Can a Near Death Experience Change the Thought Process ? BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My dog of 13 years passed away recently . She barely left my side since the day I picked her up at the farm as a little pup. She was my rock and my light she helped me out of the darkness.
I hadn’t heard from my ex Bpdgf since I finally went NC 2 years ago .We were together for 4 years . Like most people on here we had an extremely deep connection but the mind warfare finally broke me .
She reached out under a hidden phone number and went on to inform me that her dog had just passed also. It really struck a nerve , our dogs were the reason we got together in the first place for they shared the same names
Still grieving my dog I couldn’t ignore her pain so I sympathised with her, we talked for a couple of days after.
She went on to say that her health took a dive and she’s been in and out of hospital for the past 8 months, on one occasion she said she nearly died.
She told me that her near death experience opened her eyes to things that happened in our past relationship and went on to apologise for her behaviour. Something I never heard her say before !?
She sounded different, normal and insightful.
She’s saying all the right things and I still miss her so  much , it’s got me thinking can a near death experience shift the thought process of a Borderline woman?? She’s also just turned 52 , I read that age can possibly lessen the symptoms of BPD? Maybe it’s a combination of both I’m witnessing?
Or is this just the beginning of a new wash cycle?
Id love to hear others thoughts on this , is it safe to potentially go back ?

[Hawke]

My dog of 13 years passed away recently . She barely left my side since the day I picked her up at the farm as a little pup. She was my rock and my light she helped me out of the darkness.
I hadn’t heard from my ex Bpdgf since I finally went NC 2 years ago .We were together for 4 years . Like most people on here we had an extremely deep connection but the mind warfare finally broke me .
She reached out under a hidden phone number and went on to inform me that her dog had just passed also. It really struck a nerve , our dogs were the reason we got together in the first place for they shared the same names
Still grieving my dog I couldn’t ignore her pain so I sympathised with her, we talked for a couple of days after.
She went on to say that her health took a dive and she’s been in and out of hospital for the past 8 months, on one occasion she said she nearly died.
She told me that her near death experience opened her eyes to things that happened in our past relationship and went on to apologise for her behaviour. Something I never heard her say before !?
She sounded different, normal and insightful.
She’s saying all the right things and I still miss her so  much , it’s got me thinking can a near death experience shift the thought process of a Borderline woman?? She’s also just turned 52 , I read that age can possibly lessen the symptoms of BPD? Maybe it’s a combination of both I’m witnessing?
Or is this just the beginning of a new wash cycle?
Id love to hear others thoughts on this , is it safe to potentially go back ?

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear of your recent loss, my previous pets were always cats and some were real characters and much-missed.

Though you're undoubtedly happy to hear from your ex again - as I'm sure we would all have been at the time - I'd proceed with caution and not take things at face value.

Despite what she says, the actual facts could be that there has simply been nothing - or nobody - in her life since the breakup with you and she is looking to see if you're still available as an option. I know this sounds very mercenary but BPD's always need to be with someone and so will often return to previous relationships to satisfy this need if nobody else is in their life, not necessarily for the reasons we hoped for, like a sudden conscience and realisation that they had - and lost - a good thing. I think we all wanted this magical event to happen and for us to live happily ever after, but it never did as BPD is such a 'set' cycle and just repeats itself.

On the other side of the coin, I too have read that BPD can improve with age but I would imagine this would vary considerably from person to person and the changes would only be reductions in some areas, not a total change into a rational person, which is what we all hoped for.

If what she's saying is giving you genuine optimism then by all means respond cautiously and of course we all wish you well and hope something new and positive can be rekindled. Just be aware that it is very easy to be drawn back onto the roundabout again - two years no contact is long enough for her to have a new 'he's a great guy' idealisation phase about you just like when you first met, so be a little wary of jumping into anything too fast.

Best wishes and keep us informed of developments.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you lost your pup, it's so hard to say goodbye and it's one of the harder things in life.

For your ex, BPD is all about understanding.  I had a similar experience with my BPD daughter where she bluntly apologized for being such a bad kid growing up.  And it floored me...what?!?  She had never apologized for anything.  About a week later, I wrote her a letter and said that I forgave her for everything, and I meant it.  I was letting all the hurt and anger go.  I also asked her to forgive me, that I never meant to hurt her.  She was a hard kid to raise and I did my best.

That was almost three years ago and our relationship is still as strong as it ever was.

With my BPD ex (the mom of the daughter I just talked about), she told me about two years after we separated & divorced that she was sorry that she couldn't come back and try to make the relationship work.  That's a lousy apology, mind you, but our relationship changed after that and we were able to have civil conversations while enjoying each other's company. 

We had both moved on so there was nothing to salvage, but I do feel like we could have succeeded if the timing was different.

With your situation, it would be so easy to say that this is a rinse & repeat type of thing, because in some ways it is.  I had tough days with both my ex and my daughter since everything was forgiven.  But I handled those instances differently because I had matured in my understanding as well; I didn't instantly judge because they said something ugly.  And through that, those relationships grew to be positive ones.

If you go back, will things be perfect?  Absolutely not, that's not true for any relationship.  But can it be something you can get through with minimal stress and occasional tough moments?  Absolutely.

My advice would be to take things one day at a time- a phone conversation or a date is not the same as marriage.  Take this "getting to know you all over again" time to state what you want, how you feel about her, and think about how you'd work through the tougher moments differently.  The possibility is certainly there for something positive to come out of this.

[Hawke]

Thanks for your reply’s Under the Bridge & Pook

[Hawke]

I once read that at the center of a raging tornado, there’s silence.

A flood of calls, texts, emails — and now… nothing.

It’s been three days. No replies. No calls. Just silence.
And here I am again — checking my phone, replaying every word, wondering if I said something wrong. That familiar, heavy, hollow ache has returned.

I know this pattern too well.
And still… I let her back in.

What cuts deep is that she seemed different this time. Insightful. Remorseful. She even apologized. For a moment, I felt hope again.

I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I just needed to say it out loud.

Back to No Contact.

[once removed]

For a moment, I felt hope again.

what happened?

did the conversation fizzle out?

[Ash86]

Hi Friend,

So sorry for your loss.

My soon to be exHwBPD had cancer last year. It was a very rare kind and in a matter of 8 weeks he was diagnosed, and it was fully removed - but the odds of him having survived at all were about 1%. It was a mind bender. During the whole experience I thought "wow, I won't ever be upset about anything ever again as long as he lives" and he was being so gentle and appreciative and talking about the future in such a normal and positive way.

8 weeks after his surgery he started the most cruel behavior in our 15 year relationship to date. He went from "I can't believe we get a second chance, I promise I'm going to prioritize my mental health from here on out - I don't want to live the rest of my life like this" to practically cackling like the Joker, running off on me, running around on me, turning off all of his empathy. It was the most psychological abuse I've experienced to-date. His violent episodes regained speed and it ended with him declaring divorce, running off with someone else and doing a ton of drugs (but not before leaving me a letter about how he was actually going off to focus on his mental health so he could be a better husband and apologizing for all his wrongs?), coming back from said trip and strangling me and threatening to kill me.

So while I know we each have our own experiences, and that death and near death can absolutely trigger positive things in some people......just proceed with caution.

Their mentalities tend to be short lived as do their abilities to stay connected in an actual healthy way.

[Under The Bridge]

A flood of calls, texts, emails — and now… nothing.

Sorry to hear that things are no better. Try not to beat yourself up about it though, you're a caring person who wanted things to be better and you did all you could. We all know how easy it is to be drawn back into the cycle, despite our resolution never to do it again. One 'handicap' we non-BPD's seem to have is eternal optimism which keeps us coming back for more.

The barrage of contact then the silence does seem to indicate that she wants to know if you're still available. She may not want to actively re-engage, just feel more secure in the knowledge that you're there should she decide to. It might ease her mental state but it doesn't do anything for you, the one left hanging in uncertainty after being thrown breadcrumbs of texts, calls, etc.

Good luck with the no contact, you couldn't have done any more.

[HoratioX]

Weird -- I thought I'd replied to this, but unless that was taken down for some reason, it never posted.

Can't remember it all, but I'll try here:

1) I've read/heard symptoms of BPD (and CPTD, anxiety, etc.) can decrease over time. No scientific conclusion why, but it may be hormonal. Some declines can happen in the 20s and some in the 40s and 50s. But BPD is not curable.

2) People with BPD, etc., can have wide swings in behavior, including periods where they seem stable and healthy. Sometimes they really are. But BPD, etc., is defined by instability, so proceed with caution if you expect that to laast.

3) People with BPD, etc., can be highly manipulative, sometimes without being fully conscious of it. So, it they want something and can play off sympathies to get it, that can be part of the manipulation. So can using sex and seduction (though there's lots of argument about how conscious that might be).

4) I've met people who had an NDE, including one person who was the copacetic person I've ever met. He feared nothing and never let anything get to him because of his NDE. I took him to be genuine. But he said the experience clearly changed him and his outlook on life. It was profound experience, he said.

Were I in your position, I would be very cautious and suspicious of someone with BPD, etc., going through an experience and having a grand change as a result that significantly reduces their symptoms. From what I've read, BPD, etc., rewires the brain and leads to emotional dysregulation and essentially delusional behavior at times. Someone with BPD, etc., who claims to have had an NDE could well be merely exhibiting these BPD, etc. traits.

Lastly, my condolences on the loss of your dog. Pets are family, and I've had and lost several in my lifetime. It's never easy. But always remember the love you gave, both in form of care and nurturing but also in the form of security and companionship. You made their life joyful. We never have them for enough time no matter how long they live, but the time we do have them is worth every moment, and they know this, too. Be well.

[PeteWitsend]

...
She reached out under a hidden phone number and went on to inform me that her dog had just passed also. It really struck a nerve , our dogs were the reason we got together in the first place for they shared the same names
Still grieving my dog I couldn’t ignore her pain so I sympathised with her, we talked for a couple of days after.
She went on to say that her health took a dive and she’s been in and out of hospital for the past 8 months, on one occasion she said she nearly died.
She told me that her near death experience opened her eyes to things that happened in our past relationship and went on to apologise for her behaviour. Something I never heard her say before !?
She sounded different, normal and insightful.
...

Unless you have a trustworthy third person who can corroborate all this, or it was written up in the newspaper or some objective source, I think you have to put it in the category of "fiction."  That's not to say she's lying, or there is no truth in what she said, just that pwBPD have such a tenuous grasp on "the truth" and often take the approach that "the truth" is whatever suits them in that moment, that you should not get invested emotionally in their words.  Talk is cheap, and they learn to mirror the emotions of the person they're trying to get something from - companionship, sympathy, a committed relationship, etc. To put it another way, remaining skeptical of a pwBPD is a good insurance policy. 

The fact that she disappeared again is not unusual; maybe she was lonely and wanted a nice conversation for a bit.  Maybe she was feeling bad, and by calling you to sympathize, you helped her feel good about herself in the moment.  Who knows? 

Aside from the BPD issue: dogs are wonderful, and I'm sorry you lost such a great companion and friend.  I've read that you should get another as soon as possible after that to help get over the loss, and I've seen someone write "that's what your dog would want for you" which I found touching. 

If nothing else comes from the exchange you had from your ex-, take it as a positive that there was maybe some concern in her mind for you & she understands the loss of a pet hurts. But don't allow that to outweigh in your judgment all the pain she may have caused you. 

[EyesUp]

"Is it safe?" - We can't answer this for you.

You need to answer this for you. 

When I was in your spot, I went back in. Got married. Had three kids. It was a rollercoaster with very high highs and very low lows. In the end, 14 years later, she suffered a sort of implosion and sabotaged herself as well as our relationship - and then blamed me for everything (and, yes, I certainly contributed to the mix). The point is: I cannot speak to BPD safety, it's not something I've personally experienced or observed in my personal experience, or here on these boards.

However, I can speak to personal safety. It's when you rely on yourself - not on the other person. Safety is something you can bring into the relationship, but it requires firm boundaries to avoid repeating past mistakes, and a commitment to yourself - as much if not more than to your partner.

[once removed]

there is a great deal that we are missing in the details of this exchange.

is it safe to potentially go back ?

is not the question.

the question is whether it is safe to intend, or to read intent, in this exchange.

what we know:

you were together for 4 years. you have been broken up for 2.

you lost, and have been grieving your beloved friend.

your ex heard about it. she reached out to sympathize.

she then took the opportunity to apologize for things she said and did during the relationship. an ordinary, and mature ice breaker between two people that (presumably) ended badly, and are suddenly speaking again after 2 years.

you had high hopes for this to become something more.

...we dont know what happened after that, other than the conversation came to an end.

Hawke, is it possible, in your grief and vulnerability, that you floated (or just came across as) the idea of getting back together, and that that wasnt the intent behind her reaching out?

did the conversation simply fizzle out, leaving you disappointed, or did she suddenly and clearly go silent? what preceded the silence?

[Hawke]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, Once Removed and Eyes Up. I’ve read many of your posts over time, and I truly appreciate your insights—I’m very grateful and honoured.

A brief  summary:

I had never heard of BPD before this relationship. WhatI went through completely shifted my understanding of myself, the people I’ve met, the women I’ve dated, and human behavior as a whole. It was, to put it simply, a mind-bending experience.

I’m in my mid-40s, and I can honestly say this relationship changed me. It was pivotal—and unforgettable. She left a deep mark and she’ll be a part of me forever

She reached out recently while I was still vulnerable. I was grieving—my dog had just passed. Strangely, her dog died within a week of mine. That coincidence alone gave me goosebumps.

Not long after reaching out, she told told me she still had feelings for me. She was regretful and apologetic. And for the next three days, it was full throttle —nonstop texting while I was at work, long phone calls ( 3 - 4 hrs)  at night, just like the old days. I’m single at the moment, and I’ll admit the attention pumped my ego up but more than that, talking to someone who was going through the same loss felt comforting—almost therapeutic.

She also spoke about her recent health struggles, and I felt this strong pull to listen, to be there, to care. She sounded emotionally grounded, at least in terms of how she spoke about our breakup and her regret.



Then—silence. Just like that. No argument, no disagreement. Nothing.

I haven’t followed up, and I haven’t chased. Not this time.My family have advised me to stay NC .

Maybe she’s unwell again?

Maybe it was impulse. Maybe she just needed an emotional fix. I don’t know.
During the coarse of our three day  contact …..I did have hopes and thoughts of maybe trying again.

All I do know is… its opened that old  wound again .

[PeteWitsend]

...
I haven’t followed up, and I haven’t chased. Not this time.My family have advised me to stay NC .

...

The thought occurs to me that she wanted you to chase her.  She dangled a "carrot" in front of you, the "carrot" being the kind and sweet part of her you remember from the good times.  She even apologized to give you hope. 

If you do chase her, expect her to keep saying the right things for a while to draw you in deeper before she feels like she can replace the "carrot" with the proverbial "stick" and figures you're now in too deep to leave her again at the first sign of conflict. 

[Hawke]

Petewitsend, thank you for your thoughtful and very plausible reply.
Yes I agree , it’s that  familiar dance — I had completely forgotten how it goes. In the past, I would’ve been desperately trying to reach out, like an addict calling their dealer. I’m relieved I didn’t go down that road this time. I’m also really glad I turned to BPD Family instead — just putting it into words helped more than I expected.

It felt like a test — and it reminded me that I’m still not out of the woods yet.