How can i be the good guy?

[ArleighBurke]

My BPDw often talks about having "her own space" in the house. Mind you, she has "her study" (2mx2m), and she has "her corner" in the lounge room (full of her nail stuff), and our bedroom has been decorated by her - there's nothing really of "mine" there. She also has her work office she can access 24/7 - about 20mins away. But she feels like she can't relax - she can't "get away" from the kids and me to her own space. She jokes about getting a 1-bedroom apartment nearby that she can retreat to.

I've said that her study is her space - no-one goes in there - but she says that the kids will knock on the door and not leave her alone, and that if she is in the house she will always be "listening out" for them and can't relax. I've suggested walling in the door, and converting the window to a door so that the room is only accessibile from the verandah. But she says that she'll still feel "inside the house".

She's been looking at "outside rooms" for a while. These are 3mx3m "cabins", some are like kids cubbies, with lining and aircon that she wants to setup as her "outside office". She says that an outside room will make her feel "away" and she will be able to relax and not worry about everyone. I'm not quite sure when she'll use it - weeknights probably after 7pm (but the kids go to bed anyway - and I always offer to retreat to the bedroom so that she can have the house to herself - but she says if she knows I'm in the house she can't relax) - and maybe on the weekends.

The rooms are $7k+. I've talked with her, and said that I understand that she wants the feeling of being able to "turn off", being able to not worry about the family, to be able to relax. But I said that my gut feel was that the outside room wouldn't give that for her. I'm not sure, so I suggested we try a temporary (and cheaper) solution first to test it. I offered to get a temporary "building site office" delivered to our driveway - we could rent that for a few weeks and she can use it and see how she feels. She said that it wouldn't be the same, because "she'll know it's temporary". I said we could hire a caravan and park it on the street - same thing.

I really feel for her - I KNOW that she wants to relax her mind - and I can feel her pain - but i can also see that she is trying to find an external solution yet the solution is INSIDE her - she needs to work this out with her psych - but she can't.

(This is the same as when she told me years ago that she would use a gym if it was setup right. She proposed we convert the garage to the gym by adding carpet and aircon, and build a new carport in the driveway. I compromised and put down "temporary" carpet, no aircon, and parked the car outside for a month. She used the gym 0 times. I removed the gym and parked inside again). And I understand that this is a BPD thing - they constantly search for external solutions to their internal pain.

Of course I want to help her, but I'm pretty sure that if I pay $7k to get a room, within a few weeks she won't be using it because it doesn't do what she wants, and I'll have wasted that money. I'm happy to be proven wrong, hence trying to get a temporary solution first.

But what do I do? I'm currently the bad guy - denying her what she feels is the solution to all her problems. Realistically she works full time, earning as much as me, so half of our savings are hers. If she feels strongly enough about it - it really is her money. I just know it's a big waste.

Thoughts?

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[Notwendy]

I think the issue is trying to be the good guy in a situation. ( hero).  This smacks of the drama triangle. She comes to you to rescue her discomfort by asking you for what she thinks is the solution. This goes against your better judgment. Your dilemma is to trust your judgement and be the "bad guy" in her eyes, or spend 7K on something you don't want to buy and be the "good guy".

Indulge her or betray yourself ( your higher judgement and your finances)?

Growing up, I observed this kind of thing in my parents and it looked like a search for the Holy Grail. My BPD mother would decide that the solution to the relationship problems with my father was some kind of vacation, event, or situation that he had to come up with. As they got older and I began discussing retirement communities- they would fixate on one of them- it had to be THE one, and nothing else would do. If that one was not available- then none of the others would do. Logically, there isn't just one place that is acceptable- there are choices, but if one was the one- then all the others had to be bad.

Once my mother wanted a certain computer and I went out with my father to get it. When we got to the store, I noticed one on sale. It wasn't the ONE- but it was a good one that had all the features she would want. I suggested it and my father said- no we have to get the one she wants.

This is black and white thinking. If the certain office your wife wants ( or vacation, or retirement community or computer) is the one she wants-then nothing else would do.

Honestly, if any one of these things was the real solution- the right vacation, the right computer, the right retirement center- my father would have gladly provided them- in an instant. I would have too. I was enmeshed in the family quest to do all I could to "fix' my mother's discomfort- make her happy, be the good guy. What I did find is that these "fixes" were, at best, temporary, that we could bask in the glow of mother's approval and happiness- only for a while. Then- it wouldn't work and we'd be back to square one.

This is because the discomfort isn't something that can be fixed with an external temporary fix. It comes from being unable to manage uncomfortable emotions. What your wife is feeling is actually normal. As a mother who raised children-I know how she feels sometimes.  Your mind is on the kids constantly. If they need you, they will find you. Mothers of young kids will joke that they can't even go to the bathroom alone. This is all part of being a mom. We love our kids, and yes, we can feel both the joy of raising kids and also sometimes feel like we need some mommy alone time. However, there are other solutions besides a 7K mini office- like spend a fraction of that and hire a sitter for a night, go to the gym, night out with the girls, book club, or take a class one night a week. Or hand them off to their other parent and take a walk.

While it is great to have the other parent help so we moms can have a break- this is our feeling, our discomfort- not our spouse's issue to solve. If you become the good guy and rescue her from this feeling- then she won't learn to solve this issue on her own.

[waverider]

It may be a matter of she wants her "me time" and time free of potential intrusions and pressure from anyone else, as opposed to physical space. Possibly a control issue where, or when, she is free from having to consider anyone else