GrayJay
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: High conflict marriage
Posts: 11
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« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2025, 10:18:38 PM » |
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I am replying not because I have good answers for you, but so you’ll know you’re not alone. Many people on this bulletin board are facing the same issues. But I feel very much like you in that my relationship is not a few months or a few years, but 33 years – almost as long as yours. It is really, really tough to have so much time, love, and energy invested in a relationship, only to watch it falling apart. The first 25 years or so of my marriage were for the most part quite good. I felt happily married and very lucky. My wife had the occasional emotional outburst, which was surprising, considering the circumstances didn’t seem to warrant it, but since retirement, being empty-nesters and together full-time over the last eight or nine years, it has slowly and steadily deteriorated. My two adult children have privately suggested to me that I ought to consider divorce. I have worked with several therapists over the past four or five years, and after more than 40 sessions, the one I’m with now has stated that he thinks our marriage has a little chance of surviving. If she goes into therapy, which she is in no hurry to do, he gives us about a 25% chance. I have tried so very hard – read several books about BPD, worked with the ideas on this site, and discussed with several friends, but nothing seems to work. Most helpful to me so far is to avoid escalation by not JADEing, to really work on my validation skills, listening skills, and empathy, and to try to step away from harmful dysregulated outbursts from her (not always successful in any of these). I think a lot of her issues stem from an abusive alcoholic childhood where she was physically and verbally abused, and she considers herself the scapegoat of the family. As she has gotten older, she has felt very insecure and has cut off relationships with numerous former friends and even some family. It seems like I’m the last domino to fall. I think I bend over backwards to try to accommodate her and make her feel secure in the relationship, but if I so much as glance at a woman, she thinks I’m flirting. That’s just one of many examples. It seems that she’s angry and dysregulated with me about 2 to 3 days out of the week now, which is a steady and a substantial increase over what it was a few years ago. It’s a miserable way to live.Without going into more detail, I’ve tried so very, very hard and I don’t know if we can turn things around. She’s constantly talking about how I’m an energy vampire, feels much better when I’m not around, and that I have drained her of her joy. Stuff like that. And the idea of living alone at age 68 sounds pretty awful to me. So I know that I’m not helping you, but understand that you are not alone.
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