No reconciliation or stabilization in sight

[SoVeryConfused]

My 24-year-old child is still raging at me daily. Says she does not want a relationship. That would be a respite, frankly, if true. She immediately calls back to repeat it. When I stop answering, I'm "ignoring" her.

I've responded that I understand her anger over past things; I'm trying to do things differently. But since I'm not doing the things SHE wants, I'm selfish.

Ex #1: After being sworn at, I text that I care AND I'll talk to her again in a few days. She'll immediately rage call & text. When I don't pick up - I'm rotten and have not changed.

Ex #2: Says we never offer to see her and don't care. Huh??? We've asked to come every weekend! I've driven there and she wouldn't see me.
I try to validate - I see you feel that we don't care.
Her response - Knock it off - I don't "feel." It's true. You don't care. You are horrible.

Ex #3: She's furious we travel in winter. 
We validated - I'm sorry, we didn't know you would feel left alone.
Her response - ok, well, now you know, so you're not going, right?   
Her: I'm not doing well, and you just want to go on vacation (we work). You are horrible.

Ex #4: She calls to tell me she's blocking me. I say, I understand. If you change your mind, I'm here.
Immediately call & call & call to repeat it, and add that I'm selfish, etc.
I usually text and say - I hear you. We can talk tomorrow.
Response - more rage texts and swearing.

I share all this not to burden you, but to give you real-life examples. I suggested we could all try to make a fresh start and try to repair the relationship, but she said no. But then she'll say we don't try. If you can't JADE, what do you do in these calls?

I would welcome your experience.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

Ironically - that she is calling you daily- this is a relationship. If she really didn't want to have a relationship with you, she'd not call at all.

BPD affects the closest relationships the most. They act out most with people they feel safest with. It doesn't seem fair that the person the closest to her gets the worst of the behavior- but- that is you and her calling daily is her actually having a relationship with you.

It's hard to hear (and you don't have to endure verbal abuse) but the statements are on the level of a feeling dump. They aren't true- and so no reason to defend them. Try not to take them personally. It's not possible to reason with someone who is in the middle of this. It's an adult version of a toddler tantrum. The child wants a cookie for dinner, the parent says no, and the child has a tantrum, says things like "you are a poopy face". The parent response is to not give this more energy- and wait the tantrum out. Trying to reason with the child in the moment only escalates the situation.

The child still won't get the cookie. This is normal for a toddler who doesn't have emotional regulation skills and pwBPD may not have these either.

If she's still calling- that is a connection. It may not be the change you want to see in her but it is a relationship. You also have the right to have boundaries and not to be always available as someone to dump emotions on. You can also go on vacation and have your space. Your task is to hold on to the boundaries you have, even if she's making these statements. If something isn't true, you don't have to defend them. You can simply say "I understand you feel this way". If the conversation goes on too long- say "I love you honey but I need to go to an appointment, or there's someone at the door (or any excuse). Silence your phone and let her leave messages.

[SoVeryConfused]

Thank you, Wendy. I hear what you are saying. It is a relationship, I guess, but not a positive one.

Her view is that if I don't take every call, absorb her view of me, let her swear at me, and agree, there's going to be no relationship. If I don't support her (in some way that she won't define, but I'm supposed to guess), then I'm evil and she's done.

Today, again, I said, I hear how I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I don't show up the way you want all the time. I've been wishy washy and not always done what I promised, and I'm sorry. That's what she keeps saying, and there is some truth, so I apologized. Again.

And she says, well, it's too late. And then continues right on with how horrible I am. 

If she were a friend only, I would cut this off, but obviously, I love this kid and won't. But I don't recognize her or see how it's getting better with boundaries or validating emotions. Sorry - I'm just discouraged, I think.
 

[Notwendy]

Understandable. Each relationship is a function of both people and their abilities to have a relationship. I don't know if it's different with a child- as a parent feels responsible for a child- but when the child is an adult, the parent role as caregiver evolves. It's still a special relationship but it takes both adults to maintain. In my situation, it was a mother with BPD- but she would blame me for any issues between us.

I wish I could have "made the relationship better"- but she did have mental health and it didn't seem to help and eventually, I had to accept that the relationhship with us was a function of her ability to have a relationship too and her BPD limited this.

I did try to do nice things for her but for some reason- she'd find something wrong that I did, or didn't do, and the attempts felt like failures. Sometimes even a small thing could be felt as a major transgression to her.

I didn't have any intentions of hurting her and I know you didn't have intentions of hurting your daughter. I couldn't change how she might feel.

However, you also have the right to not be subjected to daily blame and verbal abuse and I had decided this as well. I had to have boundaries on this. It doesn't feel right, it feels unatural. A mother-daughter relationship should not require this. I wish it was different and perhaps she wished it was different too but with immediate family, her BPD behaviors were at their most, and they were verbally and emotionally abusive. I also didn't want to continue to enable her behaviors.

Ultimately, if we don't see where change is possible, we do the best with what we have. You don't have to allow her to be verbally abusive to you. You can have boundaries. Unfortunatly this choice also involves their possible reactions to the boundaries. This can be scary. These aren't choices anyone wishes to make but if it's impacting our own emotional well being-  we may have to. Maybe my mother thought I was a bad daughter for doing so, but enabling her to be an abusive person wasn't being good to her either.

Are we perfect parents- or children? No, but we all do the best we can in our own circumstances. You've apologized. Tried to do better. I think that's the best anyone can do. It's up to your D now to accept the apology or not.

[kells76]

Do you think she is in a prolonged dysregulation right now?

[SoVeryConfused]

Kells76,

I didn't have those words, but yes - she is in prolonged dysregulation with mostly me only.

She goes in and out of communication with my husband, her dad, and can have normal talks with him. But there's a cycle. If he won't do something she wants or says the wrong thing, she'll get angry, and she'll tell him no more relationship. She knows he has no patience for this, so she'll eventually come around, and they'll return to civil conversations for a while.

We have not had a normal "what are you up to" conversation since March.

Ex) She was making threats and was hysterical with me a few months ago. 50+ calls.
A few minutes later, her dad comes in after being gone, speaking to her on the phone (he didn't know the day's history). She was talking normally to him and even laughing. I COULD NOT believe this was the same person. I don't know if she hides it from him or ramps it up for me because I keep trying.

If I were describing a friendship, I would say the friend holds a grudge and won't soften. Every call is to tell me this, but the calls don't stop. I ask for reconciliation. She says - no, too late. But unlike a friend with whom you might wind down the friendship, she's my kid, and I know she's in pain, so I find myself wanting to stop talking to her, but also feeling pain for her pain.