Should i ask my bpd ex if he wants to get back together

[ningrinas]

hi everyone

i am wondering if it would be a bad idea to ask my ex if he would want to get back together. we were together for almost five years and he ended things 5 days ago because of lots of school/university stress and feeling emotionally drained because university made him feel like our relationship was a daily assignment to fufill, not because of fights or lack of love. we have still been talking occasionally the same as if we were still together and he seems happier now, which has been really hard for me to process.

i do not want to push him or make him feel pressured, but i also do not know if waiting and hoping is the right move. if someone with bpd breaks up due to feeling overwhelmed, is it ever helpful to bring up reconciliation or does that usually make things worse? i am trying to be mindful of his space and emotions, but i also do not want to leave things unsaid if there is a chance he might be open to it.

would it be better to wait and see if he comes to that realization on his own, or is there a way to bring it up without making him feel trapped? any advice would be appreciated, thank you very much

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[Under The Bridge]

Hi, sorry to hear you're having problems - every case of BPD is different, even though the characteristics are usually the same so it's hard to know what to do for the best, whether to make contact or just wait and see if they show any signs of wanting to reconnect.

In my own case, I always had to make the first move as she would still come to places we went to and it was clear she was checking if I was still there, even if she appeared not to be interested. Just like the breakups, the makeups also tend to form a patterm.

Do you still have contact with him in everyday life, to say 'hello' to or has he cut off all contact? BPD's can have an 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude and can literally forget someone if they don't see them. All part of their black and white thinking.

It may be worth sending a short, casual message just to let him know you're still there and are asking how he's doing. Nothing heavy or too intense. I always did this and at least it keeps you in their mind. I definitely know that my ex would never have contacted me first even if she wanted to, it was just the nature of her particular BPD.

As I said, every case is different but I found that a lot of the time with a BPD relstionship it's up to us to do a lot of the work and take the lead if we want it to continue.

Best wishes.

[ningrinas]

 thank you so much for sharing your experience Under The Bridge, that really helps a lot. we’ve actually still been in contact, he texted me first yesterday and mentioned his typography project to me since we're both graphic designers, but the convo was kind of short. he also said he was okay with me sending him our 4 year anniversary gifts . im kind of torn because i don’t want to be the one to always reach out, but at the same time, i feel like he might not contact me if i don’t. i really want to reconnect but i don’t want to pressure him either. do you think i should keep things casual and check in with him or just give him more space?

[Notwendy]

I think this depends more on what you can handle. If keeping in frequent contact feels hurtful to you (like you are the only one initiating contact) then decrease the times you contact him. It may also keep you from recovering from this situation as it keeps you attached. For some people, they need to not have contact for their own emotional recovery.

This is a friend since childhood, so it makes sense if the two of you want to have some connection, even if not as partners, if each of you can manage this emotionally.

You could ask him to get back together- if you are prepared for his answer. Again, this is about you, as you can't know what someone else is thinking or feeling. If hearing his response gives you clarity, then if may be worth doing but don't pressure, just ask.

[ningrinas]

that makes a lot of sense, thank you for sharing.
he's actually been the one initiating contact more, he’s sent me tiktoks and said hello on instagram a few times to talk about random stuff. it’s only been about five days since we broke up, so i’m not really sure when the right time would be to ask if he wants to get back together without pushing him away. i still really want to be friends with him either way. i checked in with him three days ago and he said he'd been feeling happier and had more energy to do things. i told him i wasn’t feeling too good and we ended the convo there. i guess i’m trying to be patient and see how things naturally play out?

[Under The Bridge]

Glad he contacted you. One thing I forgot to ask in my earlier post was if this was the first time he'd broken up with you in the five years?  You don't mention previous breakups - which usually happen far earlier in a BPD relationship once the idealisation phase wears off and the cycle begins.  If there have been no previous breakups with classic BPD characteristics then maybe BPD is not the cause.

Is it possible this is not BPD but stress caused by his college work? Everyone can suffer from work-related stress and it can cause them to back away from family and partners and act erratically. It's good to see he's feeling more settled and confident now.

In any event, best not to rock the boat and push things, just play it by ear now that he's shown he still wants to talk to you. Only you can decide what to say and the right moment to say it.

[ningrinas]

Is it possible this is not BPD but stress caused by his college work? Everyone can suffer from work-related stress and it can cause them to back away from family and partners and act erratically. It's good to see he's feeling more settled and confident now.

this is the first time he’s fully gone through with a breakup. the other three times he wanted to break up because of his bpd, we decided to take a break instead of fully breaking up, but that only made his symptoms worse and caused both of us a lot of anxiety. so this time, he chose a breakup, maybe to see how things would feel.

i do agree it could be related to school stress and not just bpd, but whenever his bpd symptoms have been more intense, it’s always been around midterms or exams.

[Notwendy]

i told him i wasn’t feeling too good and we ended the convo there. i guess i’m trying to be patient and see how things naturally play out?

Consider this- pwBPD have difficulty handling their own emotions. By mentioning yours, he ended the conversation.

This is something to reflect on. Sit with yourself on this idea. What is the connection between the two of you (other than romantic). Is it you being a support person for his feelings? Is this reciprocal? Is it drama between you?

Then consider what you want from another person in a relationship? Do you want someone with whom you can share your feelings with too? Is he able to do that?

With your feelings being hurt right now, it's hard to look at this objectively. People do change as they mature- and while there aren't any perfect people, who we are compatible with as teens may be different as we grow emotionally. Sometimes friendships change with different situations.

While you may want to go back to what the two of you were, it may be that your ex has grown in a different direction, or that he wants to, or he's overwhelmed. It's possible you won't know all the reasons why. It's a positive thing that he's contacting you. One idea is to interact with him at the emotional level of his interactions. If he's sending you a funny Tik Toc reel or hello- match the level of his reaching out with a "like" and a short message back. Contact him with similar context if you feel like it. You don't have to be dishonest about your feelings if he asks you how you are- but also be aware - if sharing too much shuts the conversation down.

[ningrinas]

Consider this- pwBPD have difficulty handling their own emotions. By mentioning yours, he ended the conversation.

This is something to reflect on. Sit with yourself on this idea. What is the connection between the two of you (other than romantic). Is it you being a support person for his feelings? Is this reciprocal? Is it drama between you?

Then consider what you want from another person in a relationship? Do you want someone with whom you can share your feelings with too? Is he able to do that?

With your feelings being hurt right now, it's hard to look at this objectively. People do change as they mature- and while there aren't any perfect people, who we are compatible with as teens may be different as we grow emotionally. Sometimes friendships change with different situations.

While you may want to go back to what the two of you were, it may be that your ex has grown in a different direction, or that he wants to, or he's overwhelmed. It's possible you won't know all the reasons why. It's a positive thing that he's contacting you. One idea is to interact with him at the emotional level of his interactions. If he's sending you a funny Tik Toc reel or hello- match the level of his reaching out with a "like" and a short message back. Contact him with similar context if you feel like it. You don't have to be dishonest about your feelings if he asks you how you are- but also be aware - if sharing too much shuts the conversation down.

i think we’ve been reciprocating each other pretty well after the breakup. he’s been open to talking, and i’ve matched his level of interaction. last night we had a really open and honest conversation where i shared how i’d been feeling and we checked in on eachother, and he responded in a thoughtful way without shutting down or pulling away. he even told me to reach out if i’m overthinking or need reassurance which feels like a good sign. he also mentioned to me  that he feels healthier and healed since the breakup like he’s been focusing on taking care of himself more and finding ways to have a better mindset. i’m still trying to process everything, but it doesn’t feel onesided

[ningrinas]

update?
thanks so much for the advice so far ! it’s really helped me process things well. i’m planning to check in with him in about 3 weeks when he’s on his spring break and hopefully feeling less overwhelmed. i really want to approach it in a way that respects where he’s at emotionally without putting pressure on him.

do you think 3 weeks is a good amount of time to give him space before bringing up the idea of reconnecting, or should i wait longer since the breakup just happened last week? also, any advice on how to word that conversation would be really helpful. i want to keep it low pressure but also be clear that i’m open to working things out with him

thank you i really appreciate all the help, this forum has been very helpful to me so far.