Taking steps to set limits

[SomebodyIUsed2No]

My loved one is suffering from many of the hallmark signs of bpd (and I as well as a bystander). It has taken me many months to discover that I am not completely crazy and responsible for all of the issues in our relationship. Recently I’ve been learning more about what I can do to take steps to improve things and not lose myself in process. How do you balance walking out of a situation when there is an episode of splitting so that you don’t feed into the feelings of emptiness, abandonment, etc but also stand up for what you need to in order not to have perpetual cycle of persons bpd dragging your own emotions down? I’m challenged in the sense that I want to improve the relationship but recognize that it takes my loved ones effort as well to do so. Seems like a constant back and forth. I’m weighing leaving the house for a day or 2 for space but concerned that will lead to further turbulence. Any tips or ideas are much appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position and it's definitely a struggle knowing what's right or wrong.  Hopefully we can help as a group.

First thing, you mentioned that there's a repeating pattern that includes splitting.  It's almost impossible at times to know why that happens, but we can understand that it comes from a deep-seeded fear of abandonment.  The words won't always equal the emotions in those moments, and it's sometimes so hard to avoid defending ourselves from the accusations.

However, the words are meaningless...they're a release of hurt and pain.  The emotions, and the feelings behind them, that's where actual growth can come from.

When my BPD ex wife or BPD daughter is in that state, I'll focus on what I can do to help the situation- being calm and supportive.  I'll try to ignore the words completely since I realize that they're hurting and reacting badly because of mental illness.  Instead, I'll let them know that I love them and I'm there for them...and that I'm not going anywhere.

If it gets too ugly, then I'll say that I'm stepping away for a bit so everyone can calm down...which is the truth.  If it continued then I'd say something ugly, and i know it's better to not do that.  So I'll reinforce that I love them and I always be there, but I need a moment to focus my thoughts and gain my composure.  I make it a me-thing...because I'm the one on the verge of losing it from unfair attacks.

Is that fair?  Nope, not even a little bit.  But we're talking about mental health here and a warped self-esteem.  I have to be strong, even when the BPD is weak.  But I also have to know my limits and set boundaries that say, "When you lose it and I can't take it anymore, I'm stepping away for me."  We can't say it that way, of course, but that's what is on my mind.

Why does this work?  Because we're setting a predictable pattern; when you argue, I'm backing off for my own mental health.  I'm doing it in a loving way, but still...if you start yelling and blaming, I'm going to withdraw because it's the healthiest choice for both of us. 

And I make it known that I don't want to do that...it's the BPDs choice to talk with me or scream.  Either way, I'm not going to argue and get caught up in that emotional rollercoaster.  My role is love, compassion, and the right types of support.

Over time, the screaming slows down and we're able to have real conversations.  It's a learned behavior; if I approach Pook genuinely with my problems, he'll talk them out all day and be a great source of support.  If I scream, he's walking away.

I hope that helps!

[cynp]

This is a difficult issue for me, too. I don't feel I'm in a place where I can leave a raging stuation and not make the splitting worse quite yet. So when they are splitting I have decided to 'leave' the room mentally. I try vry hard to not yell back or get emotional in any way that just makes it worse. I keep quite and think of a prayer, song lyrics, numbers, anything to not focus on the ugly words being said. 

[hueyman]

Hey, I really feel for what you’re going through. It sounds like it’s been a long and emotional ride, and it’s a big deal that you’re starting to see you’re not crazy or the only one causing the problems. That’s an important step.

Something I’ve learned is that sometimes people show signs that seem like BPD like mood swings, splitting, or getting really emotional but they might not actually have it. Sometimes it’s just that the way two people communicate doesn’t click, or one person feels unheard or overwhelmed and they can't handle it. It can make things feel worse than they are and if they are struggling to communicate or feel like they can't, they will have a "spiral"/reaction. So it's not always a disorder, it can also be the way you’re both reacting to each other.

Honestly for some people, just really listening to them like really hearing what they’re feeling without trying to fix it—can calm the whole situation down. I would try to fix my partners problems which didn't work, and then I tried to dismiss them (caringly) which also didn't work. However, that’s more true for people who don’t actually have BPD (my partner hasn't been diagnosed) but are just in pain or feeling stuck. When someone does have BPD, things can get more intense, and that’s when you really need strong boundaries to protect your own mental health.

You’re totally right that it takes effort from both sides. You can’t do all the work yourself. If you’re thinking about leaving for a day or two to get some space, that’s okay. Just try to let them know it’s not about abandoning them something simple like “I need a little time to clear my head, but I care about you and I’ll be back” can help reduce the panic or fear they might feel.

You’re clearly trying your best, and that matters. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too !

[SomebodyIUsed2No]

Thank you for sharing everyone! It’s been quite a journey these past few months. We have continued to have ups and downs. Hopeful that continued effort and sensitivity will help lead to more lasting peace and improvements. I’m meeting with therapist soon and optimistic that with therapy we can also gain more tools to address issues.

Has anyone had success once they or their loved one with bpd or possible bpd had committed to treatment? I read about dbt and part of me believes that maybe a light bulb will go off or the recognition will bring healing.

[Pook075]

Has anyone had success once they or their loved one with bpd or possible bpd had committed to treatment?

There are many success stories on this site, and many failures as well.  Two main things seem to come into play in these situations:

1) As you said, getting into a long term therapy (such as DBT) can pay huge dividends.  My daughter has completely changed her life because of it.  But she had a willingness to change and grow while accepting that she doesn't always think through things in a healthy way.  That's a very hard thing to accept...that the BPS is problem even though their actions feel just.  So this isn't always the most direct path towards healing since some people never quite get there.

2) Communication from our side is equally critical because at the end of the day, these problems stem from a lack of trust and a fear of abandonment.  Just because someone else has mental illness does not mean that we don't play a part in the dynamics.  That's what the tips and tools section of this site is here for; letting us take accountability for our part and how we can communicate differently to improve the relationship.