My husband has BPD... Where to start

[ChaosAndCalamity]

  I feel overwhelmed just trying to write out something that isn't just a 1000 pages of rambling. Going to fact dump and see where that gets me

I've known my husband for 20 years, together and living together for over 10 years and married for over a year.

When we started a romantic relationship ten years ago he helped me out of the most difficult time of my life. Without focusing so much on myself but my mental hardships play into our relationship.

I cannot properly convey the level of mental brokenness that he had found me in, only that he is the reason I improved. He showed unending patience and gave me what my mind needed to heal, to simply be heard for the insane amount of time it took.

My diagnosis's are ASD, ADHD, PTSD/c-PTSD, DID and agoraphobia. It's a list and I have been in extensive and very active therapies to improve. It will be lifelong work as everyone here probably knows.

My husband got diagnosed with BPD about a month+ ago but I had been trying to figure out "what was wrong" for years.  My improvement has only put a spotlight on the near constant behaviors of unacceptable levels from him

He has accepted the diagnosis, talked to some of his family about it and is going to therapy. His therapist is still in training under my therapist. My therapist is highly skilled and specialized in personality disorders and we've spent over three years building a trust with her as he was very active in my therapies. His therapist started him on the STEPPS program two sessions ago but this last one he is already saying that they were not currently working on the program, she's just happy he started journaling, she didn't assign any work during the week... I just accept the information and move on

His episodes have increased in frequency over time to almost near constant for six months to a year. And yes a lot of that timing lines up to our marriage but also his dad dying. There's a lot of complex emotions over those things understandably for both of us

He pushes back and splits over everything. That is not an exaggerating remark I think but the very bad situation we have been in for a very, very long time

I do see progress in his ability to even entertain reframing situations. I see progress, I do. My life has been living on the knife's edge of trying to maintain this relationship and get him help that even though he just started therapy I need... I HAVE NEEDS!!

I need him to not kneecap us at every turn. Current example: He will probably lose his insurance in a couple of months. I can get him fully covered under mine (no cost) but it requires his cooperation and I have not successfully gotten that for a single tangible action, just words of agreement then an episode when trying to implement the plan we agreed on.

He told me tonight (paraphrased) that if I didn't let him do treatment his way at his pace then I am the problem. He confirmed that if left on his own he won't go to therapy at all and he just says "exactly"

Maybe a lot of us are presented with always "damned if I do and damned if I don't" choices which is not a choice.

Please, give me any and all advice, books, videos, life lessons or voodoo spells that I can do, that I can work on. It's impossible to force change upon him but I literally do not have a single relationship need met by him and he acknowledges this about half the time I'd say. I'll answer any questions if it can help

 

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[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It sounds like you've been going through a lot.

What boundaries do you have to protect yourself from his dysfunctional behavior?

Two of my favorite books to recommend are Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. The former more for theory and the latter for practical ideas.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!

I echo, "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition."  Great book with practical strategies to work through this with your husband.  The problem always was, and always will be, how you communicate with him.  It's not intuitive most of the time, and changing your communication patterns goes such a long way in helping him stabilize.

For example, you mentioned that he's been endlessly splitting for about six months.

Regardless of what he says, or how absurd it feels, ignore his words completely and focus on his emotions.  In other words, what would make him say such a thing?  Fear, guilt, jealousy, rage?  That's what you react to in a soothing, compassionate way.

I like to use the analogy of smashing my hand in a door by accident.  What I want to say in that moment is, "My hand really hurts."  But what comes out is cuss words, groans, etc. as the pain takes over and I try to fight my way through it. 

In that scenario, would you focus on my words...or the source of my pain?

You do the exact same thing with your husband- the words are just noise he's using to express his ever-changing emotions.  The only goal in that moment is to calm him down so his logical brain will take over and you can have normal conversations once again.  But until that happens, you may as well be speaking Greek because anything you say will only resonate in a way that makes him feel like you don't understand him (because you don't and he's communicating terribly...that's the problem).

I hope that helps!

[losthope1234]

Hii.. I understand that you are going through a lot. Having your own mental health concerns besides having a husband with BPD. It's a great deal of challenge.

You have mentioned that you have needs and you want him not to kneecap the situations. Could you give it some thought and identify what your most important needs are at this moment which is going unmet?Also, which specific kneecapping is hurting the most? Once you identify these, maybe practice communication like pook mentioned? How can you communicate these to him? You can share and discuss these here in the forum if you are comfortable.

[ChaosAndCalamity]

I'm replying to myself... Stay with it you. That's all the encouragement I have