Has anyone experienced emotional abuse from pwBPD mainly through WhatsApp?

[Toma]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share my experience and see if anyone else has dealt with something similar. I strongly suspect that my ex had BPD, although she was never formally diagnosed. I'm hoping to confirm whether my suspicions are valid, as I feel that understanding this better could help me break free from my patterns of codependency and fully move on.

I was in a relationship with a pwBPD, and the emotional abuse I endured happened mostly through WhatsApp messages rather than in person. We didn’t live together, which is why most of our communication happened over text.

The pattern was confusing and exhausting. Over the course of six months, she sent me around 14,000 messages—many of them angry, emotionally charged, and sent at all hours, including the middle of the night. She would often send long series of texts, sometimes dozens in a row, especially when I didn’t respond immediately. What was strange is that these outbursts rarely happened face-to-face. If something upset her during a meeting, she’d often leave abruptly without explaining much, and then unleash her frustration later via chat.

Common tactics included:

Accusing me of making her feel terrible ("Look how you make me feel!")

Recalling every past argument to blame me

Constantly bringing up the idea of breaking up with phrases like "Maybe we should just break up"

Sending messages in the middle of the night, making me anxious about what I’d find on my phone in the morning

Acting like nothing happened after her emotional outbursts, which left me confused about how to address the conflict

Flirting with other people online and showing me a picture of a younger guy she was chatting with, asking me things like "Do you think he’s good-looking?"

When I suggested discussing things in person to clear things up, she refused. Her main form of aggression was through text, which kept me on edge and emotionally drained.

Has anyone else been through this kind of digital emotional abuse? Why do some people choose texting as their primary outlet for anger instead of confronting things face-to-face? I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts or similar stories.

And here is a typical flow of such a conversation that she started one night:

November 15, 2024

22:18 - Tomasz: How are you feeling? Would you like me to come over since you’re feeling sad and abandoned? Will you call me?

22:53 - Dorota: I need to rest.
22:53 - Dorota: Maybe tomorrow morning will be a better day.
22:53 - Dorota: Then we can talk.

22:54 - Tomasz: Just call me when you can. Good night.

22:54 - Dorota: Okay.
22:54 - Dorota: Bye.

22:56 - Dorota: Anger and rage are killing me.
22:56 - Dorota: I need to free myself from it.
22:56 - Dorota: Immediately.

22:57 - Dorota: I have no room left for pain.
22:57 - Dorota: Or suffering.
22:57 - Dorota: I give too much of myself.
22:57 - Dorota: And then I drown in it.
22:57 - Dorota: It’s killing me.
22:58 - Dorota: Slowly and very effectively.

November 16, 2024

00:49 - Dorota: I can't be Nobody any longer.
00:49 - Dorota: You really are strange.
00:50 - Dorota: As if you didn't see what a treasure you have.
00:50 - Dorota: I'm writing without anger.
00:50 - Dorota: I have no strength.
00:51 - Dorota: But I also know I won't keep hurting myself any longer.
00:54 - Dorota: People change, fix what's painful, but only those who want to!
00:55 - Dorota: You didn't even try…!!!
01:02 - Dorota: The time will come when you'll realize what was and is wrong here.
01:05 - Dorota: And who messed up here...

05:01 - Tomasz: I'm worried about you, and that's why I won't talk on the messenger anymore because it's toxic for both of us.
05:03 - Tomasz: Please call me when you can. You will always be met with kindness from me.

12:13 - Dorota: Fine. I won't write.
12:14 - Dorota: I'll call when I calm down.
12:14 - Dorota: You don't have to worry about me.
12:14 - Dorota: It is what it is.

12:15 - Tomasz: Thank you. I do care. I'll wait for your call.

12:18 - Dorota: Okay.

12:55 - Dorota: I can't go again and watch your eyes wander to another woman.
12:55 - Dorota: It kills me, Tomasz.

12:57 - Dorota: Go to hell with all of them if you can't focus enough on me and my presence.
Apparently, we're not meant for each other. I was stupid and naive to think otherwise.

12:58 - Dorota: I don't want to be sick.
12:58 - Dorota: Because of all this, I’ve started to get really sick.
12:59 - Dorota: In the summer of 2023, I was full of health and energy.
12:59 - Dorota: What am I fighting with...
12:59 - Dorota: For what?
12:59 - Dorota: It is what it is.

13:00 - Dorota: Now I don't even have the strength to take care of myself and slowly get back to health!
13:00 - Dorota: And where are you now?
13:01 - Dorota: Take care of yourself.
13:01 - Dorota: I have no strength.
13:01 - Dorota: For anything.
13:01 - Dorota: I'm looking for light, and I can’t see it anymore.

13:06 - Dorota: When all those unhealthy signs appeared, I was desperately fighting for your attention.
13:07 - Dorota: It started to hurt me deeply.
13:07 - Dorota: I have no space or energy left to fight.
13:07 - Dorota: For attention, for presence, for respect.
13:07 - Dorota: You can't give me that.

13:08 - Dorota: You try as much as you can, but nothing comes out of it.
13:08 - Dorota: I demand, and you slowly adjust.
13:08 - Dorota: Like in some kind of game.

13:09 - Dorota: That's what comes to my mind.
13:09 - Dorota: I don’t want to fight for anything anymore.
13:09 - Dorota: If you don’t see me as the most important person here.

13:10 - Dorota: You blurted something about me being "the only one."
13:10 - Dorota: What does that even mean?
13:10 - Dorota: Because I really don’t see it at all.
13:10 - Dorota: Where are you?

13:11 - Dorota: When I can barely function now.
13:11 - Dorota: It only drained my energy.
13:11 - Dorota: Burned me out.
13:11 - Dorota: And what? I’m alone now.
13:11 - Dorota: That’s me, your "one and only."

13:15 - Dorota: You can't even spare money for a stupid symbolic flower.
13:15 - Dorota: That's how important I am.

13:16 - Dorota: And that thing with Ebay lately...
13:16 - Dorota: So I wouldn’t accidentally buy something from your account.
13:16 - Dorota: It was so humiliating.

13:17 - Dorota: Instead of wanting to make me happy, take care of me, or bring me joy...
13:17 - Dorota: Whatever.
13:17 - Dorota: You don’t care about me.
13:18 - Dorota: Nor about my peace of mind.
13:18 - Dorota: Nor about my well-being.

13:18 - Dorota: I gave everything I had and could.
13:19 - Dorota: I have nothing more to give.
13:19 - Dorota: I’m burned out.

13:25 - Dorota: Closeness and tenderness are important.
13:25 - Dorota: But not on terms where one person just adjusts to the other.
13:25 - Dorota: And plays along like it’s some game.

13:26 - Dorota: I had to vent.
13:26 - Dorota: Now think whatever you want.
13:26 - Dorota: If you cared about me, you would’ve been here long ago.

13:31 - Dorota: You’re always admiring all those girls and their dresses.

and soo on the whole day.....

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  That text series did ring true with BPD and could be the underlying cause.  Here's what I saw that gave me that impression:

1) A tremendous fear of abandonment and being alone.

2) Saying she can't talk, but blaming you for not talking.  BPDs say one thing but expect another (because they're dysregulated).

3) Suicidal ideation and constant mood swings.

4) Splitting- painting you black (bad) and then expecting a normal conversation a few hours later.  This is a hallmark of BPD.

5) Extreme jealousy with steady accusations.

We're not here to diagnose, but since this relationship is in your past I don't see the harm in guessing that it sounds/feels like BPD/NPD.  I hope that helps.

[Toma]

Thanks for your response and for taking the time to analyze what I wrote.

There’s something terrifying about how people with BPD can twist reality, make you doubt your own perception, and constantly manipulate emotions—it’s absolutely draining.

One of the most toxic moments I remember was when Dorota started "punishing" me for things that existed only in her mind. One day, she sent me a long series of messages saying that she had been unable to get out of bed all day because "her heart broke when she saw how I looked at another woman."

But here’s the thing—I wasn’t looking at anyone. We were in a shopping mall, and I must have briefly glanced in a certain direction. In a place like that, there are advertisements and posters of women everywhere. I don’t even remember seeing any specific image, let alone staring at anything inappropriate. Yet, in her mind, that was enough to accuse me of humiliating her, betraying her, and treating her like she was invisible.

And it didn’t stop there. From that moment on, every time she had an emotional outburst, she would bring up this so-called "incident" and throw it in my face. She became obsessed with it. She even went online, found the exact advertisement she believed I had looked at, and started sending it to me, writing things like:
"I found it. This is the type of woman you like, right? Younger, prettier? That’s what you really want, isn't it?"

She used it as a weapon, repeatedly bringing it up as if it were some undeniable proof of my betrayal. No matter what I said, no matter how much I reassured her, she kept returning to this imaginary crime, making me feel like I had done something terrible when in reality, I had done absolutely nothing.

And of course, she blamed me for her declining physical health because of it. She wrote things like:
"You're making me sick. I have heart arrhythmia, and you don't even see it. I used to be full of energy, and now, because of you, I have no strength to fight for myself."

It made me feel like a monster, even though I had done absolutely nothing wrong. I felt responsible for something completely out of my control—which I now realize was exactly the point.

[Pook075]

It made me feel like a monster, even though I had done absolutely nothing wrong. I felt responsible for something completely out of my control—which I now realize was exactly the point.

Here's the thing about BPD- what she accused you of was imaginary, she completely invented the problem in her mind.  But the pain she felt was just as real as if you had an affair.  And in her mind, because you diminished it and acted like nothing happened, it was like a twisting knife.

Again, I realize you didn't cheat and "did nothing wrong".  But defending yourself over her mental illness only made things much worse.  So many here have the same story- any sign of abandonment leads to disordered thinking and the relationship fractures.  Honestly, it's heartbreaking for everyone involved- her and you.