need some support

[Deb Jones]

I have a BPD daughter who is 48 and is out of control. She has no job and cant hold one. I have tried to get her on disability but she refuses. She has two daughters that we have helped raise. The youngest one is now living with us and was removed from the home by DHS. This has caused so much anger towards me that it is difficult just to get through the day. We have had to block her from our phones as she sends horrible text messages to us and blames us for everything that has ever happened to her. I was the one who had to report her to CPS due to the living conditions in her home and neglect to her child. She now just shows such rage towards me even more. I am in counseling but still feel guilty about this whole situation. We are retired and now having to foster her child has really changed our future. I am not sure where this will ever end! We have given her so much money and a car and now we have decided that this just enables her. its so hard to see her suffering but we just don't know what else to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

I am so sorry to hear this!  BPD is just a BEAST   My daughter, pwBPD is only 24 years old, so....selfishly, I hope this stabilizes by 48 years old!  I really do not have any advice, only, I wish you peace AND I think it is amazing that you are doing so much; it DOES stand to reason, it IS hard to understand this process....FB memories can be bad...my pwBPD's prom pictures, from years ago, popped up; she looked SO happy & we WERE happy together (well...at least, I was

[Deb Jones]

Thank you! Yes it is so hard with our granddaughter here and our daughter makes it so hard for us to give this child normalcy. We just keep taking things one day at a time.

[CC43]

Hi Deb,

You sound like a real trooper, dealing with BPD in a daughter who is 48, meaning that you have probably endured abuse and chaos for decades, correct?  That you're taking responsibility for a grandchild is commendable, though I doubt you'll ever receive any thanks whatsoever from your daughter.  Instead, I'll say thank you, because are probably saving your grandkid's life.

I bet that your daughter makes all sorts of unreasonable demands, for money, food, transportation and logistical support, which seems totally unfair given that she's a full-grown adult, while you are in or nearing retirement, and considering all the support you've already provided through the decades.  While she holds out both hands for more support, she's probably treating you like dirt, correct?  Blaming you for every little problem in her life, I bet.  She likely thinks, it's your fault for bringing her into this world--she never asked to be born.  Worse, she claims she had a terrible childhood, and that you made her life hell, abusing her during her entire life, how on earth should she be expected to be normal?  Well, I bet you know by now that her thinking is totally delusional and distorted, and that you are NOT to blame.  This is simply the narrative that she tells herself to justify her ongoing abuse of you.  In fact, she's probably projecting her own feelings about herself onto you.  Does she call you a lazy, good-for-nothing, selfish, lying, narcissistic loser who makes her life hell?  Deep down, that's likely what she thinks about herself, not you.  But you see, to think that way about herself is too painful, and so she's deflecting those thoughts right back onto you, to try to make her feel better.  Misery doesn't like company--misery likes miserable company, which is why she tends to lash out.  At the same time, BPD means your daughter has a very negative attitude, and she sees the entire world through this distorted lens.  I bet she embraces a victim attitude, correct?  She maintains a narrative that others are responsible for ruining her life.  But with this thinking, she is powerless, and she has no agency.  Basically, she's learned to be helpless.  In fact, she's REWARDED for being helpless, because she gets all sorts of assistance, but she does no work (let alone give thanks) in return.  And since she's a victim, she won't commit to therapy or make any changes to feel better.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, that's probably because it's fairly typical for untreated BPD.  You might even feel sorry for her, if you hadn't suffered so much ongoing abuse from her.  I think many parents on this site feel a mix of despair, exasperation, grief, resentment and fear.  Sometimes there's a glimmer of hope, but years of trauma have conditioned us to lower expectations, because untreated BPD is just toxic for the whole family.  Enablement is also an issue.  It seems to me that people with BPD seem able to "pull themselves together" to get what they want, and they can act almost "normal" sometimes when they want to, which feeds hopes that they can maintain some normalcy indefinitely.  You might think, if I just help her get on her feet one more time, she'll straighten out and grow up at last.  And yet it seems that relapse is inevitable.  In fact, emotional "whiplash" is the norm--going from 0 to 60 in a millisecond.  The emotional lability and intensity can be scary indeed, like a nuclear reaction.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, you've come to the right place.

I guess I'd say to you, you deserve to put yourself first right now.  In fact, you might need to take a temporary break from your daughter to preserve your own sanity.  Think of it as a time out, for you and for your daughter.  If your daughter is abusive, give your daughter some time and space to cool off.  If she sends mean texts, delete them like spam, because that's what they are.  In the meantime, I hope you do something nice for yourself, because you deserve it.

[Deb Jones]

This is exactly what has happened!You have described my daughter and all her thoughts and actions exactly! She has done all of the above and more. I appreciate your feedback so much!. There are days (like today)that I just don't know what to do.We have blocked her from all our phones and have no contact with her except for the granddaughters visitation and those don't happen near us.
She has blamed me for everything that has happened in her life and now I have taken her children away from her. Her daughter suffers from trauma and I am trying to get her counseling as well.
My other children are very supportive of me so I am thankful.
I am also very very thankful for you contacting me.
This has helped me so much.
Deb

[SoVeryConfused]

I’m sorry for what you are going through. I know we try to use strategies and boundaries. We try to recognize the words are just in-the-moment angry outbursts, and they do really love us.

We do all of this, but what I feel- and hear in everyone’s posts- is the pain. The sadness. The confusion. The difficulty at accepting the abuse and hurt while also believing it’s not all true.

So, you’ve gotten good advice, and I also wanted to just share that I hear the pain and exasperation, and feel it myself.