Power imbalance in relationship

[LittleRedBarn]

I'm not really looking for advice here, just some validation that this is a difficult situation!

My dBPDh and I have been living apart since July 2023, when a protective order was brought against me. The protective order was originally brought because of something that I did during his mental health breakdown in April of that year, and because his family went to the police and said that I was manipulative, controlling, abusive and that I had coerced my husband into trying to kill himself. It's a second marriage and I'm the wicked step-mother, so they have always hated me, but the past two years have been extreme. Essentially, they were blaming me for his mental health breakdown.

After nearly two years of therapy for both of us, we are ready to try and rebuild the relationship. The residential stay-away was lifted on December 2nd 2024, and since then I have gradually been spending more and more time with him at the family home, and things have been going well. I have now given notice on the apartment that I have been renting. I will be moving back home mid-March.

My problem is that, although the residential stay-away has been lifted, the protective order remains and this creates a power imbalance in the relationship. I am not allowed to "assault, threaten, abuse, harass, follow, interfere with, or stalk" my husband. Breaking a protective order is a felony and could lead to immediate arrest. I witnessed this first hand when we were stopped for speeding in Maine recently. The police there could see there was a PO on their system, but couldn't see that it had been modified to allow us to travel together. If my attorney hadn't been able to talk them down on the phone, they were all ready to handcuff me and take me into custody. So breaking a protective order is taken very seriously.

The risk I am taking by moving home is that, if my husband became very angry and dysregulated, he has the power to call the police and allege that I have been abusing him, and they would take it seriously. Although I don't believe he would ever do this, he could potentially hold it as a threat over me, if he was very angry about something.

I am making a conscious choice about this, on the basis that he would never do such a thing while he was calm, and that two years of DBT therapy has given him the skills to self-regulate or take time-out, if he becomes dysregulated. But I am making myself very vulnerable by moving back home in these circumstances. I am also vulnerable to his family making further false accusations against me.

I am going to talk to my attorneys about how long we need to wait before we can apply to the court to have the Protective Order fully lifted, but it doesn't feel right to wait for it to be lifted before moving back home. It could take months or even years, and the two of us are emotionally and psychologically ready to live together again now - it's just that the legal process hasn't yet caught up.

Does anyone have any thoughts, or experience of this kind of situation?

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[Anonymous22]

Hmmm...I am in a similar situation to you, but with it being reversed, there is a PO on my uBPDh in regards to me.  I would def play this very cautiously!  Violating a PO is very serious and could end like you said, immediate arrest, prison time and a felony on your record.  Unfortunately, you never know what situations are ahead.  I am not sure the terms of your PO, but in our situation an automatic PO was put in place for 2 years.  I am allowed to amend the PO, and according to my attorney, the judge (and DA) will most likely be willing to agree to the amendments in slow increments (no contact to phone contact to seeing each other in public to full contact) as long as there are no problems at each increment.  I have made amendments along the way and we are currently at seeing each other in public...and we are only at 2 1/2 months out from the start of the PO.  At the last court date, I asked my attorney to amend the PO again to allow us to see each other everywhere, just not allow him to move back in to our house...as I need to see more mental health improvement in him before I will agree to that.  My attorney talked to his attorney to let him know our plan (our attorney's are working together mostly) for the PO, to which his attorney asked me not to do that.  He asked that I keep the PO until the case is completely done.  His reasoning for this is that he has seen too many instances where his clients have had the PO dropped, something pops off and all of a sudden instead of trying for a misdemeanor, he is now fighting 2 felony charges.  My H told me that he told his attorney that he would take the chances of that happening, that he was sure that it would be fine, in fact, he begged him to ok this...which I agree but...I also NEVER thought that we would be sitting where we are sitting.  Ultimately, it was my decision, but I went with what his lawyer suggested and I told my H, that this is his life and in reality this is our life and our 5 kid's lives...and I'm not willing to risk all of our futures any longer.  In my opinion, its not worth it.  When his lawyer says the time is right to fully drop the PO, I will.  Is your husband allowed to drop the PO?  If so, would he be willing to do so (in your opinion, not something that you should ask as that could look bad on you)?  If not, when does the PO expire?  I understand what you are saying, but I will repeat a question that my attorney asked me at the beginning of the case when I asked him when will this be over with...he asked me "what is most important to you...now or long term?"  I said long term, to which he said that if we want a good outcome it will take time but it will be done right so this can be put behind you guys.  You have been in this type of situation longer than I have, so I understand with all that you have been through you just want to do what you want...I just ask that you continue to think of the long term outcome for you two...whatever that means to you.         

[EyesUp]

You are doing the right thing by consulting your atty and seeking further validation - of your feelings, and of your best options.

I'm reminded of the parable of the scorpion and the frog - if you don't know it, it's an easy search.  It was featured in a monologue in The Crying Game, which is itself a story about a boundary-pushing relationship...  the parable illustrates that sometimes individuals take action against their own interest.

This is why your caution is warranted.

If you make those calls, perhaps you can determine if waiting until the PO is lifted is viable.

Or, perhaps you can explore other means to protect your interest - e.g., keeping a voice recorder going 24/7, at least until the PO is lifted, although that comes with its own risks as well.

Good luck navigating your next steps.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Anonymous 22

Thanks for sharing your experience and I agree that focusing on the long-term is the most important thing. I also firmly believe in listening to our attorneys (my H and I have one each) as they have seen all of it before and have been a rock for us throughout the whole process.

My PO has no expiration date, that is part of the problem. And my H has wanted it lifted since Day 1 but the court would not agree, due to his family's testimony against me.

Here is a timeline of how things went for me:

July 2023 - Protective order brought, no contact apart from virtual (phone, video etc)

August 2023 - My H petitioned to have PO lifted. Court refused, but agreed to modify PO so that my husband  could attend my medical appointments, as I was having treatment for cancer

September 2023 - I petitioned to have PO lifted as I was due to have major surgery for cancer. Court refused.

Spent next six months recovering from cancer surgery and undergoing major psychiatric evaluation to show that I am not a danger to my H.

May 2024 - I petitioned to have PO lifted based on psychiatric reports. Court lifted no contact order but retained residential stay-away.

Dec 2024 - Court lifted residential stay-away.

I spoke to my attorney today, and she said that the court will want to see us living together successfully for a while before finally lifting the PO. So I don't really have a choice about moving back in with the PO in place. It's a bit of a Catch-22.

I need to take some time to be certain that I am happy to put myself in a position where my H has the power to get me arrested, if that is what he chose to do. And where his family has the power to make further false allegations against me, that the court would likely take seriously, as they did before.

It's not an easy decision to make.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Eyes Up

Thanks for the parable of the frog and the scorpion - I hadn't heard of it before! Definitely a cautionary tale.

I will talk more with my attorney, and also my therapist, before making a final decision.