Five years and eight months

[RogueaLeader]

I was with Brit for five years and eight months. In fact we were stuck together during COVID or it may have been less. She juggled diagnosis with every new therapist and psychiatrist (BPD, Schizophrenia bipolar type). It's weird, before her I was kind of a normal person. I was in college with three weeks left before I would get a degree  and was just kind of sabotaged looking back by her (she wanted me dependent on her I think). Anyways, we have been broken up for almost two years now, but there's definitely something going on with me. I'm distant to everyone now, don't leave my house (seriously in my room for years now).
      I know I'm depressed and my social anxiety is out of control. I've had depression issues since I was 18-19. The worst thing I ever did was not say no to her. I didn't want to date her, but after constant pressure to do so I finally just went along with it. It was actually really great for a while even though I was obviously in some type of denial with the whole relationship. She was using drugs a lot. She would ask me to drive her to get them and I'd tell her no I don't want to do that and then a minute later would ask me to take her again like I never said no and this would keep happening while she would get more frustrated with every attempt until I would give in (yes I know I enabled by taking her). I even started using some drugs to fit in and would always be hounding her when we were sober that I'd like to stay sober, but it never sank in with her that this wasn't what ai wanted out of life. I didn't and still don't like to break the law (very hard to be an addict when someone feels that way haha).
      Now that some time has passed with that relationship, I can see the manipulation and just downright horrible way I was treated. I got a therapist and she had to have the same one. First then me we went to see him she went outside and said she tripped and hit the mailbox with her eye. So she had a black eye her first time going to him and I was treated like I was abusive after that. Every guy she ever dated was abusive apparently and it's very obvious she tells people that I too was abusive. While I never hit her I did make mistakes. Arguing with her for one and raising my voice. The first time she told me she cheated she "accidentally" had 911 on the line. I believe now she was hoping I had a worse reaction than I did. I just said "I don't want to deal with this right now" and went and played Madden. Five minutes later the police were at my door. She called them a lot and I still assume she had a firm of PTSD also and really was afraid sometimes even though I never physically hurt her.

Basically it's been two years and we still talk occasionally, but I'm different now. It's like I've went backwards. I have no self-esteem after being cheated on multiple times, I don't leave my room often because of my irrational fears of talking to people which was a problem when I was a child but eventually came out of it.

     I've regressed and think I finally understand why. After a five and a half year toxic relationship with someone with BPD that manipulated so many situations, arguments, and time's I'm worn out. It's weird and believe I shouldn't miss the way she treated me, used me, and yes abused me I'm lost. I miss 50% of the relationship and want it back. I'm just really messed up since that relationship. She thinks she broke up with me, but that's not how it happened and I know better than correcting her at this point, but what should I do? It's obvious to me now that I need professional help and talk this through with someone. We got back together this past summer until she started using again and took off. I no longer will let her at my home, but I feel like I've got symptoms of borderline personality disorder now. Is that normal after being stuck with someone with BPD for years. She stuck to me like glue when I say stuck with her I mean we never had a day to ourselves. She was always with me. My mother even brought up the fact she wouldn't let me out of her site. Now I'm have mental problems, some symptoms are brand new.* It's like I was around her so much that I started thinking like her. Does that make sense to anybody?

Broken, lost, and tormented is my new normal. It's hard to be in public now and I feel like I've been judged by everyone I know. I hope what I've written makes sense to someone. I'm completely overwhelmed right now and feel like complete and utter trash. I can't have a normal conversation with anyone half the time. I'm also in a family that is very dysfunctional. My uncle has a mental illness and I've had to be a caregiver for him and my mother the past year or so. I'm just completely wore out. If anyone has advice, or needs more information before giving me advice let me know. I'm just not okay and this is my first time admitting it

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  What you're sharing makes perfect sense and it's a topic that a lot of people sort of avoid here...our own mental health.  Yet when you look at these relationships with constant abuse and manipulation, it's obvious why most of us end up in counseling to deal with our own grief. 

You mentioned it's been two years since you broke up, but you also said she returned this summer and disappeared.  It's also unclear who broke up with who and that's because in some ways, you're still bogged down by this relationship since it's not entirely over. 

In a nutshell, you need time to heal and find yourself once again...and that might not be possible if you're still "friends".  What she did to you was wrong, and what she's doing to you now is preventing you from fully moving on.  It's time to break those ties and actually put yourself first.

One other thing; I was married to a BPD for 23 years and I thought the exact same way as you...everyone I met seemed like they had BPD and it felt like a ticking timebomb in my mind.  But that does pass with time and you do need to learn to trust once again.  The relationship problems were not your fault and none of this was on you....what happened was because of mental illness and disordered thinking. 

Find a way to accept that and let this go...for your own sanity.  I hope that helps!