uBPD wife in constant mild episode since progesteron therapy

[olafinski]

Hi,
my uBPD wife for 17 years has started progesteron theraphy couple of weeks ago (to stop thickening of endometrium, as a precaution).
Before starting, she told me to be understanding cause this might affect her. As I am quite used to be tolerant because of her (highly functioning undiagnosed) BPD, I said OK.

Now after a couple of weeks I have realized that she is in constant episode, but mild, in a way that she seems quite calm, controls her temper, but remains cold and distant as while she is in an BPD episode, mentioning how she is miserable and wants a divorce but I am keeping her "locked down".

Today she again raised the topic of her going into a negative spiral with eating, because she wants to lose some weight (she is quite OK for her 50y, but she was really slim as a girl and has negative self image), and whatever she tries, there is a side-effect that prevents her from continuing because of her medical conditions (heart palpitations when hungry, can not exercise because of thalasemia minor, digestion issues when on protein diets cause sensitive guts etc).

From there is quickly went to the already known "I never loved you, I was with you for objective reasons and I want a divorce but you are keeping me locked in this marriage for 17 years".
But it is different now when she is in therapy because I don't see strong ups and downs. It is more like she is constantly in an episode but moderate, and only drops a bit at intervals, behaving normally towards me, but not allowing me to approach her even with holding hands while we walk.

We have a 14yo son in a very sensitive phase, about to start high school, starting adolescence slowly, and I am afraid how all of this is affecting her. I have good on-the-side communication with him about "strange head" that mom has. Today I told him that she is "high" and again wants to divorce, and he said "yeah, same thing as last 14 years". I said, well, do you think we should divorce? He said, no, at least for 4 years until I am 18 and od legal age.

I also have a step-son 25yo living with us, about to start a job, but he said that he won't leave our home until he has a steady girlfriend because he doesn't want to live alone.  This is a problem because our place is not built for two adult kids. Our little one has currently only a small room where he plays and studies, but sleeps in our bedroom on a separate bed because my wife kicked me out for snorring. Our big one is also a really aggressive alpha young man, like his dad, and always wants things his way which we tolerate cause otherwise he is basically bullying us, creating fights etc.

So basically until our big one moves away, we are in a really bad situation and that tension is constant.

I am not sure whether to behave as before, playing her game but in fact ignoring it, waiting for her to come down to earth, or to take this more seriously. She never expresses suicidal behaviour, but her aunt killed herself when she was around around her age, a bit older. I am afraid, must admit.

Both versions seem wrong: If I divorce her (not sure off course if she would really go through with it, but I could insist, I never did so far, but I could, because I am not sure this is OK for you little one anymore...), she might realise that she made a mistake, cause I am not sure that she will find another one that would tolerate her behaviour, and I doubt that she will be able to live alone (although she states that when divorce she will never live with a man ever again), and this might push her down. She is to proud to admit that and this might be really terrible.

If we don't divorce, but she remains in her current state of mind, she will feel as if she is trapped by me and can not get out, torn with her love towards our little one, not wanting to ruin his life. She often says an example of her friend that divorced and her daughter got leukemia for the stress. So this might also move her towards auto-destruction.

Lost here to be honest...

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[CC43]

That’s a tough dynamic you’re in. I wonder, if you push the emotional dynamic aside, could you focus on how things ought to be, and on what people should be doing?

It sounds to me that it’s time for your 25-year-old to move out. He’s an adult, and you need the space. If you wait around until he doesn’t feel lonely, you could wait forever. Many young people initially live in an apartment with a same-sex roommate, for companionship and to economize. That could be an option, which would be his choice. Maybe you could encourage your son to move out, and help him get started by providing some furniture or the security deposit, and inviting him to dinner or to stop by for laundry at any time. My BPD stepdaughter lives with a couple other girls in an apartment, but she has dinner with us around once a week these days. That’s a much better arrangement for everyone.

Your wife says she’s trapped. That sounds like venting to me, because is she doing anything about it?  She’s an adult too. If she wanted to feel less trapped, maybe she’d focus on hobbies, travel or taking a course. If she’s determined to get a divorce, then why hasn’t she hired a lawyer, or offered to try marriage counseling?  Is she getting therapy herself?

It seems that your family members expect you to solve their problems, when the problems aren’t for you to solve. Instead of doing things to make them feel better, they are fine with the status quo. But are you fine with the status quo?  Maybe you are. If that’s the case, then you can tune out all the whining and venting. To me, the empty words don’t drag me down so much. I focus on the actions. I’m pretty happy when people are doing what they are supposed to be doing, even if it’s uncomfortable for a while. It’s OK to have a bad day, and feel tired from time to time, as long as everyone is moving in the right direction towards their goals. What gets me down is when people quit, when they stop trying.

Now I know how hard it is to deal with BPD, especially when I am the target of blame. But that’s the issue right there:  I am NOT to blame. It’s BPD’s fault, not my fault. Thus I can’t fix the problem; only the person with BPD can do that. All I can do is protect myself from harm. The words don’t harm me that much, because I know that’s the illness talking. Most of the time, I give my loved one a time out when she’s riled up.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi olafinski,

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but boy can I sure relate. My dBPDw is 46 and is going through perimenopause. There is a scientific link to hormones influencing BPD symptoms. I have noticed throughout our 13 years together that her symptoms worsened with her cycle (think really, really bad PMS...but with BPD symptoms involved), her BPD went out of control when she got pregnant, went even more out of control post-partum, and has hit a constant level of dysfunction now that the hormonal changes of perimenopause have her all over the charts hormonally. As your wife not only navigates the hormones of the progesterone treatment, but also the hormonal ups and downs of perimenopause or menopause, get ready for the roller coaster to continue.

The one constructive piece of advice that I can give you is about the divorce threats. My wife used to constantly make them until I finally got so sick of it I called her bluff. YMMV, but I was at the point where I would have preferred her actually filing for divorce than to hear the threats even one more time. I simply said to her (paraphrasing here) "I do not want a divorce, but if that is what you want, you will have to get an attorney and file papers. At that point I will have my own attorney and we will communicate about the divorce through our lawyers and only through our lawyers from then on. I am done talking about this with you. If this is what you really want, then our lawyer can talk to each other, but I will never discuss this with you again."

It worked. I would say that the divorce threats have lessened by at least 95%. When they do crop up occasionally, I simply restate a version of what I said the first time and that rapidly defangs the serpent. I do not recommend this approach unless you, as I was, are sick of the threats to the point where if she follows through you would be ok with that. I have learned that with my wife the divorce threats, like so much else, are just a way for her to emotionally manipulate me with fear. I took that tool away from her and it felt really good to remove that arrow from her quiver. In general, the boundaries that I have put in place over the past 19 months have eliminated tools from her manipulation/control toolbox one at a time. If you have not read the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad, I would highly recommend it. It provided me with the actionable advice that I needed to start laying boundaries to take control of my life back.

HurtAndTired