Therapist feels I'm ready to tackle this alone. I feel scared.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been seeing my therapist since September of last year. She's been great and has experience in cluster b partnerships. I've of course shared all of my stories, my emotions, thoughts. I even asked her if she thought I had undiagnosed personality issues, as my ex always made me feel that way with her words and all. It's been a long journey. I still feel like crap a lot, but I can function now. I exercise daily. I don't drink anymore. I'm down 12lbs. I see my friends and family.

Yesterday she told me that for the last month, each time she's seen me I look more alive. I'm not just repeating myself all the time. I often message her as it's part of my plan. We have lots of long form back and forth. It helps a lot when I'm feeling guilt or shame or second guessing leaving.

She said while she enjoys our sessions, she believes I'm at that point now where I need to simply focus on me and she asked me if I felt like I would still benefit from our sessions? She says I'm not crazy. I was beaten down verbally, physically and emotionally abused for years so I totally lost a sense of myself. And that it's grown so much since last year. She's still open to seeing me, but said 2 times a month may be better so I have time to self soothe and figure life out again. She was equally ok ending our sessions and reconnecting down the line if I felt I needed more help.

It was both a relief and also so scary. I know only time will heal me. I also know my ex being in close vicinity and now sending my work group emails brings me back to all of the craziness. I know at some point I need to be the one to support myself. I feel so weak still. I'm sure this is normal.

I'm not sure I'm even asking a question, maybe just venting. But I don't know how to feel.

[Me88]

I've been seeing my therapist since September of last year. She's been great and has experience in cluster b partnerships. I've of course shared all of my stories, my emotions, thoughts. I even asked her if she thought I had undiagnosed personality issues, as my ex always made me feel that way with her words and all. It's been a long journey. I still feel like crap a lot, but I can function now. I exercise daily. I don't drink anymore. I'm down 12lbs. I see my friends and family.

Yesterday she told me that for the last month, each time she's seen me I look more alive. I'm not just repeating myself all the time. I often message her as it's part of my plan. We have lots of long form back and forth. It helps a lot when I'm feeling guilt or shame or second guessing leaving.

She said while she enjoys our sessions, she believes I'm at that point now where I need to simply focus on me and she asked me if I felt like I would still benefit from our sessions? She says I'm not crazy. I was beaten down verbally, physically and emotionally abused for years so I totally lost a sense of myself. And that it's grown so much since last year. She's still open to seeing me, but said 2 times a month may be better so I have time to self soothe and figure life out again. She was equally ok ending our sessions and reconnecting down the line if I felt I needed more help.

It was both a relief and also so scary. I know only time will heal me. I also know my ex being in close vicinity and now sending my work group emails brings me back to all of the craziness. I know at some point I need to be the one to support myself. I feel so weak still. I'm sure this is normal.

I'm not sure I'm even asking a question, maybe just venting. But I don't know how to feel.

[once removed]

I know only time will heal me.

i see this line repeated a lot.

if it were true, our exes would be cured. you wouldnt see threads from members 1 year+ plus still struggling mightily with their wounds.

time will dull the pain, and make it less acute. like a broken arm, if you dont go to the doctor, have it put in a cast, and treat it properly, it will get better than it was, but it wont heal properly.

the gains you have made were the result of the effort youve put in (of course it takes time to put in effort and to see results) - what youve done with that time.

youre now at a crossroads. your therapist is gently pushing you to the next phase of Detachment. she knows you best, and shes telling you she thinks youre ready. shes also telling you that continuing in the same way is no longer productive, or may even keep you stuck. this is true in recovery - there comes a point where we make that shift to focus away from our ex, onto ourselves, and to the lessons we want to take into future relationships. it doesnt necessarily mean we never struggle, or never think about our loss, but that it no longer interferes to the same degree in our daily life.

i recall in my own recovery, after months of leaning on friends and family, they ran out of things to say, or ways to help me. their frustration showed, and that, in turn, frustrated me, and made me feel worse. so id go into my room, frustrated, scared, desperate, and cry. i didnt realize in those moments, my resiliency was building, and i was learning to lean on myself. i began to self soothe, and leaned on friends and family for a different kind of support - mostly quality time.

the questions i would have, and its not clear in your post, is whether your therapist wants to be a part of that focus switch, and what it looks like to both of you. do you want to take the post relationship deep dive into yourself - change your focus? its also not clear if shes in the best position to help you do that, or whether she thinks someone else might be better suited.

[Me88]

Hello. Thank you for your response.

I imagine I might be one of those who is still limping along several months down the line. I'm not as crushed as I was, but I do cry here and there still. It's sad still.

I've worked so hard on myself, I'm proud of that. Initially I was a mess and resorted to drinking to numb myself. I just sit with it now, exercise or clean up around the house.

She seems overly positive and proud of me. She says I may not see it in myself, but I'm so much better than I have been and I guess that makes sense. I have gone as no contact as humanly possible. I exercise a ton now. I do think her mindset is the same approach will not help me grow more now. She says personally, I'm doing everything I can at the moment, as far as general focus on my own life.

I do want to take what I've learned and grow, a lot. I'm afraid of that too as I seem to keep landing in the same types of relationships. I know I'll struggle still. Years of that push/pull really rewires you.

I don't vent to friends or family anymore. I just repeat myself anyways. And they of course don't understand these types of relationships. So I wear my smile and hangout and have as good of a time as I can. They all think I'm just 'good to go'. I'd like to lean on myself as well. I don't want to be in therapy because of this forever (not actually forever).

She is supportive in any way that I want to proceed. She has no concerns at all seeing me as much as I want to see her. We've talked about 'me' a lot as well. My attachment styles, codependent nature, caregiving style, etc. I think she would be qualified to do so, but we've talked weekly since last September. During the worst of it, 2 times a week at times. I'm able to identify some weaknesses I have now and truly need to be more cognizant and see signs instead of giving toxic individuals endless chances.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

I'd like to echo what Once Removed said, and unfortunately I don't think time does heal all. But action towards healing and action towards doing what feels right and true and good for you does heal. Some of it's done in a therapist's office, some of it with the support of loved ones, but much of it is done alone.

Cutting down your sessions to twice a month might just shake up the dynamic a little bit for you, and you might find that you'll need to call on your inner resources in order to handle things that come up for you in the gaps between sessions.

I have had fortnightly sessions for the last 9 months (which is all I could get), and at times, particularly at the beginning, it didn't feel like even nearly enough. I had to lean on additional resources sometimes when I really felt adrit in those times. But similar to Once Removed, I quickly learned that friends and family was not the place for me to constantly vent. So I've had to do other things - journal, cry, go for walks, sit in the pain, try and untangle parts of it myself, notice the times it's too much and be okay with distraction and avoidance... Sometimes I'd call helplines or go to community groups where I didn't know anyone. We often need different things at different times. You eventually find what works and what doesn't.

The progress you've already made is very important to recognise and be proud of. It sounds like you've made great headway and you're doing lots of things that will contribute to your health and healing.

Keep going!!

[Me88]

Hi there,

I'd like to echo what Once Removed said, and unfortunately I don't think time does heal all. But action towards healing and action towards doing what feels right and true and good for you does heal. Some of it's done in a therapist's office, some of it with the support of loved ones, but much of it is done alone.

Cutting down your sessions to twice a month might just shake up the dynamic a little bit for you, and you might find that you'll need to call on your inner resources in order to handle things that com e up for you in the gaps between sessions.

I have had fortnightly sessions for the last 9 months (which is all I could get), and at times, particularly at the beginning, it didn't feel like even nearly enough. I had to lean on additional resources sometimes when I really felt adrit in those times. But similar to Once Removed, I quickly learned that friends and family was not the place for me to constantly vent. So I've had to do other things - journal, cry, go for walks, sit in the pain, try and untangle parts of it myself, notice the times it's too much and be okay with distraction and avoidance... Sometimes I'd call helplines or go to community groups where I didn't know anyone. We often need different things at different times. You eventually find what works and what doesn't.

The progress you've already made is very important to recognise and be proud of. It sounds like you've made great headway and you're doing lots of things that will contribute to your health and healing.

Keep going!!

That all makes sense. In my brain, without saying it, I think time goes hand in hand with external help. I'm not against any source of assistance. This is as involved as I've been with my mental health, and I fully know this entire situation is not normal. I've been in therapy for a few months while with her, my friends and family are more than likely tapped out and thats ok, and indonrealize this my problem to sort out however I choose.

As far as therapy I've skipped here and there for that reason. To sort of remove myself from that and be self sufficient. And yeah,  I cry here and there. I watch YouTube videos. Do more cardio. Play with my dogs. I'm a very capable adult, but this whole thing has melted me. It's like nothing I've known. And if I'm being honest, I've dealt with crazier things, just not personal/romantic situations. She was good at what she wanted to accomplish.

Friends and family are a no go now. Everyone imagines I'm fine. They say be happy and move on. Tell me to go on dates. Everyone has bad relationships.  But no one can say they've been with someone with multiple diagnoses before. Its truly not the same as a normal "bad" relationship.

I am proud of myself. I'm also upset that I'm still so up and down. Some days are ok and even a bit fun. Other days, I just cry randomly. Nothing is predictable.  It's embarrassing in some ways,  but the more I learn about this personality disorder the more I want to believe I'm not crazy and at fault.

[Me88]

So I scheduled a therapy session for today. I've had too many ups and downs lately. I guess it's the work drama and all. Her bday just passing which made me feel weird.

I'm not even share what to talk about with her anymore. I've been with her since September and she's great. I was able to vent all of my stories, explain where I think I was in the wrong, etc.

Why I'm codependent to this level? Is it just the relationship dynamic with BPD partners since I'm not like this in any other aspect or previous relationship?

I don't have any childhood trauma to sort out, just the wreckage from this relationship. I don't know my next move.

[HoratioX]

So I scheduled a therapy session for today. I've had too many ups and downs lately. I guess it's the work drama and all. Her bday just passing which made me feel weird.

I'm not even share what to talk about with her anymore. I've been with her since September and she's great. I was able to vent all of my stories, explain where I think I was in the wrong, etc.

Why I'm codependent to this level? Is it just the relationship dynamic with BPD partners since I'm not like this in any other aspect or previous relationship?

I don't have any childhood trauma to sort out, just the wreckage from this relationship. I don't know my next move.

You don't have to face this alone. For instance, you can have a network of friends and family -- or you can create one. But what your therapist may be saying is that she's expressed everything she can to you, and you've reached a point where you're demonstrating you understand.

What comes next is whether you accept all this. That is, you take the therapy to heart and you work on yourself to put the words and ideas into action.

Whether or not you're codependent depends on what comes next. If you work on yourself, stay away from the ex., recover in a healthy way from the relationship, and move on, then you're not. If you go back to the relationship, then you are.

Most things in life come down to a simple choice -- yes or no. If you can say no to a relationship and move on to something better, then you've won.  The choice is simple but the work is hard. But it can be done.

That's just my take. Your therapist may feel differently, and you should talk to her. But the way to beat this is to go forward with your life in a positive way and not backward or stay in the same place.

[Me88]

You don't have to face this alone. For instance, you can have a network of friends and family -- or you can create one. But what your therapist may be saying is that she's expressed everything she can to you, and you've reached a point where you're demonstrating you understand.

What comes next is whether you accept all this. That is, you take the therapy to heart and you work on yourself to put the words and ideas into action.

Whether or not you're codependent depends on what comes next. If you work on yourself, stay away from the ex., recover in a healthy way from the relationship, and move on, then you're not. If you go back to the relationship, then you are.

Most things in life come down to a simple choice -- yes or no. If you can say no to a relationship and move on to something better, then you've won.  The choice is simple but the work is hard. But it can be done.

That's just my take. Your therapist may feel differently, and you should talk to her. But the way to beat this is to go forward with your life in a positive way and not backward or stay in the same place.

I won't want to face it fully alone. Friends and family are amazing and understanding. One of my friends is going through a divorce as well so we rely on each other. Yes, my therapist seems to think I'm doing great although I don't feel like it. I'm definitely not as depressed and drinking still. I'm back to my usual fitness/health self and I'm productive at work.

I can't ever go back to her. Ever. After the hitting, cursing, insults, police involvement, I just couldn't do that. Plus knowing that her and I started being intimate and dating IMMEDIATELY after she ended her engagement to her ex-fiance, I see no reason why she isn't already with someone, or multiple people. That's just gross to me.

I'm trying to move forward the best I can. I don't think I'm going backwards really. I just hate the invading thoughts. And moronic fantasy that maybe she's sad, crying, realizing everything and is making efforts in therapy. But I know that isn't possible for her.

[kells76]

So I scheduled a therapy session for today.

How did the session go?

Yes, my therapist seems to think I'm doing great although I don't feel like it.

Have you had a frank discussion with your T about why you might be experiencing a disconnect (between your T's assessment and your feelings)? (i.e. if it's an expected stage in the therapeutic process, to have such different views)?

"You've said XYZ about how I'm doing, but to be honest, I don't experience that. Is that disconnect typical? What does it mean when a T sees a client as 'doing well' and that's not the client's experience"?

and/or

"What would be the downsides of a client continuing to see a T, when the T thinks the client is ready to 'graduate'?"

In your own words, of course. Just curious if talking directly about the meta dynamic could bring some insight.

[Me88]

How did the session go?

Have you had a frank discussion with your T about why you might be experiencing a disconnect (between your T's assessment and your feelings)? (i.e. if it's an expected stage in the therapeutic process, to have such different views)?

"You've said XYZ about how I'm doing, but to be honest, I don't experience that. Is that disconnect typical? What does it mean when a T sees a client as 'doing well' and that's not the client's experience"?

and/or

"What would be the downsides of a client continuing to see a T, when the T thinks the client is ready to 'graduate'?"

In your own words, of course. Just curious if talking directly about the meta dynamic could bring some insight.

It went ok. She too thinks I should advocate for myself in that I have over a decade in federal service, while my ex has under a year as a contracted non-profit employee. Also finds it very weird that she continues to make her presence known and is even pushing to be in my building again as she 'feels unsafe' just one building over. Especially because she apparently felt unsafe around me enough to have the cops come to my home and 'deal with me'. If she felt so unsafe, there is no reason she should be so adamant on being in the same small building as someone she felt the need to call the cops on. Just the usual responses I get from most people. None of her concerns or requests make any real sense and again lack any consistency. Especially if her smear campaign is painting me as some monster (which I believe to be the case in that her current supervisor and I were on great terms at work, but won't even respond to me or acknowledge me anymore in meetings).

And I have. She says she's seen real growth. I'm not crying in therapy. I'm no longer simply repeating my stories. My responses and questions to her are logical and I'm not taking blame for everything anymore. She said healing isn't linear and of course I'm feeling a little stuck since I have to be around her every day at work. Most people don't end a relationship, just to be forced to be around that person daily after. So healing might be slower. She's ok with less sessions, which I've been doing. Not weekly anymore. We've worked a lot on some of my personality traits that tend to find me with women like this over and over. Creating boundaries and enforcing them. I feel like I've made progress, yes. I've just never felt so foggy after ending a relationship, even much longer ones. These individuals really learn to manipulate and control every aspect of your being. I was dumb enough to let it happen and justify a lot of things.

She's fully ok seeing me still, but doesn't think weekly sessions are a requirement at this time (unless I want to do that). And I can say I agree in some ways. I just hate the rumination and all. It sneaks up on me a bit.

[seekingtheway]

You're in a very similar stage of healing as I am - and so I can feel into what you're saying a lot.

The main thing that I notice in your posts is a frustration with yourself that you're not further ahead, you're still in rumination, you're still not healed, and although you're doing all the right things and you've pretty much got all the logical parts of your experience now lined up quite nicely, you're still not feeling great. I sometimes feel this way too because I still struggle with anxiety and rumination, but I try and give myself compassion and understanding as the antidote to this.

Of course you are still ruminating sometimes, of course you still feel unsettled, of course it still hurts, of course you're still sad - you went through a deeply unsettling, traumatic experience where you got really hurt and you need space from that, yet your ex is in your space, so you're getting constant reminders of that hurt and trauma. Your body is also trying to protect you by reminding you of what you went through, keeping it front of mind, making sure you've learned the lessons, making sure you don't go back to an experience that damaged you.

For me, it helps to just allow the feelings, and when I get trapped in rumination, I notice it - notice it and maybe even thank my body for trying to keep me safe but reassure myself that I know what I'm doing now, that I'm safe now, that it's over. Keep the focus on you and what you're feeling, and try and direct it away from your ex and what she's feeling.

I've also gone through having untrue stories told about me in the communty - some of those have been done publicly. And I don't think it's over yet. It's really tough and there have been days I've just wanted to run away. But I do have days here and there where I feel really strong, I feel sure of myself, I feel peace within myself, and on those days I don't care what my ex is saying about me, I don't care what he's doing, I just feel free from the drama of it all, and it feels great. As I say, those days where it's completely gone from my head are quite few and far between, but when they do come, it gives me a glimpse of where I'm trying to get to. And I know that at some point, I'll get there.

Like you, my therapist is suggesting a slower frequency of visits, but she makes a big point of being very clear when I question myself about my healing process that I'm on my way... without putting a time limit on it for me, she said a normal recovery time from a relationship like this is two years. And she said give myself five years before I can be around him in the community without feeling somewhat triggered and for the charge to have completely left my body. It helps me to think about it like this. And for now, we agree that I still need some hand holding - I need a constant safe presence in my life who I know I can trust. So it's worth keeping the visits up just for that, but I am moving down to one visit per month.

I suspect you're doing better than you think. The difficult emotions and the rumination are just part of the healing process. The body is designed to find homeostasis, so just keep following the clues your body is giving you, whether that's to talk it out, move, journal, do something creative, a project, cry, whatever it is... just no judgement on yourself.

[Longterm]

Hi there.

Unfortunately these relationships often have significant side effects such as thinking we are crazy or are the ones with a PD. It's great that your therapist is pushing back on these notions and challenging your thought processes.

At some point going it alone is a great step to take, you can always come here to discuss any issues that arise, you are not alone in this. Maybe have a gradual weaning off therapy?

There are so many questions we ask ourselves, so much thinking and ruminating, this is perfectly normal and understandable.

LT.

[Me88]

Hi there.

Unfortunately these relationships often have significant side effects such as thinking we are crazy or are the ones with a PD. It's great that your therapist is pushing back on these notions and challenging your thought processes.

At some point going it alone is a great step to take, you can always come here to discuss any issues that arise, you are not alone in this. Maybe have a gradual weaning off therapy?

There are so many questions we ask ourselves, so much thinking and ruminating, this is perfectly normal and understandable.

LT.

More side effects than I could have imagined. Years of fighting, ignoring, reacting, enduring all lead to chaos and feelings of addiction recovery. It's so tiring. I did and sometimes still do feel crazy. And I hate that feeling. I've never doubted myself so much in anything in life. I really did imagine I had a PD. If I knew I was diagnosed with something, I know I have the mental capacity to put in the hard work for the rest of my life. It would have been 'easier' for me to make sense of.

I don't want professional help forever or constant hand holding. I'm a responsible capable adult, but yes, this whole entire situation was a giant blow to the gut. HIGHEST highs.....and some of the worst lows I imagine I'll experience with a partner ever. Unraveling things is different now, but I will get there. I always have. I've been weaning lately, biweekly...if I have a good stretch of time not feeling weird, it might be once a month.

I hate the rumination aspect of it. Thinking about how I reacted at times; defensive, sarcastic, annoyed, etc. You feel guilty sometimes. I'm never like that. Euphoric recall is awful, just remembering the great fun and times, but forcing yourself to remember the bad was so BAD. Missing the physical intimacy that was unlike anything I've experienced. And just some stupid tiny thought that maybe they're sad too, ruminating, crying when alone, really looking inward wanting to change and work hard knowing they had someone amazing. But no, that isn't real life.

In prior relationships, I'd be approaching a time where I could sort things out better and really feel 'free'. Now I'm still in this weird mental prison, having to hear and be around her every day. I just need some distance so I can create my internal peace.