Moving forward

[Parents! Get help here!]

Looking for hope. My child started experiencing swings that come and go at 16, we got help, counseling, bloodwork, changed schools, things would go in episodes. Then she stopped help and it was some destructive behavior but she wouldn’t allow me in so remained available, and in time she had learned well to manage for the most part and would come to me for understanding. Then she got pregnant and postpartum hit hard, our relationship remained stable but after two years the father and her split. Due to circumstances they lost their sitter, so I became the go to, she was diagnosed and on mood stabilizers and somewhat managed except during times with the x, as well as stressful situations, I remained the go to person for both of them, for three years both come at me for answers and support. About 6 months ago I let them know I can not keep being in this, I suggested my daughter to redeem counseling, she has refused, I still did assist with financial budgeting, in which she thanked and accepted, our relationship was strong but still remained a huge impact on my life. He would still reach out to tell me how they had gotten into it every few weeks and to talk to her about it, she would do the same and I continued to tell him that it has went on for too long and I can not keep getting pulled in. I am literally talking a few times a month he would say he yelled at her again or she would be crying that she can’t keep dealing with him and that the only way for her to heal was move away.During this time I had quit my job to help because they needed a sitter and I also needed a break( I held a position for years helping people, reasons that I knew how to support my daughter). My daughter maxed out all her bills, I had to help with insurance, I would ultimately get paid back, again I remained available but had stepped back as much as possible. Until I got drug into again this week by the x, only this time it was that she had not renewed her child’s insurance. So her and I sat down and discussed if she needed help, she said no, we discussed her finances, she had no money till payday,  so we decided upon a few days for her to come over to have dinner, 3 days later we had dinner together it was a normal happy day until I asked about the insurance, she immediately flared up-something I had not experienced in years and screaming,I went and sat her back down, as she continued screaming at this time I am yelling as well. Unfortunately, I live next to the police station, they heard it and came, she insisted I was choking her( I am sure this is how she felt) but myself and witnesses questioned separately all say and confirmed I put my hand on her shoulders to sit her down. I was arrested for domestic violence. She did not want to press charges but the law is the law. Ultimately it seems like things will be dismissed. Although we have no contact for now, she has reached out to siblings to check on me so I believe we will repair and heal, it’s just breaking me. I had not seen her like that for years, it all happened so fast, right now I am breaking because I know that I can never again get into this loop with her, however I have been the only person that has ever understood and not judged, remained her calm person, that day I broke, somewhat in shock, my husband and other children said they had never seen her like that to me, and I just broke because she needed to sit down and stop walking away from responsibility, I think if it wouldn’t have been neglecting insurance for her son, I would have let her walk away. I can think about the what ifs all day long and I am healing from that. So long story short, 99.9% of the time I did all I could and was the only person who understood her, now I can not even after the no contact order is lifted, and the charges will have a no plea, which means if ever another situation arose they could get me( although completely unlikely, until last week I wouldn’t have thought this was possible). I love my daughter, I understand her pain, I understand the instability of her emotions, I have and will continue yo always suggest and encourage her counseling, but had anyone had similar situations, how did you rebuild your relationship with not being roped by into the continual roller coaster?

[Broken73]

Looking for hope. My child started experiencing swings that come and go at 16, we got help, counseling, bloodwork, changed schools, things would go in episodes. Then she stopped help and it was some destructive behavior but she wouldn’t allow me in so remained available, and in time she had learned well to manage for the most part and would come to me for understanding. Then she got pregnant and postpartum hit hard, our relationship remained stable but after two years the father and her split. Due to circumstances they lost their sitter, so I became the go to, she was diagnosed and on mood stabilizers and somewhat managed except during times with the x, as well as stressful situations, I remained the go to person for both of them, for three years both come at me for answers and support. About 6 months ago I let them know I can not keep being in this, I suggested my daughter to redeem counseling, she has refused, I still did assist with financial budgeting, in which she thanked and accepted, our relationship was strong but still remained a huge impact on my life. He would still reach out to tell me how they had gotten into it every few weeks and to talk to her about it, she would do the same and I continued to tell him that it has went on for too long and I can not keep getting pulled in. I am literally talking a few times a month he would say he yelled at her again or she would be crying that she can’t keep dealing with him and that the only way for her to heal was move away.During this time I had quit my job to help because they needed a sitter and I also needed a break( I held a position for years helping people, reasons that I knew how to support my daughter). My daughter maxed out all her bills, I had to help with insurance, I would ultimately get paid back, again I remained available but had stepped back as much as possible. Until I got drug into again this week by the x, only this time it was that she had not renewed her child’s insurance. So her and I sat down and discussed if she needed help, she said no, we discussed her finances, she had no money till payday,  so we decided upon a few days for her to come over to have dinner, 3 days later we had dinner together it was a normal happy day until I asked about the insurance, she immediately flared up-something I had not experienced in years and screaming,I went and sat her back down, as she continued screaming at this time I am yelling as well. Unfortunately, I live next to the police station, they heard it and came, she insisted I was choking her( I am sure this is how she felt) but myself and witnesses questioned separately all say and confirmed I put my hand on her shoulders to sit her down. I was arrested for domestic violence. She did not want to press charges but the law is the law. Ultimately it seems like things will be dismissed. Although we have no contact for now, she has reached out to siblings to check on me so I believe we will repair and heal, it’s just breaking me. I had not seen her like that for years, it all happened so fast, right now I am breaking because I know that I can never again get into this loop with her, however I have been the only person that has ever understood and not judged, remained her calm person, that day I broke, somewhat in shock, my husband and other children said they had never seen her like that to me, and I just broke because she needed to sit down and stop walking away from responsibility, I think if it wouldn’t have been neglecting insurance for her son, I would have let her walk away. I can think about the what ifs all day long and I am healing from that. So long story short, 99.9% of the time I did all I could and was the only person who understood her, now I can not even after the no contact order is lifted, and the charges will have a no plea, which means if ever another situation arose they could get me( although completely unlikely, until last week I wouldn’t have thought this was possible). I love my daughter, I understand her pain, I understand the instability of her emotions, I have and will continue yo always suggest and encourage her counseling, but had anyone had similar situations, how did you rebuild your relationship with not being roped by into the continual roller coaster?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

how did you rebuild your relationship with not being roped by into the continual roller coaster?

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were clear-cut answers.  The truth, however, is that your daughter has to want to change and take therapy seriously.  She has to make that choice on her own and want it so badly...nothing changes until she wants it to.

There's some truth in there for you as well though, and it's that you can't change her.  You can help in a crisis, sure, but its coming at the expense of your own mental health.  You must put yourself first in those situations and when it becomes too much, withdraw from the drama for your own sake.  This may upset your daughter and that's because you have a one-way relationship where she gets all the benefit.  That has to stop because it's not fair to you...it's hurting you.

Take this no-contact period to focus on yourself and accept that your daughter is ultimately responsible for herself.  Only she can make changes and the more you swoop in to save the day, the longer it will take for her to even consider therapy.  It's not your job to save her...and you can't save her anyway.  Only she can save herself by choosing a different life.

I am all too familiar with the what-ifs.  But that's blaming yourself in such un unfair way.  If she harms herself or someone else, that's her choice and that choice may lead her to taking therapy seriously.  You must let her deal with those decisions on her own, she has to choose.