SIL with BPD

[grayhedgehog]

 

My sister-in-law has BPD (based on how licensed therapists have described her behavior), and her "episodes" are becoming more frequent. She shouts and screams, completely out of control and unable to reason with. She gets triggered for basically nothing / completely unpredictably. She is harassing and verbally abusing my wife, making threats, and hurting the lives of the people around her. She has behaved this way since childhood, but lately it is becoming even more frequent and severe.

We are "no contact" with her but feel unsure how to keep ourselves safe if she tries to attack / harass us further. For example, she has threatened to try and get us fired (and we have seen her do this to other people before during her episodes). Also I am concerned she may have access to firearms.

Personally I think it is well past the point where we should get a restraining order, law enforcement etc. involved. I have talked to my wife about this and she agrees. However I do feel afraid that SIL being "served" a restraining order might trigger her to aggress against us further...and I am not convinced it will do much to deter her from aggression during one of her episodes anyway. Advice? 

[HappyChappy]

Personally I think it is well past the point where we should get a restraining order,

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with this, but can you expand on that statement ? Normally, the longer it goes on, the easier it is to get a restraining order.

Only a psychiatrist can diagnosis BPD, so therapists will be giving you their opinions, based on what you tell them.

But if she does have BPD, then they fear abandonment, hence you may well get a torrid of threats, but if you remain "no contact" then these will die down over time (hopefully). So a restraining order might well encourage more. Just keep evidence of the threats (emails voice messages) and hopefully you'll never need to use that evidence.

[HappyChappy]

PS if someone did want to get you sacked, they probably wouldn't incriminate you before hand. If that helps ? 

[HappyChappy]

... incriminate themselves (not you) before hand.

[kells76]

Hi grayhedgehog, joining with HappyChappy to wish you a warm

Your situation sounds so stressful -- wondering if your job is on the line because of someone else's actions just adds another layer of worry, for sure.

I'm assuming that you and your W live in the same area as your SIL; is that true?

Does she know the physical location where you work, or just contact info (phone/web site)?

When she is out of control, and/or harassing your W, what does that look like? Is it only verbal? Does she hit, scratch, punch, run at, get in your W's face, spit? Does she key cars, kick things, slash tires, break/push things? Does she stalk/follow?

...

I had to call CPS last year due to some things my H's kids told us (their mom has many BPD traits, and she is married to someone with many NPD traits). I told my manager, my supervisor, and HR that an investigation was going on, and that I wasn't sure if the kids' mom/stepdad would try to contact my work or not. The kids' mom does know the physical location where I work. I let work know I had no idea if they would show up physically, make phone calls, send emails, or do nothing, but I wanted them to be aware ahead of time.

Ultimately, they didn't try anything at my work -- so, like HappyChappy hinted at, sometimes there's a lot of talk but no action:

if someone did want to get you sacked, they probably wouldn't incriminate themselves before hand.

That being said, you know your situation the best, and if you're at the level of considering a RO, I understand it's serious.

Have you consulted with your local police department or any local lawyers yet? That would be a good start for getting information to make a wise decision. My understanding is you can call up or walk in at the PD, describe your situation, and get some feedback. You might also be able to request that they put your concerns "on the record" without a full RO; but again, check with them to understand your options.

You may be able to "interview" a few lawyers for free or for lower cost (i.e. no retainer needed); again, if describe your situation, they can help you know how things typically go in your area, and may be able to share new ideas with you for how to handle your SIL's behavior, besides an RO (though, of course, that might end up being the best option).

Another very good resource is the book The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker. While it's been many years since I read it, I believe there is a section on RO's with a discussion of the pros and cons. Could be helpful for you and your wife, because like the two of you recognize, sometimes an RO can inflame a situation.

Any of those options sound do-able?

Fill us in more on how you both are doing, when you get the chance;

kells76

[CC43]

Hi there,

I have a BIL with undiagnosed NPD. He is a heavy drinker, depressed, angry, very manipulative and aggressive. He used to have enough weapons to fill a small armory, and to intimidate his enemies he’d get his weapons out and make thinly veiled threats. My sister got a temporary restraining order against him, but it expired. She remains on edge because he can be unpredictable, especially when under the influence.

Anyway, when he was at his most unstable, I thought he might come around my place looking to hurt my sister, if he suspected I was hiding her when she fled from the marital home.  (She and her kids did stay with me for a couple of nights as they made their escape.). One thing I did, in an abundance of caution, was talk to the local police in my town. I said I feared my BIL might come looking to hurt me or my sister at my house, when he discovered that she had fled her home after domestic violence. The police asked for the make and model of his car, and the license plate number. I requested that if I called for help in the next week, when things were tensest, that the police respond right away. Though I never had to make a call, it did make me feel better to take that precautionary step. When I talked to the police, I felt like they handled that sort of situation frequently.

In addition, I learned that area police keep an eye on “high risk” individuals like my BIL, and they keep a file on him too. For example, he was recently brought into a police station 45 minutes away from his home for erratic behavior, and the station proceeded to call the police in his hometown to make inquiries. The hometown police had a long file on the man, including my sister’s cell phone number, and she was called to ask her to pick up her ex, but she refused. The police couldn’t charge him, but they felt he wasn’t fit to drive, so they ended up taking him to the hospital, where he was treated for nearly two weeks.

I guess what I’m saying is that if you fear violence, you might talk to the local police.

[grayhedgehog]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for your replies. They helped me and my wife feel less overwhelmed and more safe and empowered in the midst of the BPD family member in our lives, whose presence (and dramas) often feels all-consuming. Writing the first post itself was also very therapeutic.

The good news--since my post we have kept to mostly no contact / limited contact, and SIL seems to have moved on from making us a target of her rages. Because of that and also some of the advice on the thread, we also decided to not move forward with pursuing an RO at this time, since it feels like it could provoke her without offering us much immediate benefit. Not to mention require paperwork etc.

Other insight now that I'm in a space of having been low / no contact for awhile--what I really needed was to set some energetic boundaries around what I need to feel safe. That started with admitting I did not feel safe, and talking with my wife about it. Now that things have died down, nothing came of SIL's threats, and I feel safe again--it's easier for me to see that the overwhelming fear I felt before was really a signal / message for me to take action around getting SIL way, way, way further from the "center of gravity" in my life. To use a solar system analogy: I needed to make her more like Pluto or a distant asteroid, rather than the Sun or Jupiter. I can't change who she is and how much she hurts herself and the people around her but...I don't needed to let it ruin my day and my life too!

--

HappyChappy - I felt it is past the point where we should get a restraining order because SIL has made threats to us multiple times, sometimes vague (saying something like "you need to think about what you have to lose") and sometimes specific (mostly about getting someone fired). She has actually tried to get my wife fired from her job in the past as well, and I know she has done that kind of thing to others in her life too recently she was raging at. SIL's BPD is not an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist. It is an opinion of several therapists my wife has talked to about the situation. Haha, that is a good logical point about someone not incriminating themselves but...logic is not usually a priority for SIL when she is raging!

kells76 - thankfully we have a few hours of distance from SIL, and she does not know much about where we work now (though it is public info / probably not hard for her to find out). Since we live in different cities, the harassing is mostly verbal at this point. She has assaulted people, destroyed property etc. to others she has raged at in the past, but not to me or my wife. She does not stalk...she is moreso the "avoidant" type. Wow I'm sorry to hear you had to call CPS, but glad that it turned out the BPD mom / NPD dad turned out to be all talk. We actually did talk to the police in the city that SIL lives in. We actually called them to do a wellness check on her one time when she was threatening to kill herself...the police told us she is all talk though and that we should just accept that "sometimes you need to let people go from your life when they're toxic even if they're family" . We have not talked to our local police or lawyers yet, but that is a good point about the "on the record" request. Appreciate the book recommendation. Thanks!

CC43, thank you for sharing your story. Wow that sounds like a really scary situation. But glad to hear you took steps to keep you and your loved ones safe, and that the police were helpful / responsive and already had a file on the NPD BIL. And glad to hear that you never had to make the call (but were ready to if needed). I have been thinking about putting in a security system, getting a gun, an attack dog...maybe also a moat with crocodiles? Lol. On a serious note - one of my fears is SIL doing something crazy like burning our house down when we are out of town.

[CC43]

On a serious note - one of my fears is SIL doing something crazy like burning our house down when we are out of town.
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Hi there, you might consider installing a door camera, which might provide peace of mind.  Being friendly with neighbors can help too--just knowing that neighbors are on the lookout for unusual activity can be comforting.  You might consider not informing your relatives of your whereabouts, and avoiding posting any clues on social media, if you think your SIL is stalking you online.  To be honest, whenever possible I avoided telling the pwBPD in my life of vacation plans, because she always seemed to have a crisis as we departed, either intentionally or unintentionally, I'll never know for sure.  Leaving for vacation could trigger feelings of abandonment, or the very least jealousy.  Maybe she's upset that others seem to be happy, and she wants to spoil the happiness to teach a lesson.  So in summary, keep the communications as superficial as possible, especially when she seems unstable.

Just my two cents.