Abandoned and alone

[Trying2Live]

I was feeling smothered. I desperately needed some distance from my untreated mentally ill 84-year-old mother but no distance was to be had.

I work at home and she started showing up whenever she wanted to, even though I had asked her to call first, even though I could be on a call from work and the idea she'd show up when I was transacting business stressed me out.

Then, when she did show up it was the same crazy conversation. She believes several households in her neighborhood have access to video cameras in her house and they are damaging her car and so on. It's awful and looking back over her life, there are a pattern of these stories. My dad listened in on her phone calls. She's psychic and predicted the future for 7 years. You get the idea.

(She's also a dry alcoholic. My whole growing up, she was drunk several times a month for 24 hours at a time at least. She stopped drinking because she was afraid to be vulnerable since one of the gang in the neighborhood might violate her while she was passed out.)

So there it is, I ran out of patience with hearing this craziness. I was stressed out of my mind from my job, resentful, and I didn't want to hear it anymore.

Soon after I knew I had to take action when she came to my door without calling during my workday and I heard my key rattle in the door. I knew as long as she had a key, I was never going to have any peace. I wanted to get my key back but I knew it would start a war. I let the thought more or less slip from my mind

Fast forward, my door key was sticking in the lock.I needed to have a new one cut, so I took my key off my mom key ring when she was out of the room, and said, not loudly, that I was taking the key to get another cut.

About 2 weeks later I hadn't had the key cut, so I said to her that I was going to get her key back to her but I haven't had time to get on cut yet.

Her face went evil. She said in that voice that lets me know severe emotional punishment is on the way ... when did you take that key off my key ring and why didn't you tell me?

I told her I had told her, maybe she didn't hear me. 

Her mannerisms over the next few days we're very weird. She was cold and distant and I knew she was spinning in her mind.

Then she showed up at my house while I was on the clock for work. She came in and asked me for my key to her house. I gave her, her keys back, already in tears.

I told her I knew this was about me taking my key back and that I had told her. She said no I hadn't. She said she would have given my key back if I'd asked.

Then, she started talking baby talk to my cats and I just felt sick and said ... you come over here in the middle of the day, you interrupt my work without calling, you ask for your key back and now you sit there talking baby talk to my cats and you think that's okay?!!!

I don't really remember her response but it devolved from there.

She told me I wasn't sorry but I would be. (Punishment promise.)

I told her she needed to see a counselor.

And she told me to f*** off and to remember I had done this.

I said no, you have done this. It went back and forth a couple of times.

As she walked out the door I yelled, this is unkind, it's unfair, and I don't deserve it. I think I yelled it twice.

That was about 8 months ago. I've tried to talk to her. I'm still getting the silent treatment.

She did drop off a Christmas present and a birthday present and run. But she doesn't want to talk to me.

I am deeply saddened still. I left my mom. We had what a good times even with the crazy stuff. Now, I have lost whatever love there was from her to me and I'm living through the abandonment fear that she installed in me.

I'm not married. I don't have kids. My dad is dead. My siblings are not any help. My social support network is small.

Any suggestions for how to cope?

How to heal from abandonment at 54 when you're mother is 2 mi down the road?

How to deal with the fact you probably won't ever have another conversation with her while she's alive?

The fact that the one person I  thought loved me wants me to hurt - "you don't regret it but you will."

The thing is .. I don't feel bad about standing up for myself. I deserved to defend myself after a lifetime of taking any thing she dished out. She wasn't kind. I didn't deserve it. It was her fault. Finally I said it!

I just didn't realize it was going to cost me my mother. I guess I should have. I guess I always knew all of my behavior toward her was a performance and about earning and maintaining her " love" and the one day I stopped, would be the day she would stop having anything meaningful to do with me.

Anyway I'm rambling. If you have any suggestions about how to heal this pain please share.

The only good thing - I got my #__/)(+ key back!

[Notwendy]

How to heal from abandonment at 54 when you're mother is 2 mi down the road?
How to deal with the fact you probably won't ever have another conversation with her while she's alive?
The fact that the one person I  thought loved me wants me to hurt - "you don't regret it but you will."



I felt similarly when I decided to have boundaries with my BPD mother. The "cost" was the relationship with both my parents and my mother's FOO distanced themselves from me. Even if we do have other people in our lives- the impact of a parent's "rejection" is a unique feeling.

It feels like forever but it may not be. It's a cycle. BPD mother did "come around" a while after that but for me, the realization that she'd actually do that- created doubt and confusion. It also prompted me into some therapy which led me to 12 step groups for ACA (you mentioned your mother also uses alcohol) which has been very helpful. The dynamics in families with a person with BPD and someone with alcohol addiction are similar). This helped me to have better boundaries.

What you are feeling - the shock and hurt- this is also opportunity for some self work and positive change. I'm not minimizing what you feel - it's not a look at the bright side statement. It's encouraging you to do some self work which does take time and work but can be worth the effort.

The work focuses on you, on your own growth, your own self care- whether or not your mother tries to reconnect with you or not. The kinds of dynamics you have with your mother likely began in childhood for you, you were not aware of them and they were your "normal". Now, as an adult, you can examine them.

Boundaries are not harsh or cruel- regardless of how your mother reacted. Boundaries allow us to interact with other people in emotionally healthy ways. This goes for all our relationships. You may not have learned how to have boundaries growing up- you can learn them now.

It's not easy work, and it sometimes is two steps foward, one step backwards but it's worth investing in yourself, so I encourage you to pursue it.

[zachira]

It is so hard to accept that we are the ones capable of doing the work at examining the dysfunctional dynamics in our families and that the disordered people in our lives usually are not, especially the ones with a personality disorder such as BPD and/or NPD. The work is particularly challenging when we have a disordered parent who has groomed their children to take the blame for how the parent feels inside when overwhelmed by their emotions. You are not alone. We get it here. So many of our members on PSI have been where you are, and there is lots of hope as you understand more and more what is happening and go forward in becoming a person in your own right, allowing your disordered family members to take full responsibility for their feelings and actions.

[Trying2Live]

Thank you for sharing your kind words.

What kind of counselor ended up helping you? Like did you find someone who specialized in your loved one's personality disorder? I was seeing a counselor but I didn't feel like she got it. My shoes are ones she's never walked in.

Also, what were the first steps you took to feel better after being discarded?

[Notwendy]

I have been to several counselors over time and some just listened to me vent. This one did too but pointed out that if we are venting, we aren't taking steps to change, so if I did vent, she "turned the mirror on me". She wouldn't allow me to feel like a victim, like these people did something to me. Yes, that actually did happen but she reminded me that if someone is in victim mode- they feel powerless. So taking account for my part in the dynamics- even if most of it wasn't because of me- would prompt me to make changes. I don't know what she specialized in but a counselor that makes us take action is the better one, IMHO.

She also advised me to go to 12 step CODA and ACA where a sponsor also did the same thing for me. I like these programs as they prompt us to make changes. But one has to do the whole thing. Coming to groups and venting doesn't promote change like working with a sponsor does.

It's not always comfortable and sometimes I felt angry at the counselor and sponsor-  but I could also see the results. It's like going to the gym and the trainer makes you do hard exercises and you hate it but then see the results.

We have to train to have new behaviors and it's uncomfortable at first. But it also has to be slow and gentle. You won't go into the gym and lift 100 lbs all at one time. You start with 5. Also go easy on yourself- sometimes we backtrack but if we stay with it, there will be progress.

How to feel better? Be good to yourself. Sometimes we don't know how to be nice to ourselves if our parents didn't show us how. Indulge your inner child but not so much that it isn't good for you. Eat your favorite foods ( obviously not too much of them), take walks outside, go to the park, get a mani/pedi if that is something you like. Listen to your favorite music, watch a movie. I think we get used to focusing on other people- now, focus on you.

Don't isolate yourself Reach out to someone- you may feel alone but if there's a neighbor, or friend- call them, just to say hello. If you have a religion- practice that. Go to religious services at wherever you choose and if that isn't your thing- take a class- exercise class, dance class- just get out and be around people for a bit. .

[Methuen]

Trying2Live.  I have been through everything you described except the dry alcoholic part. But being smothered, needing distance, having her show up at the house unannounced at any time (despite my telling her we needed advance notice and actual agreement), her letting herself into our home while we were gone (she actually gifted one of our belongings to her boyfriend while we were away on a holiday)...the silent treatments, the meanness, the rages, and the FEAR we have of our mothers.  I could go on.  Fast forward yourself 5-10 years.  That is where I am with my mom.  I am not going to rewrite my story here, it's on posts for the past 5 years.  But I have been where you are now.  It seems to me that you could be at a bit of a crossroads.  I will get to that.

My suggestions for moving forward are:

1) Differentiate from her.  Have you ever noticed historically that when she is happy, you feel better?  When she is dysregulated, you are distressed?  This isn't by chance.  This site has a lot of information and guidance on "differentiating".
2) Detach from her, with love.  This can only be done after doing work on differentiating.
3) Start to "re-parent" little Trying2Live, because she likely didn't get the nurturing from bpd mom.  One form of this is learning to self-love and self-care and be kind and forgiving to yourself.  This is something you don't get from your mom.  We have to learn how to do that for ourselves, because it has been drilled into us that our only job is to take care of them.  Kind of backwards, since they are the "parent", right?  This is called "parentification".
3) Find a new healthier perspective to come at this.  For example:

I am deeply saddened still. I left my mom. We had what a good times even with the crazy stuff. Now, I have lost whatever love there was from her to me and I'm living through the abandonment fear that she installed in me.

This is victim mode, and not helpful for your well being or personal growth.  Trying2Live, what do you want?  Do you want this mean mom back (who will never change), or do you want personal growth and a chance at happiness?

What makes you say "you left your mom"?  Do you truly believe that?  Or are those her words inside your brain saying that?  She chose to completely disregard and disrespect your boundaries.  Take work for example.  Why do you suppose she kept coming during the day when she knew you were working, even though she also knew this distressed you?  My friend, that is not love.

Once you had the key, why did you give it back to her?  You knew you shouldn't for your own well being and work efficiency, but you gave it to her anyways.  I have my answers, because I've been through this kind of stuff, but what do you think?

Trust me, I know the guilt.  The obligation.  The fear.  They are all bad, but for me the fear was the worst.  They chain us and make us prisoners.  But there is a path out of this if you choose it.

Do you have any benefits through work?  Can you access counselling, either through work or privately?  NW suggests 12 steps.  Another really great option and doesn't cost anything.

The only thing I see you've done wrong here is let her walk over you this long.  I did the same.  I am almost 63.  We allow them to disrespect us, over and over and over again, because they are our mother.  In fact, it is because they are our  mother that they should be nurturing, loving and respectful of our needs and independence.  But they can't.  So we have to do this for ourselves, or continue to be disrespected, miserable, and pitter away our lives in victim mode.

What gives me so much HOPE for you is this:

The thing is .. I don't feel bad about standing up for myself. I deserved to defend myself after a lifetime of taking any thing she dished out. She wasn't kind. I didn't deserve it. It was her fault. Finally I said it!

 Good for you!  Well done!!!

My H and I have been recording and documenting my mom's behaviors (she's 89), for the past few years in the form of phone recordings of her attacks and rages, emails, texts, and other dysfunctional behaviors that disrupt our lives and cause constant chaos.  Two reasons: 1) so we don't ever fall into the trap of blaming ourselves as she gaslights us all the time 2) to use in therapy/counselling to learn strategies for navigating this stuff.

My belief is that saying things to her isn't helpful.  She will attack anything you say to her, as you know.  Boundaries are "actions".  And "actions" speak louder than words.  Glad you got your key back.  If it ever turns out she has a spare copy stashed somewhere, I would change the locks.

On a personal note, my mom recently got out of hospital after a fall.  Ton of drama!  She completely hijacked our lives 24/7 for 2 weeks.  The discharge nurse looked after transition arragements for additional home care (from what she was already getting before the fall).  She also gave us a 38 min telephone pep talk on how we needed to set and hold stronger boundaries for my mom.  In that pep talk, she disclosed that her father was an alcoholic, and she did 12 steps, and the dynamics within alcoholic families and families with bpd members is similar.  It was like she was giving us permission to set "hard" boundaries with my mom, even though she's 89 and vulnerable, because she's also mean, manipulative, and personality disordered.  That "permission" was a gift.  Because sadly, my mom doesn't show the mean side to other people, and society just "expects" a daughter to care for her ailing mother.  But I have "cared" for my mother my entire life.  She has never "cared" for me.  Not even when I was 5 and had to walk home alone in a blinding snowstorm which included crossing a highway.  Schools were closed, and parents were called to come get their kids.  My mom was probably the only one who didn't come.  I got thrown down to the ground by the wind while crossing the highway.  Could have been run over.  When I got home crying, mom was angry at me because I took too long.  We all have a lifetime of these stories.  

So the crossroads is how you think about this.  Will you continue to say:  "I left my mom. We had what a good times even with the crazy stuff. Now, I have lost whatever love there was from her to me and I'm living through the abandonment fear that she installed in me."  Or can you do a paradigm shift and change it to something like:  "I accept my mom for who she is.  I cannot change that.  I can only change myself.  From this point on I choose myself first.  I will work to re-parent myself.  I will learn to set and hold boundaries.  I will find a new friend or two, and I will move forward with my life, as I want to live it.  She can be a part of it if she chooses.  But I can ask for and demand respect.  If she can't give it - that is her choice.  So any loss of relationship - is also her choice.

[zachira]

I learned that I had to interview therapists before I decided on working with one. What helped me the most was EMDR therapy because it allowed me to process the past and see myself in a new light.

[Methuen]

I too "vetted" my T.  I did a LOT of research online.  Then I spoke to them, and narrowed it down.  My current T is a clinical counsellor, and has a LOT of experience with BPD.  I would say experience with BPD is a must.  You can ask them if they have this before committing to be their client.  I gave some details of my story, and discussed it with her a bit, before committing.  It's been a very good fit, and we are so thankful for her support.  She "gets" it.