Please Help. Don't know what to do.

[lajb000]

I feel so lost and conflicted. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He’s an amazing person with a lot of good qualities; qualities that I have always looked for in a relationship. We’ve been battling back and forth some time now.

When we first started I thought that his insecurities were just from the hurt he had from past relationships. He told me he had been cheated on several times by different women. At that time being unaware of what BPD was I put myself in his shoes and empathized with him. I kept trying to prove to him that I was different and wasn’t going to do what others had done to him.

After months of constantly trying to prove myself and battling, I started to step back and look at the bigger picture. I remembered him telling me in passing once that he thought he was bipolar, so I did extensive reading online and looked up things that he told me felt. What has always stuck out to me was that he constantly told he has a fear of being abandoned. I started to look more into all red flags I was getting. I put them all together and realized he has BPD. From the DSM he meets 8 out of the 9 criteria. He’s had several suicide attempts while being with me, severe depression and anxiety. I pushed for him to seek therapy and he finally did. He went to a psychiatrist and they diagnosed him with major depression disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I know i’m not a doctor but I feel like they just didn’t catch the BPD and misdiagnosed it.

After getting on medication for depression things got a lot better between us. I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The happy stable person I know he can be only lasted for about a month. Now we are right back where we started. He keeps telling me that I don’t care about him and all this stuff. I know that this is a BPD trait but I’m genuinely exhausted. I love him deeply but I don’t see this getting any better especially since he isn’t aware about BPD. I’ve educated myself on the disorder and have really tried to make things work between us. When he’s upset he always lashes out at me and tries to end the relationship. This last time happened about a week ago and I don’t think I can continue in this cycle. I feel extremely affected by it all and have started to feel like I’ve become this co-dependent person in the relationship. He’s aware that he has a problem and wants to seek help for it but he’s only just scratching the surface.

 I’ve read success stories in people with BPD and how it is possible for them to overcome it but the only way for that to happen is if they are getting treated specifically for BPD and are going to someone who specializes in it. Right now we’re at a crossroad in the relationship. We’ve been on this “break” for a week because I don’t know what to do. He apologizes for his behavior and lashing out. Even though I know that he doesn’t mean the stuff he says I still can’t bring myself to just ignore it and continue to enable the behavior. He wants me to act like if it didn’t happen a go back to being in a  “happy” relationship.  I’ve tried to explain how hurt I am and that I can’t just move past it, I’ve done it too many times and I can’t anymore. He then continues to throw it my face that I don’t care about him and all I can do is look at the negative stuff. I’m really at a loss.  He make me feel crazy. Even though I know the best thing to do for me is to think about me and end the relationship. It makes me feel crazy because I don’t understand how after everything I still want to be with him.

If anyone who has experienced something similar I would love to hear some feedback. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose someone I know could be good for me but I don’t know if it ever will.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  lajb000:

I'm sorry you are feeling lost and conflicted.   Trying to make sense of a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be difficult.  :)id your partner stick with the medication?  Sometimes they have to try different meds to find the right one or combination.  Meds alone won't fix bad behaviors that perhaps have become habit.  Someone with BPD will likely need therapy.

People can have a genetic predisposition for BPD, or it can be environmental or a combination of both. It is thought that some pwBPD either have an imbalance in brain chemistry, faulty brain wiring or perhaps both. BPD is a spectrum disorder.  It generally doesn't stand alone.

It is common that pwBPD have an anxiety disorder, depression, ADD/ADHD, OCD, PTSD or other mental disorders.  The diagnosis is somewhat subjective and a person might get a diagnosis of BPD from one professional, then get perhaps PTSD or anxiety disorder and depression from a different professional.

Although some people might experience a cure (or remission).  Stress and certain life events might cause a flair in BPD behavior.  A person could lose a few of their BPD traits, but not all of them.  By stopping a few behaviors from the list,  they could qualify as not having BPD, because they aren't exhibition the number of traits for the label; however, the remaining BPD traits could still be distressing to deal with.

Someone who has anxiety and depression, that is caused by a problem with brain chemistry or wiring, won't generally resolve the situation for the long run without ongoing meds. and therapy.  They may have a period of remission, but they won't likely experience a remission that will last the rest of their life, without treatment.  If someone with BPD is not serious about getting help and continue with getting help, their behavior won't likely stabilize for the long run.  You have to accept them as they are.  

You have to be realistic about what is possible with your partner. If you want children, you have to consider that you have a higher chance of having children with mental illness.  Then, you have to think about your partner's behaviors?  Would you want to be raised with a BPD parent, with unmanaged BPD behavior?

Sorry to throw out some harsh information.  It can be good to consider the worst case scenario, "prepare for the worst and hope for the best".   Some people find it helpful to seek the help of a therapist to help them make a decision regarding a relationship.  

You can't fix him and you can't make him get and continue treatment.  All you can do is manage the way you interact with him and react to him. There is a lot of helpful information in the margin to the right of this post.  By learning and using some of the "basic tools", it can help reduce the conflict in your relationship.  Check out some of the tools, give them a try and let us know what you think.  

Again, welcome to the community.  You will find some good listening ears and people who are willing to share and offer helpful suggestions.

[livednlearned]

Hi lajb000,

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by someone with BPD. It's great that you caught yourself sliding into a codependent role -- that bodes well for turning things around!

What do you say to him when he says you don't care about him?

Maybe we can help pinpoint ways to phrase things that can lead to better outcomes.

Ultimately, he is responsible for himself. There is a world of pain waiting for those of us who try to be responsible for them. With some help, tho, we can be coaches and do/say things to prevent things from getting worse.

Do you two live together?

[Jessica84]

I can completely relate to your story - everything from how you're feeling now (the confusion, the torment) to his diagnoses (hitting the obvious symptoms but falling short of a BPD diagnosis). Mine finally got the right combo of drugs, but the BPD still flares up because he isn't getting proper therapy.

I also get how your bf expects you to "get over it". I've had to do a lot of that. And it was tough at first. Sadly, this part is on us - the emotional adults. I found seeking resolution with him after blowouts was like trying to get lemonade out of a tomato! The more I tried, the more frustrated I got. And round and round we went. I had to move past the hurts on my own without involving him. We process things at a different pace than they do - gradually. They have the ability to distort the facts to fit their current moods - they're wired in a way that they can do this quicker than we can.

So... .during your break, take this time to take care of YOU. Do something that makes you feel good, worthy. Also, work on forgiveness and letting the hurts go. This will help you whether you choose to get back together or not. It is essential if you do get back together - because he may never apologize or admit any wrongdoing. That's BPD. There is a lot of shame at their core. Facing their mistakes is too painful so it can spin them into a new spiral. And those pesky resentments you may have lingering can creep back in and ruin everything because you won't be in the right headspace to validate him. So if you can get yourself grounded enough not to need anything from him, you have a greater chance at long-term success. I know it's hard. All of it. I try to look at him objectively - to see his odd, moody behaviors as coming from a place of confusion/pain. That is not to say you enable bad behaviors - ever. It will just sting less and clear away some of your own confusion so you can make the best decision for YOU.