Should I try again?

[Goodpal]

Hi all,

I'm a frequent poster that is having a very difficult time w/ my current break-up. We have been on and off for 5 years. Currently we are off.
What happens in this relationship is that I see many unhealthy behaviors related to BPD - substance abuse, emotional dysregulation, misinterpreting things as criticism (just like my ex-wife did), and my logical brain takes over and I break things off. I go no contact but she does everything in her power to get my attention. I eventually give in to the emotional pressure and take her back.
When we are together the chemistry is intense, we are best friends and I spend virtually all of my free time w/ her. It gets to the point though where it's a bit too close and her constant need for connection make it difficult for me to think straight. It's like she's living in my head or something.
I understand now that a lot of what I liked about the relationship was the constant validation of my importance in this person's life. It's so hard to go from extreme contact to no contact.
Anyhow, I guess my question would be should I just let this go permanently or should I make an effort to try again if she continues to reach out and I can't resist the pressure? I'm starting to believe that some of us just have a natural proclivity for these types of relationships and no matter how much "work" we do we will continue to end up here. Is it best to accept your fate and not miss out on the good by allowing yourself to experience the bad? I'm almost 50 and I'm not going to be emotionally ready to date again for a long while if ever, especially w/ her popping in and out of my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hello Only you can answer this question for yourself. It sounds like you've thought about the pluses and minuses.

As to your other question, usually "caretakers" mesh well with pwBPD. Have you read the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? It helped me examine and change some unhealthy relationship patterns I had with my uBPD wife and others as well.

[Goodpal]

Thank you for that reply. I have not read that book. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells during a previous break-up though. I will definitely look into it.

The thing is though is that I have a lot of information and a solid logical understanding of all of this. I've even done a lot of inner-work and I am currently seeing a therapist. I just don't think I'll ever be at a place at this stage in life where I don't want to be w/ her unless she completely cuts me out of her life. Even then I can't imagine dating someone w/o some of these BPD like qualities.

The 3 major relationships I have been in have all been like this. Being broken up now allows me to reflect on all of this so I will continue to take the time to grow.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, which is par for the course in broken BPD relationships. 

It feels like you're confusing what BPD actually is though- it's an intense fear of abandonment that leads to disordered thinking.  People with BPD keep their inner circle very tight because they're so afraid of rejection, they don't want to put themselves out there and be vulnerable.  When they find someone they like, they sort of go all-in and it backfires on them because nobody can live up to the perfect standard the BPD creates in their mind.  So relationships begin to unravel and fall apart over time.

I was in a BPD marriage for 23 years and I felt the same way you do right now- I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But I did find love again and my current wife is incredible, always building me up and praising me to anyone who would listen.  It takes the stuff I loved about a BPD relationship but without the things I couldn't stand...so don't think that the mental illness aspect is what makes it amazing.

With that said, it's up to you to decide if you should return to the relationship or stay away.  Just know that these patterns will continue until you find a way to communicate in a different way.  So much of the bad stuff can be avoided by validating her feelings and showing compassion when the wheels start falling off the bus- that's what BPDs are ultimately looking for but unable to verbalize what they need.

I just turned 52 and I've been re-married for 11 months now.  Like you, I thought that it would be impossible to find someone at my age, to start over and go through all the newness of dating.  I was completely wrong and I haven't been this happy in a very long time.  So you have great options here no matter what you decide- just don't limit yourself by thinking there's only one way forward.

I hope that helps!

[Goodpal]

Thank you for the hopeful response. It's nice to hear that there is possibly light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just the one feeling the guilt of initiating the breakup. I just felt like I was taking on way more than I was ready to emotionally handle at this stage in life so I jumped ship.

[Pook075]

Thank you for the hopeful response. It's nice to hear that there is possibly light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just the one feeling the guilt of initiating the breakup. I just felt like I was taking on way more than I was ready to emotionally handle at this stage in life so I jumped ship.

That's completely understandable, and in time you'll forgive yourself once you realize a few very simple facts:

1)  This wasn't your fault.  The problem all along was mental illness and you weren't equipped to deal with it.

2)  This wasn't her fault either, she did the best she could while battling the inner demons that come along with BPD.

3)  She will get better when she's ready to take mental health seriously, and nobody can convince her to do that.

4)  If you swapped any of us into your story (instead of you), it likely would have the same outcome.  The "problem" is mental illness.

In other words, you did the best you could and still came up short...and that's okay.  Nobody is blaming you for that except maybe yourself.  Forgive her, and forgive yourself.  That's the only way to move past this and start anew.

[BeachTree]

When we are together the chemistry is intense, we are best friends

Sound familar!

Anyhow, I guess my question would be should I just let this go permanently or should I make an effort to try again if she continues to reach out and I can't resist the pressure? I'm starting to believe that some of us just have a natural proclivity for these types of relationships and no matter how much "work" we do we will continue to end up here. Is it best to accept your fate and not miss out on the good by allowing yourself to experience the bad? I'm almost 50 and I'm not going to be emotionally ready to date again for a long while if ever, especially w/ her popping in and out of my life.

It's up to you at the end of the day. I really struggled to stay or leave. I chose to leave recently, and it was so hard, I drawn back strongly. I really miss the good side of her, which was most of the time.
But I know if I had stayed, I also would have regretted it.

[once removed]

this sounds like a classic case of "too bad to stay, too good to leave".

the answer isnt necessarily in choosing to stay or go. its choosing; committing to a path.

or should I make an effort to try again if she continues to reach out and I can't resist the pressure? I'm starting to believe that some of us just have a natural proclivity for these types of relationships and no matter how much "work" we do we will continue to end up here. Is it best to accept your fate and not miss out on the good by allowing yourself to experience the bad? I'm almost 50 and I'm not going to be emotionally ready to date again for a long while if ever, especially w/ her popping in and out of my life.

what you should not do is remain passive as to whether this relationship returns to your life or not.

good mental health is about making the difficult, but necessary choices for our mental health. that is the work you have left undone.

staying or going - both of these will be hard work. youll either need to be all in on building a relationship that can break the cycle of break up/make up, and lead it on a trajectory that enriches both of your lives, or make the difficult determination that the relationship is broken, and grieve it.

in remaining passive, in a wait and see mentality that leaves the determination up to anyone but you, youre essentially deferring that work, and going along for the ride.

[Goodpal]

Thank you all for the responses. Something in me has kept me from re-entering the relationship but there is another part of me that is deeply attached. It's like I'm out of the relationship but still not. It would be very easy to eventually go back if I continue to feel this way.
I don't understand why I can't fully commit to my decision mentally. That is why I have not reached out. I told myself that the only way I would reach out to her is if I'm 100 percent willing to commit to the relationship come hell or high water.
I went no contact for about 1 month. A few texts here and there but I held my ground well. Then she hit me hard and pulled me out of hiding. It left me openly considering to give the relationship another shot but I stated I needed time to think about it. That triggered her and she told me to never speak to her again so I have been complying to her request.

[Goodpal]

I appreciate you all laying it for me this way. It's true, I did not feel equipped to handle the mental health issues and I saw it as something that would only worsen in time and make life very difficult.
The self-medicating w/ alcohol and weed was also very concerning. I tried to keep an open mind but it seemed like the substances were the main focus of everything. Personally, I'm an 80/20 person. 80 percent or more of the time you should be sober and then the 10 to 20 percent you can enjoy recreational use. It seemed she was alway self-soothing w/ substances and could not enjoy much of life w/o them.