CC43
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 598
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« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2025, 04:33:42 PM » |
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Hi there,
The person with BPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter. She was always a sensitive child, but her destructive BPD behaviors emerged in early adulthood, with some indications in high school becoming major dysfunction when she went away to college. She exhibited many BPD traits such as volatile relationships, suicidal thoughts/attempts, self-sabotage, delusional thinking, inappropriate/uncontrolled anger, lashing out, impulsivity, disassociation, fragile/distorted sense of self and emptiness/depressive/ruminating thoughts. Her life (and her family's life) became hellish. Though a victim mentality isn't technically a BPD trait, I'd suggest that it should be, as my stepdaughter played victim all the time, blaming others, especially her parents, for all her problems, even if fact patterns didn't align at all. I think she was lying to herself, to deflect responsibility for herself. However, when she hit bottom after serious suicide attempts, she realized that she needed to start taking therapy seriously. Fortunately, in our area, there are top-notch therapy programs for BPD. I'm happy to say that she really turned her life around in a just a couple of years. Though she's still emotional and has a negative attitude sometimes, she's not getting derailed by every little setback or disappointment like she used to. I'd say that she probably wouldn't qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore, mostly because she doesn't seem suicidal, delusional or rage-blaming anymore. Her daily life looks much healthier now and appropriate for a young adult. She managed to complete her college degree, and though it took her longer than most people, she got it done! This would have seemed impossible just a few years ago. Though she's still estranged from most of her family, I retain a smidgen of hope that as she moves forward in life, she'll feel more accomplished, and with accomplishment, she'll feel less aggrieved, and eventually she might be able to repair some relationships. At least that's what I hope, but I know not to get my hopes up too high. Thinking in baby steps is better, as is thinking mostly in the present. Holidays and celebrations remain a trigger, and to cope, I generally have the policy of inviting the BPD stepdaughter, but not expecting her to come. I'll generally say, "You're welcome to stop by any time during the holiday, but we understand if you can't make it." I don't think she's quite ready to see others be happy or successful, as she feels too jealous. Usually we have traditional holidays with family, and then a day earlier or later, we'll have a smaller celebration just with her, so she can be the sole focus of attention. That format seems to work best right now.
The uNPD in my life is my brother-in-law. He has been a toxic influence on my sibling as well as his young children. His self-centeredness shouldn't surprise me by now, but the extent of it is sometimes astounding. I guess I'd summarize it as, he expects to be the center of the universe and for everyone to shower him with gifts, service and attention, while he does absolutely nothing in return. In fact he thinks everyone is a loser--less successful, less good-looking, less popular, less intelligent than he is, and he can be really mean about it, as he frequently belittles his own children, such as calling his young girls who***s and his young son an idiot, when they are lovely kids! Yet he's the one who is long-term unemployed, lives in squalor, looks like a slob, has no friends and has had several run-ins with police. He has a host of chronic medical issues yet refuses to comply with any recommended treatment regimen because he thinks his body is special. His immediate family (including his young kids) are frankly sick of caring for him like a little baby, and without their constant caretaking and attention, his very health has continued to deteriorate. I suspect he will not live much longer, he's that bad. Yet his thinking remains delusional. He thinks he's an awesome dad and that his chronic health issues emerged because he took too much Ibuprofen one day. He has a million excuses for why he doesn't show up for his own kids--he lost his phone, he wrecked his car, his leg hurts, his foot hurts, he's busy (though long-term unemployed), he overslept, he had to go to the emergency room, the directions were wrong, he didn't have internet service, his electricity was cut off, he couldn't get his car registered, he got lost, his watch stopped, the kids told him the wrong date, he changed his phone number, he tripped and fell, the Uber didn't come, he's too busy doing paperwork, he didn't know it was school vacation, he didn't hear the kids ring his doorbell, etc. If he does manage to show up for his kids, he'll nap through half his parenting time. CPS visited him multiple times. Because NPDs can be charming, manipulative and convincing, he fooled CPS at first. But over time, CPS figured him out.
How do I deal with NPD? I don't have to deal with him directly, but I guess my takeaway is to adjust my expectations, and I have encouraged my family to adjust their expectations too. To hope that as a father, he would step up and put his kids' interests first is just not going to happen. I'm sure he thinks he loves his children, but he will not be able to parent them in a conventional way. Expectations need to be adjusted to reality. He will do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and that is all he will ever do. Listen not to what he says/promises--he cannot be trusted; only consider what he does. He cannot be depended on, not even to call his kids once a week. And so one has to work around that. Similarly, to expect that he will continue to pay child support without a means of enforcement (such as garnishing wages) is fraught (because he has no wages). It's better to expect nothing from him in the future, and start with that assumption, to avoid disappointment. If he does do something nice for the kids, then fantastic, but do not get hopes up or extrapolate. In addition, as a pwNPD, he might "perform" if someone he respects is watching, such as an immediate family member. Therefore supervised visitation is likely the best route. I think my nephew has learned to adjust his expectations, too. Just the other day he said to me, "Aunt, my dad told me that 'maybe' he'd come to my recital, but when he says maybe, he really means he's not coming." He's right, and he's definitely not an idiot like his dad says he is.
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