My Journey

[lillysail]

I have known my untreated BPD-Ex since grade school.  We had our first date in 2015.  We were together until June of 2016.  In May of 2016 when my replacement came along, he strung me along until he had confirmation that she was on board.  Of course, I didn't know this was happening as he just up and left me.  I found out the details later on.

There were so many red flags throughout the relationship.  I ignored them as for one, I was a widow so being with my husband for 20 years I was rusty when it came to trusting someone in an intimate relationship.  Trust was automatic in my marriage, so my BPD-Ex automatically received my trust.

He came on hard and fast.  Within 30 days of being with him, I could literally feel the shift to the negative side.  He was already pulling away.  The outbursts over what I would consider small things in life.  The manipulation/mind games.  Sometimes I felt crazy.  Hiding me from friends and family.  The selfish acts, never taking my feelings into consideration.  He literally did what he wanted and didn't care if it upset or hurt me.  The black and white thinking.  He was never wrong.  Intimacy was zero the last 3 months of our relationship. 

Then he left me out of the blue 8 months ago.  He just flipped the switch and I was the one left picking up the pieces.  He immediately ran to another woman and then another one after that and so on. 

Last week, he starts mass texting me, saying all the right things and somehow convinced me to meet him.  We had a great time together but here it is a week later, and he has gone cold.  What I noticed during our visit was 1. He acted as if nothing bad happened between us.  Literally, as if we never broke up.  2. If I made reference to the split and how it hurt me, he immediately moved on to a different subject as he does not feel any empathy.  3. He did not remember key details of our time together.  4. I have never seen him want sex so badly from me. (What is that about?)

He always does the leaving in relationships.  If a girl leaves him, he is severely depressed and talks about suicide.  The twisted thing is, he will convince this girl to take him back, only to dump her a couple days later.  Then he can move on to the next girl.

In the past 8 months, I have not dated.  This was my first relationship after losing my husband.  Because of this relationship, I have severe trust issues with intimate relationships.

I did treat him very well, but I let my standards/boundaries slip when it came to him. I cannot save him, only he can do that.  I will not initiate contact with him.  I am living my life and have plans for this year which do not include him.  However, because I have a soft heart, I have not completely blocked him from my life, just in case, he would need something.  But then I ask myself, why do I care, he doesn't at least not in the same sense as me.

Right now, it is all new to me, so I am learning as I go.

[Larmoyant]

Hi lillysail, I’d like to welcome you to BPD Family   .  Sadly what you’ve described will be very familiar to all here and I'm sorry you went through all that, but you’ve found a great place to help you process it all.

.I have never seen him want sex so badly from me. (What is that about?).

.
This reminded me of my ex when I ended it. We’d met to talk about our issues, which he all but avoided, but he pushed me for sex and seemed desperate. I’ve often wondered why. My guess is he wanted to secure the attachment knowing that intimacy would likely win me over. Maybe that was similar for your ex or maybe it was a way of taking back control, or fill a sense of emptiness, or validate his sense of self worth. I think pwBPD use sex to stabilise their volatile emotions, boost their low self esteem and allay their fear of abandonment. It was an incredibly sad moment really because I needed comforting myself and it would have been so easy to go along with it only I couldn’t risk any more hurt. I’m glad I didn’t in the end, but it’s a sad memory.

.I did treat him very well, but I let my standards/boundaries slip when it came to him. I cannot save him, only he can do that.  I will not initiate contact with him.  I am living my life and have plans for this year which do not include him.  However, because I have a soft heart, I have not completely blocked him from my life, just in case, he would need something.  But then I ask myself, why do I care, he doesn't at least not in the same sense as me.

.
This sounds like you’re in a good, strong place. Keep it up. It’s true only he can fix himself. Keep focusing on you and living the life you want.

[joeramabeme]

Hi lilysail

Welcome to BPD Family and sorry to hear about what you are going through. As larmoyant pointed, many of us have gone through these circumstances.

What I noticed during our visit was 1. He acted as if nothing bad happened between us.  Literally, as if we never broke up.  2. If I made reference to the split and how it hurt me, he immediately moved on to a different subject as he does not feel any empathy.  3. He did not remember key details of our time together.  4. I have never seen him want sex so badly from me. (What is that about?)

Regarding points 1-3 (and perhaps 4); this is a form of emotional dysregulation where the feelings are so overwhelming and intense it is not possible to stay with them.  It seems to produce a sort of emotional-blackout resulting in rewriting actual stories into a fabrication that makes those difficult feelings palpable.  

Unfortunately for the pwBPD and us Non's, those originating feelings do not disappear, they are simply masked or ignored, and continue to resurface, ultimately leading to the demise or discard of our relationships.

The aftermath is painful and deeply confusing.  It does get better but takes time to get a clear sense of what happened.

Keep posting and reading.  Best, JRB