Mutual Friend has been splitted— they want me to stop being their friend.

[NeedCoffee]

First time posting so I apologize if any of my terms are inaccurate.

When I started dating my partner with BPD, they were dating a mutual friend of ours as well. (We are both poly.) shortly after we got together, they realized that relationship was not working for them. I believe that mutual friend also has BPD and honestly I’m not surprised it didn’t work out.

But now they see that mutual friend as their abuser, and they don’t understand why I would want to remain friends with her after what she did. Now, it’s kind of impossible for me to say without sounding incredibly reductive of my partner’s feelings, that they have split and decided our mutual friend is Bad. Especially because I would argue that she was a bad partner and hurt my partner in the process.

But I simply don’t agree that she’s a bad person. I think their relationship was unfortunate, but I don’t feel like it’s fair for my partner to expect me to break off my friendship with someone.

But my partner says it makes them feel like I don’t value them because I would continue being friends with their abuser.

I just have no idea how to proceed with this.
I don’t think it’s healthy for me to drop a friend in this way, nor do I want to. This mutual friend has been there for me and I still have a positive relationship with them, but clearly that hurts my partner.

I love them and don’t want to be hurting them, but I also don’t want to break off a long term friendship due to this.

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.

BPDs have a tremendous fear of abandonment, to the point where they're prone to over-analyzing something to the point where they reach some pretty whacky conclusions.

With splitting, it's also a hallmark where everything is seen as all good or all bad...there's no middle ground.  So when your partner flipped on the mutual friend and you didn't cut that person off immediately as well, it made your partner wonder if you care for the mutual friend more than your partner. 

And if this was obsessed about in a disordered mindset, maybe you're fooling around with the mutual friend, maybe the two of you are talking poorly about your partner, maybe you're planning to run off together.  None of these things could seem logical to you...and that's the crux of mental illness.  It's disordered.

My advice would be to withdraw from the mutual friend in a polite, respectful way.  Don't burn bridges because BPDs have a way of cycling in and out of these types of relationships, and the last thing you want to do is be in the middle of anything (especially if the mutual friend is also BPD).  Let them fight their own "battle" while you lend emotional support to your partner.

Just be really careful not to defend the mutual friend or put them down too harshly either.  Just take a step back and don't broach the subject unless you're asked directly.  And even in that situation, the best answer would be a truthful, "I haven't talked to them so I have no idea what they're up to."

Obviously I don't have to say that poly relationships are volatile by definition, someone's feelings are always going to be hurt through jealousy or whatever.  You partner may say otherwise but these reactions are showing that it's a problem.

Good luck!

[NeedCoffee]

I appreciate the feedback, but unfortunately a lot of the problem is that this is an important friend of mine. I really don’t want to let go of that friendship, because it’s a positive thing in my life and I worry about the potential resentment that could come down the line if I were to drop it due to my partner.

Even they seem reluctant for me to make such compromises. I fear they won’t be happy unless I drop this friend and I do it because I want to.