Just a brief hello to give me time to absorb having just found this site :)

[Crick]

Hello! Where do I start? Heavy sigh. I am carefully trying to avoid identifiers... LOL  I'm in my 60s and pity me not, as I have lived a stellar and WONDERFUL life, which was not easy, as I was raised by a BPD mom, who vacillated between the varying "types" of BPD, from the waif straight to the witch nearly daily.  She spent most of the years after my birth in bed in the fetal position, while my 1960's Dad did little to nothing to get her the help she needed, but thus my mom's BDP was "my fault."  I agree with someone above, who by now does feel that BPD is evil.  Sadly, I concur with that.  I have witnessed too numerous to count lives destroyed by BPD people, while they showed no mercy.  My brother has BPD - my sister does not but is a psych mess as a result. Because I was born later in my mom's life, I did very well in that everyone ignored me and the "village" raised me LOL I did not inherit the BPD gene, but for sure inherited the "fight" and humor genes as far as they were NOT gonna destroy me, no matter how hard my mom or brother tried, and I can still chuckle about it now and again. Things were so bad in my home, that if you Googled gaslighting experts, my family pic would flash up first.    But now... I have received a cancer DX, very shockingly, as I was very active and in great shape, and at first given months to live. I have 2 daughters and a son.  My son is a wonderful, kind, caring young man, a gentleman, who has risen to the occasion of my cancer.  One daughter is definitively BPD, and may know it from her own therapy - I've known for decades.  I'm not sure if she knows, and I for sure dare not ask. She is always "the witch" in my presence.  But long short, she has attacked me recently and cut me out of her life, for doing the unthinkable - stealing my pain meds, and is now focused on gaslighting my other daughter into how "dangerous" I am for them, how "horrible" a parent I was.. . unfortunately, we all know the game.  Oh, I had considered us all to be super close with great relationships til the day I came down with cancer.  BAM So, now my other daughter is floundering and, bipolar (her Dad and his entire family were all bipolar), and people pleaser she is, has taken sides with my BPD daughter, without fessing this up, though I am more than familiar with splitting, etc. To say that it has broken my heart is an understatement.  I am dying, and the only time, the first time in my life that the cards are reversed and I need them, even just their kindness, a hug, a phone call to see if I'm alive literally, they have shut me out plus destroyed me (temporarily) with the gaslighting and attacks on my very soul.  I understand the BPD mind and behavior, probably more than I do my own, having spent a lifetime literally in therapy on regular occasions every few years, to touch base on how I am doing dealing with my BPD relatives.  I am just crushed at the moment, and am just so glad I found this place, where it seems I may get understanding and a virtual hug. I need little emotionally from others to thrive by now.  I am giving both girls all the space they want - with stage 4 cancer, I literally cannot let myself be destroyed with unwarranted stress and grief, the likes of which I am powerless over.  (I think I omitted the detail that all 3 of my kids are in their 30s, young adults) Oh, I found the mantra here!!!  It is very impactful to me - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't fix it."  I think that was it?  At any rate, thanks for listening.  First time in my entire adult life that I feel so so very alone and despondent, and broken hearted.  Even with my ex-husband, I was so blessed in that my heart was never broken, until now. My daughters have broken it, but I know it will heal. Just gotta get there, right?  I never ever in a million years saw this coming, though I've known my daughter is BPD, just as I never saw the cancer coming. To be honest, losing my daughters has been 1000 times more painful and more of a surprise than the cancer. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Crick]

Sorry, I just read that I said a "brief" hello.... Ruh roh!!!

[Resiliant]

   Hi Crick,

It's so nice to "meet" you!

We have something in common - I too was in shock this summer after a cancer diagnosis when there is no history of cancer in my very large family and I am also a fit and athletic person although just a tad younger than you by maybe a couple of years (not too many). 

It's as if my son knew I was going to get attention from someone else and he had to grab it.  He had been doing so well and we had such a great (long distance) relationship for most of the last few years and suddenly BOOM.   On my way to visit my radiologist for the first time I was text bombed the worst stuff he has ever sent me in his life.  And I thought it was bad before.  I had no choice but to block him for my own sanity to focus on my health in the most positive way.

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis and your struggles with your daughters at this time.  Your son is a blessing!

You know, I couldn't sleep tonight so I prayed and then decided to come onto this site.  I had been imagining yelling at the devil to get out of my son and leave him alone.  Then I read your note about agreeing with someone who feels BPD is evil.  I can understand that.   None of us are blameless, and for the person suffering from BPD it brings out the very worst in that person.  All of the neurotransmitters firing on the amygdala (emotional brain) and none going to the prefrontal cortex (rational brain).

I'm so glad you found the mantra and yes, you got it right!

Take good care of yourself, glad you are here.

R

[Crick]

Thank you so much, R, for sharing that with me.  Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, we do share a few things in common. First, I am so very sorry for your cancer diagnosis and wish you strength and optimism for your journey, and I also wish you strength regarding your son.  You did make me think of that other angle of an "attention" grab. Very interesting and something I will be pondering... though, again, I try to sparingly use my energy for this.  This daughter, while I don't believe she exhibits BPD, does crave attention/drama 24/7, always plays the victim card in life.  Attention - one thing this daughter will say to me that is simply, to me, a conversation ender... and perhaps its purpose, but a while back, she may have called and said "How are you?  What's new in your treatment?"   I'd reply, Oh, I'm really doing okay now, I feel good... I'm excited, as a radiation oncologist thinks he can help..." to which she will invariably reply "Oh, you always make things about YOU."   I will stop and say huh?  Of course, I did have to deal with chemo brain about a year ago, not pleasant, but your brain is a bit slowed, shall we say. But she would always quickly divert into that statement, and I would be bewildered and ask her to explain, ya know?  Because I want to understand that of which I am being accused of.  Someone asks you a question, you answer, and get rebuked with "you always make this about you."  LOL but not LOL.   I finally decided its a defense mechanism, a conversation stopper.  I am also sorry your son text bombed  you.  In the wee hours of the night, I have also been "pondering" of late how technology has made some of our situations worse by limiting, to me, communication rather than broadening it.  Back in the day, we'd actually have to talk face to face, or have actual phone conversations - to me, sadly, it is so easy for people who so choose, to just hide behind texts, hit and run with their message, leaving you limited opportunity to reply meaningfully or in depth.  The spoken word is so beautiful and can be thorough, even if a negative topic, compared to the cold brevity/limit of typed words and emojis. Again, I likely should not speak here of this 1 daughter who is NOT BPD that I am aware; however, she is currently being actively manipulated by the BPD daughter - she does NOT understand the splitting, gaslighting, etc, yet.  I thank you so much for responding.  It was, indeed, very nice "meeting" you, though I am sorry for the circumstances of both C and BPD in our lives currently.  I am sorry of your son's reaction as well.  May we both, during this time, focus on our health and the positive.  Thanks for giving me food for thought on the attention grab angle - this particular daughter does so crave attention 24/7.  I see this aspect clearly now that you've mentioned that   Thank you

[CC43]

Hello posters,

I'm sorry you've had it so rough, dealing with BPD behaviors and then health issues on top of that.  But from the tone of your messages, I detect enormous inner strength and wisdom.  Maybe you've built up your coping muscles after years of adversity.  I hope you can continue to draw on that strength when you need it most.

I'm replying because I notice a couple of things in your messages, and maybe the added perspective might help.  First, your loved one with BPD tends to lash out precisely when you need some support.  I've experienced that with the loved one with BPD in my life.  For example, right when we are getting ready to depart on a trip, she'll have a meltdown.  Or right when we start a new job or have a new project, she'll have a meltdown.  The way I see this is that she feels abandoned, and/or that she's not firmly in the center of our universe for the moment.  The news of a change in our circumstances is probably destabilizing to her, provoking the meltdown.  Even though you might think, hey, I'm moving only an hour away, the kids have left the home, it's time for me to move into a home that fits my current lifestyle . . . to her, she doesn't have a home anymore (even if she has her own apartment).  She's thinking, we're leaving her, abandoning her, not putting her needs above our own.  Though she's a full-grown adult, I think she still thinks like she's a child, and that we are supposed to be there, never evolve, and remain responsible for all her needs.  Any inkling of leaving, or pulling away, or diverting some of our attention away from her, and encouraging her to step up and be responsible for herself, even momentarily, is interpreted as a threat to her world.  Rather than be happy for us, or supporting our next phase of life, or offering a little support (emotional and/or physical), she has a meltdown.  At a minimum, change is hard for her, even if she isn't directly experiencing the change.  Does that make any sense?

In parallel, if she's hurling insults at you, they might be projections of her own issues.  For example, when she asks about your illness and you respond with details, she gets upset and then accuses you of making things about you.  Variations of this theme might be to call you a drama queen, self-centered, attention-seeking or unhealthy.  Well, in my interpretation, what she's really saying is that she's the one who makes everything about her, and even if you take a few seconds to talk about yourself in response to her questioning, she'll be furious.  When she asks about you, she likely only asks  (i) because she really wants you to ask about her, or (ii) to confirm that you will continue to support her fully.  Subconsciously she might be punishing you for her own insecurities about being a drama queen, about always needing to be the center of attention.  To me, this is a form of projection.  She's projecting onto you the issues that plague her most.  I bet she ruminates about her needs and perceived deficiencies practically non-stop, and that she's obsessive about them, so that her perception of the world is distorted by those negative thoughts, and she's actively looking for any signs that your trying to steal her spotlight, remove any support, or focus on yourself for once.  Does that sound about right?

[Crick]

Wow! Thank you sooooooooooooooo much for taking the time to share your thoughts. I would say that sounds about 100% right.   Thank you for your post. I am going to read it and re-read it multiple times.  I guess I find it so hard to understand that part of my daughter, well... I just never "go there" personally in my mind, not being self-centered, sometimes its beyond my imagination the ruminations that are very likely going on daily, as you so aptly described, and the abandonment!!  Its interesting you brought that up, as I don't think I even got to mention that in my LONG "brief" post. LOL  But we were together for a few years after my divorce, just me and the 3 adult kids. One by one on their own steam, they each left the nest. All knew I wanted to return to my hometown area a few hours away and start a new life, but back in my town of origin.  Living there had been taken away from me by my ex, who blamed all his problems on still living near our hometown, thus we migrated frequently. Whole different story, but the point being, I invited all 3 kids to come with, all 4 of us move North, as we all hated where we were.  They were overwhelmed by the busy-ness of the North, the hustle, and opted out of the move with me, while I longed for that same busy-ness that deterred them. At any rate, my son as well chose to move, but not with me, only about an hour away from his 2 sisters.  Well, things were never ever the same and I understood that despite my best preps, the 2 girls were feeling abandoned, though it was, of course imagined.  I had lived near them, stayed, for 2 years after the final child left the nest, believing that was a long enough time period to ensure all were well and none needed to fly back to me, though they also all knew my home, wherever the locale, was their home, too. Know what I mean? But I do believe this move of mine and my son as well, was a huge issue after all, though they never addressed it, of course.  But I knew in my heart, based on the BPD, that abandonment would be an issue, and it was, despite my best efforts. Ironically, while I was hospitalized, the girls chose to move me back down to where they are, their idea, NOT mine, though I was far too ill to object.  And no sooner did I get here, then basically I've been "punished"... I'm here and now they flat out have literally abandoned me.  Oh, the irony of living with BPD people... Yes, I do have a lifetime of experience dealing with BPD loved ones... the emotional pain is so cruel. I admit, never did I really let my brain wrap around the fact that, having survived being raised by a BPD mom, I'd have to encounter this cruelty again thru children.  Thus the "beauty" of genetics................... Thank you so much for your wise and helpful thoughts.   Projecting, yes.  I've got to review all that later, and abandonment... YES! and currently... I have lots of pondering to do now with the new perspectives offered me here. Thank you!

[CC43]

I'm glad to have helped, if only to shed some light on the dysfunctional and/or warped thinking process involved with BPD.  In my stepdaughter's case, my takeaway is that her thinking is very negative--not only about others and their (evil) intentions, but also about herself.  She's hard on everyone, and especially on herself.  She's very needy, and so her expectations are constantly unmet, making her feel perpetually dissatisfied.  Sometimes I call it her permafrosty attitude (not aloud, just to myself).  She used to embrace a victim attitude, which is hard to escape, because it involves a sense of persecution and powerlessness, a learned helplessness.  Sound familiar?  However, even if you understand your daughter's distorted thinking and dysfunctional behavior, that doesn't necessarily make you feel much better.  Maybe you can feel a tiny bit better knowing that it's not your fault.  It's the untreated illness, not you!

Some of the key themes on these boards are understanding that you are not at fault.  When you realize this, then maybe the nasty accusations and the vicious meltdowns won't hurt you personally so much, though it's never fun seeing a loved one suffer.  Nevertheless, you have to put yourself first--because if you don't, nobody will.  If your loved ones are abusing you, then you owe it to yourself to protect yourself from that abuse.  That may mean you block nasty messages for a time.  That may mean you take a temporary "break" from your daughter.  If you let her abuse you, then what she's really learning is that nasty behavior is rewarded, if only by your attention.  With BPD, even negative attention is attention.  In essence you are confirming that you're responsible, and that could lead her to escalate. 

[Crick]

Thank you so much again for all your thoughts and perspectives on my situation. I came on here to re-read the reply posts, to reabsorb the wisdom. While I have had a lifetime dealing with BPD, there is still so much to learn about this disorder.  Your insights have been very helpful to me, and I will re-read all daily to be sure the wisdom/knowledge sinks in.  This is going to sound weird, perhaps, but... my entire 65 years on this planet, I have had to deal with BPD and navigate those rough waters, and I have done so, for the most part succesfully as far as protecting my "self," me.  This time, however, and this is the difficult part to word -  I am having a tough time shaking the hateful things said to me because I am framing it under the cancer theme - like, these things MUST be true given the gravity of my terminal illness.  Know what I mean? Like, rather than analyzing it and understanding that my illness is what is exacerbating this response from my BPD person, I'm flipping it on myself, first time in my life, that these horrible accusations MUST be true, because who on earth would hurl insults at a dying person.  That is where FINALLY my armor against BPD was starting to crack - and also because I literally don't feel well.  But somehow I found this forum and you guys are helping me so much, reminding me, and teaching me some new angles.  Thank you!   Now of all times, I have to focus on myself, health, body and spirit without fail.