Therapist feels I'm ready to tackle this alone. I feel scared.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been seeing my therapist since September of last year. She's been great and has experience in cluster b partnerships. I've of course shared all of my stories, my emotions, thoughts. I even asked her if she thought I had undiagnosed personality issues, as my ex always made me feel that way with her words and all. It's been a long journey. I still feel like crap a lot, but I can function now. I exercise daily. I don't drink anymore. I'm down 12lbs. I see my friends and family.

Yesterday she told me that for the last month, each time she's seen me I look more alive. I'm not just repeating myself all the time. I often message her as it's part of my plan. We have lots of long form back and forth. It helps a lot when I'm feeling guilt or shame or second guessing leaving.

She said while she enjoys our sessions, she believes I'm at that point now where I need to simply focus on me and she asked me if I felt like I would still benefit from our sessions? She says I'm not crazy. I was beaten down verbally, physically and emotionally abused for years so I totally lost a sense of myself. And that it's grown so much since last year. She's still open to seeing me, but said 2 times a month may be better so I have time to self soothe and figure life out again. She was equally ok ending our sessions and reconnecting down the line if I felt I needed more help.

It was both a relief and also so scary. I know only time will heal me. I also know my ex being in close vicinity and now sending my work group emails brings me back to all of the craziness. I know at some point I need to be the one to support myself. I feel so weak still. I'm sure this is normal.

I'm not sure I'm even asking a question, maybe just venting. But I don't know how to feel.

[Me88]

I've been seeing my therapist since September of last year. She's been great and has experience in cluster b partnerships. I've of course shared all of my stories, my emotions, thoughts. I even asked her if she thought I had undiagnosed personality issues, as my ex always made me feel that way with her words and all. It's been a long journey. I still feel like crap a lot, but I can function now. I exercise daily. I don't drink anymore. I'm down 12lbs. I see my friends and family.

Yesterday she told me that for the last month, each time she's seen me I look more alive. I'm not just repeating myself all the time. I often message her as it's part of my plan. We have lots of long form back and forth. It helps a lot when I'm feeling guilt or shame or second guessing leaving.

She said while she enjoys our sessions, she believes I'm at that point now where I need to simply focus on me and she asked me if I felt like I would still benefit from our sessions? She says I'm not crazy. I was beaten down verbally, physically and emotionally abused for years so I totally lost a sense of myself. And that it's grown so much since last year. She's still open to seeing me, but said 2 times a month may be better so I have time to self soothe and figure life out again. She was equally ok ending our sessions and reconnecting down the line if I felt I needed more help.

It was both a relief and also so scary. I know only time will heal me. I also know my ex being in close vicinity and now sending my work group emails brings me back to all of the craziness. I know at some point I need to be the one to support myself. I feel so weak still. I'm sure this is normal.

I'm not sure I'm even asking a question, maybe just venting. But I don't know how to feel.

[once removed]

I know only time will heal me.

i see this line repeated a lot.

if it were true, our exes would be cured. you wouldnt see threads from members 1 year+ plus still struggling mightily with their wounds.

time will dull the pain, and make it less acute. like a broken arm, if you dont go to the doctor, have it put in a cast, and treat it properly, it will get better than it was, but it wont heal properly.

the gains you have made were the result of the effort youve put in (of course it takes time to put in effort and to see results) - what youve done with that time.

youre now at a crossroads. your therapist is gently pushing you to the next phase of Detachment. she knows you best, and shes telling you she thinks youre ready. shes also telling you that continuing in the same way is no longer productive, or may even keep you stuck. this is true in recovery - there comes a point where we make that shift to focus away from our ex, onto ourselves, and to the lessons we want to take into future relationships. it doesnt necessarily mean we never struggle, or never think about our loss, but that it no longer interferes to the same degree in our daily life.

i recall in my own recovery, after months of leaning on friends and family, they ran out of things to say, or ways to help me. their frustration showed, and that, in turn, frustrated me, and made me feel worse. so id go into my room, frustrated, scared, desperate, and cry. i didnt realize in those moments, my resiliency was building, and i was learning to lean on myself. i began to self soothe, and leaned on friends and family for a different kind of support - mostly quality time.

the questions i would have, and its not clear in your post, is whether your therapist wants to be a part of that focus switch, and what it looks like to both of you. do you want to take the post relationship deep dive into yourself - change your focus? its also not clear if shes in the best position to help you do that, or whether she thinks someone else might be better suited.

[Me88]

Hello. Thank you for your response.

I imagine I might be one of those who is still limping along several months down the line. I'm not as crushed as I was, but I do cry here and there still. It's sad still.

I've worked so hard on myself, I'm proud of that. Initially I was a mess and resorted to drinking to numb myself. I just sit with it now, exercise or clean up around the house.

She seems overly positive and proud of me. She says I may not see it in myself, but I'm so much better than I have been and I guess that makes sense. I have gone as no contact as humanly possible. I exercise a ton now. I do think her mindset is the same approach will not help me grow more now. She says personally, I'm doing everything I can at the moment, as far as general focus on my own life.

I do want to take what I've learned and grow, a lot. I'm afraid of that too as I seem to keep landing in the same types of relationships. I know I'll struggle still. Years of that push/pull really rewires you.

I don't vent to friends or family anymore. I just repeat myself anyways. And they of course don't understand these types of relationships. So I wear my smile and hangout and have as good of a time as I can. They all think I'm just 'good to go'. I'd like to lean on myself as well. I don't want to be in therapy because of this forever (not actually forever).

She is supportive in any way that I want to proceed. She has no concerns at all seeing me as much as I want to see her. We've talked about 'me' a lot as well. My attachment styles, codependent nature, caregiving style, etc. I think she would be qualified to do so, but we've talked weekly since last September. During the worst of it, 2 times a week at times. I'm able to identify some weaknesses I have now and truly need to be more cognizant and see signs instead of giving toxic individuals endless chances.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

I'd like to echo what Once Removed said, and unfortunately I don't think time does heal all. But action towards healing and action towards doing what feels right and true and good for you does heal. Some of it's done in a therapist's office, some of it with the support of loved ones, but much of it is done alone.

Cutting down your sessions to twice a month might just shake up the dynamic a little bit for you, and you might find that you'll need to call on your inner resources in order to handle things that come up for you in the gaps between sessions.

I have had fortnightly sessions for the last 9 months (which is all I could get), and at times, particularly at the beginning, it didn't feel like even nearly enough. I had to lean on additional resources sometimes when I really felt adrit in those times. But similar to Once Removed, I quickly learned that friends and family was not the place for me to constantly vent. So I've had to do other things - journal, cry, go for walks, sit in the pain, try and untangle parts of it myself, notice the times it's too much and be okay with distraction and avoidance... Sometimes I'd call helplines or go to community groups where I didn't know anyone. We often need different things at different times. You eventually find what works and what doesn't.

The progress you've already made is very important to recognise and be proud of. It sounds like you've made great headway and you're doing lots of things that will contribute to your health and healing.

Keep going!!

[Me88]

Hi there,

I'd like to echo what Once Removed said, and unfortunately I don't think time does heal all. But action towards healing and action towards doing what feels right and true and good for you does heal. Some of it's done in a therapist's office, some of it with the support of loved ones, but much of it is done alone.

Cutting down your sessions to twice a month might just shake up the dynamic a little bit for you, and you might find that you'll need to call on your inner resources in order to handle things that com e up for you in the gaps between sessions.

I have had fortnightly sessions for the last 9 months (which is all I could get), and at times, particularly at the beginning, it didn't feel like even nearly enough. I had to lean on additional resources sometimes when I really felt adrit in those times. But similar to Once Removed, I quickly learned that friends and family was not the place for me to constantly vent. So I've had to do other things - journal, cry, go for walks, sit in the pain, try and untangle parts of it myself, notice the times it's too much and be okay with distraction and avoidance... Sometimes I'd call helplines or go to community groups where I didn't know anyone. We often need different things at different times. You eventually find what works and what doesn't.

The progress you've already made is very important to recognise and be proud of. It sounds like you've made great headway and you're doing lots of things that will contribute to your health and healing.

Keep going!!

That all makes sense. In my brain, without saying it, I think time goes hand in hand with external help. I'm not against any source of assistance. This is as involved as I've been with my mental health, and I fully know this entire situation is not normal. I've been in therapy for a few months while with her, my friends and family are more than likely tapped out and thats ok, and indonrealize this my problem to sort out however I choose.

As far as therapy I've skipped here and there for that reason. To sort of remove myself from that and be self sufficient. And yeah,  I cry here and there. I watch YouTube videos. Do more cardio. Play with my dogs. I'm a very capable adult, but this whole thing has melted me. It's like nothing I've known. And if I'm being honest, I've dealt with crazier things, just not personal/romantic situations. She was good at what she wanted to accomplish.

Friends and family are a no go now. Everyone imagines I'm fine. They say be happy and move on. Tell me to go on dates. Everyone has bad relationships.  But no one can say they've been with someone with multiple diagnoses before. Its truly not the same as a normal "bad" relationship.

I am proud of myself. I'm also upset that I'm still so up and down. Some days are ok and even a bit fun. Other days, I just cry randomly. Nothing is predictable.  It's embarrassing in some ways,  but the more I learn about this personality disorder the more I want to believe I'm not crazy and at fault.