Married almost 4 decades - is this the end?

[Gomerland1]

My therapist, based on our conversations, just recently suggested my wife suffers from BPD. I have since started reading up as much as I can to learn more about the common behaviors exhibited by those with BPD. My wife matches the textbook definitions almost exactly. So now that I know this, I am contemplating what happens next. I've been living through these behaviors for almost 38 years. I really dislike conflict and usually run away from it or clam up. My wife has a very high conflict personality. Since I'm new to this group I would like to hear from those of you who have more background experience with BPD. What do you recommend?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very happy you found us and hope that we can help you process what's going on.

To answer your title "is this the end?", it doesn't have to be if that's not what you want.  Learning about BPD feels like a massive challenge at first and so much of what we're supposed to do in the moment is counter-intuitive.  This site will give you practical tools to work through these difficult moments and hopefully bring some peace into your home.

A few questions- what have you read so far about BPD?  Any books yet?  Be careful on random internet sites since a lot of them are counter-productive...they're just there for people to vent and assign blame.

Also, what are some of the biggest challenges you're currently facing with your wife?  Could you talk that out a little bit so we can provide more direct advice?

[GrayJay]

I am replying not because I have good answers for you, but so you’ll know you’re not alone. Many people on this bulletin board are facing the same issues. But I feel very much like you in that my relationship is not a few months or a few years, but 33 years – almost as long as yours. It is really, really tough to have so much time, love, and energy invested in a relationship, only to watch it falling apart. The first 25 years or so of my marriage were for the most part quite good. I felt happily married and very lucky. My wife had the occasional emotional outburst, which was surprising, considering the circumstances didn’t seem to warrant it, but since retirement, being empty-nesters and together full-time over the last eight or nine years, it has slowly and steadily deteriorated. My two adult children have privately suggested to me that I ought to consider divorce. I have worked with several therapists over the past four or five years, and after more than 40 sessions, the one I’m with now has stated that he thinks our marriage has a little chance of surviving. If she goes into therapy, which she is in no hurry to do, he gives us about a 25% chance. I have tried so very hard – read several books about BPD, worked with the ideas on this site, and discussed with several friends, but nothing seems to work. Most helpful to me so far is to avoid escalation by not JADEing, to really work on my validation skills, listening skills, and empathy, and to try to step away from harmful dysregulated outbursts from her (not always successful in any of these). I think a lot of her issues stem from an abusive alcoholic childhood where she was physically and verbally abused, and she considers herself the scapegoat of the family. As she has gotten older, she has felt very insecure and has cut off relationships with numerous former friends and even some family. It seems like I’m the last domino to fall. I think I bend over backwards to try to accommodate her and make her feel secure in the relationship, but if I so much as glance at a woman, she thinks I’m flirting. That’s just one of many examples. It seems that she’s angry and dysregulated with me about 2 to 3 days out of the week now, which is a steady and a substantial increase over what it was a few years ago. It’s a miserable way to live.Without going into more detail, I’ve tried so very, very hard and I don’t know if we can turn things around. She’s constantly talking about how I’m an energy vampire, feels much better when I’m not around, and that I have drained her of her joy. Stuff like that. And the idea of living alone at age 68 sounds pretty awful to me.
So I know that I’m not helping you, but understand that you are not alone.