Discarded. I want to do whatever is in my hands to have her back Pt. 1

[Pook075]

I just don't know what to call it. Split induced discard? Fear of engulfment? Push part of "push and pull"?

Yeah, discarded from a split is more accurate, and the terminology itself doesn't really matter.  I just wanted to make sure you knew that this is no longer a temporary split- she's moved on mentally.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hex_dzh]

Yeah, discarded from a split is more accurate, and the terminology itself doesn't really matter.  I just wanted to make sure you knew that this is no longer a temporary split- she's moved on mentally.

Yep, as I said this time is very different. Completely new territory for me. I can only hope it won't be forever.

[once removed]

Also I do realise this might be a bit too extreme of a boundary in general, but it's what we agreed on together and it worked perfectly until then.

take a couple that want to have children. they get married. one of them changes their mind about wanting children.

how do you resolve that?

sometimes a couple can share a value and agree to the boundaries around it, until one doesnt. not unlike how most couples, ostensibly, are loyal/monogamous until someone cheats.

it happens. sometimes it ruptures the relationship. sometimes its resolved.

i offer that only to suggest that sometimes a couple is on the same page until theyre not, or its possible that they never were. so much about relationships is figuring all of that out.

I could also feel that she was slowly (maybe unconsciously) trying to withdraw from me so I worked harder for us to spend more time together etc.

was this related to her suicidal ideation, or something else?

I do want to make the letter a bit more special. Like spraying some of my perfume that she really liked. Would that be a bad idea? I really don't want to trigger anything bad. I want this letter to be as close as possible to the perfect move.

i would keep Goodpal's advice in mind. there is a possibility that the letter backfires (remember, she has you blocked everywhere, so any letter is an attempt to go around that). there is a possibility that you regret sending it - i recall that after my breakup, i nearly drove the hour to leave her a note. its been 14 years since we broke up, and its ancient history, but had i followed through, i suspect i might still be kicking myself to this day if id done it.

he is right that theres nothing you can say that she doesnt know.

as i sit here, i think if done right, its less likely to backfire, but not likely to have a high success rate. i think shes likely to ignore it initially - and you should be prepared for that - but my hope would be that it would thaw the ice in a way that she might be more likely to reach out in the future.

is a letter/message necessary to achieve that same goal? probably not.

your motivation to send it seems sound - to make sure its clear the door is open, and to give it your last best shot, a hail mary. but beware of anxiety. anxiety tells us we need to act. that if we dont, we will regret it. it tells us that acting will relieve the anxiety, and the heartache.

be wary of that. im not telling you "dont send a letter" - in fact its a good exercise to write the letter and get feedback. but before doing anything, and especially before sending it, id sit with the anxiety, and be certain that im acting, not on anxiety, but in full confidence.

Splitting episodes

i think its important to see this, not as a temporary episode that shes going to wake up from, but an accurate expression of her feelings. her feelings may change - they often do, for most people, as that post breakup ice thaws - but i think there is a tendency to assume, in part based on past experience, that people with bpd are otherwise ordinary people who experience an "episode", come out of it, and then are back to being ordinary until the next one.

it can feel and look that way to us, but thats generally not how bpd works. bpd is a deeply ingrained world view. its always there, and it colors everything. the way she feels about you now is as real as the way she felt about you at her strongest. i think the confusion tends to be around episodes of dysregulation, which does tend to be more "episodic" -  our loved ones go from 0-60, you get the kitchen sink thrown at you, and then they return to baseline. thats a typical feature of bpd, but this isnt dysregulation, or a case where shes going to open her eyes and ask "what have i done".

i mention that, in part for your understanding, so you know what youre up against so to speak, but also that if youre hoping that there are magic words or actions that will trigger her to wake up in horror from an episode, and return to you, and the letter is part of that effort, it is very unlikely to play out that way.

Fear of engulfment?

the fear of engulfment is often misunderstood. one common misunderstanding is "we got close, so they had to push me away", which may feel comforting as a way of explaining the breakup, but is generally not the case.

we all put our best foot forward in the beginning of a new relationship. we all tend to present a best version of ourselves to attract a partner, and usually, its the version we think will be most attractive to them. we all do this. as we become more comfortable and secure in the relationship, we start to show more of the rest of us. sometimes we test each other with it.

people with bpd do this too, but to a more extreme, or pathological degree, based on longstanding and deep insecurities.

the way that the fear of engulfment tends to manifest is that over time, a person with bpd will resent themselves first - sort of like imposter syndrome, but not the same thing - but see themselves as unworthy and/or phony, that no one can love them for who they really are - and then resent you for "making them do it". theyll feel that you love them, not for who they are, but for this idealized version they presented, that isnt a fully accurate version of who they are. and in a lot of ways, they usually arent wrong.

but there is a tendency to feel that they have to keep up this image that they cant keep up, and a tendency to resent us for that - to fear that they will lose themselves or be consumed (engulfed) by the relationship. if you think hard to all the kitchen sinking she threw at you, id wager that some of it or a lot of it was that.

I will look into SAM-E, I don't even know what that is or if it's available in Germany. I wasn't aware a primary doctor could prescribe meds

both sam-e and melatonin occur naturally in the body. they are just supplements, but some supplements have a more powerful and noticeable effect than others. for example, passion flower was fantastic - about as powerful as say, xanax (ive used both) - for my episodic anxiety attacks. you wont get that kind of effect from say, taking vitamins. sam-e can be pretty powerful when it comes to getting the body back in balance - after a few days, you will feel it, it will be noticeable.

primary doctors can prescribe depression meds. they arent psychiatrists - they will tend to prescribe you the most popular antidepressant, or the one theyre used to prescribing - whereas with a psychiatrist, the process will be more in depth and tailored to you. for situational depression like a bad breakup, thats often just fine, though there may still be some trial and error, changing of doses, etc. anti-depressants are also notorious for side effects.

none of it is a cure, of course. the goal should be primarily to get your body back in balance and to the point where it isnt fighting itself. to recover from a breakup, you need, among other things, routine (as much as possible), strong support (in person - surround yourself with people that love you and spend quality time with them - and out of person like here), and, as youre able, to pursue things that give you confidence, especially things like learning new skills.

[hex_dzh]

take a couple that want to have children. they get married. one of them changes their mind about wanting children.

how do you resolve that?

sometimes a couple can share a value and agree to the boundaries around it, until one doesnt. not unlike how most couples, ostensibly, are loyal/monogamous until someone cheats.

it happens. sometimes it ruptures the relationship. sometimes its resolved.

i offer that only to suggest that sometimes a couple is on the same page until theyre not, or its possible that they never were. so much about relationships is figuring all of that out.

You're right and I offered to drop that 1 particular boundary for both of us, if it was making her too unhappy. Yet she didn't want that, she only wanted an exception. Don't think I could've done it any differently honestly.

was this related to her suicidal ideation, or something else?

A big part of it was due to that, yes. We even had some talks about it. Several times she tried to withdraw and isolate (from everyone, not just me) to make it possible for her to attempt suicide. Sometimes it was done consciously, sometimes not. Sometimes it stopped, sometimes it was stronger. But I do think it wasn't the only reason. I can only guess, but for example she could be very impulsive - all of a sudden she'd decide that she should just drop her best friends. Sometimes she'd decide to completely go offline from any social media, scrub her pages/profiles clean then weeks or a month later she'd show back up (though she still kept contact with me of course).

Sometimes she felt "empty" and "emotionless", so anyone who didn't know how to handle it would make her feel frustrated. I had to be very careful during times like that and not show much emotion either. But it's not always possible. The end of 2024 and start of 2025 was very difficult for me, with a family member passing and another getting very sick. Uni work piling on. Some of the stuff from the relationship taking its toll on me. I was depressed and needed her support. That's something she always wanted to reciprocate, she always told me it's unfair that I do so much, but she doesn't have to do the same in return. She really wanted to be there for me too. This time I really needed that and I thought I could rely on her, but she entered one such episode/mood and there was a disconnect. One thing she said to me was "I love you so much, but right now you are being too emotional for me" so I tried coping by myself and not pushing too hard. Thought I was balancing it fine, but I guess not. Who knows.

i would keep Goodpal's advice in mind. there is a possibility that the letter backfires (remember, she has you blocked everywhere, so any letter is an attempt to go around that). there is a possibility that you regret sending it - i recall that after my breakup, i nearly drove the hour to leave her a note. its been 14 years since we broke up, and its ancient history, but had i followed through, i suspect i might still be kicking myself to this day if id done it.

he is right that theres nothing you can say that she doesnt know.

as i sit here, i think if done right, its less likely to backfire, but not likely to have a high success rate. i think shes likely to ignore it initially - and you should be prepared for that - but my hope would be that it would thaw the ice in a way that she might be more likely to reach out in the future.

is a letter/message necessary to achieve that same goal? probably not.

your motivation to send it seems sound - to make sure its clear the door is open, and to give it your last best shot, a hail mary. but beware of anxiety. anxiety tells us we need to act. that if we dont, we will regret it. it tells us that acting will relieve the anxiety, and the heartache.

be wary of that. im not telling you "dont send a letter" - in fact its a good exercise to write the letter and get feedback. but before doing anything, and especially before sending it, id sit with the anxiety, and be certain that im acting, not on anxiety, but in full confidence.

I'd like to think that I'm not being delusional about the possible outcomes of this letter. I keep telling myself to expect the worst. But I can't lie that there's still small hope in me that it'd at least thaw the ice as you put it. I'm trying very hard to be rational about it. I think if I had let my anxiety win, I'd have already sent the letter and/or kept trying to contact her. But I think waiting until the end of March is enough time to sit with it? The time from now until then would be just over the time from the break up until today.

i think its important to see this, not as a temporary episode that shes going to wake up from, but an accurate expression of her feelings. her feelings may change - they often do, for most people, as that post breakup ice thaws - but i think there is a tendency to assume, in part based on past experience, that people with bpd are otherwise ordinary people who experience an "episode", come out of it, and then are back to being ordinary until the next one.

it can feel and look that way to us, but thats generally not how bpd works. bpd is a deeply ingrained world view. its always there, and it colors everything. the way she feels about you now is as real as the way she felt about you at her strongest. i think the confusion tends to be around episodes of dysregulation, which does tend to be more "episodic" -  our loved ones go from 0-60, you get the kitchen sink thrown at you, and then they return to baseline. thats a typical feature of bpd, but this isnt dysregulation, or a case where shes going to open her eyes and ask "what have i done".

i mention that, in part for your understanding, so you know what youre up against so to speak, but also that if youre hoping that there are magic words or actions that will trigger her to wake up in horror from an episode, and return to you, and the letter is part of that effort, it is very unlikely to play out that way.

I'm just not familiar with the correct terms, I didn't mean to insinuate that it's just a temporary thing. I do think a split/dysregulation played a big role in causing it but it's not just that. This is the worst it has ever been, it's the nightmare I feared. And it came true. Thank you for explaining it further to me, it's eye opening. I'm not expecting her to suddenly realise what she's done, but I do hope this painting black and discard can soften a bit at least. I think I've seen her kinda discard a best friend once, previously. I'm not familiar with the situation exactly, but one of her best friends also used to be her favourite person before me. But things that I'm not aware of happened between her and this girl which lead to my ex discarding her and them going no contact. Since then it has been several years, but every so often my ex would bring her up and tell me how badly she still misses her and stalks her profiles sometimes. If she gets to such a point, I just want there to be something that can reassure her "Hey, I still love you. I don't hold a grudge. I'm right there waiting for you to contact me. Don't punish yourself".

the fear of engulfment is often misunderstood. one common misunderstanding is "we got close, so they had to push me away", which may feel comforting as a way of explaining the breakup, but is generally not the case.

we all put our best foot forward in the beginning of a new relationship. we all tend to present a best version of ourselves to attract a partner, and usually, its the version we think will be most attractive to them. we all do this. as we become more comfortable and secure in the relationship, we start to show more of the rest of us. sometimes we test each other with it.

people with bpd do this too, but to a more extreme, or pathological degree, based on longstanding and deep insecurities.

the way that the fear of engulfment tends to manifest is that over time, a person with bpd will resent themselves first - sort of like imposter syndrome, but not the same thing - but see themselves as unworthy and/or phony, that no one can love them for who they really are - and then resent you for "making them do it". theyll feel that you love them, not for who they are, but for this idealized version they presented, that isnt a fully accurate version of who they are. and in a lot of ways, they usually arent wrong.

but there is a tendency to feel that they have to keep up this image that they cant keep up, and a tendency to resent us for that - to fear that they will lose themselves or be consumed (engulfed) by the relationship. if you think hard to all the kitchen sinking she threw at you, id wager that some of it or a lot of it was that.

It all sounds so tragic. We had been together for so long, we both changed so much throughout the relationship and evolved from teens into young adults together. Thinking back on it now, it makes me feel like she would no longer feel the need to do such a thing. It's not one particular version of her that I loved. We both changed and the feelings stayed the same, I'd like to think that it was proof enough for her. But seeing how severe it can be from what you describe, it could very well be that this played a huge role too. I always supported her when she wanted to change something about herself, even if some things seemed very impulsive. Even things as "small" as a new haircut/haircolor, a new style of clothing, new piercings or a new small tat. It was heartbreaking when she told me that I "never" let her change/evolve as a person. Maybe this is what she meant then, that she felt consumed by the relationship and that she couldn't keep up with the image she was showing me. I thought I knew the true her by now, that she didn't need to fake anything but maybe I didn't. Not to its fullest extent at least. I don't know.

both sam-e and melatonin occur naturally in the body. they are just supplements, but some supplements have a more powerful and noticeable effect than others. for example, passion flower was fantastic - about as powerful as say, xanax (ive used both) - for my episodic anxiety attacks. you wont get that kind of effect from say, taking vitamins. sam-e can be pretty powerful when it comes to getting the body back in balance - after a few days, you will feel it, it will be noticeable.

primary doctors can prescribe depression meds. they arent psychiatrists - they will tend to prescribe you the most popular antidepressant, or the one theyre used to prescribing - whereas with a psychiatrist, the process will be more in depth and tailored to you. for situational depression like a bad breakup, thats often just fine, though there may still be some trial and error, changing of doses, etc. anti-depressants are also notorious for side effects.

none of it is a cure, of course. the goal should be primarily to get your body back in balance and to the point where it isnt fighting itself. to recover from a breakup, you need, among other things, routine (as much as possible), strong support (in person - surround yourself with people that love you and spend quality time with them - and out of person like here), and, as youre able, to pursue things that give you confidence, especially things like learning new skills.

Yeah I just researched SAM-E a bit and it seems to be getting a lot praise wherever I look. I will def give it a try. Melatonin too. And if things still keep being this bad, I will visit my doctor as well. Thank you for all the advice, explanations and help. Things are so difficult for me right now and I'm trying my best to keep going.

[hex_dzh]

Honestly I wish I had discovered this forum before. Things might have gone differently

[once removed]

as a starting point, someone experiencing chronic suicidal ideation is going to be a difficult person to have a relationship with.

thats someone that is going to be consumed with whats going on with them - emotionally unavailable. in other words, it would take its own toll, too.

I'd like to think that I'm not being delusional about the possible outcomes of this letter

it doesnt sound like it. sure, you have hope, thats the point.

i do think, and this is purely a hunch, based on my own experience, and similar situations, that if she is going to respond, shes likely to sit on it for a while.

it also sounds like shes the type of person who likes to restart her life with a clean slate, and often. there are just some people, and/or some situations, where they prefer to leave the past in the past. so that remains a possibility.

I do hope this painting black and discard can soften a bit at least.

that is the course for most people, bpd or otherwise.

people dont generally like to end things on a bad note, and when they do, once the ice thaws, they tend to want to rectify that.

and sure, lots of people hold a grudge forever, or maybe theres too much baggage and its simpler to clean the slate.

but generally speaking, as people heal, as resentment cools off, their narrative of the relationship and attitude toward the other person changes.

I'd like to think that it was proof enough for her.

i mentioned that bpd is a world view. its an entire belief system, based on lifelong fears.

think of a person with a severe fear of flying. you cant disprove their fear of flying. they can read the same statistics about the safety of flying as you and i can. or think of a really good looking person with low self esteem, that believes they are ugly, even if they suitors lined around the corner.

i say that to suggest, we all came from dysfunctional relationships that we all played a role in, but those deep seated fears were there before us. in an ideal world, we can help create a relatively consistent sense of relationship security, but those deep fears, insecurities, beliefs, will always be there to a degree, and they will always challenge the relationship.

It was heartbreaking when she told me that I "never" let her change/evolve as a person.

that does sound like an example. it is incredibly hard to hear.

take your time with the note, and post it for feedback when youre ready. i dont have immediate suggestions beyond what to avoid; its a hard note to write, but we can definitely help you fine tune it.

[hex_dzh]

take your time with the note, and post it for feedback when youre ready. i dont have immediate suggestions beyond what to avoid; its a hard note to write, but we can definitely help you fine tune it.

That's the plan for now. Slowly work on myself, try to not fall into too deep of a depression and carefully write that letter (with help from here, which I'm very thankful for).

I do want to ask you the same questions I asked Pook075. What do you think is the most likely outcome? And based on everything I've written so far, what do you think is the possibility (in %) of us reconciling and coming back together in the near future, before she finds someone new?

[hex_dzh]

Also, while I do want to write this letter and send it - I am still a bit unsure if I should. What would be best for me to do in your opinion? If my goal was for us to get back together.

[Goodpal]

Honestly, if you really feel the need to write the note it should be extremely brief. Basically, just saying that you still love her and the door is still open if she ever chooses to come back. That is it. The ball is in her court. Do not put anything else in the note, and once you send it do not look back.

The note is more for your piece of mind than anything else. Pushing this too far can lead to smothering which you may have already done. Space and distance should be your new friends.

[hex_dzh]

Honestly, if you really feel the need to write the note it should be extremely brief. Basically, just saying that you still love her and the door is still open if she ever chooses to come back. That is it. The ball is in her court. Do not put anything else in the note, and once you send it do not look back.

The note is more for your piece of mind than anything else. Pushing this too far can lead to smothering which you may have already done. Space and distance should be your new friends.

That's what I'm afraid of. I keep flip flopping between wanting to send the letter and being very unsure. I'm so torn. That's why I want to gather as many opinions as possible.

[ForeverDad]

I just came across your thread, so if I make a comment that's already been said, understand I might have missed it.

In your first post you mentioned that it was just a few days before your birthday.  Incidents such as what you experienced often occur around such times, whether birthdays, births, deaths, holidays, vacations, even just preparing for vacations, etc.  So it's possible all this was due to that 'trigger' and perhaps other factors as well of which you're not even aware.  You may never figure it all out, it just 'IS'.

To pull an example out of my past... It was our wedding anniversary.  She liked red roses, even dried them to make dry flower arrangements.  Well, the the red roses at the store were wilted, so I saw some beautiful carnations and thought nothing of the substitution.  Oh no, she became enraged, cut them up and threw them in the kitchen trash.  I had no idea that was a trigger for her.  And no amount of reasoning worked.

Another thought... Had you two recently experienced something that  made you more obligated to one another?  It seems that the relationships start well because there little or no obligation at first (and also distance can be a calming factor) but as the relationships grow, the sense of obligation becomes overwhelming.  Not for you since you're relatively normal, but for her it could be a huge issue.

Borderline traits become more noticeable and more problematic the closer you are.  That's why so many BPD relationships keep continuing, just when you've been pushed away and you think it has ended, the distance apart sometimes relaxes the other and the person wants you back.  Push-Pull for  relative normal people is usually minor and just a part of life, but when there is Borderline dysfunction all the upset and chaos is amplified way out of proportion.  That is why BPD is also described as an emotional dysregulation disorder... where feelings are everything and facts are denied.

Whether you are in the midst of a major push-pull or a permanent blacklist may be unknown for quite a while.  A bigger question is... Now that you are learning what you're dealing with, do you want your life to continue with these extreme ups and downs like an out of control roller coaster or would it be wiser to Step Away, Let Go and Move On with your life, focused first on your own recovery?

[hex_dzh]

Hello, thanks taking the time to read this thread and reply!

I just came across your thread, so if I make a comment that's already been said, understand I might have missed it.

In your first post you mentioned that it was just a few days before your birthday.  Incidents such as what you experienced often occur around such times, whether birthdays, births, deaths, holidays, vacations, even just preparing for vacations, etc.  So it's possible all this was due to that 'trigger' and perhaps other factors as well of which you're not even aware.  You may never figure it all out, it just 'IS'.

To pull an example out of my past... It was our wedding anniversary.  She liked red roses, even dried them to make dry flower arrangements.  Well, the the red roses at the store were wilted, so I saw some beautiful carnations and thought nothing of the substitution.  Oh no, she became enraged, cut them up and threw them in the kitchen trash.  I had no idea that was a trigger for her.  And no amount of reasoning worked.

It could've contributed yes. My birthday was coming up, and just half a month later would be Valentine's day and after that was our anniversary.

Another thought... Had you two recently experienced something that  made you more obligated to one another?  It seems that the relationships start well because there little or no obligation at first (and also distance can be a calming factor) but as the relationships grow, the sense of obligation becomes overwhelming.  Not for you since you're relatively normal, but for her it could be a huge issue.

Kinda yeah, we attended my cousin's wedding in which I was the best man and in our culture, the wife/girlfriend of the best friend also plays a big role in the wedding. She met a lot of people from my extended family. I had already met hers. But the odd thing is, that one of the many nonsensical (to me) reasons she threw at my face for the break up was that we still weren't engaged, that she didn't have a ring from me yet. That took me by surprise, because we discussed it very often and her opinion was strictly that such a thing should happen only after we stop being in an LDR and move in together. I agreed with her, but we still kept discussing it from time to time - just to make sure we're on the same page. She never indicated that she was unhappy about this so it really took me by surprise. This year would've been the last before we could move in together. We were both eagerly waiting for us to finish uni.

Borderline traits become more noticeable and more problematic the closer you are.  That's why so many BPD relationships keep continuing, just when you've been pushed away and you think it has ended, the distance apart sometimes relaxes the other and the person wants you back.  Push-Pull for  relative normal people is usually minor and just a part of life, but when there is Borderline dysfunction all the upset and chaos is amplified way out of proportion.  That is why BPD is also described as an emotional dysregulation disorder... where feelings are everything and facts are denied.

Whether you are in the midst of a major push-pull or a permanent blacklist may be unknown for quite a while.  A bigger question is... Now that you are learning what you're dealing with, do you want your life to continue with these extreme ups and downs like an out of control roller coaster or would it be wiser to Step Away, Let Go and Move On with your life, focused first on your own recovery?

Honestly I don't know. It's too fresh for me to think about actually moving on and letting go of our relationship. It was so long term and we had become codependent (unfortunately). If she came back to me now, I'd accept her with open arms and work hard again to make sure she gets professional help and this doesn't repeat. I'd still be ready to do everything in my power to help her. It's so painful not knowing if it's permanent or not, I don't know what to do really. Maybe in a year or more I'll feel different. This month will be utter hell to go through due to the upcoming date of our anniversary.

What do you think about my idea of sending her a letter a few days before the anniversary?

[once removed]

Honestly, if you really feel the need to write the note it should be extremely brief. Basically, just saying that you still love her and the door is still open if she ever chooses to come back. That is it. The ball is in her court. Do not put anything else in the note, and once you send it do not look back.

The note is more for your piece of mind than anything else. Pushing this too far can lead to smothering which you may have already done. Space and distance should be your new friends.

i think thats right.

to add to that, i would avoid making it about the anniversary, and i wouldn't spray it with perfume. you dont want it to be "heavy".

I am still a bit unsure if I should.

its worth writing, as an exercise, whether you ultimately send it or not.

What do you think is the most likely outcome? And based on everything I've written so far, what do you think is the possibility (in %) of us reconciling and coming back together in the near future, before she finds someone new?

i couldnt put a percentage on it. i think the odds are statistically low.

you have to keep in mind:

1. she has you blocked. thats a statement in and of itself. its not one that is welcoming of a note, or any communication.
2. she did the breaking up. the person doing the breaking up, to whatever extent has grieved the relationship, starting before us.
3. statistically speaking, hail marys and notes in this type of context generally dont do much to move the needle. i cant actually recall a time on this board that ive seen it "work", in terms of leading back to a relationship.

that isn't to say it cant, or wont, or never does. 65% of relationships in general dont end at the first breakup. the breakup is still fairly fresh...it hasnt been months, or anything like that. its possible, and i dont say that to give you false hope.

i think that she is likely to not respond to the note, initially. i think what id be realistically hoping to accomplish is that it thaws the ice and opens the door for her to reach out in the future.

could it go better than that? it could. it could also go worse. she could lash out.

i think that if you can write the sort of note that Goodpal is talking about, and feel good about it, it is probably worth doing, and its not super likely that its going to damage any chances there may be, though there is a risk.

[hex_dzh]

i think thats right.

to add to that, i would avoid making it about the anniversary, and i wouldn't spray it with perfume. you dont want it to be "heavy".

its worth writing, as an exercise, whether you ultimately send it or not.

I'm just unsure of how light I should keep it. I don't want to make it so basic that it makes her angry or something. I don't want to go too heavy either, as you put it. It's tragic, writing a letter to her would have been so easy before. I knew her so well. Now it's so incredibly difficult.

i couldnt put a percentage on it. i think the odds are statistically low.

you have to keep in mind:

1. she has you blocked. thats a statement in and of itself. its not one that is welcoming of a note, or any communication.
2. she did the breaking up. the person doing the breaking up, to whatever extent has grieved the relationship, starting before us.
3. statistically speaking, hail marys and notes in this type of context generally dont do much to move the needle. i cant actually recall a time on this board that ive seen it "work", in terms of leading back to a relationship.

that isn't to say it cant, or wont, or never does. 65% of relationships in general dont end at the first breakup. the breakup is still fairly fresh...it hasnt been months, or anything like that. its possible, and i dont say that to give you false hope.

It's just hard to believe this is the same person I spent 6 years in love with and got to know better than myself. Logically, you are right - being blocked, her not liking the flowers I sent and being unaffected when I showed up - all of this means the relationship is dead. But my mind can't comprehend it. This person could barely function without me, the thought of breaking up made her physically ill just days before she broke up with me. She couldn't even be outside for long without calling me out of social anxiety. Not saying any of these are good, so much dependency is unhealthy but all of these things are in my mind, they make it difficult to believe that she would truly cut me off completely. Thinking back on it, she could maybe have been grieving the relationship during the periods she was withdrawing from me. Maybe that got her used to it and when she finally didn't feel anything, she dumped me.

i think that she is likely to not respond to the note, initially. i think what id be realistically hoping to accomplish is that it thaws the ice and opens the door for her to reach out in the future.

could it go better than that? it could. it could also go worse. she could lash out.

i think that if you can write the sort of note that Goodpal is talking about, and feel good about it, it is probably worth doing, and its not super likely that its going to damage any chances there may be, though there is a risk.

Yeah I don't expect much. Honestly it's probably more likely that she'll throw it away without even opening it. I just want to reassure her that the way to me is still open in case she thinks I hate her now and that she should punish herself by not contacting me or something even worse. I am so used to always checking up on her, I'm getting very stressed out. I don't know if she's ok, or if she's even alive still ... It's a very dark thought I try to ignore, but it's eating me from inside.

I think I will tackle the letter part by part because I'm so unsure of how and what to write. I don't know if I should mention my suffering a bit or if at all, should I describe how I'm trying to keep going or not, should I briefly talk about  stuff that has happened to me since then? Or should I just focus completely on her? Tell her about my feelings a bit or no? It's a lot to think through.

Thank you again for replying.

[ForeverDad]

The note may be your attempt to repair the relationship, but for you it may also give you a sense of closure.  Of course you don't want it to end but you're having to face the facts.

You are unlikely to get "closure" from a person with BPD traits.  So instead, can you Gift yourself the Closure?

[hex_dzh]

The note may be your attempt to repair the relationship, but for you it may also give you a sense of closure.  Of course you don't want it to end but you're having to face the facts.

You are unlikely to get "closure" from a person with BPD traits.  So instead, can you Gift yourself the Closure?

It would be a closure of sorts, if even a heartfelt letter on our anniversary doesn't affect her enough to thaw the ice.

[once removed]

I don't know if I should mention my suffering a bit or if at all, should I describe how I'm trying to keep going or not, should I briefly talk about  stuff that has happened to me since then?

this is a hard "no", for more reasons than i can count.

it will feel like pressure. it may feel manipulative. it will feel like an emotional burden. it will feel like its about you. it may feel like blame. it may feel invalidating in terms of how she feels she might have suffered. shes not in any position to hear about or validate your suffering - no ex is - and for someone with bpd, with their own emotional limitations, even less so.

and just in terms of cold hard psychology, it sticks your neck on the line to get stomped on. you shouldnt, and dont need, to do that.

the kind of note Goodpal is talking about is more like a few sentences:

Basically, just saying that you still love her and the door is still open if she ever chooses to come back. That is it.

he reduced it to one.

im not suggesting you leave her a one sentence note, that would just be kind of weird, but the more you distill and reduce it to that central point, and no more than that, the more likely it is to be heard, and, whatever she does with it, the safer it is to send (its possible that anything you send could cause her to lash out at you; thats a built in risk, but it doesnt have to be a "danger"). i think that as an exercise, i would try to limit it to no more than 5 sentences. the message you want to send does not require more.

its why it might be helpful to think of it more as a "note" than a "letter". a letter, in a situation like this, is a lengthy plea from the heart for someone to return to us, cloaked in careful and deliberate wording, and usually, between the lines, comes off as self serving.

I just want to reassure her that the way to me is still open in case she thinks I hate her now

this is valid. its worth doing, if you decide to. it doesnt stick your neck on the line. but its a note, not a letter. its one sentence, and it says it all.

if you think about it, you actually know exactly what you want to say, because you just did it in one sentence. it just isnt all you want to say. the more you are able to separate those two things (i know, easier said than done), the clearer it will be.

as another exercise, picture yourself ten years from now, assuming that things do not work out. picture yourself far removed from the urgency, the pain, all the things you want so badly to say now, all of it. you will not regret having said the equivalent of "im here if you want to talk". more than that, youd probably wish youd taken out.

her not liking the flowers I sent and being unaffected when I showed up - all of this means the relationship is dead. But my mind can't comprehend it.

i missed the part about the flowers - that should give some pause on a followup - but specifically, what im saying is that it means youre contacting someone who expressly doesnt want contact (blocked you), who has been told how you feel, and doing so again just plainly carries a low success rate. can it work? it can, even with someone who has blocked you. but there are no such things as magic words, and the far most important ingredients are 1. your own peace of mind 2. your own confidence in what youre sending and 3. keeping it simple and target free. that recipe carries the greatest likelihood of success, and limits potential fallout or damage if it doesnt.

my mind can't comprehend it. This person could barely function without me, the thought of breaking up made her physically ill just days before she broke up with me. She couldn't even be outside for long without calling me out of social anxiety. Not saying any of these are good, so much dependency is unhealthy but all of these things are in my mind, they make it difficult to believe that she would truly cut me off completely.

i can really understand this, its one of the hardest parts. my own relationship was half the length of yours, but i couldnt fathom how she could even do so much as take a bath, because i frequently started her bath water, she liked the temperature id get it to. for someone to be so dependent on and obsessed with you, where does it all go? you would think it would drive them nuts.

there are lots of possible explanations, some more to do with bpd specifically, some just human nature.

1. dependency and obsession arent love. they are a bond, of sorts, but not one that necessarily runs particularly deep. please dont mistake that as me telling you she didnt love you, im not saying that at all. but to give you an example, i likely have adhd, and im very prone to whats called "limerence" - that is to say, several times in my life, i have found myself completely, madly, and endlessly obsessed with a woman to the point that it upends my entire life for weeks or months - people i barely knew, and logically understood i didnt truly feel this way toward - but the feeling persisted, and i couldnt logically make it go away. and then something breaks the spell, and i cant even put myself in those same shoes or even make sense of it, and even knowing that doesnt prevent it from happening again.

again, im not saying, at all, that she didnt love you, im using that as an example that that aspect of her love may have been more shallow and need based, whereas for you, it (taking care of her) was probably a huge part of the attachment.

2. compartmentalization. we all compartmentalize. there are, at any given time, horrors going on around the world that would terrify us if we had close proximity to them, or allowed ourselves to think about constantly. we couldnt cope with life without, to some extent, tuning that out. people with bpd are survivors, and the ability to compartmentalize tends to be a finely tuned one that helps them to paper over grief and the reality of it, and, unfortunately, also keeps them from learning lessons from it.

3. the person doing the breaking up has always grieved the relationship to some extent (even ones that get back together). they have felt the loss. they have begun to build a new life that doesnt involve, or even rebels against, that attachment. the person on the receiving end tends to be on a completely different page. they often feel blindsided. they have to deal with the rejection, the blow to their self esteem and confidence that the other person doesnt, all while carrying the feelings they still have. they then have to piece it all together, try to make sense of what they missed and what went wrong. it is a completely different process, and completely different page to be on.

4. for that reason, among others, the more a relationship is heading toward a breakup, the more both parties tend to be on very different pages, and having very different experiences that we arent necessarily privy to. one or both parties tends to start to act more in self preservation than with consideration for their partner or the relationship.

5. that can be even more the case for someone with bpd, who experience all the things we do, but to far greater extremes, and wilder swings. thats, in part, why members (including me) often report that our partner had just been sharing their enthusiastic love a day or a week before the breakup, or that we felt like the relationship was on a major upswing. because the person doing the breaking up, often times, goes through a process of doubt, second guesses, reinvesting/giving things another chance, and a lot of that flies under the radar to the person on the receiving end. sometimes the signs are there in hindsight, but a lot of this is not even necessarily a very conscious thing for the person doing the breaking up. with bpd, you would tend to see more wild swings between the desire to breakup, the fear of the reality of that, and returning to emphatically clinging to the relationship, which would make things all the more confusing for the person on the receiving end. i know in my case, i never even considered the possibility that my ex was even psychologically capable of breaking up with me. it absolutely blew my mind.

i imagine that none of that is terribly helpful, but may shed light and make sense of things that are so very difficult to process. in very simple terms, she had a head start.

[CanBuild91]

Hi Once Removed, your advice is always so incredible. When I posted my own story (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358884.msg13218258#msg13218258) you shared that your breakup was similar to mine in its causes and aftermath. I also relate so much to hex_dzh, and the more he writes the more uncannily familiar it all sounds, though it's been much longer since my breakup, around 2.5 years now. Something I don't think you ever said when you first responded to me was whether you ever spoke to your ex again. I know you didn't get back together after the big rupture, but did you ever speak again? Did she ever reach out? Was there ever the tiniest crack in the door to reconcile even if you two didn't take it? Did you ex move on quickly and find a new partner, or remain single but steadfastly opposed to contact with you? Speaking personally, and it seems like OP is in a similar situation, just the opportunity to talk again feels so important. The idea of never speaking again feels unfathomable. There was a thread on this board recently about somebody whose ex resurfaced after 3 years of no contact. That story gives me hope. I'm curious to hear more about your story.

[hex_dzh]

i missed the part about the flowers - that should give some pause on a followup - but specifically, what im saying is that it means youre contacting someone who expressly doesnt want contact (blocked you), who has been told how you feel, and doing so again just plainly carries a low success rate. can it work? it can, even with someone who has blocked you. but there are no such things as magic words, and the far most important ingredients are 1. your own peace of mind 2. your own confidence in what youre sending and 3. keeping it simple and target free. that recipe carries the greatest likelihood of success, and limits potential fallout or damage if it doesnt.

That was a big mistake on my part. Only around two weeks after she broke up with me I sent her her favourite flowers and a small little note. Then 2 more weeks after that I decided to go and visit her. If only I knew of this forum before that, I would've asked for advice here and not fumbled it like that. But it is what it is, can't change the past. I thought "proving" my undying love so soon would help, because in past arguments/fights/splits that used to work well, but instead I probably overwhelmed her completely. Now I'm trying to do what's best, that's why I'm so nervous about this note/letter. I want to validate her feelings, apologise about what she thinks I did to wrong her (even though I only have a very vague idea of that), reassure her and show her I still love her just as much as before and that I'm worried about her well being.

I so wish that she would at least unblock me on 1 messaging app and keep contact, even if minimal, so I'd at least know that she's physically ok.

i can really understand this, its one of the hardest parts. my own relationship was half the length of yours, but i couldnt fathom how she could even do so much as take a bath, because i frequently started her bath water, she liked the temperature id get it to. for someone to be so dependent on and obsessed with you, where does it all go? you would think it would drive them nuts.

there are lots of possible explanations, some more to do with bpd specifically, some just human nature.

1. dependency and obsession arent love. they are a bond, of sorts, but not one that necessarily runs particularly deep. please dont mistake that as me telling you she didnt love you, im not saying that at all. but to give you an example, i likely have adhd, and im very prone to whats called "limerence" - that is to say, several times in my life, i have found myself completely, madly, and endlessly obsessed with a woman to the point that it upends my entire life for weeks or months - people i barely knew, and logically understood i didnt truly feel this way toward - but the feeling persisted, and i couldnt logically make it go away. and then something breaks the spell, and i cant even put myself in those same shoes or even make sense of it, and even knowing that doesnt prevent it from happening again.

again, im not saying, at all, that she didnt love you, im using that as an example that that aspect of her love may have been more shallow and need based, whereas for you, it (taking care of her) was probably a huge part of the attachment.

2. compartmentalization. we all compartmentalize. there are, at any given time, horrors going on around the world that would terrify us if we had close proximity to them, or allowed ourselves to think about constantly. we couldnt cope with life without, to some extent, tuning that out. people with bpd are survivors, and the ability to compartmentalize tends to be a finely tuned one that helps them to paper over grief and the reality of it, and, unfortunately, also keeps them from learning lessons from it.

3. the person doing the breaking up has always grieved the relationship to some extent (even ones that get back together). they have felt the loss. they have begun to build a new life that doesnt involve, or even rebels against, that attachment. the person on the receiving end tends to be on a completely different page. they often feel blindsided. they have to deal with the rejection, the blow to their self esteem and confidence that the other person doesnt, all while carrying the feelings they still have. they then have to piece it all together, try to make sense of what they missed and what went wrong. it is a completely different process, and completely different page to be on.

4. for that reason, among others, the more a relationship is heading toward a breakup, the more both parties tend to be on very different pages, and having very different experiences that we arent necessarily privy to. one or both parties tends to start to act more in self preservation than with consideration for their partner or the relationship.

5. that can be even more the case for someone with bpd, who experience all the things we do, but to far greater extremes, and wilder swings. thats, in part, why members (including me) often report that our partner had just been sharing their enthusiastic love a day or a week before the breakup, or that we felt like the relationship was on a major upswing. because the person doing the breaking up, often times, goes through a process of doubt, second guesses, reinvesting/giving things another chance, and a lot of that flies under the radar to the person on the receiving end. sometimes the signs are there in hindsight, but a lot of this is not even necessarily a very conscious thing for the person doing the breaking up. with bpd, you would tend to see more wild swings between the desire to breakup, the fear of the reality of that, and returning to emphatically clinging to the relationship, which would make things all the more confusing for the person on the receiving end. i know in my case, i never even considered the possibility that my ex was even psychologically capable of breaking up with me. it absolutely blew my mind.

i imagine that none of that is terribly helpful, but may shed light and make sense of things that are so very difficult to process. in very simple terms, she had a head start.

On the contrary, it's very helpful. Thank you for writing this. Even as I read and understand these points - my mind is having such a tough time to process them. I can't believe this is the same person I held in my arms not long ago while she was crying and making me promise to always be together and never abandon her. Such memories keep getting in the way all the time. Some from just before the break up. That's why I appreciate all of the advice and opinions I'm getting here.

[hex_dzh]

Hi Once Removed, your advice is always so incredible. When I posted my own story (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358884.msg13218258#msg13218258) you shared that your breakup was similar to mine in its causes and aftermath. I also relate so much to hex_dzh, and the more he writes the more uncannily familiar it all sounds, though it's been much longer since my breakup, around 2.5 years now. Something I don't think you ever said when you first responded to me was whether you ever spoke to your ex again. I know you didn't get back together after the big rupture, but did you ever speak again? Did she ever reach out? Was there ever the tiniest crack in the door to reconcile even if you two didn't take it? Did you ex move on quickly and find a new partner, or remain single but steadfastly opposed to contact with you? Speaking personally, and it seems like OP is in a similar situation, just the opportunity to talk again feels so important. The idea of never speaking again feels unfathomable. There was a thread on this board recently about somebody whose ex resurfaced after 3 years of no contact. That story gives me hope. I'm curious to hear more about your story.

Hello friend, I'm in no position to give advice so I only want to wish you peace and love and that your ex gets back in contact with you like you want. I know the pain you feel and I can only hope that it doesn't last so long for me.

[hex_dzh]

I recalled something today. A while ago, maybe a year or so, she sent me a video explaining BPD in a cartoony way. I don't know if links are allowed so I'll just say that the title of the vid was "Borderline Personality Disorder" by Ofir Sasson. Towards the end, it shows how someone with BPD can discard their FP partner. That part brought her to tears, like full on crying. She was so scared that it could happen to us. I reassured her then and as I did it, I was so confident that we would never break up. We had built something so strong, lived through so much and never separated - surely it can't happen to us. And here I am now, without her.

This shows that she was self aware of BPD, its symptoms and dangers. I am hopeful that this is a good sign.

[once removed]

That was a big mistake on my part. Only around two weeks after she broke up with me I sent her her favourite flowers and a small little note.

i dont know that it was a mistake, necessarily, but i think it suggests that leaving another note might be one. it tells you that youve already done this (she knows how you feel), wasnt receptive, and if youre blocked, still isnt. it suggests that the probability of success is very low, and a high potential of making things worse, and at least the possibility of a backlash.

how long ago was it that you left that note?

I so wish that she would at least unblock me on 1 messaging app

this could always happen, though if she did, it would be a mistake to pounce on it and contact her first (a mistake lots of people make).

but, something like that could be the sort of "ice thawing" that one might hope for. do you think another note would increase or decrease the potential of it happening?

[hex_dzh]

i dont know that it was a mistake, necessarily, but i think it suggests that leaving another note might be one. it tells you that youve already done this (she knows how you feel), wasnt receptive, and if youre blocked, still isnt. it suggests that the probability of success is very low, and a high potential of making things worse, and at least the possibility of a backlash.

how long ago was it that you left that note?

Roughly 2 weeks after the break up I sent her flowers and a small note. Not a letter or anything, just one of those cards that come with flowers - enough space for a few words. I think it was a mistake, because it was so soon after the break up. She was definitely still in the most furious stage, if that's a thing. If I could go back in time to just after the break up, I would keep away from contacting her totally until the anniversary and pull all the possible moves only then I think.

this could always happen, though if she did, it would be a mistake to pounce on it and contact her first (a mistake lots of people make).

but, something like that could be the sort of "ice thawing" that one might hope for. do you think another note would increase or decrease the potential of it happening?

Yes, if such a thing were to happen - I would definitely be careful not to dive in too fast. Wait for her lead, be there for reassurance and if she reciprocates then we can start reconciling and slowly healing. But I don't know how likely it is for this to happen.

The small letter I am planning is supposed to only help with the bad feelings she may be having that are so common with BPD (guilt, shame, need to punish herself, feeling that I hate her now etc). How likely is it to increase the potential of "thawing the ice" I don't know, but the potential of causing damage instead I think is very, very low if at all.

[hex_dzh]

I don't know how to edit my previous post, so I will add to it with a new reply.

I do think the upcoming date of the anniversary will affect her. How much and in what way I don't know, but that is the one date in which we always visit each other, celebrate, create memories. We have so many from our last anniversary, surely some memories will resurface even if against her will. I think those may hit her hard when that date approaches. Especially since by that time, I think enough time would have passed for her to at least cool down a bit. But this is assuming that she hasn't completely and totally painted me black and discarded me forever. Her being self aware of BPD and how it works, and also being scared of exactly this happening may help against this total discard but I really don't know. This is all new to me.

[once removed]

I do think the upcoming date of the anniversary will affect her.

you may be right.

i do think that i would separate any note from the anniversary itself, as in, if youre going to leave it, i would do so either before, or after the anniversary, not make it part of the gesture. doing so is likely to leave a bad taste.

if anything, id lean toward doing it a bit after. let it affect her, however it might affect her. let her clear the cobwebs when and if it does. then "hey, my door is still open if you ever wanta knock", after shes been thinking about it of her own accord. 

you would be surprised as to how far giving that time to thaw the ice can go, or what developments - like the possibility of her being the one to reach out (which would go a lot better for you) - can happen.

i know youre worried about too much time passing, or the possibility of her getting into another relationship. some of that is probably anxiety pushing you to act, and some of it is valid - obviously, if theres a chance, you want to take it, you dont want to wait forever and miss it - but im here to tell you, it generally doesnt work that way. if she were to get into a new relationship tomorrow, or in two weeks, or three, then your relationship was already dead, and there was almost certainly no chance of resurrecting it. its not going to happen because you didnt leave another note. on the flip side, if she were to prematurely get into a relationship while she still has feelings for you, then its very unlikely to pose a threat to your chances, heck, it could even help them, ultimately.

[hex_dzh]

you may be right.

i do think that i would separate any note from the anniversary itself, as in, if youre going to leave it, i would do so either before, or after the anniversary, not make it part of the gesture. doing so is likely to leave a bad taste.

if anything, id lean toward doing it a bit after. let it affect her, however it might affect her. let her clear the cobwebs when and if it does. then "hey, my door is still open if you ever wanta knock", after shes been thinking about it of her own accord. 

you would be surprised as to how far giving that time to thaw the ice can go, or what developments - like the possibility of her being the one to reach out (which would go a lot better for you) - can happen.

I was thinking of sending the letter just slightly earlier than the 31st of March so that she receives it a few days before the anniversary, not exactly on it. Sending it afterwards may seem like I only did it because I was waiting for her to contact me first and when she didn't - I then decided to do something. Sending it exactly on the anniversary may seem manipulative and put pressure on her? I'm not exactly sure about the timing yet. You make a good argument as well.

i know youre worried about too much time passing, or the possibility of her getting into another relationship. some of that is probably anxiety pushing you to act, and some of it is valid - obviously, if theres a chance, you want to take it, you dont want to wait forever and miss it - but im here to tell you, it generally doesnt work that way. if she were to get into a new relationship tomorrow, or in two weeks, or three, then your relationship was already dead, and there was almost certainly no chance of resurrecting it. its not going to happen because you didnt leave another note. on the flip side, if she were to prematurely get into a relationship while she still has feelings for you, then its very unlikely to pose a threat to your chances, heck, it could even help them, ultimately.

I'm trying to push these thoughts away and think clearly about what has the best chances of helping the situation. From what I know, there's no one in her life that she could jump to. Though if I find out that she did, there's no going back for me. The "magic" would be broken for me and I will not go back to her even if she at some point tried to reconcile with me. May seem harsh, but that's one thing I can not overlook. I try not to let this affect my actions. As I said, I made mistakes before by chasing desperately so soon after the break up. I want to do it correctly this time. I still don't know how, what and when though.

I think I will write 2 versions of the letter and show both here. One a bit heavier and one more neutral. I think if the letter is too basic/neutral - it will have the opposite effect of what I want. I don't want it to look like the letter could have been written by chatgpt haha.

[ForeverDad]

If I can go back to one of your earlier posts...

I so wish that she would at least unblock me on 1 messaging app and keep contact, even if minimal, so I'd at least know that she's physically ok.

On the day my spouse and I separated - when the police arrived and asked her to step outside - she had just blocked my email address.  I know because she did it on our shared computer.  Our son was three years old.  To this day I suspect it is still blocked, over 19 years later.  I just checked my email and don't see any emails from her since September 2005.

We did have to contact each other for required parental info sharing, so we limped along with texts and phone calls.

Back to your concern whether she's physically ok, she's an adult and, in addition, as an ex (status at this point) she is doubly not your responsibility.  I know this doesn't emotionally equate with your concern but that is the reality.  Sorry.  We all empathize with you.

[Pook075]

you would be surprised as to how far giving that time to thaw the ice can go, or what developments - like the possibility of her being the one to reach out (which would go a lot better for you) - can happen.

I completely agree.  In my case, my ex would reach out seemingly out of nowhere, and ask the most nonsensible things- like if I remembered where we bought her favorite coffee.  We both knew the answer.  Then we'd chit-chat for a few minutes like everything was normal, and my ex would suddenly have to run.

In essence, she was seeing if the ice had thawed...or maybe she just wanted to hear my voice.  Who knows.  But there were many opportunities to resume conversations.

Waiting it out with radio silence is the best course of action for two reasons.  #1, it's the path that allows you to heal the most and #2, it doesn't push her away.

This is going to sound complicated, but BPD's like to be chased.  Only, after a discard, they take being chased as a bad thing and it pushes them away.  So any action by you can be seen as a big positive or a big negative...and all of us would be guessing to figure out what her mood will be in that exact moment.  That's why letting her come to you is the safest path here.

In a normal, healthy relationship, we'd give the opposite advice and tell you to make a grand gesture like in the movies.  BPD changes everything though.

[CanBuild91]

Hi Pook075, thanks for your perspective. How long after the “final” discard did your ex wait to circle back, and what were some of the longest periods of radio silence where you had to wait? And were things so acrimonious that you were ever blocked after the breakup?

[hex_dzh]

Back to your concern whether she's physically ok, she's an adult and, in addition, as an ex (status at this point) she is doubly not your responsibility.  I know this doesn't emotionally equate with your concern but that is the reality.  Sorry.  We all empathize with you.

I know you're right, logically this is completely correct. But my mind is still in "caretaker" mode if that makes sense. I'm very worried.