>My BPD & NPD wife

[WXMC]

First, I'm glad I'm not alone.  The isolation I feel on a daily basis has is destructive. I will not live like this anymore.
My wife is undiagnosed and, sadly, I don't think that will change. She is in therapy, but her pattern with changing therapists goes like this: Finds new therapist, like therapist for 2-4 sessions, Find New therapist because that one doesn't understand her. We have seen 5 marriage counselors, we have our 5th session scheduled with our current one, but I'm thinking I need to go by myself to start making a exit plan. The facts are simple: she is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. No remorse. No empathy. No apologies. But it is my fault after all, right? This is her world and I'm a literal tool bag.
My wife is the spawn of Regina George and Harley Quinn. So beautiful, smart, and sexy.....and the meanest person I've ever met. She uses absolutely any and everything she can against me, turns everything around on me, berates me, kicks me when I'm down, and kicks harder if continue. She's attempted to wedge herself between me and my immediate family and every single friend.  She hit me in the face then asked if we could have sex 15-20 min later. She has weaponized both mine and my son's  ADD & ADHD, she's actually said out loud to my son and I "Maybe life would be better without you guys. Y'all can go figure stuff out. I'll be fine on my own" the cut to "Why are you leaving me? why would you leave me here alone all day?"

I'm not perfect, don't claim to be, but my wife says I think that I am, and yet, she expects nothing less. She insisted I didn't need ADHD meds anymore and had to stop taking them.
Her: Don't, like, 1st & 2nd graders take that medication when they misbehave? You're a grown man, why do you need a child's drug?
Which led to a 4 year battle with opiate addiction.
In rehab, I was put back on my meds, and like a miracle(or science) I suddenly stopped acting like a defiant 1st or 2nd grader!
I'm 8 years clean now.

We've been together for 12 yrs, married for 5 and we have an 12 yr old boy who has been severely affected by this.

I had no idea what to call what was happening to me. I had friends and family tell me I'm crazy or stop talking to me. It wasn't until I read Stop walking on eggshells that my epiphany came. And it hit me hard....I cried, laughed, screamed, and dreamed. I felt like the weight of all of the guilt and shame she's made me feel lifted away instantly. Followed by the gut wrenching realization that I have to get a divorce. But still, relieved because I can see the light. She has a lot of control right now though, I am a full time student and she has her own business that is growing fast. And allllll of the money she is making has gone straight to her head and it has made things get exponentially worse, which is why I have to get us out.

I love my wife, but her behavior has become endangering to myself and our child. Advice anyone?
Thank you so much!

[ForeverDad]

If she is continuing on a dysfunctional course, then you'll have to face the reality... life is not going to change for the better on its own.

You've tried for years... But BPD is a disorder of close emotional relationships.  It is where the individual can't or won't actually listen to the people closest because they are so sensitized and triggered by the past emotional baggage.  It is most evident within families where a "public face" often drops away to expose underlying perceptions and emotions.

Also, people on the periphery may notice something "off" but it's not as intense or prolonged for them.  That's probably how the term Borderline took root, they're not normal but aren't quite crazy enough to be institutionalized.

The professionals who have no emotional ties to your spouse also haven't been able to get past her endless Cycles, Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

So, realizing that it is increasingly unlikely for her to make an effort to improve herself, the future for you and your pre-teen depends upon you.  Here we have practical peer support, boards filled with similar accounts and what has worked for many, boards which detail various helpful relationship tools and skills and more.

In the more intractable cases, the option may be to end the adult relationship.  Of course, you will still be a parent to your son, just as he will still be a child of his mother but... you two do not have to live with the ex 100% of the time.  You can establish your own home separate from her where your home is a safe, calm and reasonably normal place.  In that way, too, your son can view the contrast between normalcy versus unhealthy dysfunction, better preparing him for his future adult life.

[mero]

Hey WXMC,

I feel your pain, and it's completely relatable! I can't believe why all these crazy BPD wives are all the same! They are here to suck our happiness drain our energy. She creates our home chaotic as hell and blames me for everything!

I have two kids, one is exactly like yours, a 12-year-old son, and a little daughter. I feel very sorry for the kids as they don't understand what's going on. However, my 12-year-old son knows quite a bit now, as he is very smart and has noticed the difference between what is right and wrong, so he always defends me. When he does that, she starts saying I brainwashed him, and he is also becoming like me. My son then tells her that's because she is crazy, not brainwashed by dad.

She lies to her psychiatrist and therapist, so she isn't getting properly diagnosed. CRAZY SICKNESS!