Hello mooseontheloose and a warm
It makes sense that while on the one hand, it's like you've won the lottery -- your wife is improving and engaging with some positive changes -- on the other hand, you're still dealing with the fallout of some really bad years.
I wonder if it's like the floodgates have opened for your inner stuff to process, now that her crises and needs are taking up less of your bandwidth. Back then, maybe, it was just survival -- now you have more mental space, maybe more energy, and all the stuff you didn't process back then, is coming up. Does that fit at all?
She is doing everything she can to heal; she's going to group meetings, buys and studies books to improve her coping skills, goes to zoom lectures for support, and commits a lot of her life to improving. These things take time though, and I think it might be years before she heals enough that our home doesn't feel inhabitable to me for a few days each week.
What are the things happening that contribute to home feeling uninhabitable for a few days a week?
The bad times lately have not only been rough but have felt rougher for me because I'm now much more conscious of the things I let slide over the years. She used to be so terrible to me. These days she is mostly just terrible to herself, but in my orbit and in our home, which inevitably infects my days and life with her deep gloom and pain. I used to be able to shake it off more but now I find her self hate creeping into my own speech which terrifies me. It's like she's planted seeds for me to hate myself, life in general, AND her, and after all these years of watering those plants they're finally growing. I don't recognize the love I used to have for her anymore. I still love her deeply, but it's different now, stained by all the things she's done and said. She's said again and again that she doesn't deserve my love, and my mind finally believes her.
Can I ask if you're getting any therapy or counseling for yourself?
Decisions about staying or leaving, moving out or remaining at home, are big. When we're emotionally overwhelmed, we're not in a great place to make wise big decisions. I rarely "hard sell" therapy -- more try to suggest or recommend it -- but with what you've been through and how you're feeling right now, it seems like an incredibly important source of support for you. A therapist isn't going to tell you what to do (move out or not), but will help you get clarity on your own choices, and disentangle emotional processing from other decision making.
It could be worth it to process all of this with a safe, neutral third party for a while, and then reassess. It's at least an approach -- you don't have to decide "move or not" immediately, but you could still choose to move out down the road, if after processing it's still something you need or want.
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I didn't hear you mention any kids; do you two have any? Checking because that is a big, big factor with moving out.
And does your W have an official BPD diagnosis?
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I'm wondering if anyone has experience moving out while still in a relationship; did it help heal the relationship? Has anyone's relationship come back stronger after a separation like this? Or did it lead to eventually splitting from your partner? Did it help you heal to get time apart? Any stories are appreciated.
I do remember reading a member's story from a long time ago (might be archived by now). He and his dBPDw (diagnosed BPD wife) had 4 kids, and she had some significant psychotic episodes that landed her in the hospital multiple times. Because one episode occurred while she and the kids were at home, CPS became involved, and the safety plan was that she did not parent them alone -- there always had to be another adult around while she was with the kids. If I recall correctly, she moved out for a while, the two of them followed the safety plan, and eventually she did move back in. She was receiving DBT treatment (both DBT group and individual) and I think saw a psychiatrist as well, and was generally compliant with treatment. Even so, from what I read, she still had "in bed most of the day" episodes, and intimacy was lacking in their relationship. When able, she was able to parent OK for a couple hours at a time, but required significant support from the member with driving the kids, making them dinner, putting them to bed, etc. Essentially he was a solo parent despite her technically moving back in. For them, that was as good as it got... and it was "workable" for him.
I also think I remember that they had a therapist working with them pretty intensely on a "move out/move in" schedule. It was not DIY by any means. There was a third party involved "coaching"/"refereeing" the process and it was very specifically written out, not a "if/when I feel like it" think. Generally, therapeutic separations need high levels of coaching and structure to be successful. If you aren't already seeing a therapist, asking one about a structured therapeutic separation could be a good question.
So yes, couples where one partner has BPD have come back together after one moves out. Each situation is so unique, though, that it's hard to say how it would go for you two. It is very positive that your W seems so engaged in treatment, so that is a good sign.
Fill us in more about how things are going, whenever you have a chance;
kells76
