I get upset about this name calling, I get told that he looks to you has a father. In the last month after confronting the boy on money my wife got in my phone and deleted all my contact information on the boy.

            My wife gave him her debit card and he ran up 30,000 dollars in bills and NSF charges before I found out. She has co-signed for a loan on a truck for him without my knowledge that was repossessed.  She has paid for an apartment in Baton Rouge for the last seven months for him.  She also co-signed for a credit card and a loan for some guns for him, all without talking to me first.  She has put him above her entire family to the point. When money got tight, the bill collector’s started calling my phone because she would just ignore them. Every time the boy threatens to not talk to her by blocking her phone because of his bills not being paid or he can’t get something he wants she will panic and fret over him.

   There are times when she is completely rational other times not so much. She has allowed or gave money without regard to the consequences ... .overdrafts, credit cards and not paying our bills until the utility companies threaten to turn off the service.  If it was not for my mother-in-law’s help I would be financially bankrupt today. My mother-in-law took over the finances for six months hoping to straighten out the mess. She couldn’t get my wife to stop helping the boy. Two weeks ago my mother-in-law informs us we no longer owe her the money but has written us out of her will.

    During Christmas break they had a fight while we were in Dallas with family she texted him with my phone saying she had had a minor heart a tack and to please talk to her. She signed my name to the text.  He causes emergency situations in order get his way. She was trying to get her daughters to take out loans for her to pays his bills. Our house was flooded out during hurricane Isaac so to repair our house both of our cars have been put up as collateral on loans that were supposed to go to rebuilding the house; some money did go to the house but most disappeared. This is not our first major financial problems both Katrina and Isaac insurance money got us out of debit.  Two years ago we did not even know this boy.

   I have tried to be a good husband and father keeping my wedding vows but I just can do this anymore. This morning she was talking to me about how am always beating her down and belittling her because I won’t stop about the money and the boy. She is talking now how she is thinking about a divorce.

 Guys have I done enough? 
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2017, 02:30:58 PM »

Whether you've done enough or not, only you can say; but looking back at your original post here from March of last year, it certainly looks like you've done and put up with quite a bit! I'm fairly certain that a lot of others would not have put up with what you have for so long. Your strength is commendable.

It sounds to me like you need a solid plan to stop her from bleeding you dry and forcing you into bankruptcy. Have you tried defining and maintaining boundaries about the finances?
Logged
ArleighBurke
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: was married - 15 yrs
Posts: 911


« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2017, 07:47:04 PM »

Agreed. If you want to stay and try, clear solid boundaries are required. You need to control finances - such as splitting income 50/50 and having separate accounts. It's not up to you to CONTROL the money, but control your half. However this may not stop you from being affected - if you have joint assets (like a house) then if she racks up debt against it you may still lose.
Logged

Your journey, your direction. Be the captain!
Sgtmack

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2017, 07:53:31 AM »

I have asked to run the finances but that only end in an emotional episode. She says that she needs to prove to me she can do it. We had an agreement if the finances weren't stable by February I was taking over. How ever at the end of December she had to have a surgery to remove a bone under her skull. It was crushing her brain from fluid pressure. I thought that was a fair time after the surgery.

She is afraid the boy will not get any help from me. I was a Marine for eight years we never leave a man behind but at the same time you are expected to put your own weight.

I have a hard time with empathy. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I am a Marine and a mechanic so mission accomplished and fixing things are the only way I know how to do things.

Thank you for taking the time two read both posts. I didn't know it was still on here.
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2017, 10:47:58 AM »

I am a Marine and a mechanic so mission accomplished and fixing things are the only way I know how to do things.

Well, let's work within those parameters then. It's important to realize what part of the mission is within your control and what you can fix. Start by focusing on those things. What are they?

As AB said, you are only able to control your part of things. She is responsible for hers. How can you accomplish your mission from that perspective?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!