I appreciate the feedback, but unfortunately a lot of the problem is that this is an important friend of mine. I really don’t want to let go of that friendship, because it’s a positive thing in my life and I worry about the potential resentment that could come down the line if I were to drop it due to my partner.
Even they seem reluctant for me to make such compromises. I fear they won’t be happy unless I drop this friend and I do it because I want to.
Okay, but can you see the true problem here? Your partner (let's call them A) and your mutual friend (lets call them B) are at odds. That should have nothing to do with you, and if A and B were balanced adults, they wouldn't be making demands of you (let's call you C).
Who's more important? A or B? That may feel impossible to answer because it's actually a trick question. The most important person to you should always be C, and both A and B SHOULD support you in that. Demanding for you to choose will ultimately make you lose both relationships in the long run if you don't put yourself first.
A is wrong. B is wrong. Neither A or B are being understanding of the position they're putting you in. In other words, they're both manipulating you to get what they want, and they're doing it in a selfish way. So no matter what, you lose unless you stand up for C.
You said B won't be happy unless you compromise. You said the same earlier of A. You have to push back on both those narratives.
I was in the same position almost a year ago. My BPD daughter was in a committed relationship with her female partner, but there was also a younger girl that she had a crush on that was close with their group. My kid began to idolize her and I warned her...you're playing with fire.
But at the same time, the younger girl would often ask me about God, so I'd answer her questions and share some of my testimony. Long story short, the younger girl and my daughter had a falling out, and it ruined my daughter's relationship in the process. Her girlfriend threw her out and my kid felt betrayed. She played with fire and got burned.
My kid demanded that I stopped talking to the younger girl immediately. And I was like, "I don't call her or reach out to her, but if she asks me about God, I'm not going to turn her away. My faith comes before your relationships."
It was ugly at first, but the young girl didn't reach out for several months so it was a non-issue. Then one night, she comes walking in my back door at like 2 AM....with my daughter. She gives me a hug and says they made up, they're friends again so she wanted to come see me.
Now, if I had an ugly conversation because my kid demanded it months earlier, things would have been so much different. I let her do her though and I did me.
In the same way, you're responsible for you only...not what A or B demand of you. Follow your gut and stand your ground (in the nicest possible way). If either of them are friends, then they'll understand and not be at your throat over it. And if they are, well, that tells you something too...pick better friends.
