Is criticism of Gene Hackman's children triggering?

[zachira]

I have seen so much criticism in social media of Gene Hackman's children, why they were not in contact with him? His wife was the same age as some of his daughters. It seems few people get it that maybe he was not a good father, and not someone his daughters wanted to be in contact with or possibly only interested in having limited contact with. What do you think?

[Notwendy]

I haven't been keeping up with that news but from what I have read, it sounds sad.

I don't think people understand the situation for children unless they also experienced it.

We have a neighbor, a widower. I didn't know him well but neighbors would talk about him- his house was in disarray. His daughter lived nearby. So I began to ask- has anyone contacted social services? Where is his daughter? But with more questioning, it became more obvious to me that this was not the daughter being neglectful, and more that he was difficult to deal with.

I haven't read the criticism of Gene Hackman's children but it doesn't surprise me. I don't think it would be triggering as I just expect it- for some people, they just can't get it and I don't expect them to.

[HappyChappy]

You may well have a point zachria, but we know so little of the facts and they're filtered through gossip and the glazed eyes of fans who've never met anyone involved. No doubt the "unconscious bias" will be strongly against the children, but they're probably use to it by now and realize it's those that know them that matter.  Well, that's what I chose to believe.

[Pook075]

When it comes to the internet and free speech, you'll never please everyone since the facts simply don't matter.

Over the years, I've heard that Hackman was difficult to deal with personally.  Professionally he was fantastic, but personally he was very private.  No idea if that was true or not since I'm doing exactly what I just criticized the world for.  But life and relationships are complicated; we shouldn't judge from the outside looking in.

[Notwendy]

No doubt the "unconscious bias" will be strongly against the children, but they're probably use to it by now and realize it's those that know them that matter.  Well, that's what I chose to believe.

That's a good point. I am not sure one gets completely used to it but it's not unexpected to be misjudged. Also - with a BPD parent- the parent blames other people and this can be the child too.

I think where it feels hurtful is when someone who does know us makes that judgment. They may not know the whole picture but they aren't strangers either.

Also, did anyone call the children? BPD mother has told people to not speak to me in the past. From what I have read, the wife took ill and then Gene did. Maybe they didn't call the children.

Of course this is all speculation. I agree, the family is used to tabloid style gossip. I do hope that family is available for the children and doesn't blame them. That would be difficult for them.

[Notwendy]

I think there is a tendency towards negative bias towards adult children if their situation is different but it feels more difficult when it involves people we know. I felt misjudged by my mother's FOO when my father passed and because of that, it's hard to trust in a relationship with them. When communicating with my BPD mother's family about her, I felt I had to present all facts and details to them, to somehow prove that best possible decisions were made, even if they didn't feel that was necessary.

Gene Hackman's children grew up in show business. They know social image is not all real, so I wouldn't think they'd be too bothered by what the public says about them. However, I do believe they are experiencing their own personal grief. They may not want the public attention but they likely understand this is part of being children of a celebrity.

What I do object to is the posts and videos that discuss the increase in parental alienation as a current "trend". It's not a trend like the latest Tiktoc dance, its way more complicated and also includes a lot of different situations into one group.  It's not possible to condense the kind of emotionally difficult decision and consequences for adult child and parent in one 3 minute social media reel. The posts on these boards- parent, child, sibling, romantic partner- are about situations that are emotionally difficult and complicated.  I assume it's this way for Gene Hackman's children too.

[Notwendy]

So, being curious, I decided to read about what happened. Some things just don't add up- but looking through the lense ( which is speculation ) of the situation with my own parents, I have some ideas.

From what I have read, the wife (not the mother of the children) was the caregiver for Gene, who had advanced Alzheimer's. She passed quickly from an illness and so Gene, lost a caregiver.

Nobody knew- as everyone assumed he was being taken care of.

So to some of the comments- how is it that nobody knew? The situation with my parents is that people assumed my BPD mother was caretaker for my ailing father. While BPD mother did accept household help, when a home health provider came to the house, eventually something happened that she didn't like and so my parents stopped it. It is possible that Gene and his wife didn't allow caregivers to come to the house.

Or, they could not afford it. People assume celebrities are wealthy but we know the stories of celebrities who were not.

People are posting "where were the children?" It's possible that there were Karpman triangle dynamics involved. The wife was not the children's biological mother. She may have made it difficult for them to visit.

Then there is this comment people are posting "the children weren't there but they will come around for their inheritance". People assume celebrities have money. But whether or not they have money- that doesn't mean it goes to the kids.

It's quite possible there's no inheritance at all for them and they have known that. It's also possible that money wasn't the motivator for them to want a relationship with their father. I think it's degrading to think kids only want the inheritance. They have no idea of the dynamics the adult children may be dealing with.

I just saw a picture of Gene's youngest daughter, age 58. She doesn't look like a wealthy celebrity stepping out, knowing the paparazzi will be there. Her hair isn't professionally done and it doesn't look like she has make up on. No designer outfit. No smile either. She looks like I'd expect someone to look like when grieving, where the sense of time is fuzzy and days blur together.

One thing I did learn is that people may have opinions, but they don't have a clue what goes on between family members. It's possible the adult kids want to keep it this way. If Gene was a beloved celebrity- then perhaps they wish to let this be how it is, and not change it.

[zachira]

What has really bothered me about the harsh judgments of Gene Hackman's children, is we really don't know what the relationships were like between Gene, his  wife, and Gene's children. Just because Gene Hackman was a great actor, does not mean he was a great person. People often fall for the charm of a celebrity and assume that they are also wonderful people. It is the people closest to a person that know that person best, how the person behaves when not in public.

[Notwendy]

Yes, the criticism of the children is upsetting. People outside the family won't ever know.

The children may want to just let people believe what they believe. Trying to defend yourself as the child already being criticised just makes the children look worse "how dare they say that about their parent".

I know that people with BPD can have different relationships with different people. If there are people who loved my mother,  and thought she was wonderful- then they deserve to have their nice memories.

If people thought Gene Hackman was wonderful- maybe he was to them, and maybe he really was.

As children of celebrities, I think the kids know there can be a difference between public image and the person's "ordinary life".

The "oh they will show up for the inheritance" irks me. If the kids are estranged it's been emotionally difficult for them, independent of whether or not they inherit anything.

It's also possible he does have uncaring kids but one can not assume that.

[Notwendy]

News reports are that the children were not named as beneficiaries in his will. I think his wife was his beneficiary. Now, I think the children will be considered according to inheritance laws if no other beneficiaries are named.

People think of a will in terms of money. But there's an emotional aspect to being named or not named in a will. If someone is cut out of a will- they are effectively disowned, and there's an emotional aspect to that. We don't know what happened between them, but this gesture, emotionally says "you are not my child" and regardless of why this happened, it feels hurtful. It's also a permanent statement.

It doesn't matter if someone has $1 to leave or millions, to be disconnected by a parent- has an emotional impact. Maybe the children were estranged because they were angry about the money, or possibly because they didn't feel they belonged there or that he even wanted them to.

If Gene cut off his kids, even if they do get the inheritance, it won't repair the uncertainty or hurt feelings for them. They will know it's by sheer accident and fate, not because he wanted them to have it.