I feel so alone & like I'm going crazy

[Ballyhoo]

My mom lived with me & my son for 4 years. Then we had to move in with her. (It's all a long story as to why.) That's been 10 1/2 years...14 1/2 years total. (We've had to live with her b/c my son's special needs + he's been very ill for the past 13 1/2 years. I'm a single mom.)

She's always changing the "rules." We can do something the same way 100 times, then all of a sudden, that's not allowed. We never know, from one minute to the next...or one day to the next, which Mom/Nana we're going to encounter.

I can't wait to get my own online biz going so we can get out of here. But she's always wanting my help with something, several times a day. Plus, she's always sabotaging my self-esteem. She can take any minute detail I've shared with her, thinking nothing of it at the time, and turn it into a weapon against me during one of her bad moods. One day she's saying, "You can do it! You're my super-smart daughter." The next it's, "How many times have I heard THAT before!" (Talking about when I'm going to get my biz going.)

My son's lost just about all hope. His sickness actually started after my mom started being around us all the time. He has 3 different health conditions, plus anxiety b/c he has Asperger's Syndrome, which are all exacerbated by stress. He can't stand to be in the same room as her or even hear her voice most of the time.

Just wondering if anyone can relate.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  Unfortunately, I can relate with my mother.  Incredible woman, so loving and caring, but also the angriest person I ever met.  It doesn't seem like those things fit together, and I have no idea about mental illness since it wasn't diagnosed as much during my mom's life.  But we never knew what we were going to get or when her temper would turn on a dime.

It sounds like you need to put some distance between your mom and your child, and for that you'll need income.  The online business could be that path.  Just keep in mind that there might be other options in your community for single moms in your position.  I'm no expert there so I'll let others chime in later.

The only practical advice I can provide is to focus on your own mental health above everything else, whether that's going for a walk each morning for some quiet time or finding somewhere for you and your son to escape to- a local park, a library, etc.  Not everything in life requires money, and I've personally wandered through the mall and window shopped many times just to clear my head.

Also, realize that your mother is sick, and much of her mood changes are due to being mentally unstable in those moments.  That deserves compassion, and the more she realizes that you're on her side without judgement, the better your relationship will become.  I know that sounds impossible at the moment, but that's why you need to step back a little bit more to find your mental clarity.

I loved my mom with all my heart, even though at times she seemed like she was my worst enemy.  At one point, I had to cut her out of my life and explained that I couldn't take the constant negativity and complaining...there was always something to make her mad.  And without me realizing it, her anger was sinking into me, I was becoming angry as well with my wife and kids. 

That wasn't me though and I had to change for me.  I had to decide that I wasn't going to live that way any longer.  And again, I loved my mom so much....but I had to come first.

[Notwendy]

This is a difficult situation. On one hand, you need your mother for assistance and on the other- it's hard to live together. Also, I think in ways she also needs you. If you were to be independent and move out, she'd be alone. So on one hand she'd like to see you start your business and on the other hand, she may fear your doing so.

What country are you in? This matters because different countries have different resources for children with special needs, and also work/housing opportunities, and mental health resources.

Is your son able to attend school? Are you employed in any form? These are two considerations because- they have many benefits (beyond the economic). It gets him out of the house with peers. It gets you out of the house and can be a source of socializing and self esteem.

Do you have access to counseling? Even if it is your mother with the BPD, you have a lot on your plate that is stressful. It would be a support for you.

What about community? It's understandable that you feel alone if you are home all day with your mother. If your son is schooled at home due to health conditions, what other resources are there? Parent groups for kids on the spectrum? Teen groups for him?

I think it would be unrealistic to make a drastic move but I think there needs to be a plan for what you want to accomplish in place- even if it's small steps. IMHO, I would not speak to your mother about your plans for employment. On one hand your mother may want you to succeed and also may fear being alone if you do- and that is where the sabotage comes from. If you can keep in mind this is about her own fears and low self esteem that can help.