Something switched within me recently. I still don't want to get divorced but I think I finally got to the point, really to the point that if that's what happens, that's what happens. I still have a long, twisty and uncertain path ahead but I do know that what's happened in the past is not what can continue to happen in the future.
I've had a number of boundaries in my head for many many months. Knowing what I wanted to set but was so scared. So scared for change, to upset things and make them worse. I wish I could go back to my self 5, 10+ years ago and shake the hell out of him. I was just so scared all the time. I'm still scared, I still have fear and anxiety but I'm trying to face it. It's no way to live.
After the last episode you can read about here: (
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3060139.0). I decided that was it and sat her down, reading her what I had been waiting to say. I feel accomplished in many ways but also shake my head at how crazy it is that these things even have to be said. That this just isn't normal. And I fell into the trap of believing it was normal. Of letting her, the mentally ill person who was out of her mind, set the standard for what is normal in the house and our relationship.
I had specific boundaries I wrote down and read to her, and wanted to share. It was difficult for me to find examples so hopefully this helps others. We're not alone, there are a lot of us out there just like you reading this. Some of the verbiage I based on some wording from SWOE for partners, it had some good, concrete things to say.
01When you become angry you can say hurtful things. You sometimes make sarcastic or passive aggressive comments, put me down, or threaten me. You yell, scream or express other forms of verbal and increased physical aggression. This tends to happen more when you are drinking alcohol. The other night when I told you I would no longer discuss issues with you because you were drinking, you only became angrier and more aggressive. You would not respect my boundary that I will not engage in arguments or participate in non-happy discussions when alcohol has been consumed. I attempted to walk away to give each of us space, yet you continued to violate my boundary, following me around the house. I finally had to lock myself in a room. You became physically violent - banging on the door while screaming and swearing. You threatened me to comply or else you would go out to a bar. It left me emotionally drained, sad and confused, the kids heard everything and they both were crying. Last month you got so angry that said to me that you wanted me dead so you could collect life insurance, that same weekend you screamed in my face and told me I’ve ruined your life. You made a serious false accusation to my mother that I had threatened you and you would call the police, and you then threatened me by saying you would take our son out of the country. These are just a few recent incidents from the past month but far from isolated.
When you speak to me like this it feels as though you had punched me in the gut. I also worry about how this impacts the kids listening to these things and hearing their dad being yelled and sworn at. Threatened again and again and hearing doors being slammed and pounded on. When you yell, swear or speak to me with hostility, it really takes away my trust in you and weakens our relationship. It also hurts my self-esteem. That’s the opposite of what I want for us.
I know I’ve complained and talked about this before, but I haven’t really done anything about it consistently. Looking at how this is affecting our marriage and our family I need to change that. I hope you decide to stop this behavior on your own. But if you don’t, I feel resolute in my decision to not allow speaking to me with hostility, name calling, yelling and swearing, or any type of raging to go on, regardless if there has been alcohol consumed or not. It’s too destructive to me, this relationship, and this family. If you do, I’ve decided that I will first ask you to stop and remind you why. Then if you don’t stop, I will leave the room or if needed I will put myself in the spare room for the night and we will not speak until things are calmed down. This includes texting.
I think this will make everyone in the family happier, including the kids. I won’t feel so frustrated and hurt and maybe you will feel calmer yourself. I think this will really help our relationship. I know it will from my perspective.
02We seem to get into repetitive and unproductive conversations where the discussion keeps returning to the same points, often without resolution or progress. They can start with anything, it might seem trivial to me but upsets you a great deal. The argument ends up being repeated over and over again even after stating my case on the matter again and again. You will shift onto other topics altogether, often historical incidents are brought up that you are extremely upset by that have nothing to do with what triggered you initially. This pattern repeats over and over and can go on for hours or days. These arguments are emotionally draining for me.
I will no longer allow myself to be dragged into pointless conversations/arguments that go round and round and never get anywhere. I will clearly state my case once and it will be left at that. If an argument becomes circular, if I feel like I am repeating myself, or if I am listening to ongoing angry complaining, venting or blaming and the conversation is not solution based and going from topic to topic - I will need to excuse myself. We can talk again once things are calm.
03I can’t control whether you drink or not but drinking seems to hurt us more then help us. Your drinking is 100% your choice but I've made a decision. I'm not going to be buying any alcohol for you any longer in the house or outside of it, it doesn't seem to be helping us much. If you want it you will need to get it and pay for it yourself.
If there has been drinking then I will only engage in positive or happy discussions. I will not participate in serious or heavy talks, important discussions or important decision making, I will not hash things out or attempt to resolve issues or be a part of emotional venting. Also, I will absolutely not engage in arguments if there has been drinking. I will leave the room and we will need to talk the next day or longer if needed until things are calm.
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It's only been a little over a week and overall it's been good. There haven't been any emotional outbursts/episodes yet to challenge me though. At first she wasn't happy about it but did accept it. A day or two later she told me she knows she's treated me poorly and is working on her behavior and her drinking with her therapist and psychiatrist. Our first time out for dinner a couple days later I was nervous. She surprised me by asking for her wine to be put on a separate bill. She's gone to the store a few times to get some wine and hasn't asked me to. So she did it on her own.
I know I'll be challenged soon enough with a splitting episode but I do feel resolute, 100%, in holding my boundary. I'm finally okay with her 'leaving' if she decides to do that. I'll be okay. I only wish I would have realized it years ago.
