uBPD sister - Learning to accept and live with a less-than-ideal family system

[Intotheforest]

Hello! It's been several months since I've posted, but, this group continues to be a source of support and really, normalcy, for me as I make sense of my uBPD sister and learn that my experiences are not unusual. Honestly, before I found this site, I truly questioned my own understanding of events. When I last posted I was trying to figure out whether I could go low-no contact with my uBPD sister but maintain relationships in my family system. Since that time, I've had several enlightening experiences as I've watched her and my family system in action with newly informed understanding. Without going into specifics, I ended up having a confrontation with my uBPD sister because she forced my hand - basically forced me to say to her that I don't trust her nor do I accept her version of reality, and as a result, I cannot support her in the tragedies she claims to be experiencing because I cannot differentiate between fact and fiction - particularly when my support comes at significant sacrifice for me and my own family. I confronted her on her history of abuse and her framing of her needs as the only ones that matter. This, of course, did not go well - she accused me of things that I did not do/say (something she has always done), told me that I deserved to suffer and that it feels good to hurt me. That sealed the deal for me. I've been no contact ever since. Painful and difficult, particularly because my family enables this behavioral pattern and refuses to recognize her behavior as problematic. Thats not entirely true, though. I have one sibling who acknowledged to me how off her behavior is and how terribly she has treated me and how inaccurate her version of reality seems to be...but then there was a blow up where my uBPD sister blew up on them and that sibling has since "gotten back into line". This has significantly harmed my ability to trust that sibling - who now appears to want to act like this never happened and will not discuss my uBPD sister at all - though supports her every move, whether it makes sense or not. Looking out over it from a distance, she has put a wedge between me and this other sibling - and she did the same thing to another sibling. And no one thinks thats weird. My parents are elderly and reliant on the four of us in many ways, and I have decided its not worth rocking their boat given their health. What I am watching now is a continual pattern of framing herself as a "victim" and then as a "hero" - and lots of claims that are inconsistent, some true, many stretched so far beyond truth they more closely resemble lies, all in service to her preferred self narrative. And everyone around my uBPD sister enables this behavior, to include my other family members. She makes sure that if you challenge her inconsistencies or logic, you are not welcome - and I have been the prime example of that for the rest of my family -  BUT, she successfully creates a narrative around our interactions that positions me as the one being hurtful and in the wrong. My recent encounter with my other sibling has made clear to me that this is not something that will change. For those with a better undertanding of BPD dynamics - does this demonstrate the Karpman's Triangle? What other things common to family dynamics in uBPD seem to be at play. I want to understand this better, and it is difficult to recognize these things as they are happening.

All of this I have mostly learned to accept - sometimes still a struggle - and I've come to accept that my connection with my family will always be surface level. I can't rely on them in any way, but I am trying to maintain surface level connections mainly so we (me, my husband, and kids) can continue to attend big family events (weddings, funerals, etc) in relative peace. I want to also ensure my kids are protected from her de-stabilizing behavior - and, all of them have been mis-treated by her when they were younger, before I realized she was likely uBPD. My kids are basically adults and understand who she is and that she is someone they should keep at a distance - we've had several conversations to that effect and they've seen her impact on me. Any advice on those that have done this well with their own kids?

[Swimmy55]

Hi there!
This situations is difficult on multiple levels, but good for you on honoring you and putting your needs first.  It is very hard.  What helps me is the saying ,"What others think of me is none of my business."  We are here for you. I have to have a think about the Karpman triangle and get back with you.

[Swimmy55]

I know that part of the Karpman triangle is person A is mad/ feels victimized at person B , but tells person C.  The expectation is that person C will talk to person B on person A's behalf.  Person A then goes on with life, leaving the other 2 resentful, confused , etc.  Yep, that does sound like the communication pattern at play here and unfortunately it is very common. I'm still learning on how to sidestep this in my own family  and it is hard.  My undiagnosed bpd father wants me to be his mouthpiece to my brother ( also undiagnosed bpd) and others. My father accused me of changing .  Just mess. Bpds do not like boundaries.   However, we need them in order to live.

[Intotheforest]

Hi there!
This situations is difficult on multiple levels, but good for you on honoring you and putting your needs first.  It is very hard.  What helps me is the saying ,"What others think of me is none of my business."  We are here for you. I have to have a think about the Karpman triangle and get back with you.

Thank you for your response! It really is hard to get to a point of acceptance that you cannot control what others think of you - especially your family - but I think I'm slowly getting there. I have realized that focusing on how unfair this is and/or that I don't deserve to be treated this way has been really damaging for my healing. Though both of these things are true, and important to realize, focusing on it gets me worked up and gets me thinking about the whole situation all wrong. Of course I don't deserve it. And, my uBPD sister doesn't deserve it either. Neither do my parents or other siblings. Yet, here we all are, dealing with it anyway. The hardest part for me was getting past the idea that she hurts me over and over again, so she should have to "pay" for that. And my parents and siblings had to figure out how to deal with this too - just like me. They've let me down by creating this system that repeatedly devalues me in order to manage her. It was not done intentionally, it was done to manage the chaos. And it worked for a while. Then I got some distance, addressed the trauma of this system, got healthier mentally, and am dealing with the hurt. None of them have - and they can't understand my boundaries now. If I can remember that instead of thinking in terms of who deserves what, I'm so much better off. And I'm getting better at maintaining this perspective - but I still have a long ways to go. I think understanding how the Karpman's Triangle and other common BPD dynamics in family systems will help me maintain the healthier perspective - if I can recognize it, name it, and de-personalize the behavior, I think it would go a long way toward that. I'm just not good at it - I know them conceptually, but I just don't have enough knowledge about how these dynamics play out to really benefit from applying them to my own situation. I hope that makes sense,

[Intotheforest]

I know that part of the Karpman triangle is person A is mad/ feels victimized at person B , but tells person C.  The expectation is that person C will talk to person B on person A's behalf.  Person A then goes on with life, leaving the other 2 resentful, confused , etc.  Yep, that does sound like the communication pattern at play here and unfortunately it is very common. I'm still learning on how to sidestep this in my own family  and it is hard.  My undiagnosed bpd father wants me to be his mouthpiece to my brother ( also undiagnosed bpd) and others. My father accused me of changing .  Just mess. Bpds do not like boundaries.   However, we need them in order to live.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is really hard. And there is definitely that dynamic in my family - my uBPD sister speaks to some members of the family and expects that I will hear from them what is going on. She does the same thing about trying to know more about me. Never talking directly - always relying on one specific sibling to convey info to me about her and to her about me. I did participate in it for a long time - it helped me feel closer to my other sibling - but when I realized what this was and the damage it was doing, I stopped entirely. That has meant my other sibling and I are not as close - we have less to talk about, I guess. That has been hard. My uBPD sister has accused me of saying terrible things about her that I never said, she has accused me of telling her she's not welcome when I see my parents, which I never did, and she has accused me of not coming to her family's aid in a difficult situation they experienced, which I did and she ignored.  All of these narratives - and so many more - have been created to (a) make her look like a victim that overcomes great struggle (b) justify her terrible treatment of me and my family. When she is called out on this in anyway, she twists it all around and claims I am the one who is being hurtful. My parents treat me as if I am letting her down and not supportive of her - which really hurts as I have historically been THE major source of support for her growing up. Her advocate, protector, all of it. And now that I've gotten some distance, recognized the position I've been put in, and as I've watched her condition worsen through the years - and impact her own family, I've established strict boundaries with her. She didn't like that, so she manufactured a crisis and tried to force my hand to support her. When I didn't she flipped out and made all kinds of outlandish claims/accusations. My family did not step into support me, and they also did not step in to "condemn" me. I guess in that way I am fortunate.

It's weird, she has a family and a job, so she's not unable to function. Some people really like her and I think she does a lot of good in some people's lives - this has made it harder for me to recognize the behavior for what it is and to not personalize it. For a long time I figured it had to be me because she has a relatively stable life overall - I mean, there is definitely chaos, but she has a stable marriage, family, and job. She has some good relationships, or so it appears. However, what I have realized is that my sister's whole life is a pattern of her being "victimized", everyone rushing to defend her, she "rises up" and triumphs over the wrong-doer. She also has a pattern of cutting anyone out of her life that disagrees with or challenges her. In any way. Her husband never challenges her. Hence her issue with me - she says things that just don't add up/make sense. The info she gives is limited and often contradictory or nonsensical - but she's not really informing any of us, she's building her preferred narrative - her as victim-turned-hero. She has walked away from or lost innumerable relationships and jobs and careers. From the time she was young until now - but these patterns are having bigger and bigger consequences in her life. She's had arch enemies everywhere she's been - every employer, school, etc. These are people that she invariably is victimized by and then later defeats. And this pattern has carried over into her kids' lives. She takes their struggles and, though I believe she starts out trying to support them, she inevitably turns it into a story about her - one that supports the victim to hero narrative. Its so hard to watch. And it's been so hard to make sense of - but that's why I am so grateful for this group!

[Notwendy]

In addition to Karpman triangle, there is family systems. Families with a disordred person tend to attempt to reach a certain "balance" in the family. Other family members may not have a disorder themselves but take on certain behaviors within the family to keep the family in "balance". When one member steps out of line- it creates discomfort in the family. The members respond to get "back in balance".

The first response is to get the "wayward" family member back in line. Back into their role. If that doesn't work, the family may then reject the non cooperative family member and then reconfigure themselves into a new balance.

In my own FOO, the focus was my BPD mother. Yes, her perspective was in victim mode, my father was rescuer. The rest of us had to comply with her as her co-rescuer, co-enablers, or they'd be angry at us. Another unspoken rule was to keep her behaviors secret, not tell anyone, and maintain that she was completely normal.

As an adult, and in my father's later years, I began to have boundaries with BPD mother. I assumed my father would understand. It was obvious her behavior was not appopriate. But, he got angry at me.

What I didn't expect was that this dynamic extended to her family too. They became aware of her behavior much later and they maintain that until then, they had no idea. Did they? I don't know.

After Dad passed and my BPD mother and her family had distanced themselves from me, I also decided that these relationships are going to be on a cordial level but I didn't think I could trust any of them fully again. I became more involved when my mother was in her elder years. They also reached out to me and as they realized BPD mother had been verbally and emotionally abusive. They were very helpful during this time but still, I have a bit of doubt.

So yes, I think there's grief involved when we see our family system is "different". For some members, it may not even be one they realize if it's been this way for them for generations. When people grow up in a family- it's the only "normal" they know. We can be the ones who change the cycle with our own behaviors in our circle. You are doing that by protecting your family.