Taking steps to set limits

[SomebodyIUsed2No]

My loved one is suffering from many of the hallmark signs of bpd (and I as well as a bystander). It has taken me many months to discover that I am not completely crazy and responsible for all of the issues in our relationship. Recently I’ve been learning more about what I can do to take steps to improve things and not lose myself in process. How do you balance walking out of a situation when there is an episode of splitting so that you don’t feed into the feelings of emptiness, abandonment, etc but also stand up for what you need to in order not to have perpetual cycle of persons bpd dragging your own emotions down? I’m challenged in the sense that I want to improve the relationship but recognize that it takes my loved ones effort as well to do so. Seems like a constant back and forth. I’m weighing leaving the house for a day or 2 for space but concerned that will lead to further turbulence. Any tips or ideas are much appreciated!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position and it's definitely a struggle knowing what's right or wrong.  Hopefully we can help as a group.

First thing, you mentioned that there's a repeating pattern that includes splitting.  It's almost impossible at times to know why that happens, but we can understand that it comes from a deep-seeded fear of abandonment.  The words won't always equal the emotions in those moments, and it's sometimes so hard to avoid defending ourselves from the accusations.

However, the words are meaningless...they're a release of hurt and pain.  The emotions, and the feelings behind them, that's where actual growth can come from.

When my BPD ex wife or BPD daughter is in that state, I'll focus on what I can do to help the situation- being calm and supportive.  I'll try to ignore the words completely since I realize that they're hurting and reacting badly because of mental illness.  Instead, I'll let them know that I love them and I'm there for them...and that I'm not going anywhere.

If it gets too ugly, then I'll say that I'm stepping away for a bit so everyone can calm down...which is the truth.  If it continued then I'd say something ugly, and i know it's better to not do that.  So I'll reinforce that I love them and I always be there, but I need a moment to focus my thoughts and gain my composure.  I make it a me-thing...because I'm the one on the verge of losing it from unfair attacks.

Is that fair?  Nope, not even a little bit.  But we're talking about mental health here and a warped self-esteem.  I have to be strong, even when the BPD is weak.  But I also have to know my limits and set boundaries that say, "When you lose it and I can't take it anymore, I'm stepping away for me."  We can't say it that way, of course, but that's what is on my mind.

Why does this work?  Because we're setting a predictable pattern; when you argue, I'm backing off for my own mental health.  I'm doing it in a loving way, but still...if you start yelling and blaming, I'm going to withdraw because it's the healthiest choice for both of us. 

And I make it known that I don't want to do that...it's the BPDs choice to talk with me or scream.  Either way, I'm not going to argue and get caught up in that emotional rollercoaster.  My role is love, compassion, and the right types of support.

Over time, the screaming slows down and we're able to have real conversations.  It's a learned behavior; if I approach Pook genuinely with my problems, he'll talk them out all day and be a great source of support.  If I scream, he's walking away.

I hope that helps!

[cynp]

This is a difficult issue for me, too. I don't feel I'm in a place where I can leave a raging stuation and not make the splitting worse quite yet. So when they are splitting I have decided to 'leave' the room mentally. I try vry hard to not yell back or get emotional in any way that just makes it worse. I keep quite and think of a prayer, song lyrics, numbers, anything to not focus on the ugly words being said.