Update

[In4thewin]

I'm very distraught. Yesterday I made the mistake of thinking I could approach my daughter's move into her own apartment as if it was happening under normal circumstances. Long story short, in mid swing during the move in she decided to text me and tell me she was really scared because she missed her period. This wasn't the first time she's done this, and I feel that she just says things like that to try to get a rise out of me. Prior to her crying-wolf I had planned to pick her up from the apartment and take her to Walmart to get some necessary items as well as a ROKU TV. I texted her back and told her to call the Women's Health Center as she needed to go there to refill her pills---and they could also give her a pregnancy test. A couple hours later I went back over to the apartment and tried to just ignore what I strongly suspected was an attention grab. So we had a pleasant time for about a half hour talking about decorating etc. and then I asked her if she had called Women's Health. At first she said no but then she quick said that they didn't answer. At that point I nicely told her that we wouldn't be going to Walmart until she takes care of her business and I was informed of whether or not she was actually pregnant. Bear in mind that she isn't even going to be sleeping at the new apartment until Friday so the TV was in no way even going to be used until then. Anyway, that's when all hell broke loose. She began to elevate her voice, cry etc. and quickly became disregulated to the point where could certainly be heard by other tenants. Moreover, she physically stopped me from leaving, which I felt I needed to do to stop the scene. When I finally escaped out the side door she chased me outside and continued her loudness out there, not letting me get into the car. Again, all I did was tell her that I wasn't purchasing the TV until the status of the pregnancy was determined--- which easily could have happened quickly. It seems that she just wanted to hold this over my head and she wasn't prepared for me to pivot our plans until the matter was resolved. I have a friend who knows a bit about BPD and she's generally a really sensible person. When I told her about this situation she told me that she would have expected for there to be a problem and that she didn't know why I would be helping my daughter settle in etc. given that the only reason she's moving is due to ongoing abusive behavior. She felt that I should have moved the boxes into the apartment with the movers myself (I packed them myself) and then sent her over to via cab to put things together by herself. I think she's 100% right about that, and things like this are an ongoing problem with me. No matter what goes wrong, I always end up falling back into the pattern of trying to act as if I'm dealing with a normal/healthy 18 year old, when it's clear my daughter isn't healthy and can be set off by almost anything. That said, even I was kind of shocked that after a week of inpatient, followed by a month at an Airbnb (I finally decided she was moving out), that she'd behave like that in a brand new environment without a care or concern about what other tenants would think. It's an 8 unit building. I'm really depressed. She is nowhere close to the point where she wants to attend the intensive programming she she needs, and she continues to lose time which will only add to her already low self esteem.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Think about what happened logically for a moment:

1) She tried to manipulate you

2) You made a sensible request and a healthy boundary

3) She didn't like the boundary, so she lashed out

4) You stood your ground and it made her dysregulated

5) Her behavior became worse, because she was trying to manipulate the boundary

6) You stood your ground and ultimately left

With BPD, it takes a realization from within like, "Hey, maybe I'm part of the problem."  To reach that point, the BPD has to be challenged in everyday life circumstances where it pushes back at their belief system.  That's what you did today...and it got worse...because it was progress.

Pick any ordinary kid in the USA and place a bowl of their favorite ice cream in front of them.  Tell them they can have the ice cream as soon as they bring their lunch plate to the sink.  Most kids would run to the sink and run back, they're finished in 3 seconds flat.  Other kids might throw a little tantrum, they don't want to take their plate to the sink.  But they quickly learn because they want the ice cream.  That learning is 10x harder for a BPD though, the situation feels like a way for you to torture them, punish them unreasonably.

Even so, the lesson is fair and it teaches right from wrong with a great reward at the end.  BPDs have to learn that lesson just like everyone else, it's what helps them realize the need for change.

You're in that same situation- you're rewarding your kid with a furnished apartment for being a nightmare at home.  Truthfully, it's a terrible life lesson.  If she wants to play games and be abusive, let her buy her own stuff.  But at least you played the game correctly today and didn't walk on eggshells.

This stuff is hard...so hard.  But it's not your fault and you can't force your kid to get help.  You can only love her while teaching right from wrong in all areas of her life.

[CC43]

Hi, I’ve been close to where you are right now. The sad reality is that the worse my BPD stepdaughter acted, the more she was rewarded, and that became a very dangerous negative cycle. She got her own apartments, new furniture, and her own TV. Did she earn any money to get what she wanted?  No way. She ordered UberEats daily, even though her apartment was on the same block as a grocery. In my house, we cut cable to help economize, but she had multiple streaming services. She had an unlimited debit card and bought marijuana with it. She begged her dad to pay semester after semester of college tuition but would withdraw after a couple of weeks, once assignments were due. Granted, my husband wanted his daughter to succeed. He thought, if he just set her up in perfect apartments and paid for spring breaks, she’d straighten up and grow up. Unfortunately BPD doesn’t work that way. All she learned was the louder she cried and the more tantrums she threw, the more her lifestyle was upgraded. She was obsessed about being an adult, and she thought that meant she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, as long as her dad gave her money for whatever she wanted. But what he gave her was the means to hole up comfortably and entertained in her deluxe apartments where she sat around hating and waiting. Her dysfunction was enabled for far too long in my opinion.

Look, I know you love your daughter and you don’t want her to be on the streets. But if she wants to live like an independent adult, she needs to learn some adult responsibilities. That includes not treating you with disrespect, when you are being nice and supportive. If she can finish high school, she can do some work in my opinion. Any work—dog walking, babysitting, running errands, bagging groceries. If she wants luxuries like her own phone or TV, she can work for them in my opinion. I’d start with the phone.

[js friend]

Hi IN4thewwin,

I pretty much the same as you when my udd got her first place. udd was still very young and we wanted to help.

Our whole family got together (including, aunts, uncles, gps) to furnish her whole property and make it comfortable for her, plus we did all the cleaning.

1 year later my udd decided to move out without telling any of us and left everything behind. 

In hindsight I have learnt that my udd needs to put in the work to be more appreciative of what she has. She does not appreciate what others do for her or spends on her and doesnt look after these items  very well but she is very protective over any items she buys and never loans things out, give them away (ie,to charity) preferring to put them in the bin.

I think you are right to hold off buying the tv until you have concrete proof of this suspected  pregnancy. Why throw a tantrum over a very simple request? My guess is that it has worked for her in the past and that she wasnt expecting this stumbling block and got loud and chased after you. You felt embarrassed at the time, but embarrassment doesnt last forever and she has to live there not you. I think you did great job to remain calm and walk away.

My suspicion is that you are correct and that your dd is using this as a form of manipulation. If you still want to get her a tv why cant it be a used one? Think about it?.
All these lovely nice new items can be easily sold for cash.

[In4thewin]

Thank you for your responses. When it comes to this apartment, I wanted something a little less expensive but in the area where we currently live, its slim pickings in the rental zone. I was specifically looking for a one bedroom and anything else that was available was a total dump. I truly felt like you could take a perfectly person and put them in one of those--- and theyd develop depression. So this place came up and it was like a miracle. Truthfully though, I fear that it is "too" nice.

With all that said, I made her put the electric and internet in her name, and she's going to be given a month to start paying those bills. I'm also going to have her apply for food assistance, primarily so she's forced to go to the grocery store and she won't have the ability to spend money on anything else but food. I don't have this all figured out but I will not give her any cash assistance. She has more than enough furniture to start out, but still needs a couple items--- a coffee table and a TV stand. I was thinking that if she starts to take on some responsibility with necessary bills that I would maybe match her efforts to buy those things?

I'd be really appreciative of any ideas about how I should structure this and present the expectations to her and what I absolutely should not do. She moves in tonight. I know I can't rewind from obtaining this apartment for her, but I want to move forward with clear and reasonable expectations and boundaries, and consequences I'll actually carry through with if she doesn't respond appropriately.

[In4thewin]

Oh.... and she did comply with getting a pregnancy test. It was negative.

[CC43]

I love the idea of matching efforts or money earned. I also like the idea of not giving cash, to ensure she spends on needs not wants. Start small—baby steps—to get her heading in the right direction. I think in terms of “on track”; the direction is more important than speed!