Moving on...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been a LONG time since I've posted.  I decided to break up with my pwBPD last August.  This came after some arguments she had had with some of my friends.  I knew the dysfunction was finally spilling into other areas of my life and I decided this was enough.  Since then she's tried in different ways to re-engage.  She even admitted to me last November that she still loved me and wanted to know if we could try to "restart" our relationship.  I gently said that I didn't have those feelings for her anymore at which point she started talking about how damaging I had been to the relationship.  After a dog visitation that went awry and a blow up on her part, I had barely heard from her since this past December.  I did get a text from her around mid January when she shared a photo of some clouds that had some meaning to our relationship.  I only replied, "thanks for sharing."  My birthday came around recently and she texted happy birthday.  The following day she called.  At the time I was with my new partner and decided to not interact with the voicemail message she left until I was alone because I wanted to focus my attention on her.  When I did listen I found that she wanted to re-engage again.  Prior to the blow up in December she had wanted me to talk to her son about what had happened with the breakup.  She said that he had been struggling with this.  I had offered at different times to talk to him but when I did she'd change the circumstances under which I could talk to him.  After the blow up I figured I wouldn't need to do this anymore.  Anyway, in the voicemail message she said that it was a "bummer that things ended in an ugly way" last December, failing to admit that she was the one that created the ugliness.  She went on to talk about how we had some really wonderful times together.  Then she said she'd try to call back some other time.  It was at this point I decided to block her number from my phone.  The tone of the voicemail and the content just reaffirmed that she hadn't changed at all.  I've realized that any engagement with her at all will only lead to me experiencing more abuse.

I talked this over with a couple of close friends and decided to write her a letter to say that I wouldn't be available to talk anymore and that I'm moving on with my life.  I also included a letter for her son talking about what I felt lead to the end of the relationship, how it didn't have anything to do with him, and how I'll think fondly of some of the times we had together.  I've recently moved and am not providing my new address.  She's got my cell number and email but that's really about it.

I have a feeling that even after I send this letter she'll try to find some way of contacting me.  I've learned over the years that she does not take "no" for an answer.  My worst fears are that she'll try to show up some places she knows I frequent but I think the chances of that are very slim.

I held out some hope that we could at least have a somewhat amicable relationship.  The occasional text conversation or something like that.  But after our interactions late last year and this past phone call I don't think it's possible.  It makes me extremely sad but in a way relieved.

Aside from this, I have a new job, new home, and new relationship.  My life is 180 degrees from where it was a year ago.  I'm finally excited about my future again.  I'm hoping that this letter can help close those long chapters of my life.  I also hope that my ex partner can find a way to move on.

Thank you very much BPD Family!  You've been here for nearly the entire arc of this experience.  The folks on this forum have provided deeply appreciated guidance and shared experiences that have given me prospective on my situation.  I think that it will still take me some time to recover from this experience.  I have generalized anxiety and am slowly establishing a new baseline.  Working to piece my life back together...

[usagi]

It's been a LONG time since I've posted.  I decided to break up with my pwBPD last August.  This came after some arguments she had had with some of my friends.  I knew the dysfunction was finally spilling into other areas of my life and I decided this was enough.  Since then she's tried in different ways to re-engage.  She even admitted to me last November that she still loved me and wanted to know if we could try to "restart" our relationship.  I gently said that I didn't have those feelings for her anymore at which point she started talking about how damaging I had been to the relationship.  After a dog visitation that went awry and a blow up on her part, I had barely heard from her since this past December.  I did get a text from her around mid January when she shared a photo of some clouds that had some meaning to our relationship.  I only replied, "thanks for sharing."  My birthday came around recently and she texted happy birthday.  The following day she called.  At the time I was with my new partner and decided to not interact with the voicemail message she left until I was alone because I wanted to focus my attention on her.  When I did listen I found that she wanted to re-engage again.  Prior to the blow up in December she had wanted me to talk to her son about what had happened with the breakup.  She said that he had been struggling with this.  I had offered at different times to talk to him but when I did she'd change the circumstances under which I could talk to him.  After the blow up I figured I wouldn't need to do this anymore.  Anyway, in the voicemail message she said that it was a "bummer that things ended in an ugly way" last December, failing to admit that she was the one that created the ugliness.  She went on to talk about how we had some really wonderful times together.  Then she said she'd try to call back some other time.  It was at this point I decided to block her number from my phone.  The tone of the voicemail and the content just reaffirmed that she hadn't changed at all.  I've realized that any engagement with her at all will only lead to me experiencing more abuse.

I talked this over with a couple of close friends and decided to write her a letter to say that I wouldn't be available to talk anymore and that I'm moving on with my life.  I also included a letter for her son talking about what I felt lead to the end of the relationship, how it didn't have anything to do with him, and how I'll think fondly of some of the times we had together.  I've recently moved and am not providing my new address.  She's got my cell number and email but that's really about it.

I have a feeling that even after I send this letter she'll try to find some way of contacting me.  I've learned over the years that she does not take "no" for an answer.  My worst fears are that she'll try to show up some places she knows I frequent but I think the chances of that are very slim.

I held out some hope that we could at least have a somewhat amicable relationship.  The occasional text conversation or something like that.  But after our interactions late last year and this past phone call I don't think it's possible.  It makes me extremely sad but in a way relieved.

Aside from this, I have a new job, new home, and new relationship.  My life is 180 degrees from where it was a year ago.  I'm finally excited about my future again.  I'm hoping that this letter can help close those long chapters of my life.  I also hope that my ex partner can find a way to move on.

Thank you very much BPD Family!  You've been here for nearly the entire arc of this experience.  The folks on this forum have provided deeply appreciated guidance and shared experiences that have given me prospective on my situation.  I think that it will still take me some time to recover from this experience.  I have generalized anxiety and am slowly establishing a new baseline.  Working to piece my life back together...

[kells76]

Hey usagi, thanks for stopping by to update us. Always nice to hear how folks are doing after a while

Sounds like a long breakup process... August to May is a significant stretch of time to wind things down, have things flare up again, make contact, de-engage... just a lot, emotionally.

I held out some hope that we could at least have a somewhat amicable relationship.  The occasional text conversation or something like that.  But after our interactions late last year and this past phone call I don't think it's possible.  It makes me extremely sad but in a way relieved.

I can picture that. I wonder if the long breakup process was kind of like trying to grieve a death, but the person was still alive. And maybe this realization is giving you some closure, some way to have finality and get out of the grey zone.

Aside from this, I have a new job, new home, and new relationship.  My life is 180 degrees from where it was a year ago.  I'm finally excited about my future again.  I'm hoping that this letter can help close those long chapters of my life.  I also hope that my ex partner can find a way to move on.

Did you ever picture that this life for yourself could be possible?

Are you still participating in your hobby, and is that part of your excitement about the future?

And I get it about hoping your ex can move on. Despite everything my H's kids' mom has done, I can genuinely say, no strings attached, that I hope she can heal... that I want good for her.

Thank you very much BPD Family!  You've been here for nearly the entire arc of this experience.  The folks on this forum have provided deeply appreciated guidance and shared experiences that have given me prospective on my situation.  I think that it will still take me some time to recover from this experience.  I have generalized anxiety and am slowly establishing a new baseline.  Working to piece my life back together...

It makes sense, given the length and intensity of your past relationship, that it will take time to recover, heal, and change some mental wiring that got programmed during those times.

Is your new partner aware of what you're coming out of?

Are you still seeing your therapist?

...

Really glad to hear the hope in your post. Having things to look forward to in life, having a sense that better times are ahead, that you're in the driver's seat of your life... priceless.

Please don't hesitate to update us more -- we always love to hear how things are going for members.

[PeteWitsend]

When I divorced I thought about writing a letter too, to "set the record straight" and explain why I did what I did to give her closure.

I received the same advice from a couple different people, and perhaps even on this board: draft a letter, then put it away and come back to it later, and if you still want to send it, do so.

ultimately I never sent it.  In my case, I thought through my motivations for sending it and considered her reaction.

My motivation was a sense of obligation... she had been my wife after all, and I felt like I owed her this much at least.  But then I considered: she KNEW what she did. And if she really didn't, if she was that disordered that she couldn't understand that how she had treated me over the 6 1/2 years total we knew eachother was wrong and unfair, then no letter was going to change that.

I figured the letter would only have one of two outcomes: 1) more spurious denials and arguments from her, claiming the things I claimed in my letter never happened; or 2) disingenuous apologies from her and false promises to change the things I said in the letter, if I just came back.

But we had nearly gotten divorced a year before that, and I had heard it all too many times.  So I never sent the letter. 

[usagi]

Hi Kells!!

Thanks for the reply...

Did you ever picture that this life for yourself could be possible?

I really didn't.  And to be honest there are times when I still feel like I somehow don't deserve it.  Still working on those feelings =).  I think that is part of being a caretaker.

Are you still participating in your hobby, and is that part of your excitement about the future?

I am definitely still participating in my hobby.  It was something that helped me through my divorce many years ago and it still is a source of strength for me now.  And yes I feel like I don't have to choose between that and my relationship anymore.

Is your new partner aware of what you're coming out of?

Yes she does.  In fact we tried the 36 questions to fall in love, https://www.rd.com/list/arthur-aron-36-questions/, to get to know each other better.  The questions get progressively more intimate.  One of the questions lead me to explain a lot of the gory details of the past nearly five years.  She's been incredibly supportive.

Are you still seeing your therapist?

Yup!  I am still with my therapist though I've reduced the frequency of the sessions.  She's helping me to work toward figuring out what I want to do with my life moving forward.

Thank you again for all of the support and best wishes!

[usagi]

When I divorced I thought about writing a letter too, to "set the record straight" and explain why I did what I did to give her closure.

I received the same advice from a couple different people, and perhaps even on this board: draft a letter, then put it away and come back to it later, and if you still want to send it, do so.

ultimately I never sent it.  In my case, I thought through my motivations for sending it and considered her reaction.

Thanks for sharing Pete.  I think I share a lot of those feelings.  I have felt a sense of obligation to her even though I've gone way beyond in caring for her when we were together.  I've also been doing a lot of journaling to help get my thoughts on paper.  I think that sort of serves the same purpose as writing the draft letter.

I decided to send the letter for my sake.  To really tell myself that it was OK to move on.  In the letter I didn't get into how she made me feel or how she contributed to the end of the relationship.  Like you said, she knows all of that.  I focused on my feelings that the relationship would continue to be dysfunctional, and I wasn't OK with that.  I also just wanted to tell her son in my own words how I felt and that he had nothing to do with the breakup.  That message to him was mostly what I felt some obligation to fulfill.

I suspect she probably didn't react well to the letter but I can't control that.  That's sort of the whole point.  I'm not responsible for her emotions.

Thank you

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for sharing Pete.  I think I share a lot of those feelings.  I have felt a sense of obligation to her even though I've gone way beyond in caring for her when we were together.  I've also been doing a lot of journaling to help get my thoughts on paper.  I think that sort of serves the same purpose as writing the draft letter.

I decided to send the letter for my sake.  To really tell myself that it was OK to move on.  In the letter I didn't get into how she made me feel or how she contributed to the end of the relationship.  Like you said, she knows all of that.  I focused on my feelings that the relationship would continue to be dysfunctional, and I wasn't OK with that.  I also just wanted to tell her son in my own words how I felt and that he had nothing to do with the breakup.  That message to him was mostly what I felt some obligation to fulfill.

I suspect she probably didn't react well to the letter but I can't control that.  That's sort of the whole point.  I'm not responsible for her emotions.

Thank you

That shows growth my friend. The letter was for you just like forgiveness and closure are for you. Focus on what is in your control and let the rest fall where the chips may fall.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-