Still Love Her, But She Moved On Fast - Any hope long term

[BeachTree]

Hi all,

I was in a long term relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD (untreated until the end). It was intense and deeply loving, we had some incredible times. She was my best friend, but also the person who hurt me the most.

The relationship was a rollercoaster with highs & lows, also steady periods. The lows were emotional chaos: a few suicide threats & self-harm, emotional coercion, and extreme pressure around marriage and kids. I often froze, appeased, or held back. Eventually, I ended things, even though I still loved her. I couldn't move forward in those conditions.

Two weeks later, she moved on and quickly escalated a new relationship, into our home, our bed. I felt destroyed. But part of me still misses her and wonders: is there ever a healthy path back from something like this?

Has anyone gone back after this kind of event? Did it work?

And what about the long term? She believes a solid commitment (marriage/kids) would fix everything, that not having it was the root of her distress. But I’m hesitant. That pressure was a big part of what broke me. Still, I wonder: could commitment actually stabilize things long-term? Or is that wishful thinking?

I'd really appreciate any insight or shared experience.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  So many of us have had this same story, yet it's still kind of eerie to hear someone else say something that I could have wrote about my relationship.

For your main question- is there a healthy path back?  There absolutely is if both of you choose that route.  Part of that is outside your control though and it would take work from both of you.

For your other question- could it work?  I hate to answer a question with a question, but BPD relationships ultimately come down to communication styles and validation.  A lot will come down to your ability to grow and understand what she's going through.  How much have you read about BPD so far?  And how long were you guys together?

[HurtAndTired]

Hi BeachTree,

Here's a little perspective from my experience. I have been with my dBPDw for 13 years. She put the pressure on me to move in, buy a house together, get married, have kids, all way before I was ready. I ended up doing all of those things, hoping that each of them would be the "one thing" that finally made her happy, that made her see that I was in it for the long haul. Unfortunately, each of those things only escalated her. It was as if she thought that the more I was "locked in" the more she could get away with mistreating me. Here I am now with a S4 who is absolutely wonderful, a house I love, but in a marriage that is abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically. I now am figuring out how I can not only safely exit the marriage, but also how I can protect S4 from Mom's dysregulation and unpredictable behavior. It will not be easy or cheap. I am afraid for myself and for him.

You ended the relationship because your gut was telling you something was off. Listen to your gut, it will never lead you down the wrong path. I ignored the misgivings in my gut to my detriment. Most of us here did. Your mind and heart will lie to you, your gut never will. It is your subconscious brain telling you something your conscious mind can't or won't acknowledge. Police and soldiers learn to listen to their gut for survival. Why do you think your gut was giving you danger signals?

The one place that we differ is that your exSO got into treatment. How long has she been in treatment? From what my therapist tells me, it takes years of hard work in, preferably DBT, therapy for there to be the chance of a real recovery/remission of BPD. If your SO has very quickly moved on with another man, I would say that it is a clear indication that she is still operating in "impulse brain" and has a long way to go before she can say that therapy is working for her. If you are really interested in being with her for the long-term, you need to let the therapy do its work before she will be in a place to be the kind of person who won't set off your internal alarm system. If you are ok with waiting, and ok with the fact she may never get there, you need to play the long game. Let her know that you are there for her, but stop it at that. Don't push because it will only cause her to pull back.

Even if you were to jump back into the relationship right now, nothing has materially changed on her part...yet. Keep the door open and let her walk back through, when and if she has done the work to ensure that things will be different this time. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

HurtAndTired

[ForeverDad]

That she quickly, within weeks, sought out another relationship is not a good sign.  Though that is often reported here by others.

It is often reported that some people with BPD traits are prone to jump out of and then into the next relationship too quickly.  Rebound relationships typically fail.  A person should give himself or herself time to recover and regain balance.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

We here in peer support, admittedly remote, recommend seeking a counselor or therapist to objectively delve into the whys and wherefores of the relationship and especially each person's issues.  As already mentioned, if she is to reach a measure of recovery, therapy would likely take a long time, even years, to find assurance of real progress.  And you can't do it for her.

Still, I wonder: could commitment actually stabilize things long-term? Or is that wishful thinking?

WYSIWYG - What you see is what you get.

Likely what she means by commitment is not the same as what you consider commitment.  When BPD traits are involved, the relationship often become volatile and imbalanced.  You may see it as commitment, but she may see it as you becoming obligated.  Marriage - and especially having kids - would be huge factors binding you two together.

BPD F.O.G. ... Fear, Obligation, Guilt