He has threatened to move out

[once removed]

hi losthope,

the two of you sound locked in a power struggle.

i know that might sound, and feel, like an over-simplification. youre at your wits end, and you arent sure what to do, and nothing seems to help.

trying to put all of these possibilities, and all of these issues, in a note that he can either take or leave, is going to have the same result youve gotten. its an attempt to be heard, when communication has already broken down.

theres a lot to be resolved, if it is resolvable, when it comes to communication and conflict. but these things didnt start over night, and they wont end, or necessarily even make much progress, in one conversation, one note, one plea.

I feel he will reach out when he is back, on 26th May. Could you help me with the kind of response on my part? The last conversation totally ended in an impasse. To whatsoever I said, all he said was "everything is your fault". Even when i said, i am ready to change and accommodate even more, are you willing to do the same? He still said he has nothing to do, i am the only one at fault. To be honest, i am extremely tempted to mention separation and ultimate divorce. This might just feel like impulsively or an attempt to threaten. But to be honest, the things that have been happening for last 1.5yrs has now become too much for me to handle. Honestly, last year itself I repeatedly thought that if these goes on I will have to think of separation. Could you suggest me a non reactive way of stating this? like, it should not sound like threatening, but just that this is now too much for me to handle, so we should think of separation.

if youre expecting him to reach out when hes back from his trip, is there anything that urgently needs to be said here and now?

separation is an option, as is divorce. but what i would suggest is spending that time to help determine whether thats what you want to do, and, what you want to do in general. dont put it up for a vote; all anyone would hear is "i am so fed up with you, do you think we should separate?". if that is what you want to say, it would be far cleaner to say "i cant go back to the relationship as it is." to actually separate, and to mean it. otherwise, youd just be acting on an empty threat.

if what you ultimately want to do is to repair the relationship, then know that it will require a lot of work; a lot of learning, practice, and a lot of unlearning as well. he does sound like a particularly difficult person, but the relationship itself is in a difficult place, in terms of how the two of you are communicating with each other. in other words, there is room for improvement here, but it wont be fast, it wont be easy, and it also wont be a guarantee.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[losthope1234]

@pook and @once removed,

thanks so so much for your insights. i can't explain how useful these are to me.

@pook...your example responses and just amazing.. woww.. i really struggle with these kind of responses.. i have read the examples in the two books but i am still far from being able to frame these.. is there any way where i can learn these? any thread here, any article, any book? (i have read stop walking on eggshells and i hate you dont leave me)

Your suggestion about the separation line is just on spot. After carefully thinking this thru, i figured that this is what i should say at the moment - - ie, communicate that i am thinking of separating in case we are unable to solve certain issues. This is much better than simply say 'i want separation'

@once removed - you have very wisely put it. I really gave this deep thought. One part of me is desperately saying separation while other part still wants to work on things. Honestly, if the in-laws part of not there, i would confidently choose 'working on the relationship'.. but somehow, the complications due to the in-laws have totally thrown me off balance. But I still gave this very careful consideration and figured that the separation part is 40% while working on it is still 60%..in fact, two days back, i had drafted a goodbye message but after writing it, it totally broke me and filled me with emptiness. I think the line pook has suggested is the best for me now, to mention that separation is in my mind in case we don't figure out how to solve our issues (and this will be my honest truth too, I AM thinking of separation in case we can't solve, or at least agree to seek some solution)

A bigger enlightenment i had from both your replies is that, what i actually need to focus on and propose to him is to communicate.. for that i need to learn to communicate effectively..the examples pook has given are very helpful.. let me consider them a bit more and discuss possible responses from him and how to deal with those..

sorry I am late sometimes, and sorry my posts are kind of messy, i really struggle with organising my thoughts in my head.. thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading them and responding..

[losthope1234]

Or maybe there's a technique I can practise and use to frame these responses? I saw how @pook wrote the me versions 1st,which are exactly the version I m feeling and literally wanna shout them to his face. And then came the carefully framed ones which are assertive yet very kind to him.

[Pook075]

Or maybe there's a technique I can practise and use to frame these responses? I saw how @pook wrote the me versions 1st,which are exactly the version I m feeling and literally wanna shout them to his face. And then came the carefully framed ones which are assertive yet very kind to him.

So much of this is counter-intuitive because we're keeping in mind that the person we're talking to has self-esteem problems and takes EVERYTHING personally.  Once they're in that emotional mindset, even seemingly innocent comments can have the exact opposite effect of what we were hoping for.

With that said, there's no 'correct' way to say, "Come home and stop being a jerk."

That's why this has to be about you.  Remember, he relates to feelings since that's what drives him in life.  If we say, "Why won't you come home?"  That carries blame, and it causes guilt, shame, etc. that he has to process.  But if we say the exact same thing and make it only about us, then he can process it differently.

Instead of, "Why don't you come home?", we can say, "I feel alone and heartbroken without you here."  It's the same sentiment, but one puts all the drama to the side and says what we actually feel.  There's less chance of misinterpretation since it's so vulnerable.

As Once Removed said, this has a high chance of backfiring.  But so does saying nothing, or continuing the same arguments that you keep having. 

That's why this has to be about you and you alone.  What do you want?  How do you feel?  What's in the way of allowing you to heal?  What would give you more mental clarity?

These aren't trick questions.  They're so hard to answer though because you're in limbo right now, hoping for the best but expecting the worst.  So you're torn and everything is harder.

The way past that is focusing on what actually matters to you.  Finishing out school- we know that's a non-negotiable.  Solving the housing scenario- that's a big one too, and moving home could mean immediate support from family. 

What else outside the relationship actually matters?  Health, work, fitness, hobbies, friends, faith?  This is where your focus should be shifting towards.

The more you "work on yourself" and find your new normal, the easier those "me statements" will come to you.  And none of this means the relationship is over; it just means accepting that you're reaching the end of feeling stuck with no options forward.  There's always options when it comes to putting ourselves first.

[once removed]

the complications due to the in-laws have totally thrown me off balance.

it is definitely something to consider. there are a few big marriage killers. complications with the in-laws are one of them. fights over money is another.

working on it is still 60%..

then i would suggest putting all your eggs in that basket. dont expect it to be a guarantee. but to truly improve a marriage, you really have to be all in. you cant have one foot out the door, waiting on someone else to change. things will only deteriorate.

i need to learn to communicate effectively..

id recommend a few things, wholeheartedly.

stop walking on eggshells is a very validating book. it tells us we arent alone, that theres a name for this stuff, it sympathizes and reminds us this isnt easy. but there is little in the way of how to improve a marriage, skills, or coping tools.

grab yourself a copy of "stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist". stop caretaking gets into the things we do to contribute to the dysfunction. its about cleaning up our side of the street. you can find our review of it here: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist

also get yourself a copy of "loving someone with borderline personality disorder". this book is more about building an overall validating environment for your relationship, the kind that it needs to thrive. its "take your skills to the next level" kind of stuff. our review is here: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

but if you want to dive in right now? everything you need is in a few different places:

1. the tools section at the top of the page. these are coping tools. they are more about managing yourself, your reactions. it begins with Wisemind.

2. the lessons at the top of board; theyre a sticky. its a crash course on everything. all of the resources geared toward improving a relationship are there. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347836.0

3. included within the lessons are some of our workshops, specific to those still in their relationships. the complete list of workshops is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

the communication tools take practice. they take practice because, simply put, changing your approach to communication is awkward at first, and you, like most when we first try it, are likely to sound transparent; like youre talking down to him, or talking to him in a rehearsed sort of way. if that happens, dont mistake it for "not working"; keep practicing. but also, know that the communication techniques arent about speaking a magic language only people with bpd can hear; they are just plain ol communication skills, that you can start using with anyone in your life, immediately. you can work through them here, and get feedback, too. the key to them "working" is sincerity, learning to use them in a genuine, and natural way that sounds like you, the way you talk, in the context of your relationship.

[losthope1234]

Thank you Pook and Once Removed,

Your responses helps a lot. Thank you for you book suggestions, i grabbed a copy of stop caretaking and have started reading it. Next will go for loving someone with BPD. I am also looking into the resources you linked.

I see both of yours emphasis on myself, my wellbeing, rather than directing it towards him. It's rational and the books also suggest it.

That's why this has to be about you and you alone.  What do you want?  How do you feel?  What's in the way of allowing you to heal?  What would give you more mental clarity?

These aren't trick questions.  They're so hard to answer though because you're in limbo right now, hoping for the best but expecting the worst.  So you're torn and everything is harder.

This really made me wonder. After a lot of cross thoughts in the last 2-3days, i figured that simply pushing him to move back in will only address a surface level issue. Also, I am so hurt at this point, that I am no more feeling the urge to 'force' him to move in. I am at my parents now, and honestly it's the best place for me now, regarding my mental and physical health.

Even though I drafted two msgs asking him  move in (based on the examples pook gave), and thought of sharing those here and but now i don't at all feel like sending them. Rather I am now feeling like sending him something like this:

I am hurt and broken with everything that has happened. We are at an impasse. I don't know where we go from here.

Or

I am hurt and broken with everything that has happened between us. We are at an impasse. I don't know where we go from here.

Does this sound okay? which one?

The expected response to this will be:

We can never break out of the impasse unless you change your behaviour and accept the damages you have done, otherwise nothing will change. (I based this on his last response where he repeatedly said these :"unless you change ur behavior, nothing will change, you have done all the damage to the relationship, i am a sufferer" )

What can be a possible reply to this?

He will be back on 26th and I am expecting some text from him. If he doesn't reach out, I won't too at the moment, it's too much for me to handle currently.

Parallely, I am searching for therapists who treats BPD via DBT and can also support family members. When i manage to find one that is good enough and affordable, I will first start with myself(DBT can possibly be helpful for me too) and then try to see if I can suggest him couple's therapy like pook had mentioned before. In this way he doesn't need to feel like 'therapy for his illness' but rather for both of us as couple.

What are your experiences regarding therapy? How did you find a suitable therapist for your near one? If its not suitable, the BPD might totally flip out and also refuse therapy in future, right?

Thanks so much for your continued support.

[losthope1234]

clarification : he has gone on a trip now so we didn't talk or text for last 12 days. he'll be back on 26th. i am expecting that he will reach out when he's back.

[once removed]

I am hurt and broken with everything that has happened. We are at an impasse. I don't know where we go from here.

Or

I am hurt and broken with everything that has happened between us. We are at an impasse. I don't know where we go from here.

think it through.

what is the purpose of what youre communicating?

what are you hoping to achieve?

the two messages are not materially different. they are both saying, essentially: "i dont know what to do. do you?" or "things are bad; change them".

you are right to expect that he will counter with "no, you change them". that is the sort of exchange thats characterized the conflict style between the two of you in the past. why do more of that?

[losthope1234]

umm it feels like he doesn't even know or understand that I am so broken. In one of the msgs in the last conversation, he wrote "if I have done something you can tell me, i dont know".. obviously when i told them, he flipped out..

by this msg, i want to let him know that i am very broken mentally..i what him to ask something like "ok then what do you want?" To this i want to suggest that our conversation has broken down and we need to have proper conversation (and later on couples therapy) .. via this proper conversation, i want to use the statements pook mentioned.. assertive sentences about my most basic nd immediate needs..

what do you think??

[losthope1234]

Also, for the 1st time in ever, i am able to detach from him.. i don't feel strong urge to "make everything ok" by sending cute emojis...i feel safe here at my parents..obviously still my mind in working 24x7 to "figure it all out", but still i am quite happy and surprised that i am able to  do this kind of detachment.. it never happened before.. for initial two weeks i was still feeling "he should move back in or the world will end".. from last 1 week, i have kind of accepted it.. trying to see this break as an opportunity to make things different, if possible..

[once removed]

but what is he supposed to do with the statement "i am broken"?

fix you?

dont expect him to read your mind or intuit your needs. speak them clearly.

assertive sentences about my most basic and immediate needs..

then why not just do that?

having said that, it may not be the best launching point, or the best opportunity for it. sometimes its better to listen first, and when we do, and the other person feels "heard", its often easier for the other person to "hear" us.

hes coming back tomorrow, right? and youre expecting that he will communicate with you, correct?

why preempt that? why not just wait and see what he says, and go from there?

[losthope1234]

i wasn't going to text this first.. he is coming back tomorrow and i am expecting that he will reach back..and he will be most certainly very neutral, like nothing's happened.. when he moved out, he reached back via text as if nothing happened.. when i tried to bring that conversation to something serious, he got angry and raged.. then again next day he reached back as if nothing has happened.. like i am supposed to be absolutely fine with everything and we will continue talking over msgs and phone in cuddly voice and sweet talk like nothing's happened..so i was thinking, if he texts or calls, he will almost certainly say something like "hey howz u,what's up" in casual tone,then will reply back with that msg..

but ya maybe just be more direct.. i don't know what or how.. any need i say now will only be a temporary step.. the core issue, that we have become disfunctional, will still remain unless both of us agree to work on it..and he is not even ready to talk about anything.. i don't know really what to do.. maybe ask him to work on our communication.. but he still just feels everything is my fault and he has done nothing and he owes no responsibility and that i need to change..sorry i am thinking out loud..

maybe i don't reply at all since i myself am too broken to handle everything at this moment.. but that might just make him angry..

[once removed]

if im reading you correctly, then what youre essentially saying is you want to stage a confrontation. to let him know that youre unhappy, and something needs to change, and that something includes him.

do i have that right?

if so, that is one option. there are more diplomatic ways of going about it (where youre more likely to be heard), and less diplomatic ways of going about it.

SET works best for that kind of circumstance. SET takes a lot of practice. it is one of the most effective tools, but also one of the easiest to get wrong. you can get lots of practice and feedback here.

another option though, is to take a longer term, big picture approach.

the problems didnt start over night. they wont be solved over night. they wont be solved in one conversation.

confronting him with "i am unhappy and something needs to change" is a valid option, if you are at your wits end, and you are ready to walk away from the relationship. it is not an approach that, at this point, is likely to have a high success rate.

he will be most certainly very neutral, like nothing's happened

youre hurt over what happened. you want things to change.

you dont have to stifle that hurt, but you can hit pause on it. you dont have to act on it now, or confront him about it.

you could, instead, take the bigger picture approach. break the relationship issues down into bite size chunks. keep learning, and practicing, your skills and tools. see where you can realistically find improvement and head way on particular issues, without staging an argument about them. because if you can do that, tension will drop, things will get better, and youll have created an environment where you have momentum that you can then build on. if you cant get any improvement anywhere, on anything? then that tells you that realistically, there isnt hope for change, and youll know in your heart what to do, and youll be ready.

[losthope1234]

yes yes absolutely, you got this right..

Thank you so so much for the suggestions.. i have read about SET in Kreisman's book, but i find it so hard to apply in real life context.. could you help me apply this in this context??..

Also could you help me with example about the big picture method? i don't know this very well.. how do i apply this?? i would like to learn and practice..

[once removed]

i have read about SET in Kreisman's book, but i find it so hard to apply in real life context..

it can be practically difficult to apply in real life, because it is a structure/format that tends to lend itself to, and be best for lots of words. in a real life situation, it isnt always the time or place for lots of words. you would need to narrow it down. you also tend to need a captive audience (someone who is listening), and you dont necessarily have that.

in other words, i think it would do you well to learn it and practice it, to the point where it becomes natural. trying it for your first time in a high-stakes situation is likely to go badly.

this, i think, is a better place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

but our SET workshop is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

the big picture

the big picture is all of the things about both of you that contribute to the dysfunction in the relationship, and your style of conflict. it is, at this point, likely somewhat ingrained; not that it cant change, but that it will take work, trial and error, etc. it will take patience. its what i was talking about when i said if youre leaning toward staying, then put all of your eggs in that basket, be committed to it, but dont expect it to change over night. another way of saying it is "play the long game".

list (either in your head, or here, or both) all of the problems in the relationship as you see them.

pick one (we can help). pick a low hanging fruit, something that you think would be the easiest to resolve, or at least get to a more tolerable point, with or without his help.

in other words, rather than confronting him with "somethings gotta give", instead, take an incremental approach to reducing conflict, rather than trying to solve it all at once, or putting it all on the table. its too much to get a handle on and you dont have cooperation. little improvements reduce tension, increase harmony, and they give you momentum, trust, cooperation, to push for bigger improvements.

[losthope1234]

the big picture is all of the things about both of you that contribute to the dysfunction in the relationship, and your style of conflict. it is, at this point, likely somewhat ingrained; not that it cant change, but that it will take work, trial and error, etc. it will take patience. its what i was talking about when i said if youre leaning toward staying, then put all of your eggs in that basket, be committed to it, but dont expect it to change over night. another way of saying it is "play the long game".

list (either in your head, or here, or both) all of the problems in the relationship as you see them.

pick one (we can help). pick a low hanging fruit, something that you think would be the easiest to resolve, or at least get to a more tolerable point, with or without his help.

in other words, rather than confronting him with "somethings gotta give", instead, take an incremental approach to reducing conflict, rather than trying to solve it all at once, or putting it all on the table. its too much to get a handle on and you dont have cooperation. little improvements reduce tension, increase harmony, and they give you momentum, trust, cooperation, to push for bigger improvements.

okayy sounds interesting.. would be difficult but let me try my best.. the first step is to list the issues we face??like for example, he always insults my family which is very difficult for me, he refuses to communicate at all regarding any issue, i have difficulty maintaining time and this enrages him..is it something like this?? if so, i will think more clearly and come up with such a list..

[once removed]

he always insults my family which is very difficult for me

thats a good one. i know the family issues run pretty deep.

its a problem that there might be immediate solutions for, that wont necessarily require a great deal of "work" to change.

can you give an example, or examples, of him insulting your family? what is his issue with them? how do the conversations go? what are the sorts of things he typically says about them? what do you say in response?

i have difficulty maintaining time and this enrages him

everyone has things about them, big or small, that may irritate a partner, more or less. it never hurts to work on them, and it leads by example.

but dont "maintain time" simply to appease his rage. the point isnt to contort to please him. if its something you want to improve, tie it to your values, and the ways it might improve your life.

what does difficulty maintaining time look like for you?

[losthope1234]

okayy i see, i understand what you are suggesting.. this maybe very helpful for me too, to quantitatively see the particular issues that we are facing... i will take some time and think carefully and make a whole list.. then we can prioritise them.. just give me a little time..

in the meantime, if he texts me something casual, like "how are you doing?" what should be my answer? .. honest answer is "i am not doing well".. but what should i reply? i really don't feel like doing small talks with him or the "sweet talk" for that matter...

[once removed]

i will take some time and think carefully and make a whole list.. then we can prioritise them.. just give me a little time..

sure, take your time. youve got the right idea.

it doesnt necessarily have to be the issues as he sees them, or even issues that both of you are contributing to (though both are a helpful perspective to have). just the major and minor complaints you have with the relationship is a great start, for us, and for you, to break down in bite size pieces.

in the meantime, if he texts me something casual, like "how are you doing?" what should be my answer? .. honest answer is "i am not doing well".. but what should i reply? i really don't feel like doing small talks with him or the "sweet talk" for that matter...

honesty is important. you want to be true to yourself.

you could say "how am i doing? im miserable because of the way you treated me, you jerk."

that would be honest at some level, too, right? but you know instinctively that it wouldnt be constructive.

some excerpts from the lesson on ending conflict to consider:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

Make a Commitment to Stop Making it Worse

The first step is commitment. By definition, when you are out of control (throwing the proverbial fuel on the fire), you are not using logic (or any other helpful process) enough.

Commitment means practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic. Then, as you start to become out of control, this new automatic behavior appears. In a way, commitment gives you self-control.

In situations of high negative emotion, when it is harder to do the new behavior, you are likely to think, "I don't really care about that now". In this emotional state, you fail to see the consequences of your actions.

So, you need to get to a balanced place in your mind in which you are broadly aware of your real relationship goals and not just your painful emotion of the moment. It is important to practice now, so you can get there in situations of duress.

Stepping Out Is Not Surrender

Maybe you now are thinking, "It's surrender to be attacked, and not to attack back!"

Well, refusing to continue to fight to the death (of your relationship) is hardly surrendering. Rather; if defeating your partner is also self-defeating; then stopping the fight is both showing the courage to do what is needed to survive and the courage to engage in self- preservation.

You can get yourself out of "win- lose" thinking (which really means "lose-lose") and into recognizing that not attacking is a win-win-win situation: you preserve your self- respect and your relationship and your partner emerges less trampled. Nobody loses.

If you think that stopping is surrender; you will likely feel ashamed; for we are typically taught to "stand up for what is right;" But; when you realize that stopping requires courage; conviction; and skills; and will lead to a better life for everyone involved; you will see that shame is not justified.

Anticipate Your Impulsiveness

Even if you are highly committed to stop making things worse in conflict situations; you still need to practice a host of skills needed to stop.

When we are in the middle of enduring a verbal attack from someone else; our own reaction feels impulsive; like an unpredictable and overbearing urge. However; realistically; a lot of these situations are quite predictable. How many times have you had that fight? How many times has your partner said that particular hurtful and provocative thing? Look descriptively at previous problems: what did your partner do that resulted in your emotions going through the roof to the point where you had urges to retaliate? We will call those things triggers because they trigger your response.

Rehearse a New emotional response

Once you have identified typical triggers; you can anticipate that your partner will do them again. The more aware you are of the triggers; the less potent they will be. In a way; every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way (or; at least; not in kind); you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle.

The effective thing to do is anything that brings your arousal down and helps you respond differently.

There are many strategies for tolerating distress in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that might be helpful in these situations. For example; you can distract yourself away from the argument by doing something else (take a walk; read; engage in other activities that are physically active ones or relaxing ones); look for spiritual soothing (say a little prayer; remember your values); do something soothing to your senses (listen to quiet music; eat comfort food; read a pleasant story or poem); or do something social (call a friend; send an e-mail). Some of these things you can do quickly. Others you will simply have to plan to do after successfully ending the interaction without responding negatively.

Once you have identified the typical triggers and also identified more helpful alternatives; you can put them together.

    Imagine a trigger;
    Imagine remembering your goal (not to make things worse; that you love this person; that responding in a negative way just keeps the negative cycle going); and
    imagine responding in a self- respecting and respectful way.

Of course, whatever you say needs to be in your own words, but the essence of an effective response is staying reasonably calm and describing something about your genuine goals and feelings rather than telling the other person what she or he is doing wrong.

...

The difference between this example and visualizing the negative consequences of giving in is that the former uses your motivation to avoid negative consequences, whereas this one uses your motivation to achieve positive ones. Both can work rather well in the moment.

This is not surrender

Rather, this is an example of a couple working together - they both agree to work on these issues independently and together - there is no intimidating mention of BPD vs Non-BPD – it’s just two people building a bridge and ending the unhealthy cycle as a first step. From there they can look to more substantive work.

You can do this and still analyze if you want to stay or leave the relationship.

These are basic tools to stop the bleeding in your household.

with that in mind, visualize using whatever he says as an opportunity, not to fight, but to repair.

"how are you doing" is a commonplace question that people rarely if ever answer directly or with full, lay it out in the open honesty. it is an ice breaker. you can honestly, in a true to yourself way, choose to let it break the ice, or you can respond to it with ice. you neither have to let him have it (start, or escalate conflict) nor tell him what an angel he is (roll over).

[Pook075]

This really made me wonder. After a lot of cross thoughts in the last 2-3days, i figured that simply pushing him to move back in will only address a surface level issue. Also, I am so hurt at this point, that I am no more feeling the urge to 'force' him to move in. I am at my parents now, and honestly it's the best place for me now, regarding my mental and physical health.

Writing a letter isn't always about sending a letter.  In this case, you arrived to a healthy conclusion without his interaction at all- you feel safer and better supported with mom and dad.

So we've cleared one hurdle and there's no reason to second-guess that anymore.  Unless something abruptly changes, you're better off at home.

Even though I drafted two msgs asking him  move in (based on the examples pook gave), and thought of sharing those here and but now i don't at all feel like sending them. Rather I am now feeling like sending him something like this:

I am hurt and broken with everything that has happened. We are at an impasse. I don't know where we go from here.

Or

I am hurt and broken with everything that has happened between us. We are at an impasse. I don't know where we go from here.

Does this sound okay? which one?

The expected response to this will be:

I agree that both statements are the same, and there's not an advantage one way or the other.  I also agree that you need to be more direct in terms of what you're feeling for specific challenges.

However, when you got to his expected response, you sort of lost me there.  If you know what he's going to say and it's not going to be productive, then why say it at all?  The goal here is not to argue and it's not to win points- it's to decide whether or not the relationship can be turned into something positive. 

For that reason alone, every question needs to be about what you're specifically struggling with.

1)  He won't come home
2)  He doesn't respect your parents or your traditions
3)  He won't take responsibility
4)  He's quick to blame you for everything

For #1, he won't come home and you've decided that you won't either...so problem solved.  Living together is off the table for now because that's not what's best for you.

For #2, you've tried having that conversation several times and he dismissed it.  Is that acceptable to you or not?  Again, this is about you and you alone.  If this isn't okay (and I know it's not), then what can you do differently that you haven't already tried?

For #'s 3 and 4, they sort of go together since he believes that everything is your fault, not his.  This is a classic BPD struggle at the heart of all the other issues.  Can you accept returning to the relationship on these terms?  Or is it something that needs to be worked through beforehand?

Again, I'm challenging you to do some soul-searching just like you did with the housing arrangements.  For #1, you chose you...and that's fantastic progress.  Why?  Because it's no longer something you have to argue about, or even think about.  You fixed it all by yourself and took that option off the table.  Living together is going to require different arrangements, and you're not sitting back waiting on that anymore.  Bravo!