I need clarity and advice after chaos

[AnonMaz]

 Hello all, first post.

I think of myself as Autistic and pattern finding, but even -I- cannot connect these dots.

I always thought my recent ex had cPTSD, but the traits switched suddenly right at the end of the relationship. Our whole relationship was collapsing under unresolved conflicts over 5 years. She told me directly that I had wronged her, that she felt, that it was real. But whenever I asked her what it was I had done, she couldn't remember. Even after minutes of her exploding, she was oblivious to the actions that led up to it. But because she felt it, then I -must- have done something. Her ex before me was a nasty piece of work, very likely NPD, and I assumed that she was highly sensitive from trauma... But saying anything other than admitting fault, and working on myself results in "You are invalidating my feelings". I especially can't tell her "feelings aren't facts". This had continued for years before the end...

Bit more back story, she controlled the finances, and has gotten herself into a -lot- of debt. I had to ask for money like a child if I needed anything. She would stress about the state of the house stating she couldn't do anything because it overwhelmed her, but if I was busy, suddenly she could do things... After the breakup she also became magically underwhelmed. If things needed doing around the house, I did not have access to the funds to get stuff done, so she would shame me into asking for the cash to make the repairs. I got a windfall of £2500 that I requested -some- of went on repairs... And... She spent it all on a holiday... This was one of the triggers for the first of two breakups.

We're coming to the outlandish part soon.

After the breakup, she pushed and pushed with micro and passive aggressions until I lashed out and wrote her an email of criticisms. I know... You are all about to say that is one of the worst things that I could have done.

Stealing money from me
Stealing money from her son's disability
Sort your finances out
Shoddy parenting (i father 2 of 8 children here)
Wanting 85% custody when I move because she lets one of the other children (identified as low empathy/egocentric by his school) harm my biological kids.

She immediately called the nursery and told them I had threatened to abduct the kids. She told me that her mum forced her to do that, and go into the landlords to have me removed from the guarantor... But... I asked her why if I said I was moving out in the email? She couldn't answer this. I suspect lies, of course. Turned her whole family against me...

But we got back together! I even offered that we could say I would go to counselling, and actually go so she could save face. This was an epic mistake... Not only her family, but also the school and nursery staff are against me. And I am covering for her. And as we get back together, she says... "I don't want to be one of those women...", meaning an abused woman getting back with her ex! Like, what??? When I brought it up, she said that she knows I wouldn't actually abduct them... And when I said, I didn't actually say anything like that, she replies "but I felt like you would at the time", and she was justified in what she did.

That brings us to the day before my birthday and a week before the holiday she paid for with my money... (she has a history of becoming disregulated before big events). I am under the impression that all the guilt was too much for her... She drove miles away and ended it over text, stating it was the only way she could do it and feel safe. I have never even raised my voice to her once, that email was the only aggressive act against her in the entire relationship, after all the berating and infantilizing she has put me through.

I -also- find out... She was in a relationship with ChatGPT around the time of the first breakup. I kid you not. She has poured all what I assume is her FP energy into an LLM. A program that simulates the ultimate sycophantic partner...

Oh... And... I had to promise to agree to move locally and 50/50 time the children, to go on my holiday that I paid for... And I am back from a very awkward holiday...

So... My question is very simple.

What do I do next???

Thank you for reading this far

[HoratioX]

I'd recommend:

1) See a therapist. There are behaviors on both your parts that probably could use a professional opinion.

2) Document everything you can. If you have emails, print them out and put them somewhere for safe keeping. Take screen shots of texts. If you must communicate with her in the future, do it in writing so you have a record.

3) If at all possible and the relationship is over, go no contact.

She might have CPTSD, she might have anxiety, she might have BPD. She might have a combination of issues, including being comorbid with other issues, like being a narcissist or even sociopathic.

If you are basing your opinion of her ex on what she told you, take that with a grain of salt. The ex may or may not have been the monster she described.