Discarded. I want to do whatever is in my hands to have her back Pt. 1

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. I just found this forum and I'm so very thankful for it. My girlfriend who has BPD discarded me all of a sudden and I really need some help and perspective from others who understand. This is going to be quite long so I apologies about that. Please read it whenever you have time. Also, english isn't my native language so bear with me. TW: some talk about suicidal tendencies (not my own).

Some context about the relationship:

Me (M24) and my girlfriend (F23) met online when I had just moved abroad to Germany with my family at the age of 18. She's from my home country of Bulgaria. We were friends for a bit and on the 31st of March, 2019 we decided to try a long distance relationship. The next ~4 years were the best of my life. Our relationship went smoothly, we met each other every few months. Made so many precious memories I will always cherish. She became the love of my life. We got so attached and co dependent on each other. Other couples were even jealous of how "perfect" everything was. Looking back on this now in tears, it was truly remarkable. She has pretty bad depression and I knew that from the beginning, but neither of us were even aware of what BPD is.

One day, about 2 years ago she mentioned to me on the phone that while we were together, she felt this irrational anger at me which surprised and scared her. She then researched it online and came to the suspicion that she has BPD. I started my research on it too. She was pretty upset by it, crying and telling me that she's scared that I'll leave her  because of it. I don't like self diagnosing, but I didn't go against her opinion. Since that day, things between us slowly started degrading. We hadn't fought even once before it, but slowly we started having arguments. Calm at first, then more serious. More angry. Turned into real fights. Started having them pretty often for no reason at all. 2 years passed since then and it got progressively bad, but despite it we persevered.

I was hellbent on doing my best to support her, but it was starting to wear me down. Due to her depression, her mental health got worse. She became suicidal. Had 2 attempts that I know of, stopped one myself. According to her own words, I'm the only reason she's still here and she's both very thankful and very angry at that, because I'm blocking her from doing it successfully. My own mental health deteriorated, I became paranoid. Going more than 5 hours without contact made me panic that she did something to herself. I felt like I had to be vigilant 24/7, because her family was unsupportive. Things kept getting worse between us. I assume she started resenting me because I was "keeping her" alive. She started withdrawing from me slowly, except when we were together irl. It was all back to normal then. Just last summer, on August, we had a magical vacation. It was again perfect. We even attended a wedding, me as the best man and in our culture - the girlfriend or wife of the best man also plays a huge important role. It went swimmingly. Then I returned back to Germany to continue studying. She studied back in Bulgaria. This would've been our last year before we could move in together. Already had so many plans and wishes, it was exciting.

The problem at hand:
Now that I'm finished with the context (sorry for the wall of text again!), we come to the situation now. Since then she kept withdrawing slowly. We would barely spend time texting or calling, or doing anything much together though there were still such moments. We had a big talk about it, made some promises and I thought things were improving slowly. I had convinced her finally to seek professional help. She was managing her splitting episodes well enough, no big fights. Some stuff happened in my life that made things very tough for me. A family member passed away, another got very sick. I needed her support so much, but she wasn't really there. Not that she didn't want to, she just seemed to not be able to give it which made her angry at herself.

On the 19th of January, 2025 (just 3 days before my birthday) we had a pleasant evening. Had a call and played some games together. Later she went to take a shower and came out of it feeling a bit unwell and lightheaded. We said our goodnights by sending each other short videos. She called me her future husband in one of those then she fell asleep suddenly. On the next day, she was missing for a bit more than 12 hours. I thought she was just sleeping, but the longer she was offline - the more paranoid I got. She didn't return my calls so I decided to text her mother and ask how she is. She has a very strained relationship with her mother, she pretty much hates her but for my own good - we agreed that if I ever feel too panicked and in emergency, I'd be allowed to text/call her mother. I thought it'd be fine, seeing as she even told me to wish her mother a happy bday on call just a week before and that wasn't a problem. Anyway, I did it and her mother told me that she's not at home so she doesn't know what my gf is doing currently. All of a sudden I got an angry message from my girlfriend. She was so angry that I messaged her mother, even though it was supposed to be fine. I tried to calm her down but nothing helped. I realised she just entered a very, very bad split - worse than before. She called and kept yelling at me, something which she had never done before. Then out of nowhere told me she's breaking up with me and blocked me everywhere.

This had happened only once before - just a few monthsd ago - and her sister managed to make her snap out of it. Back then, she unblocked me after an hour, apologised profusely in tears saying that she didn't know why she's doing it to me etc. She agreed not to do it anymore, but here I was blocked again. I gave her time & space, but after a few hours she still hadn't unblocked me. I started worrying a lot, trying to contact her to no avail. One of her 2 best friends then messaged me asking wtf happened. Apparently my girlfriend told her to block me, but she didn't. We talked with her for a bit, she promised to help us. Her other friend also messaged me about it, but she didn't want to help cuz she had a bit of a strained relationship with my girlfriend.

A miserable week passed with no contact. For the first time in ~6 years I "celebrated" my birthday without her. Her first BFF went and met my girlfriend then without any messages proceeded to block me. Then the 2nd friend did it too. Now I had no ways to contact my girlfriend. I decided to send her a small postcard with a few lovely words and her favourite flowers. She received them and that night she unblocked and called me just to yell at me again. I tried to get a reason for this happening, but nothing she said made sense. She rewrote our past, made up stuff, blamed me for things that SHE did to ME and not the other way around. Then left me in tears and blocked me fully again. I had never cried since I was a kid. She always wanted to make me feel comfortable enough for me to let it out and have a cry. Well now I was full on a sobbing mess. I decided to give her more time, hoping the splitting will end - hoping she will change her mind. Booked tickets and a hotel for the 14th of February, for St. Valentines day. The most difficult time of my life was waiting until that day. It finally came and I visited her. She was shocked to see me. I tell you, the person I saw then and there was not the person I was in love with for the past 6 years. She was cold, unapologetic, could not care less about me. She didn't want to reconcile or even talk much. I begged in tears to at least talk for a bit, but she didn't want to. She again reiterated what she had told me on that call. Again nothing made sense, she was straight up making up things right to my face. I was in shock, could NOT believe it. I told her I love her very much and left in tears. Flew back home.

Since then I'm in agony. Not a moment goes by in which I don't miss her. All my thoughts are about her. I go through life like an automaton, not really living just going through the motions. I try to distract myself as best as I can, with friends and family trying to help me. But when everyone is gone and it's night, I'm left alone with my thoughts and I can't stop them from wandering to happy memories of her. Items all around me in my room, that I'm not ready to remove yet, remind me of special moments. The plushie toy she gave to me last time we saw each other. It even has her perfume on it. The hairbands she gifted me to tie my hair and always think of her. The seashells we collected together during sunset at the beach last time. The diary we kept together and now was my turn to have it. I can't even think about it without tearing up, because of what's inside it. Love letters and one page especially, in which she used lipstick to cover it whole in kisses. All of this brought me so much joy, warmth and feelings of love. Now, it's only sharp and unending pain. My heart yearns for her.

Sleep doesn't come easy and when it does, I dream of her. Then I wake up even more miserable. I wish for her to call me, reconcile and start healing together again. Like we always did. I wish it got at least a tiny bit easier with each day. But the pain is so consistent and feels so fresh. Six years man. Six years thinking I will grow old with this girl. Six years thinking we will forever be each others. Six damn years worth of memories, moments, plans and wishes we shared. An imagined future together that felt so close to happening. Just gone overnight. This is so incredibly cruel. I gave her so much of myself. I literally kept her alive by ruining myself. How can it not matter at all?

It's so much more than losing a girlfriend. A part of me is gone and even the most distant friends I have are noticing it, even though I'd like to think I'm pretty good at covering up how depressed I am. This is hell and I don't know what I did to deserve it.

Our 6th anniversary is approaching, it's on the 31st of March. I am thinking of sending her a handrwitten, heartfelt letter. Nothing that puts pressure on her, just reiterating my love for her and how much I care and worry about her well being. I want her to know that I don't hold a grudge and that the door towards me is still open. I know how stubborn she is and I know that even if she came out of the split, she wouldn't contact me out of pure guilt about what she has done. I want her to know that I'm still here in a relaxed way. Just slightly before the exact date of our anniversary so that she has time to receive it without any pressure and read it. But I'm scared that she'll just throw away the letter as soon as she sees it.

Final paragraph:
I'm so, so sorry about this wall of text again. I tried to put as much context as possible in it. I know it's difficult to gauge a situation when you only get one side, but this is the best I can do. Any questions I can answer so feel free to ask. If you've read all of this, I'm very thankful for you. I desperately need advice and even just opinions or kind words. Thank you again.

[hex_dzh]

Hello everyone. I just found this forum and I'm so very thankful for it. My girlfriend who has BPD discarded me all of a sudden and I really need some help and perspective from others who understand. This is going to be quite long so I apologies about that. Please read it whenever you have time. Also, english isn't my native language so bear with me. TW: some talk about suicidal tendencies (not my own).

Some context about the relationship:

Me (M24) and my girlfriend (F23) met online when I had just moved abroad to Germany with my family at the age of 18. She's from my home country of Bulgaria. We were friends for a bit and on the 31st of March, 2019 we decided to try a long distance relationship. The next ~4 years were the best of my life. Our relationship went smoothly, we met each other every few months. Made so many precious memories I will always cherish. She became the love of my life. We got so attached and co dependent on each other. Other couples were even jealous of how "perfect" everything was. Looking back on this now in tears, it was truly remarkable. She has pretty bad depression and I knew that from the beginning, but neither of us were even aware of what BPD is.

One day, about 2 years ago she mentioned to me on the phone that while we were together, she felt this irrational anger at me which surprised and scared her. She then researched it online and came to the suspicion that she has BPD. I started my research on it too. She was pretty upset by it, crying and telling me that she's scared that I'll leave her  because of it. I don't like self diagnosing, but I didn't go against her opinion. Since that day, things between us slowly started degrading. We hadn't fought even once before it, but slowly we started having arguments. Calm at first, then more serious. More angry. Turned into real fights. Started having them pretty often for no reason at all. 2 years passed since then and it got progressively bad, but despite it we persevered.

I was hellbent on doing my best to support her, but it was starting to wear me down. Due to her depression, her mental health got worse. She became suicidal. Had 2 attempts that I know of, stopped one myself. According to her own words, I'm the only reason she's still here and she's both very thankful and very angry at that, because I'm blocking her from doing it successfully. My own mental health deteriorated, I became paranoid. Going more than 5 hours without contact made me panic that she did something to herself. I felt like I had to be vigilant 24/7, because her family was unsupportive. Things kept getting worse between us. I assume she started resenting me because I was "keeping her" alive. She started withdrawing from me slowly, except when we were together irl. It was all back to normal then. Just last summer, on August, we had a magical vacation. It was again perfect. We even attended a wedding, me as the best man and in our culture - the girlfriend or wife of the best man also plays a huge important role. It went swimmingly. Then I returned back to Germany to continue studying. She studied back in Bulgaria. This would've been our last year before we could move in together. Already had so many plans and wishes, it was exciting.

The problem at hand:
Now that I'm finished with the context (sorry for the wall of text again!), we come to the situation now. Since then she kept withdrawing slowly. We would barely spend time texting or calling, or doing anything much together though there were still such moments. We had a big talk about it, made some promises and I thought things were improving slowly. I had convinced her finally to seek professional help. She was managing her splitting episodes well enough, no big fights. Some stuff happened in my life that made things very tough for me. A family member passed away, another got very sick. I needed her support so much, but she wasn't really there. Not that she didn't want to, she just seemed to not be able to give it which made her angry at herself.

On the 19th of January, 2025 (just 3 days before my birthday) we had a pleasant evening. Had a call and played some games together. Later she went to take a shower and came out of it feeling a bit unwell and lightheaded. We said our goodnights by sending each other short videos. She called me her future husband in one of those then she fell asleep suddenly. On the next day, she was missing for a bit more than 12 hours. I thought she was just sleeping, but the longer she was offline - the more paranoid I got. She didn't return my calls so I decided to text her mother and ask how she is. She has a very strained relationship with her mother, she pretty much hates her but for my own good - we agreed that if I ever feel too panicked and in emergency, I'd be allowed to text/call her mother. I thought it'd be fine, seeing as she even told me to wish her mother a happy bday on call just a week before and that wasn't a problem. Anyway, I did it and her mother told me that she's not at home so she doesn't know what my gf is doing currently. All of a sudden I got an angry message from my girlfriend. She was so angry that I messaged her mother, even though it was supposed to be fine. I tried to calm her down but nothing helped. I realised she just entered a very, very bad split - worse than before. She called and kept yelling at me, something which she had never done before. Then out of nowhere told me she's breaking up with me and blocked me everywhere.

This had happened only once before - just a few monthsd ago - and her sister managed to make her snap out of it. Back then, she unblocked me after an hour, apologised profusely in tears saying that she didn't know why she's doing it to me etc. She agreed not to do it anymore, but here I was blocked again. I gave her time & space, but after a few hours she still hadn't unblocked me. I started worrying a lot, trying to contact her to no avail. One of her 2 best friends then messaged me asking wtf happened. Apparently my girlfriend told her to block me, but she didn't. We talked with her for a bit, she promised to help us. Her other friend also messaged me about it, but she didn't want to help cuz she had a bit of a strained relationship with my girlfriend.

A miserable week passed with no contact. For the first time in ~6 years I "celebrated" my birthday without her. Her first BFF went and met my girlfriend then without any messages proceeded to block me. Then the 2nd friend did it too. Now I had no ways to contact my girlfriend. I decided to send her a small postcard with a few lovely words and her favourite flowers. She received them and that night she unblocked and called me just to yell at me again. I tried to get a reason for this happening, but nothing she said made sense. She rewrote our past, made up stuff, blamed me for things that SHE did to ME and not the other way around. Then left me in tears and blocked me fully again. I had never cried since I was a kid. She always wanted to make me feel comfortable enough for me to let it out and have a cry. Well now I was full on a sobbing mess. I decided to give her more time, hoping the splitting will end - hoping she will change her mind. Booked tickets and a hotel for the 14th of February, for St. Valentines day. The most difficult time of my life was waiting until that day. It finally came and I visited her. She was shocked to see me. I tell you, the person I saw then and there was not the person I was in love with for the past 6 years. She was cold, unapologetic, could not care less about me. She didn't want to reconcile or even talk much. I begged in tears to at least talk for a bit, but she didn't want to. She again reiterated what she had told me on that call. Again nothing made sense, she was straight up making up things right to my face. I was in shock, could NOT believe it. I told her I love her very much and left in tears. Flew back home.

Since then I'm in agony. Not a moment goes by in which I don't miss her. All my thoughts are about her. I go through life like an automaton, not really living just going through the motions. I try to distract myself as best as I can, with friends and family trying to help me. But when everyone is gone and it's night, I'm left alone with my thoughts and I can't stop them from wandering to happy memories of her. Items all around me in my room, that I'm not ready to remove yet, remind me of special moments. The plushie toy she gave to me last time we saw each other. It even has her perfume on it. The hairbands she gifted me to tie my hair and always think of her. The seashells we collected together during sunset at the beach last time. The diary we kept together and now was my turn to have it. I can't even think about it without tearing up, because of what's inside it. Love letters and one page especially, in which she used lipstick to cover it whole in kisses. All of this brought me so much joy, warmth and feelings of love. Now, it's only sharp and unending pain. My heart yearns for her.

Sleep doesn't come easy and when it does, I dream of her. Then I wake up even more miserable. I wish for her to call me, reconcile and start healing together again. Like we always did. I wish it got at least a tiny bit easier with each day. But the pain is so consistent and feels so fresh. Six years man. Six years thinking I will grow old with this girl. Six years thinking we will forever be each others. Six damn years worth of memories, moments, plans and wishes we shared. An imagined future together that felt so close to happening. Just gone overnight. This is so incredibly cruel. I gave her so much of myself. I literally kept her alive by ruining myself. How can it not matter at all?

It's so much more than losing a girlfriend. A part of me is gone and even the most distant friends I have are noticing it, even though I'd like to think I'm pretty good at covering up how depressed I am. This is hell and I don't know what I did to deserve it.

Our 6th anniversary is approaching, it's on the 31st of March. I am thinking of sending her a handrwitten, heartfelt letter. Nothing that puts pressure on her, just reiterating my love for her and how much I care and worry about her well being. I want her to know that I don't hold a grudge and that the door towards me is still open. I know how stubborn she is and I know that even if she came out of the split, she wouldn't contact me out of pure guilt about what she has done. I want her to know that I'm still here in a relaxed way. Just slightly before the exact date of our anniversary so that she has time to receive it without any pressure and read it. But I'm scared that she'll just throw away the letter as soon as she sees it.

Final paragraph:
I'm so, so sorry about this wall of text again. I tried to put as much context as possible in it. I know it's difficult to gauge a situation when you only get one side, but this is the best I can do. Any questions I can answer so feel free to ask. If you've read all of this, I'm very thankful for you. I desperately need advice and even just opinions or kind words. Thank you again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hex_dzh]

Just now I wanted to check the fitness plan I made a while ago. To start going to the gym again. I went to my notes app and what do I see? A hidden message from her, from when we were together during the summer. I must've been taking a bath while she wrote it in secret. She liked doing small silly stuff like that. I only now discovered it. What does it say? Well:

"From your love

I love you<333 22:36/ 10.08.24"

The moment I read this, I broke down again. It hurts so much.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and my marriage ended almost exactly the same way.  The re-writing of history, the sudden coldness and ugliness, the abrupt ending out of nowhere.  In my case, she met another man that she became obsessed with.

There are no easy answers here, but I'll start by saying your girlfriend is much sicker than you realize.  It does sound like BPD since there are consistent patterns there, but the official diagnosis isn't critical to moving forward.  What you might not have noticed is the same patterns are there with her mother, her family.  So this isn't a one-time event, it's been happening for awhile now.

I remember the first few weeks after our separation, I was devastated.  Like you, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.  This will pass in time, and you have to make self care a priority.  You mentioned the gym, get serious about it and work out daily.  Spend more time out of the house with friends and family.  Pick up old hobbies again or find new ones.  You must move on with your life since that's what allows you to heal from this. 

Right now, you're traumatized and second guessing a lot.  I understand and remember those feelings.  Counseling is a huge help and I hope you'll consider it for your own mental health.  Talking to someone doesn't mean you're "crazy", it means that you're dealing with something that you don't know how to deal with.  It's a smart, healthy choice that none of us want to admit we need at times.  So please consider it.

Now about your relationship.  You only have control over your life, so the initial goal is to get you as mentally stable as possible.  Maybe she circles back to you, maybe not, but you'll have to have a clear mind to navigate this type of relationship.  Begging her to forgive you and come back only pushes her away, so you can't be that guy in a BPD relationship.  It backfires bigtime.

Your breakup was over mental illness problems that caused her to run.  In her mind, she felt betrayed by you calling mom (which she told you to do) and she was probably doing something that she was hiding from mom.  Something that she didn't want either one of you to know about.  And it caused her to spiral.

This is not your fault, so please try to stop punishing yourself.  The problem here is mental illness, so it's not entirely her fault either.  Only time will tell if she'll reach out, but the best you can do today is focus on your own mental health and start healing from this experience.

I hope that helps and please continue to share.

[hex_dzh]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and my marriage ended almost exactly the same way.  The re-writing of history, the sudden coldness and ugliness, the abrupt ending out of nowhere.  In my case, she met another man that she became obsessed with.

There are no easy answers here, but I'll start by saying your girlfriend is much sicker than you realize.  It does sound like BPD since there are consistent patterns there, but the official diagnosis isn't critical to moving forward.  What you might not have noticed is the same patterns are there with her mother, her family.  So this isn't a one-time event, it's been happening for awhile now.

I remember the first few weeks after our separation, I was devastated.  Like you, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.  This will pass in time, and you have to make self care a priority.  You mentioned the gym, get serious about it and work out daily.  Spend more time out of the house with friends and family.  Pick up old hobbies again or find new ones.  You must move on with your life since that's what allows you to heal from this. 

Right now, you're traumatized and second guessing a lot.  I understand and remember those feelings.  Counseling is a huge help and I hope you'll consider it for your own mental health.  Talking to someone doesn't mean you're "crazy", it means that you're dealing with something that you don't know how to deal with.  It's a smart, healthy choice that none of us want to admit we need at times.  So please consider it.

Now about your relationship.  You only have control over your life, so the initial goal is to get you as mentally stable as possible.  Maybe she circles back to you, maybe not, but you'll have to have a clear mind to navigate this type of relationship.  Begging her to forgive you and come back only pushes her away, so you can't be that guy in a BPD relationship.  It backfires bigtime.

Your breakup was over mental illness problems that caused her to run.  In her mind, she felt betrayed by you calling mom (which she told you to do) and she was probably doing something that she was hiding from mom.  Something that she didn't want either one of you to know about.  And it caused her to spiral.

This is not your fault, so please try to stop punishing yourself.  The problem here is mental illness, so it's not entirely her fault either.  Only time will tell if she'll reach out, but the best you can do today is focus on your own mental health and start healing from this experience.

I hope that helps and please continue to share.

First off, thank you very much for taking your time to read my wall of text and replying. It helps so much to get a different perspective than my own, from someone who gets it. People in real life are trying to help me as well and I'm so glad that they do it, but I think only someone who has gone through it truly understands.

Yes, I will be working on myself. I don't think I've got much of a choice, I think I'll really fall apart if I don't. As a bonus it will distract me also. Thank you for the encouraging words. I would love to seek some kind of professional help/therapy, but unfortunately the wait times are too long here and I'm too much of a broke student to afford a private therapist. I will definitely look into it though, I know for sure that I've developed mental problems of my own.

You're right that it isn't a one off event, she has split on me before too. Never this bad though. And we could always reconcile, talk about it, heal and move on. I can't even begin to guess what triggered this. I don't know what secret thing she could've been doing to spiral so hard. Can deep guilt cause a split like this?

Also, what do you think about the letter I want to send her? Not begging or anything like that. Would it just straight up be a bad idea? One would think a whole ~2 months of no contact would be enough to cool off right? If it is "just" a split.

[Pook075]

First off, thank you very much for taking your time to read my wall of text and replying. It helps so much to get a different perspective than my own, from someone who gets it. People in real life are trying to help me as well and I'm so glad that they do it, but I think only someone who has gone through it truly understands.

I completely understand.  You should be talking to friends/family about life- college, the weather, sports, politics, whatever.  But asking them about a BPD relationship is like asking a bear about surfing...it won't go well.  They can't possibly understand or give appropriate advice.

And don't worry about long posts, we all did that when we came here initially.  Post as much or as little as you want; it's therapeutic to write things out and people here completely understand.  Even if your post is just a vent-session, it's perfectly okay.

Yes, I will be working on myself. I don't think I've got much of a choice, I think I'll really fall apart if I don't. As a bonus it will distract me also. Thank you for the encouraging words. I would love to seek some kind of professional help/therapy, but unfortunately the wait times are too long here and I'm too much of a broke student to afford a private therapist. I will definitely look into it though, I know for sure that I've developed mental problems of my own.

There's been studies to show that physical health boosts mental health, our bodies release chemicals after a workout that make us feel better.  So it's actually science!

If a private therapist isn't an option, look into what your college provides in terms of free therapy...there's probably options.  Support groups are also a great starting point, and I'll try to find some links for you (to NAMI, etc).

You're right that it isn't a one off event, she has split on me before too. Never this bad though. And we could always reconcile, talk about it, heal and move on. I can't even begin to guess what triggered this. I don't know what secret thing she could've been doing to spiral so hard. Can deep guilt cause a split like this?

Deep guilt can absolutely cause a split like this.  That's a big part of BPD, low self worth and guilt over not being enough in life.  Sometimes, it's easier for them to run away than it is to have a conversation admitting a mistake.

Also, what do you think about the letter I want to send her? Not begging or anything like that. Would it just straight up be a bad idea? One would think a whole ~2 months of no contact would be enough to cool off right? If it is "just" a split.

I'm so sorry, I meant to tell you that the letter is a great idea...but you have to be very careful that it's validating to what she feels.  That's something we can work on in this thread together with the community.

[hex_dzh]

Deep guilt can absolutely cause a split like this.  That's a big part of BPD, low self worth and guilt over not being enough in life.  Sometimes, it's easier for them to run away than it is to have a conversation admitting a mistake.

I am a bit worried by this. I can't really think of something so bad that it would cause her to discard me like this, considering how obsessively in love she was with me. I'm familiar with how guilt works with her and she has told me before that she's exhausted from feeling so guilty all the time about the struggles we've had "because of her" (her own words). Almost always I've tried to alleviate some of her guilt, but yeah sometimes it's just impossible. I never wanted her to feel that way though. I was ready to work through almost everything.

She has never given me a reason to doubt her loyalty, but it's the one thing she knows is a complete deal breaker for me and I wouldn't have 2nd thoughts about instantly leaving if such a thing were to happen. But now ever since she broke up with me and the stuff I've read online - about people with BPD who tend to search for a replacement rather quickly - it has made my thoughts wander in that direction which I really hate. She's a very jealous type and I can be too, so we had set some important ground rules all the way back when the relationship started and none of us broke those rules since then. This is a bit private, but I'm desperate for help and understanding so I'll share it. One of the reasons she hated her mother was related to cheating, so she was very vehemently against that.

About a year ago, she started playing an online game called League of Legends. It's a very competitive game and it can be pretty damn toxic, so teamwork is very important in it. Speaking with your team and finding people to play consistently with etc. She got a bit obsessed with this game, because it gave her a safe space - something to escape to. It got out of hand when she started to unintentionally spend less time with me and more on the game. We fought pretty often about it and had big talks, it somewhat improved but it fluctuated. Was planning on talking about it irl when we're together because it'd be a ton easier. Anyway, it's a pretty male dominated game so I had to overlook that it'd be breaking one of our ground rules. She got a bit close to 1 guy in particular in a group she played with and befriended him, which again was against our mutually agreed to rules, but I wasn't against it since it's so difficult to find female gamers there. She did ask me if she could add him on discord or instagram, which I was very against. A few arguments happened about it, but she admitted that she would've done the same in my place and agreed to keep it only in game. I could see it frustrated her a bit, but I didn't think much of it. Could it be that she got attached to this person without me knowing and discarded me out of guilt? I don't really like this thought, it's too paranoid but I don't know.

I'm so sorry, I meant to tell you that the letter is a great idea...but you have to be very careful that it's validating to what she feels.  That's something we can work on in this thread together with the community.

No worries. That sounds good! I would really appreciate help with writing it, I think I handled my 2 past tries too emotionally so I want to give it one last, good shot just before our anniversary.

[Pook075]

Could it be that she got attached to this person without me knowing and discarded me out of guilt? I don't really like this thought, it's too paranoid but I don't know.

Thanks for giving more context- I played League of Legends many years ago with my kids and understand the competitive side.  While I enjoyed it, those games are almost like drugs because they draw you in and let you completely escape reality.

Could it be possible she's pursuing that guy?  Sure, it fits the typical BPD journey many people see here.  But that doesn't mean that's what happened either...every case is unique and it's dangerous to guess on things like that.

Do you have any connections still in her world?  Could you ask her mom for clarity?  I know that will anger her and that's how this whole thing started, but you do deserve some closure and it rarely comes from the BPD person without really reading between the lines.

[hex_dzh]

Could it be possible she's pursuing that guy?  Sure, it fits the typical BPD journey many people see here.  But that doesn't mean that's what happened either...every case is unique and it's dangerous to guess on things like that.

I've no clue really. She didn't act like she was hiding anything. Only spent ungodly amount of hours on the game. When we were together, she never really hid her phone either. We were both ok with handling each other's phones. There was no suspicious behaviour. If this break up hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been having these thoughts. You never know though, especially in a long distance relationship. Takes a lot of honesty, transparency and trust to keep it going for ~6 years. But it is making me very paranoid, because it comes up often in posts I read online about BPD break ups. Also I forgot to mention, I did ask her on St. Valentine's day if there was someone else. She said no, but my mind was wrecked so I couldn't gauge how truthful she was being.

Do you have any connections still in her world?  Could you ask her mom for clarity?  I know that will anger her and that's how this whole thing started, but you do deserve some closure and it rarely comes from the BPD person without really reading between the lines.

Unfortunately no. I wish I did, because I'm worried sick about her well being and her suicidal tendencies. I'm no longer there to be 24/7 vigilant and according to her own words, I was the only reason for her still being here. Only her sister hasn't blocked me, but I don't want to message her because that would for sure bring up a sh*tstorm. Actually one of the nonsensical reasons was that I "contacted" her 2 bffs ... even though I did no such thing and they contacted me, worried about her. I think my only chance is a well crafted handwritten letter.

[Pook075]

I've no clue really. She didn't act like she was hiding anything. Only spent ungodly amount of hours on the game. When we were together, she never really hid her phone either. We were both ok with handling each other's phones. There was no suspicious behaviour. If this break up hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been having these thoughts. You never know though, especially in a long distance relationship. Takes a lot of honesty, transparency and trust to keep it going for ~6 years. But it is making me very paranoid, because it comes up often in posts I read online about BPD break ups. Also I forgot to mention, I did ask her on St. Valentine's day if there was someone else. She said no, but my mind was wrecked so I couldn't gauge how truthful she was being.

With BPD, there's usually a favorite person (or people) who are always held in the highest regard, even when some of their actions may seem questionable to outsiders.  BPD's often see in black and white...this is good, that's bad...and they build such strong beliefs that they begin to see something (or someone) as all good or all bad.  And this can fluctuate frequently.

If you remember your girlfriend saying, "You always do this..." or "You never do that...", it's a good example of black and white thinking.  Even when it's easily disprovable, they stick to their guns because they believe it's true.

Right now, you're painted black for whatever reason...and you were a central part of her life.  We have no idea if she sought another relationship or not, but she probably did "paint someone white" as your replacement.  This could be a friend, a relative, a neighbor.  So it's false that all BPDs cheat immediately.  It could be the game itself that filled that void and not an actual person.

So don't go down that rabbit hole too much since we just don't know.  If she said she didn't cheat, then maybe she didn't.

Unfortunately no. I wish I did, because I'm worried sick about her well being and her suicidal tendencies. I'm no longer there to be 24/7 vigilant and according to her own words, I was the only reason for her still being here. Only her sister hasn't blocked me, but I don't want to message her because that would for sure bring up a sh*tstorm. Actually one of the nonsensical reasons was that I "contacted" her 2 bffs ... even though I did no such thing and they contacted me, worried about her. I think my only chance is a well crafted handwritten letter.

This is being dysregulated and not realizing that 2 + 2 = 4.  When a BPD fears abandonment, they can make illogical assumptions that lead to incorrect conclusions.  Maybe she thought you were bad-mouthing her to the BFFs, or sharing too much of her personal business.  Maybe she told them something else and was caught in a lie.  Again, there's no telling and it's not a good idea to guess.  Whatever happened though, it made her worry and sent her spiraling.

I do agree that the letter would probably be the best bet.  Here are a few pointers to get you started:

1) Don't blame her since the guilt will only make her withdraw even further.

2) Don't try to explain what happened or get her to see your point of view.  She'll be emotional reading the letter and won't see it logically.

3) Do ask about how she's doing and show that you genuinely care

4) Do tell her how you've been doing and how much you miss her

5) Do apologize for anything you might have done that hurt her and let her know that it was never your intention.  However, going back to points 1 and 2, don't focus on specific things that were points of contention.  For instance, don't apologize for talking to her BFF's...that will just make her think about why she was upset in the first place.  You're apologizing for hurting her feelings, not validating the other stuff she might accuse you of.

I didn't tell you earlier, but I have a BPD ex wife and a BPD young adult daughter with the ex.  When the kid gets upset, I focus only on her feelings....if she's sad, I cheer her up.  If she's angry, I calm her down.  If she's scared, I make her feel safe.  Because for BPDs, the feelings are always more important than the "facts". 

And if dad is always safe, always helps her get her emotions under control, then dad is always painted white.  It only took me about 15 years to figure that out the hard way.  I've done the same thing with my ex as well and we have normal conversations now.

So you want to do the same thing, focus on your feelings, what you're doing in life now, and then apologize for anything that hurt her feelings.  Since you don't know specifics, we're not going to guess...but you know she was hurt and chose to leave.  A good apology would be not realizing that she was struggling because you wanted to be there for her....something along those lines.

I hope that helps!

[hex_dzh]

Thank you again for replying.

With BPD, there's usually a favorite person (or people) who are always held in the highest regard, even when some of their actions may seem questionable to outsiders.  BPD's often see in black and white...this is good, that's bad...and they build such strong beliefs that they begin to see something (or someone) as all good or all bad.  And this can fluctuate frequently.

If you remember your girlfriend saying, "You always do this..." or "You never do that...", it's a good example of black and white thinking.  Even when it's easily disprovable, they stick to their guns because they believe it's true.

Honestly man, It's kinda scary how accurate the things you're saying are. That's the exact wording she used when she was giving me the "reasons" for this breakup. "You never did anything for me" "You always stopped me from evolving as a person" etc. And I foolishly tried to reason with each statement, give her proof that it's not so etc. Now I realise it was a mistake and I should've handled it differently. That sucks.

I do agree that the letter would probably be the best bet.  Here are a few pointers to get you started:

1) Don't blame her since the guilt will only make her withdraw even further.

2) Don't try to explain what happened or get her to see your point of view.  She'll be emotional reading the letter and won't see it logically.

3) Do ask about how she's doing and show that you genuinely care

4) Do tell her how you've been doing and how much you miss her

5) Do apologize for anything you might have done that hurt her and let her know that it was never your intention.  However, going back to points 1 and 2, don't focus on specific things that were points of contention.  For instance, don't apologize for talking to her BFF's...that will just make her think about why she was upset in the first place.  You're apologizing for hurting her feelings, not validating the other stuff she might accuse you of.

That is what I should have done when I visited her, but I was too emotional and shocked to think straight. Unfortunate. Thank you for the tips, I will make sure to be very careful. I really don't want to put pressure on her, just reassure her and let her know I'm still here for her. And again you're spot on about the guilt. I've seen how guilt affects her before and I know that she had been feeling very guilty about the state of our relationship due to her BPD. I always tried to alleviate this feeling she had, but it wasn't possible every time. For all I know, she could very well be out of the splitting episode now and be so overwhelmed by guilt, that she'd decide to punish herself by not contacting me and doubling down on the break up. I can easily imagine this happening, considering how often she'd tell me that "she doesn't deserve me".

I didn't tell you earlier, but I have a BPD ex wife and a BPD young adult daughter with the ex.  When the kid gets upset, I focus only on her feelings....if she's sad, I cheer her up.  If she's angry, I calm her down.  If she's scared, I make her feel safe.  Because for BPDs, the feelings are always more important than the "facts". 

And if dad is always safe, always helps her get her emotions under control, then dad is always painted white.  It only took me about 15 years to figure that out the hard way.  I've done the same thing with my ex as well and we have normal conversations now.

So you want to do the same thing, focus on your feelings, what you're doing in life now, and then apologize for anything that hurt her feelings.  Since you don't know specifics, we're not going to guess...but you know she was hurt and chose to leave.  A good apology would be not realizing that she was struggling because you wanted to be there for her....something along those lines.

I hope that helps!

Even before you told me this, I could feel that you had a lot of experience. Fifteen years - I can't imagine how tough it must've been. I'm glad it's better now. Thank you so much again for all the advice and kind words. I really hope I can change her mind. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help her and keep us together. I feel like I understand BPD better thanks to you.

By the way, would bringing up past happy memories in the letter help or should I avoid things like that?

[Pook075]

By the way, would bringing up past happy memories in the letter help or should I avoid things like that?

I wouldn't go overboard, but maybe one or two great memories would work.  Just tell it from your viewpoint and zoom in on the emotion.  Example- "That time we were at the lake, I remember thinking this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Then you said this and I said that, and I felt...."

Focusing on your feelings is the language she understands and relates to.

Honestly man, It's kinda scary how accurate the things you're saying are. That's the exact wording she used when she was giving me the "reasons" for this breakup. "You never did anything for me" "You always stopped me from evolving as a person" etc. And I foolishly tried to reason with each statement, give her proof that it's not so etc. Now I realise it was a mistake and I should've handled it differently. That sucks.

First off, how could you possibly know?  Give yourself some grace because every single one of us are here because we got it wrong.  That's called being human.  The difference between us and someone with BPD is that we can forgive and forget a whole lot easier.

There's nothing I wouldn't do to help her and keep us together. I feel like I understand BPD better thanks to you.

For most of my kid's life, I thought she was a monster because....well, she was a monster.  But then I saw the relationships she had with friends and some family members, she'd risk her own life just to get to them in a moment of trouble.  And i was perplexed- why the double standard?  Why would she forgive her loser friends 500 times but not cut her dad an inch of slack?

It finally clicked though, she was sick and BPDs lash out the hardest at those they're closest to when they feel neglected.  And it really came down to just being kind and compassionate, paying closer attention to her mood swings and understanding that it wasn't about me, even when she was screaming at me and blaming me for everything. 

It was all just drama because her world was falling apart in a panic attack and she just needed someone to calm her down.

That's why I've said, focus on the emotions.  The words are often lies to protect a BPD from talking about what actually matters.  Their emotions give them away though- sad, scared, outraged, etc.  The emotion dictates how to react to soothe them out of the moment.  Even though their accusations might be 100% BS, the feelings attached to them are 100% real and they're actually suffering.

Once all of this finally "clicked" for me, I stopped having BPD problems other than an occasional outburst that was gone as quick as it started.  Because it finally made sense- if you see anger, help them calm down.  Sadness, show compassion and cheer them up.  It's stupid simple if you can avoid being drawn into the drama by arguing.

I'm very glad this has been helpful, and I look forward to seeing your letter.  Really hoping we can let you put some of this into practice.

[hex_dzh]

I wouldn't go overboard, but maybe one or two great memories would work.  Just tell it from your viewpoint and zoom in on the emotion.  Example- "That time we were at the lake, I remember thinking this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Then you said this and I said that, and I felt...."

Yep, there are a few special moments which I want to mention. I'm just unsure. It's so weird. If I was going to write her a letter just a month ago - I'd be so sure in my thoughts and reasoning, but now it's like I'm dealing with a whole new person so I'm second guessing almost everything. It feels bad that I have to ask you things like "would mentioning X be a bad thing" as if she's a stranger to me. I'm also unsure about how frank I should be in telling her about my feelings. I don't want to make her feel guilty by talking too much about the pain I feel from this break up. I'll have to plan the letter very carefully.

Focusing on your feelings is the language she understands and relates to.

First off, how could you possibly know?  Give yourself some grace because every single one of us are here because we got it wrong.  That's called being human.  The difference between us and someone with BPD is that we can forgive and forget a whole lot easier.

For most of my kid's life, I thought she was a monster because....well, she was a monster.  But then I saw the relationships she had with friends and some family members, she'd risk her own life just to get to them in a moment of trouble.  And i was perplexed- why the double standard?  Why would she forgive her loser friends 500 times but not cut her dad an inch of slack?

It finally clicked though, she was sick and BPDs lash out the hardest at those they're closest to when they feel neglected.  And it really came down to just being kind and compassionate, paying closer attention to her mood swings and understanding that it wasn't about me, even when she was screaming at me and blaming me for everything. 

It was all just drama because her world was falling apart in a panic attack and she just needed someone to calm her down.

That's why I've said, focus on the emotions.  The words are often lies to protect a BPD from talking about what actually matters.  Their emotions give them away though- sad, scared, outraged, etc.  The emotion dictates how to react to soothe them out of the moment.  Even though their accusations might be 100% BS, the feelings attached to them are 100% real and they're actually suffering.

Once all of this finally "clicked" for me, I stopped having BPD problems other than an occasional outburst that was gone as quick as it started.  Because it finally made sense- if you see anger, help them calm down.  Sadness, show compassion and cheer them up.  It's stupid simple if you can avoid being drawn into the drama by arguing.

I just wish I had done this before, when I had better chances. For example when I went to visit her. But oh well, I can't change the past. Now that I'm more aware of what works with BPD thanks to you, maybe I'll do the right things and change her mind. Also, again it's so weird how accurate you are about my experiences with her. I've also wondered many times why she's such an angel towards her 2 best friends, but towards me she can be so cruel and monstrous. It's also relieving to know that I'm not alone and that many people have had these same issues.

I'm very glad this has been helpful, and I look forward to seeing your letter.  Really hoping we can let you put some of this into practice.

Would it be ok if I posted the letter here when it's done? Just to be safe, I really don't wanna mess it up. I'd have to translate it into english so some things might sound off, but still I'd love to hear your opinion on it.

Also, from what I've told so far - what do you think are the chances of us coming back together? You can be honest, I'm not trying to lie to myself and give myself false hope. I know it's probably very unlikely, but I'd appreciate to hear your thoughts about this since you have so much experience.

[Pook075]

Would it be ok if I posted the letter here when it's done? Just to be safe, I really don't wanna mess it up. I'd have to translate it into english so some things might sound off, but still I'd love to hear your opinion on it.

Absolutely, it's a great exercise to work through what you're feeling and doing it here means it can help someone a few months or a few years from now in the same position.  We can also get some of the other members to help so we have different opinions and ideas.

Also, from what I've told so far - what do you think are the chances of us coming back together? You can be honest, I'm not trying to lie to myself and give myself false hope. I know it's probably very unlikely, but I'd appreciate to hear your thoughts about this since you have so much experience.

That's the million dollar question that everyone asks and it's the toughest one to answer accurately since every situation is different.

In general, BPDs will recycle relationships many times due to the fact that it's what they've done their entire lives.  This happens with parents, siblings, etc. because they don't understand the behavior either, and it's very common with relationships. 

It doesn't happen 100% of the time; for example, my ex wife never tried to come back after we separated, but she also married the guy she left me for.  My situation was very unique though because her favorite person was the guy's disabled son that she cared for as her job. So through marriage, she actually became mom. I honestly think that's more why she left in the first place; it was more about the handicapped person than the dad at first.

The vast majority of the time though, those rebound relationships don't last and the BPD will try to loop back to the ex and work things out.

Now, your ex said she's not dating anyone and that may be true.  Maybe video games and close friends are more than enough for now.  The same thing sort of applies though when she has conflict with the new favorite person, she'll look to her past to run from it. So there's some chance she reaches out to you when things turn south.

With you pursuing her, doing it the wrong way (how you'd normally win a girl back) will confirm every bad thing she's ever thought and completely kill your chances.  We went over that though, you can't "blame her", you can't re-hash the past, you can't demand answers or major changes.

Pursuing her the right way (genuine concern, empathy and compassion, not stepping into arguments) gives you a much better chance of actually reconnecting.  If you can re-establish a friendship and build trust, things can turn quickly.  Because trust is the entire goal here- she trusted you until she didn't.  It can take time or it could go quickly, it really comes down to having a conversation and breaking the ice. 

Again, every situation is different and depends on the outside factors in her life.

I'd be scared to give you a percentage because I'd be guessing off of what I've seen here over the past few years.  I'd say over half got a 2nd chance at relationships though; some worked and some didn't.  But I feel confident that you could at least have a few conversations in time.

[hex_dzh]

Absolutely, it's a great exercise to work through what you're feeling and doing it here means it can help someone a few months or a few years from now in the same position.  We can also get some of the other members to help so we have different opinions and ideas.

I'd be so thankful for that, especially if others chimed in as well but my story is so long, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read it. I'll carefully write in the next few days and we'll see what I'll come up with.

That's the million dollar question that everyone asks and it's the toughest one to answer accurately since every situation is different.

In general, BPDs will recycle relationships many times due to the fact that it's what they've done their entire lives.  This happens with parents, siblings, etc. because they don't understand the behavior either, and it's very common with relationships. 

It doesn't happen 100% of the time; for example, my ex wife never tried to come back after we separated, but she also married the guy she left me for.  My situation was very unique though because her favorite person was the guy's disabled son that she cared for as her job. So through marriage, she actually became mom. I honestly think that's more why she left in the first place; it was more about the handicapped person than the dad at first.

The vast majority of the time though, those rebound relationships don't last and the BPD will try to loop back to the ex and work things out.

Now, your ex said she's not dating anyone and that may be true.  Maybe video games and close friends are more than enough for now.  The same thing sort of applies though when she has conflict with the new favorite person, she'll look to her past to run from it. So there's some chance she reaches out to you when things turn south.

I'm really nervous that she'll immediately look for someone new, I really hope she doesn't. We've been each others firsts in just about everything. That would completely break the magic for me. It's an absolute dealbreaker.

With you pursuing her, doing it the wrong way (how you'd normally win a girl back) will confirm every bad thing she's ever thought and completely kill your chances.  We went over that though, you can't "blame her", you can't re-hash the past, you can't demand answers or major changes.

Pursuing her the right way (genuine concern, empathy and compassion, not stepping into arguments) gives you a much better chance of actually reconnecting.  If you can re-establish a friendship and build trust, things can turn quickly.  Because trust is the entire goal here- she trusted you until she didn't.  It can take time or it could go quickly, it really comes down to having a conversation and breaking the ice.

Again, every situation is different and depends on the outside factors in her life.

I'd be scared to give you a percentage because I'd be guessing off of what I've seen here over the past few years.  I'd say over half got a 2nd chance at relationships though; some worked and some didn't.  But I feel confident that you could at least have a few conversations in time.

I wish she hadn't blocked me. I don't know if she'd even look at a letter sent from me. I keep flip flopping between being slightly more hopeful and being completely pessimistic and hopeless. I think to myself, surely 6 years worth of special memories, obsessive love, wishes and plans for the future can't just disappear without a mark - there must be something left in her that cares about me. She could barely function without me. But other days I remember how cold and uncaring she was at the end and it gets me depressed. I really, really hope she would at the very least unblock me and keep some contact so that I know she's physically ok. I'm so scared that she'll do something stupid to herself.

Sorry if I'm being pushy - I'll understand if you want to avoid giving a percentage, but I'd still like to hear an approximate % guesstimate from you about how likely it is for her to at least come back in contact with me. My mind is going crazy flip flopping between the 2 states I mentioned earlier. It feels like the more opinions I hear - the more it can calm down.

[Pook075]

Sorry if I'm being pushy - I'll understand if you want to avoid giving a percentage, but I'd still like to hear an approximate % guesstimate from you about how likely it is for her to at least come back in contact with me.

Reconnecting after the discard phase is common, so your chances are over 50%.  Again though, every situation is different and you've been broken up for a little over a month.  Give this some time.

[hex_dzh]

Reconnecting after the discard phase is common, so your chances are over 50%.  Again though, every situation is different and you've been broken up for a little over a month.  Give this some time.

It both feels like too long, dangerously long - enough for her to find someone new, but also it feels painfully fresh. Maybe because it's also my first real break up so it's even more intense. It's so exhausting to feel like this all the time, I just wish my mind could settle for a bit at least. Thanks again for everything. I'll keep trying to work on myself and write the letter.

[CanBuild91]

Hi Hex-dzh, I relate so much to everything here: 

The slow build through a long distance relationship and being each other’s first, more or less.

The codependency.

Saving and helping her so many times (though not her life in as literal a way as you).

Going through arguments that logic couldn’t win and having things held against me while everybody else in her life got a pass.

The short blocking during an early breakup followed by a serious blocking in our final (?) breakup that continues to this day. 

The nonstop rumination, wondering about her, concern about her.

Getting in serious trouble for reaching out to somebody on her behalf at one point, which I thought was the right thing to do.

Not being able to throw away the keepsakes from her. Including something with her scent on it though that has long since faded.

I relate to so much in your story, though for me it’s been 2.5 years since our breakup. I hope you move on faster than I have although I wouldn’t judge you if you’re still here in a couple of years because wow these relationships leave a mark.

It’s not true that all pwBPD move on quickly because my ex doesn’t appear to have dated at all in these 2.5 years. She seems to have thrown herself deeper into animal rescue, a good cause but in other ways a distraction much as League of Legends might be for your ex. It’s a double edged sword. It would be such a gut punch to see my ex with somebody else but also it would force me to move on myself and give up hope that any given morning I could wake up to a text from my ex. Seeing that my ex doesn’t seem to have “moved on” keeps me in a limbo, though many would say it’s self imposed at this point.

I agree that a letter showing concern for your ex isn’t a bad move. I’ve sent a letter or two like that and it didn’t get a response, but I also spent the first several months of the breakup doing all the things you’re not supposed to do: begging, arguing my side of things, pointing out all of the things she did wrong hoping that she could see her own mistakes and own her own part of the dysfunction. My last communications have been along the lines of what you’re going to write, but I did a lot of damage before that.

Like with your ex, mine shared feelings of inadequacy, saying things about how she was “no good” for me. And while she completely rewrote history and turned me into the biggest villain of all time, I do wonder if the anger has subsided a bit and now it’s shame that’s holding her back from making contact. But I’ll never know her state of mind as long as I am completely shut out of her life. I hope we both speak to our exes again, and both get another shot at our relationships. Speaking personally, I believe that having spent so much time on this forum over the last couple of years and reading books such as “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” navigating a BPD relationship would be more doable…if the chance is given.

[once removed]

in reading your story, there isnt a clear and obvious spark that exploded into a breakup - thats not unusual, lots of breakups are a slow boil - but you have some clues.

1.

she's exhausted from feeling so guilty all the time about the struggles we've had

what were these struggles? how did they play out? how often? were they resolved, and if so, how?

2. she was very upset that you contacted her mother - probably not the reason you broke up, but if there was trouble brewing, it could have been a catalyst.

3. arguments about boundaries with the opposite sex - it sounds like there was tension there and that the two of you werent on the same page.

4. she threw the kitchen sink at you when you broke up - blamed you for everything. what that tells you, more than anything specific, is that she was carrying long standing and simmering resentment. thats important to understand: this didnt happen out of nowhere. it is probably the most challenging thing to sort through, both because it doesnt match with your own experience, and because it is likely distorted - often times, that anger that has been building toward a breakup softens over time, and perspective changes. it is also even harder to try to see things through an ex's eyes in the immediate aftermath, when we are struggling with our own hurt feelings and broken heart - it took me a long time to understand my exes perspective - but to the extent you are able to examine this from a more detached perspective (like an outsider with a 30000 ft view of the relationship), the clearer things will become.

i bring these things up because if theres any hope of reconciling a relationship, one has to understand the reasons that the relationship died in the first place, what its going to take to change those things, and whether its possible.

i suspect if you dig deep, the signs that your relationship was frayed/fraying were present.

what can you do now?

it is difficult to reconcile a relationship with someone who has you blocked. by definition, its a sign that they are closed off to the idea of communication.

a letter is one idea. i think that it carries a low success rate, and you need to be prepared that it may be ignored, or that you will receive backlash. if the goal is essentially to give things "one last chance", and then grieve the relationship if it doesnt work, thats something you can do.

i would not make it "a letter". i would first determine whether my goal was to ask her to talk, or whether my goal was to basically say "im here if you ever want to talk". both carry a low success rate, but the latter is lower pressure, and could potentially thaw some ice.

id keep it short. i wouldnt include any gifts or anything of that sort. my goal would be to remind her the door is open (she already knows this), and hopefully soften her heart to the idea of talking in the future, when shes ready. i would not expect to "break through to her".

I would love to seek some kind of professional help/therapy, but unfortunately the wait times are too long here and I'm too much of a broke student to afford a private therapist. I will definitely look into it though, I know for sure that I've developed mental problems of my own.

80% of us arrive here clinically depressed. if youre waiting on therapy, it would be a good idea to schedule a depression/anxiety meds assessment with your primary doctor. there are also lots of supplements that can help with depression, and studies show them to be as effective or more - SAM-E was a godsend for me in the early days of my breakup. id highly recommend it. it improved my mood and drastically cut down on my ruminating. also, dont underestimate how important a good nights sleep is. depression is an awful loop that will do things like interrupt your sleep, reduce your appetite, etc, and those things will in turn make depression worse. i started taking melatonin after my breakup, and it would help shut my thoughts down and get my body ready to turn off for sleep. when i saw my doctor, my sleep was the primary thing my doctor was concerned about - its a big deal.

i mention this because coping with what youre going through is hard enough, but also because if she decided to reach out tomorrow, youd be in a very anxious place. make mental health a priority, lean on your support system (here and elsewhere) and it will make your path clearer.

PS. i wouldnt pay much attention to what you read on the internet about BPD. most of it is, frankly, junk. the far more important parts of this equation are you, her, and the unique relationship the two of you had/have now.

[hex_dzh]

Hi Hex-dzh, I relate so much to everything here: 

The slow build through a long distance relationship and being each other’s first, more or less.

The codependency.

Saving and helping her so many times (though not her life in as literal a way as you).

Going through arguments that logic couldn’t win and having things held against me while everybody else in her life got a pass.

The short blocking during an early breakup followed by a serious blocking in our final (?) breakup that continues to this day. 

The nonstop rumination, wondering about her, concern about her.

Getting in serious trouble for reaching out to somebody on her behalf at one point, which I thought was the right thing to do.

Not being able to throw away the keepsakes from her. Including something with her scent on it though that has long since faded.

I relate to so much in your story, though for me it’s been 2.5 years since our breakup. I hope you move on faster than I have although I wouldn’t judge you if you’re still here in a couple of years because wow these relationships leave a mark.

It’s not true that all pwBPD move on quickly because my ex doesn’t appear to have dated at all in these 2.5 years. She seems to have thrown herself deeper into animal rescue, a good cause but in other ways a distraction much as League of Legends might be for your ex. It’s a double edged sword. It would be such a gut punch to see my ex with somebody else but also it would force me to move on myself and give up hope that any given morning I could wake up to a text from my ex. Seeing that my ex doesn’t seem to have “moved on” keeps me in a limbo, though many would say it’s self imposed at this point.

I agree that a letter showing concern for your ex isn’t a bad move. I’ve sent a letter or two like that and it didn’t get a response, but I also spent the first several months of the breakup doing all the things you’re not supposed to do: begging, arguing my side of things, pointing out all of the things she did wrong hoping that she could see her own mistakes and own her own part of the dysfunction. My last communications have been along the lines of what you’re going to write, but I did a lot of damage before that.

Like with your ex, mine shared feelings of inadequacy, saying things about how she was “no good” for me. And while she completely rewrote history and turned me into the biggest villain of all time, I do wonder if the anger has subsided a bit and now it’s shame that’s holding her back from making contact. But I’ll never know her state of mind as long as I am completely shut out of her life. I hope we both speak to our exes again, and both get another shot at our relationships. Speaking personally, I believe that having spent so much time on this forum over the last couple of years and reading books such as “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” navigating a BPD relationship would be more doable…if the chance is given.

Hello friend, first off thank you for taking your time to read my post and replying. It feels a bit relieving to know that I'm not totally alone in this. I'm sorry you went through this as well, I do hope your ex gets in contact with you. I don't know how likely it is for both of us, but we can only hope at this point. I'd like to think that I didn't do unrepairable damage, but only she knows. We'll see. I'm told by irl friends and family to move on, but it's so very difficult to let it go, especially since the break up is so fresh and the relationship has been so long. I love her just as much as I've always loved her. I wish she could feel it again.

[Goodpal]

Best advice I could give to you is sit back, relax and enjoy your life to the best of your ability. Find things that make you happy that have nothing to do with her. Under no circumstances should you reach out to her, ever. Exercise, read books, take long walks and reach out to friends and family. Smile even when you don't want to. In time the spell will be lifted and you will be free...

[hex_dzh]

Hello! Thank you so much for reading my wall of text.

in reading your story, there isnt a clear and obvious spark that exploded into a breakup - thats not unusual, lots of breakups are a slow boil - but you have some clues.

1.
what were these struggles? how did they play out? how often? were they resolved, and if so, how?

2. she was very upset that you contacted her mother - probably not the reason you broke up, but if there was trouble brewing, it could have been a catalyst.

3. arguments about boundaries with the opposite sex - it sounds like there was tension there and that the two of you werent on the same page.

4. she threw the kitchen sink at you when you broke up - blamed you for everything. what that tells you, more than anything specific, is that she was carrying long standing and simmering resentment. thats important to understand: this didnt happen out of nowhere. it is probably the most challenging thing to sort through, both because it doesnt match with your own experience, and because it is likely distorted - often times, that anger that has been building toward a breakup softens over time, and perspective changes. it is also even harder to try to see things through an ex's eyes in the immediate aftermath, when we are struggling with our own hurt feelings and broken heart - it took me a long time to understand my exes perspective - but to the extent you are able to examine this from a more detached perspective (like an outsider with a 30000 ft view of the relationship), the clearer things will become.

1) These struggles only started slowly showing up when she mentioned that she suspects herself of having BPD. It didn't start right away, it took months for it. It started out as irrational moments of anger towards me, which she realised were wrong and we could sorta navigate those. Then it moved to arguments. Those arguments were always about her spending less and less time with me and more and more time on League of Legends. For some time she'd promise change and for a week or two it'd be fine, then she'd go back to spending most of her time on it. Then pressure would build up until I couldn't take being neglected and bring it up, which would then trigger her and she'd split on me. Later we'd talk about it more like adults, reconcile, move on for a bit until it inevitably showed up again. When she wanted to add that guy on discord and insta, it moved from harsh arguments to fights in which she'd be verbally abusive (though not saying completely awful stuff).

2) It could very well be that. I was very careful with when I'd contact her mother - only in situations we'd agreed to, but this time I don't know what happened. As I said, just a bit earlier she was fine with me even wishing her mother merry christmas on the phone and then even a happy birthday later (the latter being her own idea!). When she'd have arguments with her mother, I'd always be supportive of my girlfriend. I don't know what went wrong and why.

3) Yes, that's the one thing that always sparked big fights and we could never resolve to complete satisfaction I think. Which is weird, because she's insanely jealous and the boundaries we talked about in the beginning of the relationship were mutually agreed upon. In one of those fights, I asked her what she'd do in my place and she admitted that she'd be doing the same. That still didn't stop her from continuing the argument. I have no idea why she wanted to make an exception just for this specific guy. I even offered her to drop this particular boundary for both of us then, if she's so unhappy about it, but no - she didn't want it completely gone, she only wanted this one exception. The last time we saw each other during the summer in August, she had absolutely no problem with me handling her phone. We both had no problem with that. We knew each others passwords and added each other's fingerprints to be able to unlock the phones. She didn't hide anything, nor did I. So I have no reason to doubt her loyalty, but it is very odd. It might've just been platonic attachment who knows. Also I do realise this might be a bit too extreme of a boundary in general, but it's what we agreed on together and it worked perfectly until then.

4) For sure, it didn't quite literally happen out of nowhere. But I don't know what exactly was causing this resentment on her part. I can only guess. I think the problems with that particular dude played a role, but not a very big one. I think what played a bigger role is that she felt like I was stopping her from successfully committing suicide. As dark as that sounds. She very clearly told me that she did not want to live anymore, but she's here and trying only because of me. That could've built a ton of resentment. I could also feel that she was slowly (maybe unconsciously) trying to withdraw from me so I worked harder for us to spend more time together etc. That could've triggered her fear of engulfment, thought it never showed in real life. Again I refer to last summer, she was legit inseparable from me. If I let her, she'd probably even come to the toilet with me. I don't know really.

i bring these things up because if theres any hope of reconciling a relationship, one has to understand the reasons that the relationship died in the first place, what its going to take to change those things, and whether its possible.

i suspect if you dig deep, the signs that your relationship was frayed/fraying were present.

what can you do now?

it is difficult to reconcile a relationship with someone who has you blocked. by definition, its a sign that they are closed off to the idea of communication.

a letter is one idea. i think that it carries a low success rate, and you need to be prepared that it may be ignored, or that you will receive backlash. if the goal is essentially to give things "one last chance", and then grieve the relationship if it doesnt work, thats something you can do.

i would not make it "a letter". i would first determine whether my goal was to ask her to talk, or whether my goal was to basically say "im here if you ever want to talk". both carry a low success rate, but the latter is lower pressure, and could potentially thaw some ice.

id keep it short. i wouldnt include any gifts or anything of that sort. my goal would be to remind her the door is open (she already knows this), and hopefully soften her heart to the idea of talking in the future, when shes ready. i would not expect to "break through to her".

Yeah it is very difficult and I do know it's highly unlikely. It's all in her hands. But what is in mine, I want to do right so that she at least KNOWS that I'm there waiting for her whenever she's ready and I don't hold a grudge, or blame or resent her. That I still love her so, so much. As you said, I don't want this letter to be some kind of begging or trying to make her contact me immediately. I want it to be non pressuring, relaxed, reassuring and most importantly loving. I won't send any gifts or anything, but I do want to make the letter a bit more special. Like spraying some of my perfume that she really liked. Would that be a bad idea? I really don't want to trigger anything bad. I want this letter to be as close as possible to the perfect move.

80% of us arrive here clinically depressed. if youre waiting on therapy, it would be a good idea to schedule a depression/anxiety meds assessment with your primary doctor. there are also lots of supplements that can help with depression, and studies show them to be as effective or more - SAM-E was a godsend for me in the early days of my breakup. id highly recommend it. it improved my mood and drastically cut down on my ruminating. also, dont underestimate how important a good nights sleep is. depression is an awful loop that will do things like interrupt your sleep, reduce your appetite, etc, and those things will in turn make depression worse. i started taking melatonin after my breakup, and it would help shut my thoughts down and get my body ready to turn off for sleep. when i saw my doctor, my sleep was the primary thing my doctor was concerned about - its a big deal.

i mention this because coping with what youre going through is hard enough, but also because if she decided to reach out tomorrow, youd be in a very anxious place. make mental health a priority, lean on your support system (here and elsewhere) and it will make your path clearer.

PS. i wouldnt pay much attention to what you read on the internet about BPD. most of it is, frankly, junk. the far more important parts of this equation are you, her, and the unique relationship the two of you had/have now.

Thank you for this advice. You're right, all of this has been incredibly damaging to my mental health, which was already a bit fragile due to her BPD symptoms (of course I'd never mention this to her!). I will look into SAM-E, I don't even know what that is or if it's available in Germany. I wasn't aware a primary doctor could prescribe meds, I will talk with her and see what can be done. Honestly, I feel completely ruined, exhausted and severely depressed. I will do what I can to help myself. The pain is so unbearable, especially at night.

[hex_dzh]

Best advice I could give to you is sit back, relax and enjoy your life to the best of your ability. Find things that make you happy that have nothing to do with her. Under no circumstances should you reach out to her, ever. Exercise, read books, take long walks and reach out to friends and family. Smile even when you don't want to. In time the spell will be lifted and you will be free...

Hello, I appreciate this advice and I know that you're right. But I can't move on yet, there is still some hope in me. I want to try everything possible first. If nothing works and I'm discarded forever, then I would at least know in my heart that I gave everything and it's not my fault. Only then I think I can truly move on, work on myself and possibly find someone new in the future. That seems impossible for now though. The unhealthy codependency I developed is really strong unfortunately.

[Goodpal]

I understand how you feel, wanting to say you've given it your all before moving on. Seems logical. Unfortunately, relationships (especially those involving BPD) are not logical. Your best option for both outcomes, moving on or getting her back, is to do absolutely nothing.

You focus on bettering yourself, even though you don't want to, you push forward through the heartbreak, even though it hurts, you will be better on the other side. If you reach out to her it will most likely only continue to push her away. Your best option is to sit back and let her come to you. Then you can consider if this relationship is really worth your time.

[hex_dzh]

I understand how you feel, wanting to say you've given it your all before moving on. Seems logical. Unfortunately, relationships (especially those involving BPD) are not logical. Your best option for both outcomes, moving on or getting her back, is to do absolutely nothing.

You focus on bettering yourself, even though you don't want to, you push forward through the heartbreak, even though it hurts, you will be better on the other side. If you reach out to her it will most likely only continue to push her away. Your best option is to sit back and let her come to you. Then you can consider if this relationship is really worth your time.

The problem with that is, I feel like the more time passes - the easier it will be for her to solidify the break up and/or find someone else. If that happens, then it will be truly over and I'd be left wondering if anything could've gone differently had I done X, Y, Z. I don't want to have those thoughts years from now, I want to know that I've done what I can and be free of it

[Goodpal]

You've stated that she knows the door is still open. You can't persuade her to walk through it. That is not how attraction works. Space and distance is your best bet because it allows her to possibly miss you. If you are constantly reaching out she will never truly miss you because you are always there.

Space and distance also allows you to heal. Find ways to enjoy the space instead of seeing it as something bad. Again, it is the best option for either outcome.

[Pook075]

The problem with that is, I feel like the more time passes - the easier it will be for her to solidify the break up and/or find someone else. If that happens, then it will be truly over and I'd be left wondering if anything could've gone differently had I done X, Y, Z. I don't want to have those thoughts years from now, I want to know that I've done what I can and be free of it

The letter idea is a good middle ground; it gives it a shot while you respect her need for distance.  You must manage expectations though since she probably won't reply right away.  You said it yourself, the best way forward is focusing on yourself and healing.

[hex_dzh]

You've stated that she knows the door is still open. You can't persuade her to walk through it. That is not how attraction works. Space and distance is your best bet because it allows her to possibly miss you. If you are constantly reaching out she will never truly miss you because you are always there.

Space and distance also allows you to heal. Find ways to enjoy the space instead of seeing it as something bad. Again, it is the best option for either outcome.

I don't think she knows that, I think if she comes out of this splitting episode - she will feel very guilty and shameful. And when she's like that and has no one to help her, she punishes herself by further isolation/doubling down & self harm. There's no one she hates in the world more than herself, so she will definitely not contact me unless the abandonment hits her particularly hard. Now, this time is different and I can't predict what will happen. I just know how she was before. If there's no one to reassure her, her thoughts will be "I don't deserve him. I've hurt him so much. He's better off without me. He probably hates me and doesn't want me to return. He isn't trying to contact me so he cut me off forever" etc. That's why I wanna send her a letter before our anniversary, which is enough time from now I think.

[hex_dzh]

The letter idea is a good middle ground; it gives it a shot while you respect her need for distance.  You must manage expectations though since she probably won't reply right away.  You said it yourself, the best way forward is focusing on yourself and healing.

Yep, as I said I'm not expecting something or want to pressure her. I just want to reassure her if she needs it. Show her the door is open IF she's ready for that. I won't be doing anything more than that. As a bonus, it will also help me by knowing that I've done everything I can.

[Pook075]

I don't think she knows that, I think if she comes out of this splitting episode - she will feel very guilty and shameful.

Splitting episodes are most common in minutes or hours, sometimes days.  Month-long splitting episodes are less common. 

[hex_dzh]

Splitting episodes are most common in minutes or hours, sometimes days.  Month-long splitting episodes are less common. 

I just don't know what to call it. Split induced discard? Fear of engulfment? Push part of "push and pull"?