Seeking Advice from Others Who Have Experienced Divorce with a pwBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello Community,

I am new to BPDFamily and am in the process of divorcing my ex with BPD. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of a relationship, which I’m finding is quite common for relationships where BPD is a factor. My ex initiated the divorce, found an apartment less than half a mile away and has a new “friend” that they met on a dating site; they are constantly together but deny being in a romantic or sexual relationship despite evidence to the contrary. I also discovered cheating that occurred earlier in the marriage and found I had been fed numerous lies during the relationship.

I’m in a place where I’m trying to make sense of the facts and my feelings of grief and loss, and trying to process going from the pedestal I was placed on to being completely devalued and discarded.

For those readers who have experienced similar, what advice would you give to someone trying to make sense of things, to re-prioritize themselves and their health, and to heal?

Thank you!

[discardeddaddi]

Hello Community,

I am new to BPDFamily and am in the process of divorcing my ex with BPD. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of a relationship, which I’m finding is quite common for relationships where BPD is a factor. My ex initiated the divorce, found an apartment less than half a mile away and has a new “friend” that they met on a dating site; they are constantly together but deny being in a romantic or sexual relationship despite evidence to the contrary. I also discovered cheating that occurred earlier in the marriage and found I had been fed numerous lies during the relationship.

I’m in a place where I’m trying to make sense of the facts and my feelings of grief and loss, and trying to process going from the pedestal I was placed on to being completely devalued and discarded.

For those readers who have experienced similar, what advice would you give to someone trying to make sense of things, to re-prioritize themselves and their health, and to heal?

Thank you!

[EyesUp]

Hello and welcome.

You're coming to the right place with the right questions.

My experience was similar in regard to the infidelity and the discard.

Here are the things that were helpful to me:

1) Therapy - if you're not already doing it, sign up.  If you're doing it but it feels aimless or unproductive, consider finding a new therapist with expertise in what matters to you

2) Reading.  I read this site top to bottom, did the exercises, completed the assessments, and also read a ton of BPD and PD literature.  All of this helped to put things in perspective.

3) Reconnect with family and friends. My uBPDxw was/is very controlling, and had alienated most of my friends and family. She didn't even want me to be on Facebook or Instagram (of course, it was ok for her...).  Long story short, it was really great to reengage with family and friends, who were all super supportive (and suddenly very forthcoming about their concerns and reservations about my uBPDxw...)

4) "Radical Acceptance" - this idea comes up as part of the grieving process.  At first, I assumed it meant that I had to accept my uBPDxw and her behaviors - but in time, I came to understand that what it really meant for me - and for all of us, I think - is that we need to accept ourselves.  It became a lot easier to accept divorce (something I really didn't want), and everything that came with it - once I started to focus on myself - and to accept myself - instead remaining preoccupied with the concerns, disappointments, uncertainties, etc., associated with my uBPDxw. 

I followed most of the other standard advice:
- eat healthy
- be active, workout
- engage hobbies and activities that are rewarding
- be the best parent you can be (if you're a parent)
- focus on getting healthy for at least a year before seriously considering dating or some new relationship - check in with your therapist on this

Of course, lots more to do and tell, but these are some of the broad brush strokes that worked for me.

All easier said than done...  Let us know how we can best support you.

[PeteWitsend]

...

For those readers who have experienced similar, what advice would you give to someone trying to make sense of things, to re-prioritize themselves and their health, and to heal?

Thank you!

Find a therapist and go to some sessions to talk things out, identify any issues you may have that lead you into this relationship and its outcome.  That's not saying you're responsible for it, but perhaps why you might have had "blinders" to some of the behavior or red flags you could have acted on sooner. 

I'm not saying it's possible to have saved the relationship, but more along the lines of having avoided it in the first place, or to avoid another like that.

As far as more practical legal advice, there are some good thread on the "conflicted/custody/divorce" section about choosing an attorney and advice on negotiating the process to protect yourself and reaching a settlement that provides more security for your long term situation during divorce.

[discardeddaddi]

Hello and welcome.

You're coming to the right place with the right questions.

My experience was similar in regard to the infidelity and the discard.

Here are the things that were helpful to me:

1) Therapy - if you're not already doing it, sign up.  If you're doing it but it feels aimless or unproductive, consider finding a new therapist with expertise in what matters to you

2) Reading.  I read this site top to bottom, did the exercises, completed the assessments, and also read a ton of BPD and PD literature.  All of this helped to put things in perspective.

3) Reconnect with family and friends. My uBPDxw was/is very controlling, and had alienated most of my friends and family. She didn't even want me to be on Facebook or Instagram (of course, it was ok for her...).  Long story short, it was really great to reengage with family and friends, who were all super supportive (and suddenly very forthcoming about their concerns and reservations about my uBPDxw...)

4) "Radical Acceptance" - this idea comes up as part of the grieving process.  At first, I assumed it meant that I had to accept my uBPDxw and her behaviors - but in time, I came to understand that what it really meant for me - and for all of us, I think - is that we need to accept ourselves.  It became a lot easier to accept divorce (something I really didn't want), and everything that came with it - once I started to focus on myself - and to accept myself - instead remaining preoccupied with the concerns, disappointments, uncertainties, etc., associated with my uBPDxw. 

I followed most of the other standard advice:
- eat healthy
- be active, workout
- engage hobbies and activities that are rewarding
- be the best parent you can be (if you're a parent)
- focus on getting healthy for at least a year before seriously considering dating or some new relationship - check in with your therapist on this

Of course, lots more to do and tell, but these are some of the broad brush strokes that worked for me.

All easier said than done...  Let us know how we can best support you.

Thank you for your recommendations. It’s encouraging to know that I’m moving in the right direction with some of the suggestions. I’m in therapy with a provider who is asking the right questions and I feel supported in my healing journey. I’ve yet to really dive in to the reading on this site; there is so much information here! I’ll look to complete the assessments and exercises. Since the breakup, I’ve had similar experiences with family and friends who have shared their feelings about my ex. I think part of the work for me going forward will be to examine not only why I ignored red flags or allowed myself to be treated the way I was treated, but to also reflect on why I dismissed concerns expressed to me by loved ones during the relationship.

Thank you again! It’s nice to have found a community of people with shared experiences. It felt very lonely for a long time, in part because I often tried to buffer, excuse, or hide the way I was treated. Feeling seen helps so much.

[discardeddaddi]

Find a therapist and go to some sessions to talk things out, identify any issues you may have that lead you into this relationship and its outcome.  That's not saying you're responsible for it, but perhaps why you might have had "blinders" to some of the behavior or red flags you could have acted on sooner. 

I'm not saying it's possible to have saved the relationship, but more along the lines of having avoided it in the first place, or to avoid another like that.

As far as more practical legal advice, there are some good thread on the "conflicted/custody/divorce" section about choosing an attorney and advice on negotiating the process to protect yourself and reaching a settlement that provides more security for your long term situation during divorce.

Thank you for your response! I think we’re heading in the right direction in therapy. I definitely ignored my own inner-knowing/intuition and dismissed my own needs during the relationship. I’ll definitely check out the “conflicted/custody/divorce” section. There’s so much here, I haven’t seen it yet. I appreciate you taking the time to respond!

[EyesUp]

I think part of the work for me going forward will be to examine not only why I ignored red flags or allowed myself to be treated the way I was treated, but to also reflect on why I dismissed concerns expressed to me by loved ones during the relationship.

You are on the path...

Everyone is different, but there are many shared/common experiences.

It can be difficult to take a long hard look in the mirror...  however, you're in good company here.

There's understanding why - and then there's making change - real, lasting change.

Please note - my suggestions were not intended to send you on a self-service review of the site:  If you have questions or want to talk, the community is always here.

Take care.

[brokenfrog]

You are on the right path so hang in there. Just be ready to have many more outlandish claims thrown at you as things progress.
Just had a court hearing when got to hear the ex say that yes she had sex with many other people but it was ok because she was sure I had agreed to it (I won't get into that one...)

One suggestion about making a change as other people mentioned. Don't make a change to do something that you think would have "changed" what happened in the past. Only they can fix themselves. Do a change for a bright future.

[discardeddaddi]

Thank you for the encouragement, brokenfrog. We’re not quite in the thick of it yet.  I feel as though she’s being kind and keeping things together for at least two reasons, she has a new favorite person (although she denies the romantic relationship) and secondly, she is likely trying to keep it together in hopes of a favorable outcome for herself. I’m sure once we get into negotiations there will likely be increasing conflict. I don’t want to make any assumptions about how things may go, but it’s not a bad idea to prepare with strategies to stay calm, remember my personal values and boundaries, and look towards the future.

Wishing you the best as you navigate what sounds like a rather challenging situation.

[Pook075]

I'm about 2.5 years out from divorce and ultimately realized three truths that set me free:

1) It wasn't my fault...and it wasn't really my BPD wife's fault either.  The problem was untreated mental illness that allowed us to get into some very toxic patterns of cohabitation.

2) I was powerless to fix what my wife was going through.  Heck, I couldn't even understand it.  All the "what if's" I endlessly went through were lies though.  Maybe they changed things in the moment and bought our marriage another week, another month, another year.  But at what cost?  It was a broken marriage and we were both miserable due to point #1.

3) My mental health comes before anyone else in this world, even for people I love the most.  If I'm not okay, if I'm not trying to be the best version of me, then I can't keep helping everyone else and ignoring my own decline.  It broke me and made me into a different person, a shell of my old self.  All for what?  To remain in a one-sided marriage where I wasn't appreciated?  That's no way to live and I am very thankful that I'm in a better place now.

So don't try to solve "the facts" here or torture yourself by examining what happened.  Your ex is sick and made bad choices.  You made bad choices supporting them, and even with the best intentions it wasn't enough.  That's because none of us are stronger than untreated mental illness, we can't fix it or overcome it.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for the encouragement, brokenfrog. We’re not quite in the thick of it yet.  I feel as though she’s being kind and keeping things together for at least two reasons, she has a new favorite person (although she denies the romantic relationship) and secondly, she is likely trying to keep it together in hopes of a favorable outcome for herself. I’m sure once we get into negotiations there will likely be increasing conflict. I don’t want to make any assumptions about how things may go, but it’s not a bad idea to prepare with strategies to stay calm, remember my personal values and boundaries, and look towards the future.

Wishing you the best as you navigate what sounds like a rather challenging situation.

I'll hit you with what I have said to many through the years...practice being firm and indifferent. That should be a strategy you strive to implement. You have the idea of staying calm, but also remember to be firm in your boundaries and to not relent. When it pertains to dealing with someone disordered the idea of being adaptable is not necessarily helpful. Instead being adaptable may likely cause more undue stress. So in essence, by being firm and indifferent you keep things simple and leave out the potential for ambiguity to set in.

The less ambiguity the less conflict.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[EyesUp]

I'll hit you with what I have said to many through the years...practice being firm and indifferent.

A great piece of advice I read when going through D...  "no" can be a full sentence.


@OP,

Good insight re: "new favorite person" - that often accompanies the discard, and can be part of the "splitting" dynamic (read the book "Splitting" for more on this).