I can't be a punching bag anymore

[MouseInCream]

Three years ago, I took on two abused kids with my now husband. One turned out with the trying to do everything right perfect so and beats himself up when he's not... but appears now to be mostly adjusted.

The other one is bound and determined to destroy the entire family. If my husband isn't here to beat on (for him, kicking and punching), she will unleash the most nasty, vicious crap on me that she can.

I walked away earlier when she started to give her time to calm down. When I saw that she was getting her brother to help her use his computer, I said I wanted to talk to him alone. She refused to leave and then started a massive fight. I hate to admit it, but I'm not sure how I didn't actually hit her. I know that sounds horrible and I know I am horrible for being so mad I could, but I feel so trapped. My home is so miserable.  We have been trying for over a year to find a PRTF that will accept her medical needs as well as our insurance.  We thought we stuck gold this past week, only to be told that because she is aggressive to her dad too frequently, they will not accept her. She's been inpatient twice in the last month for SI threats and there is no follow-up care available. Both her counselor she sees weekly and psychiatry feel she needs PRTF, too, but no one will take her. I feel trapped and generally hate my life. Her brother would rather go back to an abusive mother. I'm afraid she is going to kill her 1 year old sister. We have keypad lock on our door, so we can feel safe enough to sleep.

If all of this isn't enough, she has stated she doesn't want to get better. She likes getting (more like demanding and ensnaring) the attention, even if it is negative.

I've been through POW training and 3 deployments. My husband spent two years of his life in Iraq. Absolutely every ounce, even getting hit so hard I got a concussion during one interrogation, was a cake walk compared to this. We are living with a ticking time bomb.

Has anyone been at this point and made it out? It truly feels like we are going to be dead one way or another before she is able to be out on her own.

Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I was in that exact situation, with my two daughters.  The oldest one started showing behavioral patterns in elementary school, and by her teens I was fearful for my life at times.  It was absolute hell and I agree, nothing in my life has been more difficult.  It feels like there's no escape.

The part that bothered me the most was that I mentioned two daughters...the younger one (by two years) took the brunt of the older one's violence and outbursts.  Abusing me is fine- I can stand on my own two feet and defend my actions.  But going after your younger sister is a line that I had no idea how to deal with.  That was by far the hardest part.

Like you, we were desperate for help and couldn't find any.  Like you, we were at our wits end on what to do.  But I learned to "play the game" and it made all the difference in the world.

What's the game?  Simple- you learned it in the military.  Actions have consequences.

Threaten me and you're grounded.  Raise a hand to anyone in this house (or harm yourself) and I'm dialing 9-1-1.  Maybe I can't get you immediate help, but a psychiatrist at a local hospital can through a court order.

So I put my foot down- abuse is no longer accepted here.

At the same time, a psychiatrist for my kid was working with me as well.  He told me plainly that my kid couldn't get better until she was ready to get better, and any of my efforts were useless until that time. 

So I played the game, over and over again, and my kid hated every bit of it...hated me just as much and told people I was the devil.

But I stood my ground and refused to walk on eggshells.  If you lash out, you're losing your car, your phone, or anything that you currently value.  And if you escalate from there, an ambulance will be along shortly.  My kid in response self harmed, ran away, threatened us, etc.  But I stood my ground like the psychiatrist said.

One time, we picked her up after a 9-day stay; the insurance wouldn't cover any more time.  And the psychiatrist told me, my kid is very angry at me, and if she started something I was to pull off the property, preferably through the north entrance where there was surveillance, and then drive right back into the ER and re-admit her.  He'd keep her bed ready just in case.

Only, the psychiatrist said this to me in an area my kid could hear; he was manipulating her so she was trying to manipulate me into thinking she'd be nice.  Whatever, it was the last time we forcibly had to admit her because she finally learned to play the game as well- if you abuse people at home, you're going for an ambulance ride.  So she "pretended" to play nice...which was all we were trying to teach her to begin with. 

Her "faking it" was irrelevant because the house was finally at peace.

Once she turned 18, the game changed because if she chose to be abusive, we could ask her to leave.  And we did many times.  She was homeless for a stretch, chased after her drugs of choice, and made countless bad decisions that put her life in danger.  She had all the wrong friends as well, but that's okay.  She could live at home by our rules, or life her best life and deal with the consequences.

By kicking her out, by forcing her to see the world for what it really is, that's what ultimately began to change her mindset towards therapy.  At 23, she went back to the "evil psychiatrist" who challenged her to become better with manipulation and within six months, she was a different person.  Literally everything changed and we have a very good relationship today.

Looking back to where you're at now, my heart breaks for you.  But it doesn't have to stay that way and you do have a medical/legal system that allows you to fight back by playing the game.  It's a terrible game, don't get me wrong, but it is your only path forward to teach right from wrong, that actions have consequences.

Please hear this as well- this is not about you, it has nothing to do with you.  Everything that's happening is due to mental illness and unstable emotions.  So try not to take it personal, and I do know how crazy that sounds, but your kid would be doing this to absolutely any parent anywhere in the world.

I hope that helps!

 

[Sancho]

Hi MouseinCream
It sounds a very dire situation indeed! How old are the children and you mention a one year old - is that child with you?

Do the children see their biological parent/s at all? Also is DD on any medication and if so does she take it?

I am not sure what the program you mention entails - is it a residential program? Things can be so different in other countries. From your brief description of the level of violence displayed by DD, I think there would be a special both accommodation and program for your DD, but it doesn't sound as though anyone is stepping up to offer a suitable option.

Does the child have particular diagnoses? It sounds as though there may be complex mental health issues.

You briefly describe a scenario, but I wonder if you could give more details. My understanding is that the child wanted her brother to help her with a computer - you then asked to speak to the boy alone ie that she leave the room (is that right?) and that triggered a huge response.

In addition to the one on one interactions there will be triangulation going on for sure - and attention to the brother, particularly as he is more settled now, could be a huge trigger. There are some posts here where families are dealing with this ie the BPD child being triggered by any attention to another child.

A paediatric psychiatrist once told me that ordinary behaviour management techniques often are not successful in the case of BPD. This was true in my case.

I hope you can find time to post again with some more details. Your situation is just so difficult - my heart goes out to you!