A break or leaving for good ... what do I want?

[SettingBorders]

Hey there,

I'm struggeling to leave my boyfriend. He's got BPD traits, in my opinion, and I cannot imagine to go on living like that. We've tried couples therapy, but with poor success. We currently moved into a bigger flat which is next door to our old flat, right across the hall. I've rented the old flat myself, in case we separate. But we live together in the new flat.

We have a daughter of 4 months. He loves her more than anything.

I cannot stay in that relationship. But leaving it scares me, too. I fear that I will think I made the wrong decision and want him back (disregarded if this was a wise decision). I fear his emotional breakdown or that he could even commit suicide. I fear he could demand to see his daughther more often that I would like to. I fear arguements on education and childcare at our daughter's expense.

The idea of taking a timeout from the relationship at first sounds plausible then. I mean a long timeout of several months. But would it really be a gain? Wouldn't it block my way to acceptance and healing? And wouldn't it contribute to an unhealty dynamic between us on the long run, because I would be the one in charge? And still, the decision would have to be made.

I'm curious for your thoughts.

[SettingBorders]

Any thoughts? Both ways have their advantages and disadvantages.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SB, You're the expert on you.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?  LuckyJim

[SettingBorders]

My gut feeling tells me to leave for good. I'd have more peace of mind. I could heal. I could eventually move on... .

The idea of taking a relationship break comes from my fear of an eclat. But thinking it over I came to realize, that an eclat needs to happen, if it needs to happen. It can only be delayed. Plus it would be unfair to leave for good and say it's just for now.

So, seems I know what I want now. Courage is lacking, though.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, SB, Staying in a r/s out of fear, or fear of an éclat, is unhealthy for you and no way to live.  I suspect you know this already.  Maybe there are some small steps you can take towards your goal, now that you know what the goals is?  Many on this Conflicted Board are anxious about making a change, with good reason, yet what is often overlooked is the possibility of greater happiness, which is what you have already recognized.

LJ

[SettingBorders]

Thank you!