Healing from growing up with an uBPD sister

[Intotheforest]

Traumatic family experiences with an uBPD sibling are the gift that keep on giving, I guess. In my case, my family of origin has not acknowledged her likely struggles with BPD- they've rationalized and accepted her behavior as normal.

I've found that the more you heal in this kind of situation, the weaker your ties are to your family of origin. It's just a natural outcome from your healing. BUT, the more free you are to develop healthy relationships beyond your FOO. I've realized something about myself. I really struggle with women who present in their personal and professional relationships as needing to be taken care of and/or protected. People who are situated within their relationships as "princesses" whose every need should be considered above everyone else's as well as people whom others seem to instinctively defend/bolster/lift up, even when they don't deserve this consideration. It's a pattern I've noticed and I think I understand why I have always reacted this way to this kind of woman: my uBPD sister.

My whole childhood was about making sure my uBPD sister was okay. She was always to be protected, defended, supported, put on a pedestal, treated with kit gloves. Whether she was right or wrong, whether what she said or did made sense or not, I watched as she said things that were wholly inconsistent with reality, did things that were logically questionable, offered extreme and skewed interpretations of events, developed arch enemies in every work context she had - resulting in flitting between jobs and careers, made grandiose and unbelievable claims about her own importance, destroyed many of her own relationships, attempted to pit others' against their own friends and loved ones - and their loved ones against them, showed a complete inability to understand or express emotion. I grew up watching those closest to us rationalize, justify, excuse, and ultimately, support and even elevate her perspective without question even as it absolutely needed to be questioned for her own good and for the good of those in her life. When people outside the family would challenge her, which was inevitable, she was held up as a victim in need of defense. And I, in particular, was expected to defend her. And I did.  All of this was normal to me.

Looking back, my friends all knew it was weird. I was fiercely supportive of her no matter her situation and/or her fault in her situation - even letting her move in with me and two of my closest friends when she couldn't get along with her roommate, despite their objections. And I got angry with them for not just understanding and accepting that this is what I had to do. I couldn't imagine not supporting her. I was raised to do it. No matter what. I don't honestly know how/why they were able to overlook that and maintain such close friendships with me. They saw her for who she was, and now, talking with them retroactively, I can see how their view was accurate. They now share with me how they watched me defend and support her despite the risk to myself and my own friendships and how hard that was for them. They stuck with me through it, though, always wary and clear with me about what they thought, but still supportive of me - and that is a major credit to them. I was lucky to have them.

But now that I see her for what/who she is more clearly and I've watched our "relationship", such that it was, crumble under the weight of my healing, I am recognizing in myself a lack of tolerance for anyone who seems to thrive in relationships where they are treated as if they can do no wrong and/or as if they require others to defend them. I simply don't trust it. And honestly, that's not fair. These people are good people who aren't anything like my sister. It's not surprising that I am repelled by these kinds of folks, but I recognize the need to separate them from my experiences with my sister. It's all part of my healing - realizing how these early family experiences shape how I relate to people now, and trying to adapt in ways that keep my trauma response in check to continue building healthy relationships moving forward.

Anyway, just some thoughts on my experiences as I reflect on healing from these experiences I've only acknowledged as traumatic in the last couple of years. Thankful to this group - your willingness to share your experiences have really helped me make sense of my own - an important part of my healing journey!

[zachira]

Traumatic family experiences with an uBPD sibling are the gift that keep on giving, I guess. In my case, my family of origin has not acknowledged her likely struggles with BPD- they've rationalized and accepted her behavior as normal.

I've found that the more you heal in this kind of situation, the weaker your ties are to your family of origin. It's just a natural outcome from your healing. BUT, the more free you are to develop healthy relationships beyond your FOO. I've realized something about myself. I really struggle with women who present in their personal and professional relationships as needing to be taken care of and/or protected. People who are situated within their relationships as "princesses" whose every need should be considered above everyone else's as well as people whom others seem to instinctively defend/bolster/lift up, even when they don't deserve this consideration. It's a pattern I've noticed and I think I understand why I have always reacted this way to this kind of woman: my uBPD sister.

My whole childhood was about making sure my uBPD sister was okay. She was always to be protected, defended, supported, put on a pedestal, treated with kit gloves. Whether she was right or wrong, whether what she said or did made sense or not, I watched as she said things that were wholly inconsistent with reality, did things that were logically questionable, offered extreme and skewed When people outside the family would challenge her, which was inevitable, she was held up as a victim in need of defense. And I, in particular, was expected to defend her. And I did.  All of this was normal to me.

I identify so much with what you have written here. My sister has NPD with strong BPD traits. My sister is a golden child of both the FOO and large extended family. I am one of many generations of scapegoats. Like you, the more I have distanced myself from my sister and the flying monkeys who enable her, the more estranged I have become from the family, and the more able I am to have healthier relationships with others.

[Intotheforest]

I identify so much with what you have written here. My sister has NPD with strong BPD traits. My sister is a golden child of both the FOO and large extended family. I am one of many generations of scapegoats. Like you, the more I have distanced myself from my sister and the flying monkeys who enable her, the more estranged I have become from the family, and the more able I am to have healthier relationships with others.

Thank you so much for your response and my apologies for the long delay in replying! This has been such a struggle. I was always the "strong" one who was able to do things the "right" way. She was always the one who needed "protection" and  who couldn't get along with others. She was always itching for a fight and had "enemies" everywhere she went. You'd think in that situation that I would be the golden child - but that's just not how it worked in my family. I still struggle to understand why. But, it was always my responsibility to make sure she was "okay" and everyone in the family took on a protective role. She is an expert at playing the victim. She moves expertly between helpless victim to ferocious advocate. It's been an incredibly painful process to separate from her and others in the family and to establish/maintain healthy boundaries. Initially, it felt like I was betraying my family and I admit, sometimes still does. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that she wasn't able to really hurt me, she was just a nuisance that I could shrug off. And for a long time, it felt like that was true.

But over the years, as she surrounded herself with people who enable her realized just how good she is at manipulating things. She is so good at looking at a situation, finding a kernel of truth, and building the whole narrative around that little seed of truth into a story that positions her always at the center (whether it is her story or not) and the story arch always begins with her as the victim of some horrible injustice and then as the triumphant moral hero. Early in life it was just minor things, and I would always challenge her when the narrative just didn't make sense or line up with the facts and with logic. She would always cut me out when that would happen. As we got older and had our own families, this tendency became more of a problem and had bigger consequences for others, including me. She has surrounded herself with folks that will not challenge her and/or who benefit from her "stretched" truths. She takes tragedies of loved ones and puts herself at the center of them - always as first a victim and then a hero.

I had already established strong boundaries with her and have had to stand firm in those despite painful responses from her and from my family. In the last year, she concocted a situation in which I had to enforce these boundaries publicly - it was incredibly painful and difficult. But I did it, and I don't think she expected me to stand firm. I'm glad I was able to do it and feel a relief that I'm through that - but there are still times I feel guilty, particularly when she weaves the victim-hero story so well.  

Anyway, thanks for your response, and sorry for both your experiences and for my delay in responding to you! Take care!