I am not answering calls from my child right now. They have been calling a few times a day, and I never answer.
So they talk to their dad. I probably would have started answering but got a text over the weekend that they hate me, etc.
My question- if every call is badgering and there are no civil conversations at all, do you ever pick up? I wrote to her I would be willing to talk if it was civil and kind, and she said I have no right to decide what civil or kind is.
Great question- and a very tough answer is incoming.
If your daughter was a stranger that spoke to you like that, it would be so very easy to never have anything to do with that person ever again. Because the reason wouldn't matter, the circumstances wouldn't matter...they were a jerk and you deserve better than that.
But this isn't a stranger, this is your daughter and she's mentally ill. So much so, that she truly believes that she's the constant victim to your abuse.
It would be so easy to dismiss that statement and blame it on BPD; it's the other way around, right? She's the one who abuses you by asking for an inch and taking a mile. I'm sure that's true. But she's also mentally ill and feels like the entire world is working against her.
In her mind, she feels like she's being abused...which means she's literally being abused by her own thoughts and emotions. The abuse she feels is real and she struggles with it every day. It crushes her self image, crushes her spirits, and makes her feel worthless.
All because you're abusing her...which isn't true...but it's true within her mind and she's mentally being abused because of it. We also know that the mental abuse leads to all sorts of real world physical health problems.
Can you see where I'm going with this?
I am not calling you an abuser. Yet the tension between the two of you has the exact same effect. And it would be so easy to say that if it's wasn't the relationship between the two of you bringing her down, then it could be literally anyone else she has major problems with. That's all true, the problem here isn't you...it's mental illness and the chaos it brings.
Yet this is your daughter and she needs her mom, so she can't walk away either. It hurts too much.
One of the core trainings in DBT therapy is radical acceptance, which is the process of accepting things the way they are, even when they're uncomfortable or painful. We practice radical acceptance for BPDs not because they deserve it, not because we owe them, but because it lessens their internal suffering and it helps heal relationships.
If your daughter gets abusive in person or on the phone, then by all means you should walk away. That's the best move to protect your own mental health. But at the same time, it is so critically important to realize that your kid isn't just being mean for the heck of it, she's doing it because she's suffering and she's searching for compassion.
So throw her some grace here and there by forgiving the last unfair outburst. No, you shouldn't take it....never just accept abuse and pretend it's rainbows and unicorns. Call out right from wrong, then take the appropriate action. At the same time though, you have to forgive her and let go of who did what. It's not a fair fight since she's mentally ill; she literally can't be the bigger person when she's unhinged.
Getting back to the question- when should you answer? In my opinion, every time you can. But you should also end the call when things turn south and reinforce healthy boundaries...that you love her but her behavior is unacceptable. Then follow that up with you'll talk to her later.
Why? Because her biggest fear is being abandoned, it crushes her inside. It's so very important that you make it known that you're not going anywhere...you're just stepping away for a moment because she's harming your mental health.
I hope that helps!
