Broken

[Tee1234]

Hi, not sure where to start tbh. My daughter is 21 she started having what I’d call melt downs at 15 after her Nan my mum passed away, she started self harming and talked of suicide I managed to get online counselling as this was during COVID, doctors weren’t of any help. On going back to school she struggled with peers and then her brother, I then found out she’d used my bank card racking up thousands of pounds on Amazon, I’m divorced from her dad but we still parented together, over the years things got worse then she’d change for the better, she is just finishing uni.
June 2023 she was heading back to uni and we sat and talked me telling her I was so proud of her and I felt I could trust her again, did she need any money. She looked me in the eye saying she was fine for money, I found out the next day she’d stolen my life savings £23000 said she needed it for accommodation.
She’s since moved in with her boyfriend and his parents I’m sure he knew she’d taken the money as he’d follow her just to get a glass of water.
She started getting nasty with me in front of him, she now lives with him and his parents. Anyway she messaged 3 months after moving out saying she was pregnant, I’ll never get to meet my grandson. I messaged her this week again saying I was proud she was continuing with uni and bringing up a baby. The abuse I received…. I caused her bdp it’s might fault as I’d had loads of men (I dated a guy 10 years after I divorced) I never listened to her I got hysterical all the time (no, I like  other parents would get upset) at being spoken/treated nasty. I listened for hours/days getting support for her. I’ve now been told I was nasty to mum/nan on her deathbed, I’m broken at this cruel disease we were so close and with my mum all the time till she passed, apparently my mum hated me, I know that not to be true. Am I a bad person? She said her family (boyfriends parents) are amazing I said I pleased she has support. Her final words to me were I’ve finally seen the mother you are and I won’t be that mother to my child then blocked me.
Does this make me a bad parent that I actually feel relief she’s blocked me, she’s now having issues with her dad as unfortunately he will say anything to keep her happy as I believe he’s slightly scared of her.
I’m sure my post makes no sense I feel I’ve just rambled.
She’s now turned my son against me, he wasn’t there when Nan/mum was dying it was over in weeks a shock to us all, he is believing what his sister is telling him and won’t speak to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Does this make me a bad parent that I actually feel relief she’s blocked me, she’s now having issues with her dad as unfortunately he will say anything to keep her happy as I believe he’s slightly scared of her.

Hello and welcome to the family!  Don't worry, your post made perfect sense.

Let's start with the big picture stuff; you were a good mom until your mom died, and now you're a bad mom and the BF's parents are great, etc.

BPD's often see things in black and white, meaning that someone is all good or all bad.  For example, if you remember your kid saying, "You were NEVER there for me" or "You ALWAYS blame me for this..."  That's black and white thinking.

BPD's also tend to have a favorite person or a close inner circle that can never do any wrong, even if the entire world sees them as flawed.  That's another aspect of that black and white thinking though- she loves who she's closest to, they love her, and that means the rest of the world is simply not important at the moment.

Third quick lesson, BPD's tend to see things from a warped point of view when they're dysregulated, meaning that almost anything could come out of their mouths (like your mom didn't like you) during these times.  The technical term is splitting and they can go from, "I love my mom" to "My mom has always been a monster" in a matter of minutes.

These three traits, along with a tremendous fear of abandonment and low self esteem, are at the crux of everything that drives BPD.  It may help to know, however, that the people they love the most are the ones that take most of their wrath.

Now let's talk about you.  Because of your kid's mental health, you've been through the ringer over the years.  I can relate because I have a 26 year old BPD daughter (and a BPD ex wife).  I went though the same things, the same accusations, and from 15-20 she told everyone that I was the devil.  That hurt quite a bit, but I know now that she felt that way because I didn't buy into her narratives or her manipulation, so she couldn't walk all over me.

By the way, today our relationship is excellent- we're close.  But that's only because she took her mental health seriously a few years back and i forgave her for everything.

Your daughter is responsible for her own life while you're responsible for yours.  Her words are fueled by unstable emotions...if her life were perfect like she says, then she wouldn't be telling you off or doing the same to her dad.  She's simply trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty because then she wins....you go overboard to fight for her love and she doesn't have to change.

I'll tell you, when my daughter blocked me or she moved away in a rage, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of me.  This might sound bad, but when she was admitted to mental hospitals for a week stay, my ex wife and I would go on vacation just to reset from all the abuse.  We'd visit her in the facility each day but once we left, we were hitting the beach or the mountains having a good old time.  Because that's what we needed to raise a kid like that, we needed to give ourselves some grace.

You're not a bad mother, and to be honest you're a much better parent than me since I would have had my kid sent to jail for the two big thefts.  She would have hated me, but it's so incredibly important to teach right from wrong.  Your kid has no clue what the real world is really like.

Enjoy your "blocked time" and focus on your own mental health.  Your kid will be sick of dad and be in touch with you soon enough...that's the BPD cycle of constantly burning bridges and painting people black/white as needed.  My suggestion is to invest in this site and learn about healthy boundaries to avoid being hurt so deeply in the future. 

It's a ton of work and it's not a bit fair, but you will get through this!

[Tee1234]

Pook075 thank you for your reply, you really did understand what I was trying to say. Thank you

[CC43]

Hi there Tee,

You've had it really rough, it's no wonder you are reeling after your daughter stole from you (twice) while having the gall to call you an abusive mom, when it sounds like you've been exceptionally supportive.  I know it's hard to be a single parent, and that nobody is perfect, but based on what you've written, it sounds like you did the absolute best that you could.  Look, if your daughter has BPD, the first thing you should know is that it is NOT your fault.  I hope you can stop feeling you're responsible, no matter how much your daughter tries to blame you for all her problems.  Playing the victim and blaming parents is a very typical feature of BPD, and though I don't believe it's one of the criteria for diagnosing BPD, if you read these boards, it certainly sounds like it should be!  Even so, it's not fun to see your daughter struggle and suffer so much.  I'm sure you want to help ease her pain, but nothing seems to work, right?  The more you try to help, the more she seems to self-destruct and lash out, blaming you in the process, and it's just heartbreaking.

If you read these boards, I think you'll see that many aspects of your daughter's story (and your mutual pain) will resonate.  For starters, you noted some BPD behaviors emerging while your daughter was a teen, and they seemed to become super-sized when she became a young adult trying to make her way in the world.  You may try to link the emergence of her issues with specific events, such as a death in the family or Covid, but I think the reality is that the behaviors would emerge even if there weren't a major trigger.  That's because at the root of BPD is emotional dysregulation--it's as if a person with BPD has hyper-sensitive, hair-trigger emotions that make her perceive the world as a series of traumatic experiences.  She's basically primed to have a trauma-like response to daily stressors, typically fight or flight, and she has a pervasively negative attitude.  Does she fight with you endlessly over seemingly inconsequential things?  Does she deal with stress through flight, manifesting as avoidance, procrastination, cutting family out of her life, quitting activities or terminating friendships?  It's her way of coping, because dealing with issues (and people) head-on is just too painful for her to bear.  Her emotions take over, and when she's unhinged, she just can't think logically, or listen to logical arguments, or show any empathy, because she's in fight or flight mode.  Does that sound familiar and make any sense?

And then there's the victim attitude, which I mentioned before.  In my opinion, this is one of the worst features of BPD.  You see, I think that deep down, she feels inferior and insecure; she might not really know who she is or what she wants.  As she tries out "adulting," it's just too hard and too much pressure for her to bear!  She's easily frustrated and derailed by minor setbacks, and since she doesn't really know who she is, what she wants or how to set goals and execute on her plans, she crumbles in an emotional mess, and she tends to stay a mess for a long time.  Taking responsibility for her life and mistakes is too PAINFUL, and to cope, what does she do?  She blames everyone else.  Since she's still a young adult, that usually means she blames YOU.  So instead of looking forwards and problem-solving, she's looking backwards, digging up grievances from childhood to explain why she's so messed up.  She blames you for all her failures and bad choices, even if you had absolutely nothing to do with them.  She wants you to pay; she wants retribution.  Does that sound about right?  The problem is, for as long as she's the victim, she thinks everyone else needs to change, not her.  And she will probably resist therapy, unless the therapist allows her to devote all her time to raking you over the coals.

It seems that right now, she's happy to be estranged from you, because she's found someone else to house and care for her.  I bet she thinks that she's punishing you with her absence.  I know that stings, but my advice is, try to take advantage of the relatively quiet period to focus on you and your health and well being.  You might think of it as giving your daughter an "adult time out" after a throwing a tantrum.  My tip is, don't interrupt the time out--let her decide when she's ready to engage with you again.  If your daughter is reliant on you, my bet is that she'll be back soon enough.  And indeed, she may claim that her new boyfriend and living situation is perfect.  If that's the case, then you can be really happy for her!  But I strongly suspect that if your daughter has untreated BPD, something will snap soon enough.  But in the meantime, take care of you.  In fact, I think you should model for your children what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes doing some fun things for yourself.

I know this situation must be tearing you apart, but I'd like to offer a little perspective.  First off, your daughter is smart and at least reasonably functional, as she managed to finish (or almost finish) university.  That is a MAJOR accomplishment for someone with BPD, where volatile emotions can easily derail studies and could have prevented her from concentrating on her assignments and exams.  Second of all, she's still very young.  She has most of her life ahead of her.  If she got the right treatment for BPD, she could avoid derailing her life.  I guess the bad news is that, in order for therapy to work, she has to want to make some changes so that she can start to feel better.

[Tee1234]

CC43 thank you for your reply x