Still Love Her, But She Moved On Fast - Any hope long term

[ForeverDad]

I honestly believe, that in your case and in mine, our partners just use us to fill their needs - without realizing, that we can‘t fill their emptiness and their black hole inside. Marriage will not, a child will not, a garden will not… It will never be enough as long as they don‘t look in their inside - and we have to do the same! Because Trauma-bonding is almost like an addiction…

Speaking of black holes, these analogies might be helpful to illustrate the objective realities we face.

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole
There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

[BeachTree]

Hi BeachTree,

I‘m a Newbie in posting here ( not in reading… I‘m reading here for years now ).

I read through your story and so many things are extremely similiar…

My partner ( diagnosed with bpd and npd ) had the same issues about a baby and marriage. He tried to force me into that with really bad emotional extortion. „If you would be a loving and caring partner you would have a baby with me…“

There were many „if“‘s in his life: „If I had a baby, everything would be fine.“ „If you would marry me, everything would be fine.“ „If I had a garden for my plants, everything would be fine.“ „If I got the position in that company, everything would be fine.“

He broke up with me about 20 times! in three years and always came back.
This time I broke up, because I felt very painful betrayed by him and my best friend. Not in a sexual way, but emotionally.

I often felt similar like you do, when he broke up again: Maybe, if I would have been more validating… more supportive…

In the end I can tell you: I read endless numbers of books, I listened to any video I could find about bpd an npd and boundaries and validation and violence-free-communication: Whatever I tried, it was never enough. He always found, I was not loving and caring enough.

Now, my last words to him were, that I have to protect myself and contact is only possible if he goes back to intensive therapy. He refuses.

I also read a lot about Trauma-bonding. I‘m still struggling to be consequent with my last words. But I honestly belief, that in your case and in mine, our partners just use us to fill their needs - without realizing, that we can‘t fill their emptiness and their black hole inside. Marriage will not, a child will not, a garden will not… It will never be enough as long as they don‘t look in their inside - and we have to do the same! Because Trauma-bonding is almost like an addiction…

Hi Hiiumaa,

Thanks for your response!

Wow, that does sound so similar. I read so many books, had so many psychologist sessions. She would constantly threaten to break up (but in our case she could never do it, it was an empty threat).

I was trauma bonded. I felt so desperate (even pathetically so), so obsessed to get back, even though I broke up with her & my mind logically knew it was wrong. I was barely functioning for a long time. Then recently I just hit a point where I stopped trying to understand or fix it. I started sleeping a little better, doing more things, and really came out of it very quickly. I still feel pulled in, but it's maybe 5% of the strength it was.
I still love her too, & part of me strongly hopes we could work. I just don't know if thinks could be different, or if I could do it with self-respect.

Yes, when she didn't have me, she had to use others to fill that need. She doesn't realise how bad she is, she blames a lot on me for not moving forward in the relationship still. And she thinks that she is in remission now.

Also something that is interesting, she pushed so hard for a baby (even repeatedly threatening to have a baby on her own without me). But now she tells me that she's not with me, she has no drive to have a baby anymore..

[BeachTree]

Speaking of black holes, these analogies might be helpful to illustrate the objective realities we face.

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole
There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Hi ForeverDad,
I like the first one, the bridge. That is a good analogy.

It is like they make you feel their life is dependant on you. Almost like a child. And you would never consider leaving your child on the side of the road.

[BeachTree]

Hi BeachTree,

I‘m a Newbie in posting here ( not in reading… I‘m reading here for years now ).

I read through your story and so many things are extremely similiar…

My partner ( diagnosed with bpd and npd ) had the same issues about a baby and marriage. He tried to force me into that with really bad emotional extortion. „If you would be a loving and caring partner you would have a baby with me…“

There were many „if“‘s in his life: „If I had a baby, everything would be fine.“ „If you would marry me, everything would be fine.“ „If I had a garden for my plants, everything would be fine.“ „If I got the position in that company, everything would be fine.“

He broke up with me about 20 times! in three years and always came back.
This time I broke up, because I felt very painful betrayed by him and my best friend. Not in a sexual way, but emotionally.

I often felt similar like you do, when he broke up again: Maybe, if I would have been more validating… more supportive…

In the end I can tell you: I read endless numbers of books, I listened to any video I could find about bpd an npd and boundaries and validation and violence-free-communication: Whatever I tried, it was never enough. He always found, I was not loving and caring enough.

Now, my last words to him were, that I have to protect myself and contact is only possible if he goes back to intensive therapy. He refuses.

I also read a lot about Trauma-bonding. I‘m still struggling to be consequent with my last words. But I honestly belief, that in your case and in mine, our partners just use us to fill their needs - without realizing, that we can‘t fill their emptiness and their black hole inside. Marriage will not, a child will not, a garden will not… It will never be enough as long as they don‘t look in their inside - and we have to do the same! Because Trauma-bonding is almost like an addiction…

Hi Hiiumaa,

Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps to hear similar situations. How are you going now?

[hiiumaa]

Hi BeachTree,

it sounds quite good that you feel better. How long ago is the break up now? Is this feeling stable or does it change sometimes and you miss her?

For me it was hard the last days, because yesterday we would have had our 3-years-together... But I also feel, that there are days and moments where I start to feel better.

It`s like a "really understanding" now, that it just doesn`t make sense to try it again. Nothing has changed - and he is not ready to work on his behavior. And even IF ( haha - I start talking like he did... ) he would go back to therapy, it would need years of hard work on his side.

I understand so absolutly what you are saying about that obsession to go back to her, even when you were so one who broke up. I was really thinking about sending him a letter to our 3-years-day - telling him, how sad I am because one my side there was so much hope for this relationship... but I didn`t. It was damn hard!

It`s very interesting, that your ex told you, that she doesn`t want a baby anymore without you. Maybe she really tried to control you with that baby-and-marriage-thing in a way. And now she realized, that she has lost that control about you. I dont`t know... I`m just trying to understand.

[ForeverDad]

I understand so absolutely what you are saying about that obsession to go back to her, even when you were so one who broke up. I was really thinking about sending him a letter to our 3-years-day - telling him, how sad I am because one my side there was so much hope for this relationship... but I didn't. It was damn hard!

We reasonably normal people want so much to find closure.  Would sending a letter or note actually get past the other's perceptions of the relationship's baggage?  Some here did write, but then had a burning ceremony or something similar to Gift themselves Closure, knowing they wouldn't get it from the other.

[BeachTree]

Hi BeachTree,

it sounds quite good that you feel better. How long ago is the break up now? Is this feeling stable or does it change sometimes and you miss her?

For me it was hard the last days, because yesterday we would have had our 3-years-together... But I also feel, that there are days and moments where I start to feel better.

It`s like a "really understanding" now, that it just doesn`t make sense to try it again. Nothing has changed - and he is not ready to work on his behavior. And even IF ( haha - I start talking like he did... ) he would go back to therapy, it would need years of hard work on his side.

I understand so absolutly what you are saying about that obsession to go back to her, even when you were so one who broke up. I was really thinking about sending him a letter to our 3-years-day - telling him, how sad I am because one my side there was so much hope for this relationship... but I didn`t. It was damn hard!

It`s very interesting, that your ex told you, that she doesn`t want a baby anymore without you. Maybe she really tried to control you with that baby-and-marriage-thing in a way. And now she realized, that she has lost that control about you. I dont`t know... I`m just trying to understand.

Hi Hiiuma,
It was about 5 months ago we broke up. I was very unstable. Swinging between the most extreme anger I've every felt in my life and the most extreme longing & desperation to go back I'd ever felt in my life.
I do feel so much better. But like anything in life, it's not completely stable. I do still miss her and that does get stronger and weaker based on the day.
I feel my worst a few days after she reaches out. But I find I'm able to handle that so much more over time too.

It`s very interesting, that your ex told you, that she doesn`t want a baby anymore without you. Maybe she really tried to control you with that baby-and-marriage-thing in a way. And now she realized, that she has lost that control about you. I dont`t know... I`m just trying to understand.

I don't think she realises this consciously, but I think what you are saying is very likely correct.

[hiiumaa]

Hi BeachTree,

I fully understand. I feel almost the same. It‘s five month for you and you still feel like that.

How often have you been in contact with her since the break up? Does she still reach out?

[BeachTree]

Hi BeachTree,

I fully understand. I feel almost the same. It‘s five month for you and you still feel like that.

How often have you been in contact with her since the break up? Does she still reach out?

I don't feel anything like I did before. I'm not swinging between extreme rage and longing. I think now I'm just living my life, but still have in the back of my head if I could have (or could still) make it work well. She does have so many amazing qualities that I was lucky to have. She wasn't evil and I played a part in the dynamic too. I can see now ways I made things worse.
I was in way over my head in the relationship. It wore me down. I didn't even know what bpd was until she was diagnosed towards the end of our relationship.

I don't think she has gone more than 2 weeks without reaching out. Sometimes several times a week.