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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Told Kids About New SO, Waiting for Blowback  (Read 406 times)
Torched
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« on: February 10, 2017, 01:54:12 PM »

I talked to my d10's counselor about telling my kids about the woman who I left my exBPDw for, and she thought that it was a good time due to the fact that my ex had told the kids about her boyfriend she had been dating (one of my ex friends) for some time since the divorce started.  The kids were upset about mom's relationship so she really had started in hinting to them that I had a bigger secret.  I had planned on telling them when things had settled down but I have realized that things likely won't "settle down" in time to avoid my exBPDw telling the kids and I only wanted them to hear it from me.

I got a second opinion from another professional and he agreed that based on my situation, it was for the best as long as I was caring, non-judgemental toward my ex, and supportive of my children's emotions and vigilant concerning how they were processing it.

I told the kids at the beginning of my last three day stretch of custody.  My son was absolutely relieved and after talking to him I got the idea that his mother had him convinced there were much worse things afoot.  He feels o.k with it, albeit the obvious awkwardness of it for a 13 year old was present.  My daughter was hurt more by it.  She was bothered by the fact that I had to tell her as part of this that I had filed for divorce four years earlier and given her mother a second chance to make some changes and work with dad to resolve some problems we had.  I found out an hour later that she believed I had been seeing my new SO since the first divorce filing.  With that resolved, it went so much better for her.  She did say that she was sad because now she knew for sure mom and dad would not get back together, ever.  I told her that she and her brother were the most important thing to dad and no one would get in between that relationship, no matter who.  I also told them over and over that the divorce had nothing to do with them and was not because of my SO.  They are doing very well the last three days and seem happy.  I told them that unlike mom's BF, they can expect to meet my GF at a much later date, months from now as I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or have to deal with that extra stress right now. 

Now, I'm waiting for exBPDw's blowback.  Yes, she is in love and currently in deep with her new BF so I'm hoping that poor guy somehow takes all of her attention up as my d10's therapist suggests is happening.  I'm worried that now that she is free to talk precisely about this issue instead of simply hinting at it, she will start painting me blacker than ever befopre with the kids and trying to suggest to them that they should 1) not trust their relationship with me and 2) hate me for the relationship that is continuing in my current relationship with an emotionally healthy and wonderful woman.

I made quite a bed.  The only thing I worry about while I try to straighten things out is these kids and their emotional well being.
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Torched
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2017, 01:58:03 PM »

Brief history:  :)uring our marriage, the kids didn't seem to be bothered by dad getting treated badly during rages or cold shouldering; they certainly never noticed her inability to care for my needs or emotions while I constantly attended to hers and theirs... .I wouldn't expect a child who grew up in a marriage from birth to know anything different.  At the beginning of the divorce, I was of course 100% bad and it stayed that way.  She treated me that way in front of my kids for the five months it took for the courts to allow us to physically separate (due to custody battle, I couldn't move out).  The kids kept the close emotional relationship that I have with them intact, but they did suffer for it on a daily basis due to mom's behaviors.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2017, 09:51:07 AM »

When my son learned I was dating, he responded in a typical way, and we worked through it. Like you, I told him I was dating, and wanted him to know, and that I didn't plan to introduce them until I felt it was time.

When his dad found out, though, it definitely escalated the drama and parental alienation, and my son suffered as a result.

You may want to read Divorce Poison for a playbook about what kinds of strategies your ex may engage, and have a mindset and skills to counteract some of those strategies.

Don't Alienate the Kids by Bill Eddy is also excellent.

Being in the windstorm of a BPD coparenting situation is tough. The secret for me was learning to set aside my own agenda and listen -- really, really listen -- to what S15 was feeling at the time. When the comments and feelings are about you, there will be a tendency to want to rush in and set the record straight. I had to learn (trial and error) to put some space between how S15 was feeling, and wait until it was the right time to set the record straight.

The poison in these coparenting relationships is that our exes drag us into a defensive mode where we are constantly playing whack-a-mole about what is true and not true. When really, what is true is how our kids feel. The parent who can lean in and bear witness to their pain is the one who will feel like a parent to them -- that will feel true. And that's the truth that matters.

Not to mention, as my dad used to say, you can't win a pissing match with a skunk  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Applied to our situations, I interpret that to mean that when my kid comes to me saying, ":)ad says you are this" or ":)ad says you did this because all you care about is money and not us" I would say, "That must be hard to hear your dad say that. I'm trying to think how I would feel if someone said that to me. How does it make you feel?"

After a few years of doing this (sometimes better than others) my son started to internalize the question. He would say things like, ":)ad said you only wanted a kid so you could get money from him. I feel like he never thinks how I feel when he says that stuff. I think he says those things to make me hate you."

I don't even need to ask him how he feels anymore. He already knows  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Torched
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 06:20:35 PM »

Interesting.  So far this week nothing from the BPD camp, and my kids have only reported that mom is tied up with new BF.  My daughter's therapist suggested that mom might not give a flying $$$$ now that she has an emotional target and that might be the case.  I'm going to use the lull to really make sure the kids are doing great.  I've continued to talk and try to really hear their hearts as you suggest above.  I'll continue doing so for the long haul and put them first in everything.  I guess that's all you can do.  It seems most people here have good experiences with the kids if they can truly do that.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2017, 11:29:57 AM »

That's great that there is a T involved.

We can only do so much -- they really need a neutral third-party who is skilled in helping them become emotionally resilient.

And yes, putting them first can make a big difference, altho I did discover a caveat.

S15 and I ended up moving into a new home with my BF after dating for 4 years, and even tho S15 expressed his displeasure about living together, he also seemed ... .relieved, I guess is the best word.

His T communicated that to me, and my T confirmed that sometimes parents like us overcompensate and indulge our kids because the other parent is in some way invalidating and neglectful. The reasoning seems to be that kids need us to be the parent, and if we give them an overly important role in the relationship dynamic, they start to lose respect because they know on many levels they are in no position to be calling the shots.

My T has pointed out many instances where S15 relaxed when I stood firm on my boundaries. He may not like the boundaries, and he is also reassured.

Parenting is hard! Sometimes I feel like I'm founder, president, and CEO of Mistake Headquarters 

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Torched
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« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2017, 06:06:43 PM »

That's great that there is a T involved.

We can only do so much -- they really need a neutral third-party who is skilled in helping them become emotionally resilient.

And yes, putting them first can make a big difference, altho I did discover a caveat.

S15 and I ended up moving into a new home with my BF after dating for 4 years, and even tho S15 expressed his displeasure about living together, he also seemed ... .relieved, I guess is the best word.

His T communicated that to me, and my T confirmed that sometimes parents like us overcompensate and indulge our kids because the other parent is in some way invalidating and neglectful. The reasoning seems to be that kids need us to be the parent, and if we give them an overly important role in the relationship dynamic, they start to lose respect because they know on many levels they are in no position to be calling the shots.

My T has pointed out many instances where S15 relaxed when I stood firm on my boundaries. He may not like the boundaries, and he is also reassured.

Parenting is hard! Sometimes I feel like I'm founder, president, and CEO of Mistake Headquarters 


Funny you mention this.  This week, my D10 is upset because her birthday falls on my weekend in two weeks.  She wants a sleepover party and I told her she could have it at my place and we could send out invites etc.  She is overly concerned that exBPDmom will be upset and so she cried after getting stressed about it during dinner tonight.  I hinted to her that she needed to feel o.k. Making her own decision based on what she wanted but she wasn't able to overcome her feelings of guilt for what exBPDmom would "feel."  After reading your statement above, I'm thinking I need to just tell her that the party will be at my house because it is my weekend.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2017, 01:36:56 PM »

I would probably do the same, Torched. And then validate the heck out of how she feels -- it's hard to be assertive with mom! You would feel the same way, and probably did feel the same way.

When my son didn't defend me to his dad, he felt awful and guilty. After a really bad night (ex texting me all night long while my son was there), my son came home with the droopiest saddest little shoulders -- he heard some of the abusive voice mails his dad shouted into the phone. At one point, I said, "You know, if you feel bad when daddy says things that are mean about me, and you don't know what to do or say, I understand. Sometimes, when you're a kid, it's smart to lay low and wait until you can talk to someone you trust about how you feel, and figure out the best way to handle the situation. That's what I did, and over time I learned some skills that helped me cope."

you could also walk through some questions with her, like "If you don't have your party here, mom might like that, but then you don't get to do what you like. Do you think doing what mom likes will stop her from getting mad? Does that work out? Maybe we can work on this together and think of a solution. I'm the grown up, so how about I tell mom that this is how it's going to be. If she gets mad, she can get mad at me. And you get to have a fun birthday with your friends. Maybe mom will decide to have a birthday for you at her house and you get to have two!"

And then, to yourself, validate how upside-down it is that your D is worried that her birthday party will make her mom mad 

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Torched
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« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2017, 07:36:03 AM »

When my son didn't defend me to his dad, he felt awful and guilty. After a really bad night (ex texting me all night long while my son was there), my son came home with the droopiest saddest little shoulders -- he heard some of the abusive voice mails his dad shouted into the phone. At one point, I said, "You know, if you feel bad when daddy says things that are mean about me, and you don't know what to do or say, I understand. Sometimes, when you're a kid, it's smart to lay low and wait until you can talk to someone you trust about how you feel, and figure out the best way to handle the situation. That's what I did, and over time I learned some skills that helped me cope."

you could also walk through some questions with her, like "If you don't have your party here, mom might like that, but then you don't get to do what you like. Do you think doing what mom likes will stop her from getting mad? Does that work out? Maybe we can work on this together and think of a solution. I'm the grown up, so how about I tell mom that this is how it's going to be. If she gets mad, she can get mad at me. And you get to have a fun birthday with your friends. Maybe mom will decide to have a birthday for you at her house and you get to have two!"

And then, to yourself, validate how upside-down it is that your D is worried that her birthday party will make her mom mad 



Interesting that my daughter seems to feel guilt like your son.  But then again, I am all too familiar with that as you suggest.  Funny thing is that my son is not an emotional victim of my exBPDw... .I think he doesn't tolerate it and he therefore sets really solid boundaries.  That makes me happy but in a perfect world, I would love to see my D10 do it too.  Her therapist and I started working on that last week and will continue.

I noticed this weekend that with my daughter wanting so badly to figure out her birthday with mom, it really went strangely.  Mom has decided to go NC with me entirely and put her relationship with her new love on 100% overdrive according to my kids.  She is putting the kids in a bind because they have to guess how mom is doing and/or guess what mom might "want" them to do.  I'm going to need to just make decisions for my daughter especially and tell her that if mom wants otherwise, she will let me know... .and it is not my daughter's job to constantly pick at mom's brain to see if mom "feels" ok with every single decision.  Ugh.  Feel bad for my daughter.  She didn't want to leave after the five day weekend and she is upset about mom's boyfriend.  She made it as clear as a ten year old could that she feels like mom used her emotionally for the last seven months (mom had her emotionally tending to her during the divorce process, to my objection) and then completely ditched her for the boyfriend's love. 
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livednlearned
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« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2017, 08:32:04 AM »

Poor D10, that's a lot for her to carry on her shoulders at that age

A few weeks ago, S15 asked me if I had ever heard the quote, "You may not remember what they said, but you remember how you felt." He said that quote describes his relationship with his dad.

To me, that is the biggest endorsement for using validation as an antidote to BPD parenting and enmeshment strategies.

I paid more attention to what he might be feeling, and less attention to the details of what he was saying, and tried to lighten that burden whenever I could.

My son is not out of the woods, and he may always struggle to assert himself more than someone who is emotionally resilient. Still, given what we went through, he has made remarkable progress and I think it's in part due to the gift of validation.

I see it as N/BPDx desperately needing emotional closeness with no clue how to get it in a healthy way. My job as the healthy parent is to figure out how to build and model emotional closeness so S15 knows what it is, and can spot the fake version a mile away.
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Torched
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« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2017, 03:58:42 PM »

Poor D10, that's a lot for her to carry on her shoulders at that age

A few weeks ago, S15 asked me if I had ever heard the quote, "You may not remember what they said, but you remember how you felt." He said that quote describes his relationship with his dad.

To me, that is the biggest endorsement for using validation as an antidote to BPD parenting and enmeshment strategies.

I paid more attention to what he might be feeling, and less attention to the details of what he was saying, and tried to lighten that burden whenever I could.

My son is not out of the woods, and he may always struggle to assert himself more than someone who is emotionally resilient. Still, given what we went through, he has made remarkable progress and I think it's in part due to the gift of validation.

I see it as N/BPDx desperately needing emotional closeness with no clue how to get it in a healthy way. My job as the healthy parent is to figure out how to build and model emotional closeness so S15 knows what it is, and can spot the fake version a mile away.


My daughter's last minute "Party" went off nicely and family came, along with one of her best friends.  I made it really nice for her and pulled off a great homemade dinner with her favorites.  She was very happy and it was good to see.

She did mention this weekend that she was upset with her mother because mom was still trash-talking me constantly and yet had been pushing her new boyfriend on the kids.  My daughter basically said she respected the fact that I was not pushing my GF on her and her brother and that I didn't talk bad about their mother, ever.  You're right, kids know.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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livednlearned
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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2017, 07:49:04 AM »

What a nice win  Smiling (click to insert in post)

For D10 and for you.

One day at a time.

One BPD flash point at a time. 

Your D10 sounds like she is building some emotional resilience. She may not like how some of her adults are behaving, but she is learning to tell the difference between what is real and true and what is not.

That's the foundation for emotional resilience  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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